Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: How can someone still affect me so much after 9 years.

  1. #1
    Kristen Mcgee
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Age
    42
    Posts
    35

    How can someone still affect me so much after 9 years.

    I just don't get it. I am now married and have been for 8 years with a child. Before I got married, I had recently broken up with my ex fiance, so I was probably on the rebound when I got married, but I figured that with time things would resolve.

    Well here it is 9 years later, and my ex who is also happily married with kids contacted me 2 months ago. We started talking and very fast it turned into an intense online/phone relationship. It felt to both of us like we had never been apart. Over the years he was always in my thoughts and I found out that the feeling was mutual.
    Anyways after a month of this talking we, esp he decided we couldn't go on like this. We were both married and had families and we needed to somehow slow down the contact. Even though we knew how much we both still care for each other, we have to simply be happy with what we have.
    So now we email each other once in a while, just so we don't loose touch. This was again his idea.

    Anyways, since all this, I feel completley lost and broken all over again, like 9 years ago.

    My question to you is this? How could it be that after all these years, marriage, kids, career and more, this one person could affect me still the way he does? How could I still have such strong emotions for this person?

    I have tried to justify to myself that it is a fantasy of who I think he is and etc.. I was only 20 back then, I wouldn't seem him the same now etc.. but nothing seems to really work, because deep inside I know that I have some true ties to him. I mean my heart is shattered and every morning that I open my eyes, I don't look forward to another day of heart break. And honestly I don't know how I am ever going to get over him now as if 9 years has not worked, I don't think another 9 will help.

    I am so destroyed inside. Thanks for listening

  2. #2
    atomic
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Age
    36
    Posts
    87
    That's quite a problem you have!

    I suspect you're in your current situation married/kids because all along you were trying to subconsciously convince yourself you're happy when really it's probably just contentment.

    If you feel like this after 9 years, chances are another 9 aren't going to fix it.

    How old are your children? You obviously need to consider them in all of this, my parents broke up when I was 21 and it didn't have a massive affect on me but if they're only young it could course them real problems.

    I do think you're not being fair to your current husband if you have stronger feelings towards someone else. It really sounds like you want to be with this other guy. Do you think he feels the same deep down? It's possible it's just a case of him having got a bit bored of his existing marriage so wants to spice it up with what is thus far a fairly harmless thing.

    All I can safely say is that if my g/f or wife was going to hurt me, I'd rather it was today than tomorrow!

  3. #3
    Kristen Mcgee
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Age
    42
    Posts
    35

    That's quite a problem you have

    I suspect you're in your current situation married/kids because all along you were trying to subconsciously convince yourself you're happy when really it's probably just contentment.
    You are right that all along I have been content with my life but not as happy as I feel like I could've been. At every turn I have questioned my feelings for my husband.

    Thats exactly what I think that this is a problem I will never be able to resolve.

    My child is 4, so you are right he is young and I don't want to do anything to hurt him. He is the joy of my life.

    I should add that this is the second time we have been incontact in the last 8 years. I contacted him about 5 years ago and we talked and became very intense for a few months, but at the time his wife was pregnant and this time he contacted me.

    As far as my ex, we truly had a something real back then and we were very honest when we spoke this time about our feelings. I even said to him the same thing, "how could we still think of each other after all these years, marriage, kids and he said that all he can say is that apparently we never got over each other and if things were different we would definitely be together." He told me that even prior to us talking I was always an active part of him. But yet he can shut the door and just live his life. We made the mistake of telling each other that we probably still love each other and always will. He said that he realizes that what we had was so real and he knows that he will always feel like this for me but we have to be devoted to our families. I so respect him for this, and as much as I want him to tell me that he wants to be with me, I know this will not ever be. So I don't have an option to be with him, but now I just don't know how to move on with my life. I just want to be happy but I can't seem to find the path...

    So I do believe that deep down he really does have some strong feelings for me. He actually told me. IS he also bored with his marriage or something else? I don't know. I mean we both even tried to discuss this but could never really come up with an answer.


    Why does this guy affect me like this, I just don't get it!

  4. #4
    atomic
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Age
    36
    Posts
    87
    It's very simple, you're in love him and if you try to tell yourself it's anything less than that you're not being honest.

    I really don't know what to suggest though, if there weren't kids involved I would say speak to your husband and let the chips land where they may. Your husband is an adult and will ultimately be able to deal with a breakup if that's what it comes to.

    As for your little boy, it seems inevitable that his parents are going to break up at some point so really it's up to you to decide how best to handle that. Arguably it's easier at his age as he'll grow up knowing no real difference but there's never a good time!

    If you wait too long you will make it more difficult for your husband to move on and you're potentially missing out on your own hapiness.

    My parents do not even speak to each other, they have to contact each other through solicitors. Do not let it get to that stage! Inevitably, that means don't get to the situation where you actually cheat on your husband.

  5. #5
    confusedashell
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    sweden
    Age
    38
    Posts
    228
    Honestly, if I were you, I'd make SURE that my feelings are real and I know excatly what is going on before taking some step like telling your husband. Its pretty normal for people to confuse feelings of "in love" with another while the problem is really the marriage has become routine. Maybe try to focus on your marriage and family before running off with someone from 9 years ago. I'd also be surprised if this guy would leave his family either. Make sure for everything. Not just you and your feelings but his too. Because you do not want to turn aroud in a year and think "what the HELL did i just do!?" When your family is gone, husband has moved on and that guy is gone.

    I'm not saying you dont love that guy and he doesnt love you. But I am just saying remember you are married. You have a family. Make sure if you give that up, its what you wanted!

    What about your husband? You dont mention him...is he a good husband? do you love him?

  6. #6
    Beec
    Platinum Member Beec's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    7,404
    Well, it seems to me like something is missing from your marriage. And I think that if you want it, if you want that feeling of excitement (parts of it will nto last), then you need to figure out how to get your husband to give it to you. I think part of you misses the ex because of the excitement, the emotions he stirs up, which your husband does not, and maybe he never did. How do you get him to stir up those emotions? That's not easy. I can figure out how to seduce someone, but getting someone to seduce me is a different story. In the best situations, each person seduces the other.

    If I were you, I'd begin by trying to learn about how to seduce and then work from there. Of course, I am telling you to work with your husband.

    If you hook up with your ex, and if both of you get divorced (All BIG IFs), there is no telling how long the feelings of excitement last. They cannot remain unchanged. And there is no guarantee you will marry the ex, if all the ifs some true.

  7. #7
    Kristen Mcgee
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Age
    42
    Posts
    35
    Quote Originally Posted by confusedashell

    I'm not saying you dont love that guy and he doesnt love you. But I am just saying remember you are married. You have a family. Make sure if you give that up, its what you wanted!
    To be honest with you, I am not planning on telling my husband, because I don't think he could deal with it. I know I couldn't deal with him telling me that after 8 years of marriage he still thinks and has always thought of his ex.
    At this point, I won't be running of with my ex because that is not an option for my ex. I hate to say it as I would probably try with my ex if I had the chance, because its something I have wanted for so long. Either way that is not a choice here.


    What about your husband? You dont mention him...is he a good husband? do you love him?
    As far as my husband goes, yes he is a good husband. I mean I have my issues with him , but the one thing I do know is that he truly loves me. I am the love of his life, and I wish that he was the love of my life, but unfortunately my ex was the love of my life and nothing seems to change that.

  8. #8
    Kristen Mcgee
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Age
    42
    Posts
    35
    Quote Originally Posted by Beec
    there is no telling how long the feelings of excitement last. They cannot remain unchanged. And there is no guarantee you will marry the ex, if all the ifs some true.
    I have wondered that also, that even if I was with my ex after 8 years would I then get bored again. Who knows? Is my problem that I am just bored or is it truly that there is something lacking in my feelings towards my husband hence I can't forget about the ex.
    Really I would like to get partial amnesia and completely forget my ex and any feelings I may have towards him.

  9. #9
    Beec
    Platinum Member Beec's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    New York
    Posts
    7,404
    Quote Originally Posted by Kristen Mcgee
    I have wondered that also, that even if I was with my ex after 8 years would I then get bored again. Who knows? Is my problem that I am just bored or is it truly that there is something lacking in my feelings towards my husband hence I can't forget about the ex.
    Really I would like to get partial amnesia and completely forget my ex and any feelings I may have towards him.
    If you are with someone for a while, somethings have to wane. I've been with my gf for a year. Actually, our first date was one year ago tonight. We've gone through a few different ups and downs. How often we have sex changed a few times from never for the first months, to a few times a week, to a bunch of times, to less often, to more often, most of which was beyond our control. And that's just sex. We have had changes in other ways too.

    There probably is something lacking in how your husband makes you feel, and it would be easier if he were working on making you feel those things that you working on wanting to feel them.

  10. #10
    djedix
    Member djedix's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    NJ
    Age
    35
    Posts
    333
    not to be mean, but here's another reason why i'm not going to get married anytime soon

  11.  

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Top Threads
Fell for my housemate
Couple of months ago I got a job which required me to move to different city. I have some friends there and one if them offered me help when I was
Girl doesn't like to show affection over Text
My gf of a few months now is much less affectionate in her words than I am. I know this is true because she's always been this way and her friends
What did my friend and i do...what now?
I am a 37 year old single man. I have a very close female friend for the last 8 years. We went from meeting to friends to over the last year and a
Does he even like me or is he using me?
okay so a couple days ago, a guy I had a class with asked for my number so I gave it to him and he was telling how he thought I was cute. anyway one
How to get over feelings for someone
Hello all, Pardon my english. I joined my company 2 years ago. I joined with one of my classmate from a training institute. At the time of
Dangerous attraction.
I've been supporting a work colleague for the last few months through what I found out to be a very abusive relationship. They came to me for some
Still doing this
sit in front of the computer and stare at the internet as those that's going to salve my, I dunno if it's even loneliness at this point. Something is

Expert Advice
Featured Threads
Don Juan President
I'm the president of Don Juans. I know all the top moves to make with females and I've had sex so many times. If a man needs advice ask right here.
Talk Dirty to Me!
OMGosh this is rampant. I have been serial dating in hopes of finding a long term relationship. BTW, nn the past two weeks I have been doing really
Is it wrong that I don't drive my parent's car to drive myself places as of now?
I am 20 and I have my driver's license but I don't have my own car yet so I have to rely on my parents and the bus to get me places but my parents
Friendship changes, how to deal?
Hello All, My friend and I are close. We consider our friendship like a brother & sister type. Lately, I've been noticing he has been treating me
Online Dating Descripton Sets Off Red Flags For Me, But Maybe Not for Others?
I have someone who has been giving me attention with Online Dating (yes, I thought I'd give it a gentle go. Dip my toe in the water even though I was
Help
Hi, I'm 37 and I have been with my partner for about 5 years and we have been married just under a year. About 5 months ago my now wife had an
Did you ever get over your first love? Post your stories!
Hello, I've been feeling kind of down lately because I always hear people saying that you never get over your first love, or you'll always compare
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •