Does Consuling Help?

I've been married for a little over 1 year. We've been together for 3+ years. Prior to marriage we were good friends in high school.

Things havent been good in our marriage. I noticed something was wrong, but my wife and I didn't really talk about it. In August she finally told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore, and wanted to leave. That night I did a lot of reflection, and I've since come to realize why things have gotten this way. I've accepted my responsibility in our problems, and have worked at changing my behaviour and attitudes. I know that a lot of what I've done is not acceptable behaviour, and I'm working on that. She was taken back by my conviction, and decided to give things a try.

This seemed to had a small effect, we weren't arguing as much, and were starting to get along better.

Last wednesday, she got drunk, and started to cry. She told me that she's in love with another man; a co-worker. She'd met him a few times for coffee and has kissed him, but other thats it. She told me that she's had a little feeling for him since January, right around the time she was losing interest in our relationship. Instead of talking to me about our problems, she kept it bottled up and has basically disconnected her feelings for me. I felt betrayed, but then depressed, because I knew that she turned a blind eye to my changes.

Right now she's got one foot out the door, and any day she'll be leaving. She doesn't believe she can fall back in love with me, and doesn't want to make it work. As a last effort, I asked her to attend counseling with me. She reluctantly agreed. She is afraid that the counselor will say that she is wrong, as well as try and talk her out of leaving.

How effective is counseling? Especially when one partner is reluctant to attend?

I know that if she has an open mind, we can repair the damage and move forward towards a happier, healthier marriage. Right now, she is steadfast in her belief that we can't rekindle our love.

Thanks.

-Alan

Counselling generally takes two people with a willingness to give it a go, and work things out together. If someone is alread "checked out" of the relationship and deadset on leaving, there is a very small chance it may work for reconciliation, however it may help a couple through the process of parting ways more amicably and resolving some issues.

And counselling too late in the fame is often not going to be as successful as one hopes...counselling often needs to come before there are major problems, when you are learning to communicate and live with one another.

It is good she is agreeable to go, but I am afraid her heart does not seem much in it...it seems she has already made her mind up. It does sound she is only going to appease you, and not with the mindset to make it work. I hope I am wrong, and it will be successful, but be aware that there are some obstacles due to all of this.

It is important to find a counsellor you are both comfortable with, and you may find you will also need individual counselling in joint with the couples counselling. I do urge you to give it a try, but do keep in mind counsellors work with what they have and what the people bring with them - they do not perform miracles. It's as good as you two make it.

Good luck.

Thanks for your insights. I will continue hold out hope, but I'm going to start preparing for the worst.

Just want to give you all an update.

My wife and I decided to try a trial seperation. We set some ground rules:

1) In 6 months we'll reevaluate what is up.

2) Max I'm willing to go forward with this is 1 year. After that it's not worth pursuing.

3) She's agreed to remain faithful, and not see anyone else during this time.

4) She's agreed to attend counseling with me everyweek during the seperation. She appears to be more open minded about it.

5) Because this is mostly for her to have time to herself, I'm going to try and not contact her much, just during our days of counseling, and to setup "dates" for us to attempt to rekindle our love. If she wants to make contact, thats fine.

If she wants to increase the frequency of our dates, I'm up for it. And if she is ready to move back sooner, and therapy suggest that it might work, I would entertain the idea.

I know this is probably not going to work out like I hope, but I feel that she has a much more open mind about us working things out relationshipwise, as well as seeking therapy.

I've put in place my support system: close friends, and my family, so during this seperation, I'll be okay.

Thanks,

-Alan