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Thread: need advice

  1. #1
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    need advice

    I've never posted on a forum before, especially nothing of such personal nature, but I have no one to turn to and I need advice and a sanity check.

    My husband and I have been married for just over 6 months. We met and have been together since high school (over 15 years). We are from different cultural backgrounds and both families had issues. We've been through a lot over the years and it was a constant tug of war. We finally decided the hell with everyone else, we need to make a life for ourselves. We got engaged last summer and went to the justice of the peace by ourselves and got married earlier this year. We decided to tell our families individually. His family is overseas and out of the area, most of mine is local. I called my parents and of course they were crushed that they were not included but was glad we were finally happy adults now. We've been to celebrations and received gifts but only from my side. I kept asking what happened with his family and he said that they are "getting used to the idea", and there were always elaborate details on conversations and arguments. This week I discovered that they do NOT know we are married or even engaged--he never told them! They think that we are merely living together (we moved in together AFTER getting married). I can't believe that he hasn't told them and I feel completely betrayed. He is afraid of being disowned. I am feeling every emotion from anger to fear. I am now questioning everthing that has happened over the last 15+ years. I'm also confused about all the conversations that he relayed that never occurred. He is currently overseas now on a work project and has even visited them several times without telling them. I don't know what to do, think or say. I am terrified at the thought of life without him and I feel like a total fool. I spoke with his brother (who found out the truth) and he doesn't think it's a big deal. Am I stupid to think that my hopes and dreams for the future are fiction? This is such a mess. If he tells his family and they disown him, then what for us? If he doesn't tell them, should I get a divorce/annulment? Now add horribly embarrassed to my list of emotions. I'm still getting congratulations cards and I'm contemplating divorce--yikes!

    I've spent the last 4 days as either a zombie or sobbing freak. I can't eat, sleep or think clearly. Any reasonable thoughts here?

  2. #2
    Gold Member smallworld's Avatar
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    Re: need advice

    Nolies, welcome to enotAlone. If you don't listen to anything else I say, please eat something (Chai714 recommends Ensure) and get some sleep. You'll feel a lot better and think more clearly if you give your body the sustenance it needs.

    I agree his having lied all this time is extremely serious. For 6 months he's lied to you and his family and it must make you wonder, if he can lie that sincerely and for that long with people he professes to love, what other lies has he told and what else might he be capable of? Now wonder you're not eating or sleeping!

    The only way out of this mess is to insist that he come clean to his family and get some professional help for his compulsive lying. Maybe it's time you both took a trip to his homeland? If they disown him, so be it. You're his wife now and if he doesn't have the courage and maturity to proudly admit that to his family, then consider yourself lucky to have found out the truth about him early on. (It sounds like he's a 'people pleaser' would rather lie and be accepted, than be who he really is.) If your husband can't admit you're his wife to his family, how can you expect him to handle and resolve the really difficult problems that life inevitably throws at all of us?

    A few questions to ponder: Do you think you can ever trust him again? If so, what behaviors would you need to see from him in order to believe he's truly changed? What things can you do to make it easier and more likely for him to be open and honest with you instead of taking the cowardly way out and lying?

  3. #3
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    Smallworld, thank you for your comments.

    Yes, all those thoughts are running through my head. Which is why I am questioning the last 15 years of my life. After talking to his brother I thought I was over reacting. I have demanded that he tell his parents and gave him a deadline of Sunday (today). I also mentioned counseling for the pathological lying. He agreed to it and I suppose you are also right about the people pleaser point. He says he doesn't want to lose them, doesn't want to lose me and doesn't want to upset anyone. My take on it was selfishness and he was having it both ways. As it seems he's lived a double life for at least 6 months if not years. I am just so angry and bitter right now that I'm thinking the worst of the worst. I'm not sure what to do even if/when he does tell them. I know it's not right to blame them that he lied and they are victims too, but who the hell are they to reject ME? How evil are they that they raised people to be so arrogant. The one son has potentially ruined my life and the other one thinks that I am being over dramatic by immediately thinking of divorce. I feel like we're not married so a divorce seems logical.

    I don't know if I can or should trust him again. I have been blaming myself for not knowing that he lied and that's another struggle. How can it be my fault?--I faced the same issues with my family and dealt with them head on. I have actually been my parents "favorite child" (of 3) and this should have leveled them emotionally. Instead they gave us a check to start our nest egg.

  4. #4
    Member t-rav's Avatar
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    smallworld has always imparted good advice. i agree with him and think that you should confront your husband. but, before you kick him to the curb, put yourself in his shoes. (you didnt mention his nationality) many cultures are very insulted by what we in america see as small and very common happenings. a friend of mine was disowned by his family for renouncing his faith in hinduism. they had a funeral for him and everything. none of his family was ever to speak to him. he was the firsborn son of the family, he had given a kidney to save his sister when she was going to die, he was their acclaimed gem, and they disowned him for merely taking up christianity. so imagine his viewpoint of all this. im not saying you should forget about all of it and go on with the lie; quite the contrary. i feel that you need to go with him and help him give the news. and as smallworld said, if they disown him, then he has you and a new life here with you.

    good luck

    -travis

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    Travis - Thanks for your input too. I am of Asian decent but was born and raised in the states. He is Middle Eastern (not Muslim) and has been in the states since he was a small child. We both have our share of cultural views and expectations. When I say my emotions are all over, they really are. I feel bad that he is in a situation that he cannot share happiness with his family, while at the same time I am furious that I'm being kept in the closet. I don't know what good is going to come of this. I think it would be okay if I had known all along that he wasn't going to tell them and we went on merry way together. I just can't get beyond the fact that the lying all this time is a huge betrayal I'm afraid to go over there without them knowing that we are married before I arrive. He's spoken of going and "renewing" our vows in November. I think his idea was to give himself more time to tell the folks and then send them pics from that. I'm not really intrested in a charade.

  7. #6
    Member t-rav's Avatar
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    i think you are feeling the natural reaction to what has happened here. i really want to reiterate though, imagine if you were in his shoes. i remember how nervous i was the first time i told my mom i was going to the movies with a girl, and there was nothing she could do about it. (now granted, that is like soooo nothing compared to this, but that must make this all the harder for him to share). he married you. he obviously loves you, but some people arent too good with the spreading of good news. even though you may not be a christian, i will pray for you if you would like me to.

    -travis

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    past deadline

    well it's Tuesday and we are well beyond my deadline of Sunday for husband to tell his parents that we are married. He is overseas and now I can't get in touch with him at all. On Sunday, I spoke with his sister (who he stayed with overseas). I called her place looking for him and she laid into me. Asking why I'm pressuring him and he's distant and depressed and cannot focus on his work. I told her that she needs to speak to her brother, that he has secrets and that's why he can't focus. Long story short she kept going after me and I spilled the beans and asked her not to tell anyone but for her to help him deal with it and break the news. Well, of course she confronts him and then he calls me. Our conversation seemed normal (but who knows now what that means) and he said he wants to live openly. Now his brother and one sister know and seem furious and offended that I "did this". His brother and I have been talking and comparing notes on particular events and have found he has been keeping us apart so no one finds out the truth. I'm so worried about where he is and what's going on in his mind. I can't focus on work myself. I usually watch soap operas for entertainment, I can't believe I'm living one.

  9. #8
    Member t-rav's Avatar
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    first of all, your life is not a soap opera. what happens to you is not at the entertainment of others. but i want to assure you that it is not your fault that all of this happened, (unless you kidnapped him and forced him to marry you, which i highly doubt). but many times families refuse to believe that their son, daughter, or sibling could ever do something that wouldnt be approved of by the family. they are blinded to the truth. i hope you make it through this. good luck and please keep us posted.

    -travis


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