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Thread: She wants out of the Marriage

  1. #1
    Platinum Member Mun's Avatar
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    She wants out of the Marriage

    Hello everyone,
    I am asking for advice regarding a problem a friend of mine is having. I am out of suggestions for him and would like input from everyone on here.
    He has been married for 12 years. They are both in their 30's with 3 children.
    His wife has recently told him that she is very unhappy in the marriage and wants out. She claims that at the beginning of their marriage she was very affectionate and he was cold to her so slowly her love faded. She insists that no counseling or bible passage will make her love for him come back. She is very adamant about this and insists nothing will change her mind.

    He is a good father and from what I've seen a good provider. They've gone on numerous vacations alone together and as a family. (Recently she has gone away with some girlfriends, alone) They have an expensive home, nice vehicles, he is not abusive a drunk or a cheater. He works 3 jobs and in his words " do everything for my family first, and regard myself second to them" He is still very much in love with his wife.

    She has recently gone in for an estimate of a procedure called body sculpting--including breast lift and/or implants, lyposuction/tummy tuck and some facial surgery as well. Which she expects him to help pay for.

    She insists that she is not looking for another man, yet has stated that she feels she can have everything (material goods) she has with her husband and some passion too. --Which she feels is lacking as she does not find herself attracted to him any longer--Her question to him has been " why can't I have everything I want ? "

    He says that she is very cheerful when they are out with the kids or visiting with friends and family but as soon as they are home she is sulking and miserable. Hardly speaks to him-- civil but distant.

    He is still living at home but not sleeping in the same room. He feels that while he is still in the home there is some hope he can change her mind.

    He grew up without a father figure and worries about not being with his kids 24/7. He is also very concerned that if they divorce his children will suffer as they are accustomed to a certain lifestyle.

    Any thoughts or suggestions for my friend? I appreciate your help.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
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    I am sorry to hear about your friend's situation muneca.

    1) He should see if she is open to counselling. Even if she does not want the marriage, divorce counselling is very helpful.

    2) If she is not open to marriage counselling, he should proceed with the seperation (and ultimately divorce). Tell her he loves her, but also feels he deserves that in return.

    3) He should NOT pay for her "body sculpting". Plain and simple. If she is so sure she can find someone with "material goods" and passion...I am sure HE can pay for it. Or maybe she can learn that she can make it on her own and work and pay for it herself. It could be character building in a way (character building through breast augmentation lol )

    4) He should talk with his children and get them a counsellor for the present, and the next couple years or more as they need them.

    5) He should get a lawyer as soon as possible.

    6) He should not allow her to string him along. After a decided on seperation period, he should file the papers.

    7) And of course...remain a good father to his children.

    8 ) Have faith in his ability to heal, move on and make the best of life. And that good things await. Life will be different, but it can be wonderful all over again.

    If she sees your friend as nothing but a provider of material goods, he deserves much better. Because if he is your friend, I am sure he has MUCH more going for him and a list of great qualities to add to "being a provider".

    Too muneca's friend - be strong, have faith. It's a devastating blow, but be there for your children and don't lose yourself in the process. Remain true to yourself.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Mun's Avatar
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    Thanks Raykay, appreciate the input.

    In all fairness I need to add that she also works very hard and is a good mother.

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    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by muneca
    Thanks Raykay, appreciate the input.

    In all fairness I need to add that she also works very hard and is a good mother.
    I am sure she is, I did not mean to imply she was not. I just think she should pay for her own "augmentations". Why should he if he is not even going to be the one benefitting from them

    And being a good mother will work well...as they both will have the interest of the children at heart during this

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    Chances are if she is saying nothing will change her mind then nothing will. I uttered almost the exact same phrase when divorcing and it was 100% true.

    It's absolutely ridiculous that she expects him to pay for this body sculpting thing though. What he should be doing is talking with her about seperation counseling. It's somewhere they can discuss the issues with a neutral third party and help make everything much smoother. He should talk to a lawyer as well, so that at least he is aware of the general divorce process for his state and how things would likely go.

    It's also a good idea to get the kids into counseling themselves if they are of appropriate ages.

    Outside of that I suggest he see a counsellor for himself. I wish I had something more hopeful to say, but if his wife has decided that she is closed to any form of therapy for them then I really don't think there is much he can do to save the marriage.

    Marriage is a partnership and when one partner has turned off like that there is nothing the other can do to fix it.

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    I mostly agree with RayKay. Plus, he doesn't have to follow her agenda on this. Nor does he have to assume that she should get primary custody of the kids. He can ask for primary custody himself, or for shared physical and legal custody.

    I think he would be wise to take a certain amount of control for himself. If she really has no interest in repairing the relationship, and he has tried his best to convince her that he is sincere, then he should take her at her word.

    He should tell her he is prepared to give her a divorce; that they should each get a lawyer but should also try a mediator to try and get a a divorce in the most amicable way possible. And he should tell her that he is not prepared to pay for her make-over.

    It is important that he does not agree to any demands in order to cause as little trouble as possible, or in hopes that, if he is amenable, she may change her mind. There is no reason why he has to be bitter or vindictive but he should also look out for his best interests as well as those of the children

    It may be that if she realizes she is about to lose him, the marriage and a good lifestyle that she may change her mind. Especially if she realizes that she may not get everything her own way.

    However - I think, with due respect to RayKay, that it could be taken as insulting to tell him to continue to be a good father to his children. Let's assume that that is a given, just as we would expect that she will continue to be a good mother if she were not to have primary custody.

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    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
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    DN...I did not mean it to sound like I was "telling" him to be a good father...since it is apparent from munecas post, it was more of a "keep up the good work as they will REALLY need you right now".

    Also on that note, it is amazing how many good parents during a divorce use their children as pawns and 'mediators'....sometimes we get blinded when our emotions are high.

    I never assumed he would not be a good father, I just said it in the same spirit I also told him to take care of HIMSELF.

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    Originally Posted by RayKay
    DN...I did not mean it to sound like I was "telling" him to be a good father...since it is apparent from munecas post, it was more of a "keep up the good work as they will REALLY need you right now".

    Also on that note, it is amazing how many good parents during a divorce use their children as pawns and 'mediators'....sometimes we get blinded when our emotions are high.

    I never assumed he would not be a good father, I just said it in the same spirit I also told him to take care of HIMSELF.
    I agree with the spirit of what you say - but people can be very sensitive to comments about how they parent. If anybody suggested, now matter how kindly meant, that I should continue to be a good father to my children, I know I would resent the implication that I might think of being anything else.

    I also agree that people can be blind to the best interests of their children during a divorce - I assume by 'people' you mean both fathers and mothers. But it is becoming more and more accepted, especially in family courts, that it is in their best interests that both parents be actively, consistently and on a more or less equal basis, involved in their children's lives.

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    If this guy's wife is asking him to pay for her breast implants and is treating him like that after twelve yrs it isn't a councilor he needs but a hitman.
    She sounds like a self-centered monster who is beyond a healthy relationship.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by DN

    I agree with the spirit of what you say - but people can be very sensitive to comments about how they parent. If anybody suggested, now matter how kindly meant, that I should continue to be a good father to my children, I know I would resent the implication that I might think of being anything else.

    I also agree that people can be blind to the best interests of their children during a divorce - I assume by 'people' you mean both fathers and mothers. But it is becoming more and more accepted, especially in family courts, that it is in their best interests that both parents be actively, consistently and on a more or less equal basis, involved in their children's lives.
    Understood, but I certainly did not mean it that way. I don't think my recommendation to be there and think of your kids whether to a mother or father is unusual. But I certainly did not not mean to imply he was not, and would not intend on being so.

    Of course I mean both sexes when I say "people".

    I know, I have been exposed to many divorces through the years and attitudes have changed , since my parents too are divorced as well.

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