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Thread: She wants out of the Marriage

  1. #11

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    I always hear about the health of the kids. BLAH! Kids are soo overrated.
    We are teaching them to be pansies.
    I would worry more about the husbands mental health than the kids.
    Certainly drawing off my own experiences I suspect I would be more traumatized as a rejected spouse than as a son of a marriage turned disaster.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Napoleon Bonaparte
    I always hear about the health of the kids. BLAH! Kids are soo overrated.
    We are teaching them to be pansies.
    I would worry more about the husbands mental health than the kids.
    Certainly drawing off my own experiences I suspect I would be more traumatized as a rejected spouse than as a son of a marriage turned disaster.
    I'd say that using your kids as a pawn and talking cruelly about their parents and so on is not exactly teaching them to be "tough".

    Its not about teaching them to be pansies, its about allowing them to not feel bad about loving BOTH their parents, and about being allowed to be kids.

    I have seen some pretty "messed up" kids...where they were used as game pieces. One couple I know, one parent withheld the kids as punishment from the other parent and so on. Or got their kids to relay bad comments to the other...I'd say thats pretty traumatizing.

    Yes his mental health is important, which is why people have recommended counselling for him as well.

    Kids don't choose their parents to divorce...there is no need to treat them as "overrated".

  3. #13

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    There is another issue of which he should be aware regarding his three jobs.

    A friend of mine was married with four school age children. His wife refused to work. They had lost their house when he lost his job due to a recession. In order to be able to put a down payment on another, once he had a decent job, he took a job as a security guard on weekends (both days). This was supposed to last for just over a year until they had the down payment.

    Shortly before he had enough money, she left him, sued for divorce and was given custody. His child support payments were predicated on his last year's income, including the money he earned on weekends. His explanation that this was supposed to be a temporary measure were overruled as irrelevant. He got a couple of promotions at his job but she went to court for more money based on his new income.

    Because he was required to keep up that level of support he had to work every Saturday and Sunday for the next fifteen years.

    This happened in Ontario, Canada and the law may be different where your friend is. But he would be wise to check with his lawyer.

  4. #14
    Member kenneth05's Avatar
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    tell your friend to agree to the divorce, and do it quickly

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member chai714's Avatar
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    It may be too late for your friend. Seems his willingness to do anything and everything to make his wife happy has backfired in the even bigger picture. She wants the world, he will try to make it happen.

    From here, what can he do tactically? I would say quit giving into all her wants, but again . . .she seems to have taken him for granted. If he wants to give her a taste of what it would be like, he ought to have HER move out for a trial separation. Why? Because she'll be cut off from the kids and she can try to sample the life she wants to have. If he's not there to give, give, give, who will she get it from? Some other sucker? I may be jumping the gun here, but she seems like a typical spoiled child. That's all I can think of right now, hope it at least generates some ideas.

  7. #16

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    Not to weaken anything I have said - but I would also like to re-emphasise my point that he should make very effort to persuade her to go to counselling - especially since he loves her.

    The fact that she is wanting all this body image change may be because she is having some sort of 'mid-life' crisis and has lost her confidence that she is still an attractive woman. If she can get past that, and it is the major issue that she has, there may be a chance to salvage the marriage.

    But I wouldn't bet on it.

  8. #17
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    All good advice and I suspect from waht you have posted there may not be too much hope for the marriage. I would advise though that before charging down the divorce path that they consider a trial seperation.

    Once you start down the path of divorce it can be very difficult to stop, it has a way of snowballing and the involvement of legal representatives tends to by its nature become quickly adversarial.

    The last couple of years of my marriage were very much like what you describe here. Years later and in hindsight we both feel that we probably could have worked things out had we not moved so quickly to file divorce proceedings.

    I'd advise him to pack up and move out for a few months. Explain clearly to the kids what is going on. Treat it like a final seperation and ensure she gets a feel for her emotional and financial situation as a divorced mother of 3 kids.

  9. #18

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    I find talking bad about the other spouse to the kids to be utterly contemptable behavior, but that isn't guaranteed with every divorce even if one spouse leaves hating the other.

  10. #19
    Bronze Member HaloDestroyer's Avatar
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    His wife has recently told him that she is very unhappy in the marriage and wants out.

    (Recently she has gone away with some girlfriends, alone)

    She has recently gone in for an estimate of a procedure called body sculpting--including breast lift and/or implants, lyposuction/tummy tuck and some facial surgery as well. Which she expects him to help pay for.
    His wife 'recently' did a lot of things... Do we know timescale?

    You say that she wants 'passion' as well? Could it be that she recently sampled 'passion' on her little holiday with her friends, and found someone new/wants a change?

    Thoughts please.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by HaloDestroyer

    His wife 'recently' did a lot of things... Do we know timescale?

    You say that she wants 'passion' as well? Could it be that she recently sampled 'passion' on her little holiday with her friends, and found someone new/wants a change?

    Thoughts please.
    I'm actually more curious over the age of the youngest child. Often once a women comes up for some breath after the intense baby/toddler years have passed they find that they are still unhappy in the marriage and that their unhappy feelings weren't just due to the hard work that it is parenting very young children. It's a prime time for divorce in a lot of marriages.

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