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Thread: Scared

  1. #1
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    Scared

    I know this is my first post but I have been reading the posts that are here and they make my problem seem so minor but if anyone could offer any advice please let me know.

    First and for most me and my wife are only 21, we have known each other for 5 years and have dated 3 and been married for 1 1/2 years. From the start I provided all the things she needed she did not have to work at all but she choose to. Well I decided to go to college and the financial pressure started to sit in. We have always had I guess the arguments that i would consider healthy if there is such a thing. I always asked her not to yell and curse at me because in my defense i refuse to do those things i saw it to much in my parents relationships, but i have a very sharp tongue and i know how to get dirty with the best of them without yelling and i know that doesn't help things at all i just believe in saying honestly what goes on from both sides. The past i would guess 3 weeks we have been getting along better than we have sense we have been married, she left me while I was asleep, I even woke during it and she convinced me to go back to sleep and reassured me that everything was ok. She said for 2 weeks you had been thinking about leaving and for 3 days that she knew certain she was going to, yet she didn't try to talk to me one bit. Then I find out that she was going to do it while I was at work instead. Then she brings in people outside of immediate family to help move her and let them get a good laugh at the fact she was moving out while I was asleep (that's probably my ego). Then she says that she loves me but she is not in love with me… if that is love then I am scared. She always tried telling me not to think everything would work out in life, she always told me that I dreamed to much and had to much hope in things working out in today's world. Yet she is now trying to get me to rely on faith that we will get back together, how am I suppose to rely on faith from someone who does not believe life works that way.

    I know this is skipping around but typing as i think. I woke up with a million thoughts in my head and before I could even get them straight and figure what exactly was going on my mom showed up and she knew she was coming, I had to face her with the fact that my wife had just left me when i was asleep and i had no clue except most of her things were gone.

    With these words I am typing I sit here and think of all the good and bad times we had, all the times that we joked around about things, just an example, what if she left me scenario that me and her had joked about for the past 2 weeks… well guess the joke was on me. She took off your wedding ring with the reason and I quote "It reminded me of you." yet in the same conversation she said, "I need time to think about us, to figure out how I feel about us.". This whole time she has been telling me to give her time to think about us and where we stand, well my issue is as of now no matter how she thinks about it, we are apart, what is going to be solved apart. So many questions run through my mind and she keeps saying she don't have the answers yet she is the one taking these actions. It seems fair to me to ask, Why did you leave while I was asleep? In response she told me "Because I was scared of you." ok well here is the thing she has not saw my temper in at least 2 ˝ years and that was against a guy that hit her. I have not even growled at her inappropriately. She took all of our money and savings that we keep for bills and ect. So I am at a loss as what to do about those with me going to my last year in college this Friday, don't know whether to count all my losses and leave to stay with family till I get straight or to stay and hope she comes back before I am to far in debt sense all the bills and rent are in my name.

    I know most of this just makes me sound immature and stupid but I am just so lost, I haven't left the house for a good while now because i hope she will call me, well tonight she actually called me and she still had no answer to my questions so i tried to talk to her about just stuff happening and she started getting ugly with me because well honestly it was because of the first couple minuets of the conversation when i tried to push her to hard... I haven't been able to sleep in my bed because I am mentally and physically scared that something else will disappear out of my life, i have been sleeping in front of my front door on the floor. I know that makes me sound crazy but i just start freaking out thinking about all that happening while i was asleep. I have gave her space like she has asked and have not talked to her except tonight when she called. Any suggestions on what else I am to do?

  2. #2
    Member sonjam's Avatar
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    First of all, change your lock on the front door, and go back to sleeping in your bed. She is the one in control, and that is why you are scared she's going to take more things. You have to show strenth, and stand up for yourself. If she wants more things out the house, she will have to discuss it with you, and come to an agreement.

    I see a problem in the fact that you are so young, and have been together since a very early age. I guess she is trying to see what the rest of the world has to offer her.

    Making somoene come back to you if they are not in love with you anymore will never work, but it is very cruel of her to keep you hanging on the line while she figures it out.

    Sit down, decide what you are going to do with your life without her in it. Then take action. If and when she decides to come back, you will have to considder the option very carefully, and see if there is still space in your life for her. Don't let your life fall appart, it will only make it all the less appealing for her.

    It is a very hard thing to do, but you will have to take control of your life, and soon. Try the option of no debt, don't bet on her coming back to you.

    Good luck!

  3. #3
    Silver Member Gilgamesh's Avatar
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    Xodus

    Whats happening to you is not "immature and stupid" and its not a minor incident in your life. the woman you love is leaving, its serious and painful.

    I suggest you do not argue with her, do not "fight" to get her back. right now she has some guilty feelings over what she is doing, humans cant handle guilt and will look for any justification in what they are doing, so if you give them fuel, they will use that.

    you have to face the fact that she may never return, but she may, you need to give her the time alone. you guys hooked up very young and she thought you were exactly what she wanted before she knew what she wanted in life and who she really is. she needs time to gather her thoughts,

    Now that things are "real" with responsabilities and real problems, she is having a hard time dealing with it, as it was always so easy before.
    Just tell her, Ok, take time to think about "Us" if you feel we have grown apart, then thats ok, we can just be friends. you get the picture. give her some time, and in that time focus on yourself, your studies, getting things done you couldnt before. after a few months if she hasnt started calling (i bet she calls often to "check up" on you) Youll know the difference in the kind of calls whether its a "wanting to get back" call or one thats to make her feel like she is not a bad person (feeling guilty) because she checks up on you.

    Dont beg or fight for her return, you can hint that "your door is open", but dont act like your life is lost without her, dont act hurt or sad when she calls, believe me, the more guilt you lay on her, the more you will push her away! ?(in her mind she will justify her actions).

    so hang in there Xodus, gonna be a rough ride.

  4. #4
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    Thank you both for giving me advice. I agree with what both of you have said but I guess in all honesty I am lost without her and I am scared what tomorow will hold without her. As it has been made clear to me that it will only make her less likely to come back to me if she sees I can not handle things on my own and for myself. I am going to change the locks I will put all the things that is hers in a storage room and give her the key in her mom's mailbox that away there is no argueing about her comeing her for stuff. I know there will still be odds and ends but that is why I will change my locks and let her discuss it with me. I am just REALLY worried that if I take any action like this that she will never want to come back... lol I know i should nto think that way b/c if she chooses not to then it is her not me but still always doubt. Thank you both agian, it means a whole lot.

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  6. #5
    Gold Member justpaisley's Avatar
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    Xodus -

    Of course you're scared what tomorrow will hold without her. You've grown up with her and it's going to be a rough road from here on out. You just keep going with college and improving on yourself and with time, this will be easier to handle.

    Stay strong!

    P.S. I'm in Mississippi too!

  7. #6
    Member Angelus's Avatar
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    paisley80 and Gilgamesh are right, you have to stay strong for yourself man. Yeah it is difficult to lose the one you love because you went to pursue yoru career, sounds awfully familir to my experience (i'm not married though). It may be painful to admitt it but things happen for a reason sooner or later she'll realize that she made the biggest mistake of her life bc you sould like a man who will do anything for her. I don't get the part about her being scared of you though especially if you knocked the lights out of someone who struck her. But hey you have so much to live for. Go to college graduate and be successful that's all you can do right now, be successful. Your wife may not be the one for you, but the universe has a way of unfolding as it should.

  8. #7
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    I know it's hard for you to hear, and what people are saying is not what you WANT to hear, but everyone is right.

    The good thing is, she left early. Can you imagine what it would be like had she left after 10 years of marriage and a few young kids around?

    The best advice I can give you is not to beg for her to come back because if you do, and she does come back, you will always wonder, did she come back because I begged or because she really wanted to?

    Be strong, confide in your family and friends, get yourself a strong support group and each day is a step closer to the rest of your life...

  9. #8
    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
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    Hi Xodus,

    I really feel for you facing this difficulty in a marriage so early on and at such a young age.

    It does sound like since you two got together so young, and married so young, one or both of you may not have been fully prepared for the realities of marriage, and forever. I hate to say it, but its kind of why I am not too agreeable with people getting married too young...because no matter how mature you are, you are still growing and learning and not ready to grow and learn WITH someone yet.

    It sounds like she is realizing now that maybe she is not so ready or sure about forever nor is she sure what she wants. A lot of women, and men, go through this at some point in their lives, in their late teens and their twenties - unfortunately in your case however you are married when it happened to you.

    Since you are married, I hope that she will be open to some marital counselling with you together, as well as individually, to find out the real issues and what is going on, or should it be a situation leading to seperation, to help through that. When you made your vows, I assume you vowed something along the lines of in good times and in bad....and this is a "bad" time, but one that can be turned into good as well...the commitment of marriage also requires at this time both partners do not run away from the situation but come together & communicate and work on it. However, you cannot force her to either, but I do suggest you approach her with idea, but then ease off.

    I am TRULY sorry to hear you are in this situation, and you are not being immature and stupid in the least - this is a serious issue for anyone to be going through. I hope the best for you both.

  10. #9
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    Ounce agian thank you for everyones kind words. This is hard on me in the fact that her family has turned on me some what and they are all I have none for 2 years now when we moved to get closer to them. Just a couple more questions that I can't figure out guess they are something that only I will sort out but figure want hurt to ask.

    Wynterose you made a good point when you said, "The best advice I can give you is not to beg for her to come back because if you do, and she does come back, you will always wonder, did she come back because I begged or because she really wanted to?". Ok but here is my issue, I have been thinking about what if she does come back, I am not even sure if I will be able to go to sleep without the doubt in my mind that she might not be there agian when I wake up. I am so uncertian if I could personally handle that agian so in that case I am not even sure if I want her to come back.

    RayKay, after reading what you wrote I called her this mornin even though she asked me to give her some space, but I saw she was out our business by herself which can be very difficult at times so I called and checked on her and suggested maybee some councling or even sitting with someone as in a elder, or paster, so forth and just talk see if they could give us a view on something that they see that we might be missing or some advice on to futher ourselves. Well she got rather mad about that saying she dosent need anyone to help her decide wether or not she wants to be with me and I can understand that. Afterwards though we talked about 45minutes and it went extremly well. We talked about just off the wall things like we used to when we first started dating. It almost feels like she wants to go back to the dating stage of things and agian I can understand that but just dont grasp why we have to be apart to do that.

    Thank you all agian for your advice I'll keep yall updated.

  11. #10
    Silver Member Gilgamesh's Avatar
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    That fear is the "trust issue" this is why time must pass to allow the healing process, right now you are hurting and inside you wish she would come back, and that might relieve the pain at first but the lack of trust and security will still be there.

    Only after some time has passed for both of you, and you have put these feeling behind you can you re-start with s clean slate. only after you can forgive her, and she herself can things ever be harmonious.

    Thats IF she decides to come back, and IF you decide you want her back, after a few months you may come to realize she isnt the type of person for you anyway.

    I suggest minimum contact with her, if she calls be polite and all, refrain from any sexual opportunities with her, you may think that will be some kind of magical experience that brings you and her together, but wont fix the problem of trust. it wont change her, or you.

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