How do you avoid being the rebound girl with a divorced guy?

I'm not sure this is in the right column but here goes...

Most of the guys around my age are either coming out of long-term relationship with live in girlfriends or have been recently divorced.

So.. unless i want to date someone like 15-20 years my junior (and then i'd be dating guys in their early or mid 20s) I've no one really to date.

It seems like most of the recently divorced guys are just out to have a good time.. in other words, not be in a serious relationship.

Well.. that's nice for them.. i understand they need time to heal.. but where does that leave me? I would like a romantic relationship with a nice guy.. and i really don't mind if he's divorced.. but i don't want to be just used for sex...or just have my time wasted by a guy who's not going to treat me with much respect after we've become romantic/sexual. That's just too risky, and besides I don't want my heart broken again.

I don't want to be the rebound person.. the one who gets dumped after the guy's had a good time with me.. shared all his sordid horror stories about his ex, meanwhile..not really treating me with enough respect to allow me to keep my self esteem. I don't really want to be a shrink or sounding board to some guy.. i want someone i can be lovers and friends with. Is that too much to ask?

I know alot of guys get remarried quickly after they get divorced.

In fact the last two divorced guys i dated got remarried within 6 months to a year after I dated them.. (sigh)

Maybe it's just bad timing on my part.. but this is turning into a real waste of time for me.. besides it takes me so long to get over having my heart broken by these guys... who.. in hindsight.. I have to wonder if they really ever had any feelings for me, to just forget me so quickly.

I'm a very kind, understanding person.. maybe that's part of the problem.. but this is getting old...

Now.. i'm not dying to march down the aisle with just anyone but i'd like to get married or at least live with a nice guy if I met the right man.

How do you know if a guy who's been divorced is ready for a normal relationship?

It's getting to the point I just feel like forgetting about divorced guys entirely.. I always seem to get the short end of the stick with them. But if I do that.. I'm excludely like 89% of my dating pool. And if that's the case I might as well never leave my house again! LOL

The last recently divorced guy I dated kept saying over and over again he didn't want to be in a relationship, and we should just keep our relationship "casual". Of course.. we were both attracted to each other, so naturally we did get romantic/sexually involved. Now six months later I hear he's getting married.

This is past disheartening.. it's downright heartbreaking.. How do you avoid being just used by a divorce guy for his jollies and meet one who's really serious about having a girlfriend or a future?

Wow, Sadie, we are Soooooo in the same boat...

I just got out of (yet another) one of those relationships, too, and although I'm the one who physically walked away--I feel dumped. Turns out when he said "I want a relationship" all he had in mind was...well, whatever was convenient for HIM.

Does it feel to you like you're somehow being punished by them for whatever their exes did? Just thought I'd throw that out there, because that's how it feels right now. And just how long does their "rebound" period usually last? I would've thought 2-3 *YEARS* should be enough?

Guys, help us out. We're caring, loving, responsible (older?) women who truly don't want to play games!

Well my advice is avoid newly divorced guys. If you meet them about 6 months to a year after the divorce is final, then accept a date. If they say things like "I'm not ready for a serious relationship", run away.

Now why are you in this perpetual rebound state? Do you have issues with committment, marriage, or losing your freedom? Do you feel unworthly of a relationship? You need to get to the source of your own thinking and make changes.

HI! I'm not very educated on this subject, but I agree with Jetta, run far far away if they say they don't want anything serious... If they say "I don't wanna be tied down again or Let's keep it casual... THATS how you'll know if your rebound or not. I really wouldn't have sex until it's serious either... I mean.... If that's all their after then it just leaves you hurt in the end.

Hey there, been there done that with the recently divorced man. My advice would be to date to have fun not to find a husband. It just sounds to me like sometimes alot of pressure is put on the dates to lead to a relationship--you want to feel out a guy to see if he has potential before you start making wedding plans. This includes delaying when you will have sex, do it when you are ready and in an exclusive relationship.

If a man says he wants to date casually, then don't throw sex in the mix. Keep it light and friendly and continue to date others.

I read somewhere that guys that are ready to settle down are the ones that say things like " I'm so done with the club/bar/singles scene" but I wonder how many guy really come out and say that.

Always look out for you.

No... I never said i was in a perpetual rebound state... did you not read my post? Jetta

"Now why are you in this perpetual rebound state? Do you have issues with committment, marriage, or losing your freedom? Do you feel unworthly of a relationship? You need to get to the source of your own thinking and make changes."

i am not the one with the issues on commitment, or whatever, lol, THEY are!!

And yes to the lady who's post dealt with the guy throwing out all this stuff that his ex did to him and blaming it on you!! Yup... i know that drill real well.... Man.. it was I WAS PAYING FOR ALL THE SINS HIS EX-WIFE DID TO HIM! how unfair that is!. I did NOTHING bad to this guy. i was a sweetheart to him.. listened with such understanding.. and truthfully I did feel bad about all the stuff he went thru.. but still. i'm not a shrink.. i'm a girl...

Yeah.. i'd like to see what the guys say on this one too..

Like i say.. i am not looking to drag some guy down the aisle (though that would be nice with the right guy.. so obviously i'm not opposed to commitment.. just not with the wrong guy). I just want to avoid being used and Yeah. i'd like to be someone's girlfriend.. not just someone they have a good time with and forget all about.

And the guy i dated was divorced like 6 months to a year.. .Yeah.. i'd like to know myself just how long this phase lasts where the guys feels the need to have a "good time" at our expense.

I too.. i don't have any issues with things... but really... I don't want to go thru any mind games with divorced guys again.

I'd like to be in a relationship myself.. It may not be marriage.. but this "oh.. this is all casual thing, but let's have sex" cuz i'm healing from my divorce is for the birds!

Ya know. I was just having a conversation on IM with my divorced man and he told me that at the time we dated he was just not looking for a committment ANYWHERE. It was not about me. Then the girl he dated after me he did not expect anything to come from it---but he is still with her as far as I know. Maybe it's a matter of being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

He has been divorced now for 2.5 yrs. When I met him he was in the process of divorcing and we dated right after his divorce ( within the first year) Bad, bad

A friend of mine swears that men are ready to settle down and get serious again around the 2 yr mark. I wonder how accurate that is.

Yes, muneca, it might just be a matter of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I think you are right though.. The first year is probably the worst time to meet a guy after his divorce.. but it seems that the guy I dated hasn't been divorced even a year when he met someone he was serious about.

Who knows.. maybe this is a rebound thing too.... it's hard to believe someone with that many "issues" with lack of trust could get over them so quickly.. but then I'm not him.

But that is my basic question... how do you know when they are over the "bad time" and able to move onto a real relationship, not this mumble jumble about not getting serious with anyone.. because that is just a waste of time for me.. and it appears other women also?

This seems a very valid question in this day and age when so many people are divorced or getting divorced. Even people in their twenties now seem to be divorcing at record rates.

I suppose that guys go through the same thing with recently divorced women too.

Well I keep trying to tell my soon-2-b ex that this girl he has been seeing since 3 days after he left me, is just a rebound. He has already tried to put the moves on me since he has been with her and separated from me. I honestly do not understand WHY he would want to get in a relationship so quickly after being with someone for so long. If I were you, I would be a bit apprehensive about dating a newly divorced guy too.

As for me, I have not dated at all yet since my separation but am very much yearning for some male companionship/friendship. I definitely will not be wanting to get real serious for a while though, that is for sure.

Good luck and I hope you find Mr. Right soon!

Sadie, keep trying. I think you have a negative attitude going because certainly all guys out there are not "newly divorced". I would think a newly divorced guy would want to date a few gals before settling down again. Either you were just plain unlucky or for whatever reasons, these guys just weren't totally interested in you. I am married(20yr together) and enjoy a good relationship with my wife, I wish the same for you. It's possible, keep trying. Work on yourself, hopefully that'll attrack the right lid for your pot.

I am currently working toward a D that is not of my choice. I am definitely intimidated about getting back out in the singles scene. For me the funloving bar scene is not something I want to revisit. I did enjoy being married and am looking forward to meeting someone new which I know will help me move forward. I'm not looking to get remarried anytime soon but along the same token if I met someone special right away I would cherish that and be open to a serious relationship.

Hang in there on your end. Don't immediately dismiss those of us that are recently divorced but watch out for the signs that mean run... 8) He should not be constantly comparing you to his ex or expecting you to have the eternal shoulder to cry on. He should be excited and focused on what the future the two of you can develop together......my 2 cents..

All of as humans have baggage, some just keep it a little more organized than others.....

Well... hard charger.. i think perhaps i have a "negative" attitude as you call it.. because.. the divorced guys I've dated certainly haven't played fair with me...

If you just want to have a fling.. you should be man enough to say so.. not lead a girl onto thinking you want a exclusive relationship with her.

Enough said.. even if you have not been divorced that is just not playing fair.. it's playing games.

Maybe the only work i need to do is just avoid the guys who are newly divorced.. whatever that means.. b/c it seems to vary from person to person when they are ready for a Real relationship. not this russian roulette of several bed partners.

Another thing that worries me about these divorced guys.. is if they are playing the field and not telling me.. and I decide to get intimate with one of them.. that puts my health (and life) at risk....

I DO hate to be putting people into categories.because I've had female friends who dated guys who were getting out of marriages and ending up being very happy with their divorced guys and i'm sure there are some divorced guys out there that are ready for relationships.. but I have to be smart for myself..

I don't really want my time and energy wasted by another guy just "getting over" his marriage again.

I think i deserve alot more than that.

And like i say.. i'm not at an age group anymore that most of the guys i meet are just single.. most of them are divorced... so that leaves me sort out on a limb..

Don't look away.. well.. thanks for your post.. but there's a line in your post that really disturbs me...

" am looking forward to meeting someone new which I know will help me move forward. "

See.. if I'm just being used as the person to help some divorced guy "move forward" then he really doesn't value me as a person.. he's just using me to move forward...

I hate to keep repeating myself.. but i really don't cherish being just a stepping stone for some guy. That is a complete waste of my time and energy imho.

Don't look away.. well.. thanks for your post.. but there's a line in your post that really disturbs me...

" am looking forward to meeting someone new which I know will help me move forward. "

 

See.. if I'm just being used as the person to help some divorced guy "move forward" then he really doesn't value me as a person.. he's just using me to move forward...

I guess I should have elaborated more. I meant moving forward with someone, not using them for just my own personal gain. I do agree that if a guy's intention is not looking for a serious relationship he should say so, divorced or not.

Another piece to the puzzle is whether you are divorced or not you won't know if there is going to be a serious connection between the two immediately. If it turns out there isn't, one of the two will probably end up hurt in some way.

It's always a gamble and we seem to keep stepping up to the table to play....... As much as things have hurt me this time I still want that special someone in my life....

I think people are going to be players whether they are newly divorced or not. The thing you have to do is keep your own standards/boundaries. If you think you will be having sex with someone who may still be playing the field, then don't have sex until you have both discussed exclusivity. If you feel that someone is playing with your feelings then stop seeing them.

In the meantime be good company. Don't tell the next guy how bad the other guys were before him or lay out your bad dating experiences on the first date, second date, or third. Keep an open mind. There are good people out there and some of them are just not looking for what you are looking for.

So the next guy that asks why you are single ( I would get asked this sometimes) tell him that the last guy and you "just wanted different things" it's much better than getting into a sordid tale of your dating woes. It will reflect better on you and will keep you from looking bitter or angry. (Not that you do that, just a suggestion)

Keep in mind what you are looking for and when you see something is not it, move on to the next person. Don't waste too much time.

Okay, muneca.. that is sound advice. Yeah... I don't want to lay a bunch of headtrips on some new innocent guy... he's not the one who treated me unfairly... That would just as bad as what the divorced guy I dated did to me.. in making me feel responsible for all the stuff his ex laid on him!

and Don't Look Away... thanks for the clarification... it sounded a bit on your initial post that you were just looking for a "stepping stone", when you said you were looking for someone to "move forward" with. I'm glad to see you aren't into using people. Maybe there are some good divorced guys out there,

Unfortunately.. now.. most of the single guys I do meet are divorced..badcharger..Of course if you are married... you wouldn't really know what the dating scene is like anyway..Like I say, usually the only guys I meet who are interested in me who aren't divorced are in their twenties! I just don't want to date men in their twenties.. lol.. . so I'm always dealing with someone's closet full of skeletons, lol!!

Oh..well..you are right Don't Look Away, we all have to get up to the table and play.. It just seems that dating nowadays has so many pitfalls...

It's bad enough we have to deal with such serious social diseases.. but there are a LOT of players out there, no question about it.

It almost seems that our culture nowadays encourages people to be "players", to not really care about other people's feelings and just do what feels good for yourself. I find that sad.

I wonder.. too.. if guys go through the same thing with recently divorced women too.

There's a book, Dating the Divorced Man, Christie Hartman, gives tips on how to handle such relationships and what to look out for before you get involved. I think key is just don't be his therapist and don't do too much for him, let him focus on making you happy. The best way is also to let him lead and don't expect too much, focus on appreciating the moment and what he does for you.

I hate to say it but if you are the first woman attempting to date a guy coming out of s long term relationship, you WILL be a rebound. This guy has been with the same person for a very long time. And regardless of the circumstances of the breakup/divorce, he has a very long history with his ex. And with that history comes a level of comfort, experiences and what he's been use to for a long time. He needs time to process the death of his marriage and process it like the death of a loved one. Once he's done this, he can truly reflect on his failures, retool and have the wisdom to make it lasting the next time around.

I think that the guys who jump into another marriage very soon after divorce are destined to be divorced again. And statistics show that most second marriages where this is the case fail.

He needs time to find himself as an individual again so that he can be happy by himself. A guy that doesn't need a woman to be fulfilled but wants a good woman. This is the guy you want. It's true that the 20-something guy doesn't have the baggage an older guy has but the older guy, if he's truly taken the time has the strength, wisdom and experience to know what it takes to make a lasting relationship.

"i want someone i can be lovers and friends with. Is that too much to ask?"

- Not at all Sadie! It's just who your asking and what your asking for.

Set your heart, mind and soul on what you really want.

Heart and mind is your job. Soul/spirit must be you and God.

Beware, God helps those who help themselves. (Free will)

You help yourself when you embrace the practical.

That said:

Divorce/Long term splits are traumatic. These men need at least a year of healing before they can recognize you.