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Losing your mate and dating again


Puddin

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It's coming up on one year since my husband of nearly 20 years passed away suddenly. I've been dating now for a few months and have some conflicting feelings about it... mostly I feel ok since I know he wouldnt want me to be alone and I'm relatively young so I would like to have another partner in life.

 

I'm wondering what other people think about dating after death of your partner; how long should one wait and how do you deal with their family when it's clear you are moving on?

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Hi,

 

I don't know what help i can be to be honest but i just wanted to say hi and give you my support, my parents have been married 32 yrs there 52 and my dad has recently found out he is terminally ill. He has told my mum he doesn't want her to be alone and truly wants her to find someone else to look after her when he's gone. I know my parents love each other dearly and we have a very close family, how ever if it was my mother in your situation i would want her to move on as soon as she felt ready. My sister and i (19 and 25) would fully understand and see this as no kind of disrespect for our dad.

What i'm trying to say is the right time is not measurable in days weeks months or years, its when you feel ready, i'm sure your husband would want you to be happy and the rest of your family will be very pleased to see you happy again.

Hope that helped

Sugar xxx

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Sugar-rush, I'm so sorry to read about your dad Do whatever you have to do to say what needs to be said. I work with people every day who have lost a loved one (funeral industry) and the saddest thing is when there are unresolved issues within the family. Thanks for your comments - I know he'd want me to be happy and deep down I know that his family would want the same.

 

laclarita, thanks - I have been going back and forth feeling guilty about it; I guess on some level it feels like cheating but of course it's not.

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Hey Puddin,

 

 

When I was almost 23, my boyfriend of 5 years passed away quite suddenly, and tragically (he was two weeks shy of his 26th birthday).

 

I realized early on, I needed to do what I needed to do. Now 5 years is still very different than 20...but I think I can relate to the feeling of losing that intimacy, and having all your long term shared plans/goals with your partner also now being rewritten, and that loss of your mate.

 

I started casually dating again not terribly long after, a few months perhaps, though it was clear I was not quite ready either. I entered a long term relationship which ended after a little over a year, and then I took another 6 months after that realizing I still had some things to deal with that had carried over...I almost became TOO scared of losing someone, even if meant my own happiness could be lost.

 

I took some time, and then I then met my current boyfriend, whom I almost instantly knew was the one for me...and I know it sounds strange, but I truly believe my late boyfriend somehow brought us together, knowing he would be the right one for me We live together and are incredibly happy with one another - have our problems - but we truly felt like we were meant for one another, and truly partners.

 

The hardest part about dating again was...not only did some of my friends not approve (those who had known him too, I think it was hard for THEM to see me with someone else) but it was more that I realized I had CHANGED a lot, in what I was looking for, in my priorities, in what was important in life. I no longer would settle for immature silliness, game playing, nor would I sweat the small things. At 22....I was basically a widow...not something I shared with many people. It scared some men away, I did not bring it up on first date or anything, but it would come up at some point....and I was not going to hide it, it was part of who I WAS now. It was my experience, my life, something that helped me grow, and learn. I will always care about my late partner, he truly changed my life and I will ALWAYS thinks he was my angel on earth, and in death. I found that there are not many people my age who had ever gone through that, so I felt almost alienated in many ways, and far older in many ways to them. I had a different attitude towards life, love, happiness.

 

Phew, I am getting carried away here!

 

The point is, you will have changed now, in a lot of ways, but you have to do whats right for YOU. Your family might at first be worried, that you are moving too fast, or something, but if you find the right person, they will be HAPPY for you, truly. And you know your late partner will want you to be happy, move on, and he is still "with" you in your heart, always will be...he will guide you in the right way. I am not religious, but after my experience, I am terribly spiritual in a sense.

 

As for his family...well, after my partner died, his family's true colours came out. His dad was amazing, heartbroken...I gave him the artwork I had done for R as a gift, he was touched. He had me involved in the service out there (there were two services, one here, one out in another province) and I spoke at the service. Here, his mother banned me from speaking, she did not even want me at any of the gatherings really, it was cold. She had not wanted me at hospital either much..something I will always be confused about, as before that she had always been nice to me...so I did not deal much with them. I talk to his dad sometimes, let him know how I am, he knows I am dating, and is very supportive, he really liked me, and wanted me to be happy.

 

The hardest part might also be the guilt...for me, when I met my current partner, I felt guilty in some ways for almost being "glad" things turned out as they did. Not glad my late boyfriend passed away - the world truly lost an amazing person, and I feel sad for all those who will never know him, for the loss of his life, of his presense, and I wish he was still alive - but if he was, maybe I would not be here...I am fortunate for having met J.....to be where I am now. That makes me feel guilt sometimes. Things did happen as they did, I can't change that...if I could, I would wish him alive, but I wonder how things would be if they had not happened as they did...would I be truly happy? He was my best friend, I loved him dearly...but would I have been as happy, as whole, as "me" as I am now without it happening? Would I have learned all I did, and I never would be with J now....likely.....

 

Anyway, do what feels right for you, and I do know what you are going through to a degree, so feel free to PM me if you ever need to. It's tough, but you'll be okay, things work out, and he is always there in some way with you....trust and love again...it's the best way to remember him too.

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RayKay, I could have written much of that post. We're approaching the one year mark and I feel like I'm such a different person.

 

I have no doubt that your late love had a hand in your current relationship. Congratulations on finding someone special and living your life the way it's meant to be lived To love and be loved is a wonderful thing

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Napolean, I really get what your saying and before I was in that position I had all sorts of ideas about what I would and wouldnt do. However, once the reality of the situation set in I realized that I don't want to be alone - still young and have many years left.

 

I married really young and now I'm just exploring the whole dating thing which I had never really done - what a quagmire!

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  • 2 weeks later...

I lost my husband after 28 years of marriage to lung cancer. Before he died, I never thought I'd remarry. After it happened, it was a different matter.

 

I spent the first year after his death rededicating my life to Christ. I spent more time in prayer and Bible study. I also committed to change and really worked at becoming the person Christ wanted me to be.

 

One year and one month after the death of my first husband, I was introduced to the man I later married. His wife of 28 years died of cancer one month after my husband.

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Wow S. Harris, thanks for sharing, interesting how you and your spouse's story is very similar in terms of the years you were together with your former partners and the similar end as well.

 

I never was religious, and have not become so since the death, but I am definitely far more spiritual, changed my priorities, what was important in life and also aim to be the best person I can be. As the Dalai Lamai said, "my religion is kindness" and I strive to hold to that. Kindness is about more than helping someone cross the street, it is about allowing it to encompass your life, to have compassion, empathy, and aim to better this world.

 

Good luck in your future

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  • 1 month later...

RayKay-

 

I understand every word you wrote- I have a similiar situation. Only my boyfriend passed away right before his 25th birthday, I was 22. It all happened about two years ago, and I have begun to date his best friend. People have mixed feeling about it, but we have learned that we make ourselves happy-- friends had a lot to say about it, but in the end our true friends see the beauty and simplicity in our closeness and happiness together.

 

To anyone who is worried about moving on, it's not easy... and there are issues that go with it, but when my mom and I discussed it (at the time I was sure that I would never ever date again) she explained to me that the person you love who isn't here anymore understands that there is room in your heart for someone new to love. He/she doesnt expect you to waste the rest of your love.

Don't rush it, but when it feels okay... it's okay to try to be happy. and it's okay if that person isn't "the one" right away. (went on dates with a few of those-- but the jump start of a few one-date nights helped me realize dating was allright)

 

I still have strange feelings when I think of how happy I am right now, guilt on both ends -- guilt for missing my late boyfriend, and guilt for being happy. Thank you for sharing your story. This is such an awkward struggle that affects every day and although I will always have a bit of sadness, it has brought a new perspective to what is important in my life.

 

Now that I have rambled, I am wondering-- I have friends that sometimes call by late boyfriend my ex-boyfriend. This upsets me almost to the point of tears sometimes... what do I tell them, it drives me crazy. We never broke up...

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I know what you're going through and won't go into personal circumstances - but I think if you want to date; do it.

Your partner wouldn't want his death to be the end of all of your potential relationships.

 

You shouldn't feel guilty.

If it had been you that died; would you want your partner to grieve your death for the rest of his life? Never date again?

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Puddin, don't feel guilty.

 

My boyfriend of two years passed away in a bike accident 6 months after a friend of our lost his new wife and unborn child in a car crash. We were friends before, and I believe my love that passes, and his wife willed us to be together. We visited each other constantly after the death of my bf, about 3 months after. We were part of the same circle of friends, so it was only natural for us to go to parties together etc, We started officially dating 6 months after my BF died (9 months after his wife died) and got married a year later. We have a beautifull baby, and we are happy.

 

I still miss and love my bf and I know he still misses and loves his first wife. I know he sometimes wonder what his first baby would have looked like, etc, but we both realise you have to carry on with you life, and they are not coming back.

 

Do what is best for you, and if the others in your life disapproves, well basta! It is your life, and you have to do what you feel comfortable with!

 

Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon!

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June -

 

Wow, very similar timeframes for both of us, strange. Not a club that anyone wants to be in though, is it?

 

I understand fully your feelings of guilt at times...absolutely.

 

The ex-boyfriend thing...I think just reaffirm to someone when they call him that that you prefer they call him your "late-bf". For some people...saying "ex" is easier than "late"...and if they are not in your shoes, they may not see why it bothers you. It bothers me too...it's also hard to explain sometimes why he's late rather then ex to people who don't know that history, but just be confident in what you prefer and emphasize it calmly, politely and people should respect that.

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I would think it would be hard for a new person to consider being compared to or competing with the "perfect" memory of a man that never makes any mistakes (anymore) and is generally only remembered for the good times. (pink colored glasses)

 

hard but not impossible...

 

 

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I would think it would be hard for a new person to consider being compared to or competing with the "perfect" memory of a man that never makes any mistakes (anymore) and is generally only remembered for the good times. (pink colored glasses)

 

hard but not impossible...

 

 

 

I don't think that's the case though, I certainly never think of my late-boyfriend as perfect. I also realize that EVERYONE is human, and complete with flaws and imperfections. I don't know, I just don't think we forget the mistakes...or only remember the good.

 

I think if a person can move on and heal and accept everyone is different then there is no problem...I certainly do not think it's fair that one must be alone for the rest of their life if they unfortunately lost their partners/spouses in such a manner.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think that only time can heal. Death is a Trauma not just a broken heart and needs time to recover from and between 2 and 3 years you are over the worst.

I think that you're ready when you can go out as an independent person and think of yourself as SINGLE inside again and not a widow. When you can go for a drink with friends and feel like a whole person who is confident and happy again. This is the time to start dating. Otherwise its not fair on the person you date.

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  • 1 year later...

my husband died in oct of 06. we were married(unhappily for most of that time) i left him two years ago, he couldnt stop taking pain meds and died from an overdose, which is why i left. we have two children. anyway i was in love with one of his friends the entire time we were married( ow god that sounds so bad) we never did anything... i just dreamed about it.was in process of getting a divorce when he died. so i see his friend at the funeral, and i almost passed out, we hadnt seen each other for years, but the both of us have always had a special relationship.ok so let me say again we were separated for two years, he was drug addicted for most of our marriage ok people i am really not a jerk i swear.. but i just need some advice, i feel so guilty yet, i dont know, crap...well he said he loved me too....i dont know what to do can someone help me hear.

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  • 4 months later...

Sonjam, you are so right! This is the most purest and honest form of moving on with your life that I have read so far. I am in the same situation of loving a man whom I have known since we were kids. We dated for a bit 20 years ago. We moved on with separate lives for the next 20 years. I am divorced, he is recently widowed from cancer. He wanted me to be back in his life after his lost, and I wanted to be there. We have been seeing each other for the last couple of months and now he has regressed in his grieving process. In short I think, of course time heals all wounds, and it also matters how you use that time in order to heal. Now I am a position of whether I move on or be supportive. I choose the latter.

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  • 5 months later...

A year and a half ago I lost my boyfriend in a freak skydiving accident. I am quite lucky to have unbelievable support from new friendships, old friendships, his family, and my family. Their love and patience has carried me very far and I am very grateful. But I find myself overwhelmed with questions that this exisitng support group cannot answer. My friends are frustrated because they feel like they cannot guide me through this new stage of my grief.

 

I am starting to date again. I am starting to interact with new groups of people. These people do not know about my past nor about my pain, and I find myself frustrated and crying a lot. I want to communicate, I want to develop new friendships, I want to explore relationships, and I want to move forward but I feel like I lack the tools and knowledge to do so.

 

I was with a new group of friends, and I found it appropriate to share a funny story involving Mike. They asked who Mike was, and I said he was a friend. But after the dinner, I cried for an hour and half because I felt like referring to Mike simply as a "friend" was disrespectful to him, disrespectful to his memory. I don't want to call him my boyfriend because I want the space and opportunity for another man to enter my life. How do I handle this? How do I communicate with others without disclosing all the pain & trauma I have been through?

 

Does anyone have an opinion on when it's appropriate to bring up the pain & the past & what Mike meant to me to someone I am dating? I keep looking for an opportunity, but I am so apprehensive about scaring someone away or unsure if it will appear that I'm clinging to the past.

 

I have relied heavily on Mike's family to see me through this, and they have been accepting and supportive. But in this new stage of grief, I find myself pulling away from them. I wonder how to cut ties with them without being rude. I wonder if I do cut ties with them if I will regret it later. Is this just a phase?

 

I thought getting up everyday was tough. But now I find this moving forward and communication with new people to be even more challenging.

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Puddin,

Coming up on one year also, contemplating dating also!

We discussed in advance, years ago, what we wanted for the "other" person to do...carry on!

It's tricky territory tho...lot's of landmines and head-gamers.

But I wish you the best, hopefully we'll both end up in Dating forum wondering what the h*ll we're doing! LOL!!!

KG

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  • 1 year later...

My mother never dated after my dad died and no one in my family has dated after their spouse has died. I guess I wouldn't know how to do that as I've never had anyone close to me date after bereavement. They stayed single the rest of their lives. I don't think it's wrong to date at all, it would just seem foreign to me.

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