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Thread: Losing your mate and dating again

  1. #1
    Puddin
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    Losing your mate and dating again

    It's coming up on one year since my husband of nearly 20 years passed away suddenly. I've been dating now for a few months and have some conflicting feelings about it... mostly I feel ok since I know he wouldnt want me to be alone and I'm relatively young so I would like to have another partner in life.

    I'm wondering what other people think about dating after death of your partner; how long should one wait and how do you deal with their family when it's clear you are moving on?

  2. #2
    Sugar-Rush
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    Hi,

    I don't know what help i can be to be honest but i just wanted to say hi and give you my support, my parents have been married 32 yrs there 52 and my dad has recently found out he is terminally ill. He has told my mum he doesn't want her to be alone and truly wants her to find someone else to look after her when he's gone. I know my parents love each other dearly and we have a very close family, how ever if it was my mother in your situation i would want her to move on as soon as she felt ready. My sister and i (19 and 25) would fully understand and see this as no kind of disrespect for our dad.
    What i'm trying to say is the right time is not measurable in days weeks months or years, its when you feel ready, i'm sure your husband would want you to be happy and the rest of your family will be very pleased to see you happy again.
    Hope that helped
    Sugar xxx

  3. #3
    laclarita
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    I totally agree with the above poster. He would want to see you happy and it's all about what you feel inside. Please don't feel guilty about it....

  4. #4
    Puddin
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    Sugar-rush, I'm so sorry to read about your dad Do whatever you have to do to say what needs to be said. I work with people every day who have lost a loved one (funeral industry) and the saddest thing is when there are unresolved issues within the family. Thanks for your comments - I know he'd want me to be happy and deep down I know that his family would want the same.

    laclarita, thanks - I have been going back and forth feeling guilty about it; I guess on some level it feels like cheating but of course it's not.

  5. #5
    RayKay
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    Hey Puddin,


    When I was almost 23, my boyfriend of 5 years passed away quite suddenly, and tragically (he was two weeks shy of his 26th birthday).

    I realized early on, I needed to do what I needed to do. Now 5 years is still very different than 20...but I think I can relate to the feeling of losing that intimacy, and having all your long term shared plans/goals with your partner also now being rewritten, and that loss of your mate.

    I started casually dating again not terribly long after, a few months perhaps, though it was clear I was not quite ready either. I entered a long term relationship which ended after a little over a year, and then I took another 6 months after that realizing I still had some things to deal with that had carried over...I almost became TOO scared of losing someone, even if meant my own happiness could be lost.

    I took some time, and then I then met my current boyfriend, whom I almost instantly knew was the one for me...and I know it sounds strange, but I truly believe my late boyfriend somehow brought us together, knowing he would be the right one for me We live together and are incredibly happy with one another - have our problems - but we truly felt like we were meant for one another, and truly partners.

    The hardest part about dating again was...not only did some of my friends not approve (those who had known him too, I think it was hard for THEM to see me with someone else) but it was more that I realized I had CHANGED a lot, in what I was looking for, in my priorities, in what was important in life. I no longer would settle for immature silliness, game playing, nor would I sweat the small things. At 22....I was basically a widow...not something I shared with many people. It scared some men away, I did not bring it up on first date or anything, but it would come up at some point....and I was not going to hide it, it was part of who I WAS now. It was my experience, my life, something that helped me grow, and learn. I will always care about my late partner, he truly changed my life and I will ALWAYS thinks he was my angel on earth, and in death. I found that there are not many people my age who had ever gone through that, so I felt almost alienated in many ways, and far older in many ways to them. I had a different attitude towards life, love, happiness.

    Phew, I am getting carried away here!

    The point is, you will have changed now, in a lot of ways, but you have to do whats right for YOU. Your family might at first be worried, that you are moving too fast, or something, but if you find the right person, they will be HAPPY for you, truly. And you know your late partner will want you to be happy, move on, and he is still "with" you in your heart, always will be...he will guide you in the right way. I am not religious, but after my experience, I am terribly spiritual in a sense.

    As for his family...well, after my partner died, his family's true colours came out. His dad was amazing, heartbroken...I gave him the artwork I had done for R as a gift, he was touched. He had me involved in the service out there (there were two services, one here, one out in another province) and I spoke at the service. Here, his mother banned me from speaking, she did not even want me at any of the gatherings really, it was cold. She had not wanted me at hospital either much..something I will always be confused about, as before that she had always been nice to me...so I did not deal much with them. I talk to his dad sometimes, let him know how I am, he knows I am dating, and is very supportive, he really liked me, and wanted me to be happy.

    The hardest part might also be the guilt...for me, when I met my current partner, I felt guilty in some ways for almost being "glad" things turned out as they did. Not glad my late boyfriend passed away - the world truly lost an amazing person, and I feel sad for all those who will never know him, for the loss of his life, of his presense, and I wish he was still alive - but if he was, maybe I would not be here...I am fortunate for having met J.....to be where I am now. That makes me feel guilt sometimes. Things did happen as they did, I can't change that...if I could, I would wish him alive, but I wonder how things would be if they had not happened as they did...would I be truly happy? He was my best friend, I loved him dearly...but would I have been as happy, as whole, as "me" as I am now without it happening? Would I have learned all I did, and I never would be with J now....likely.....

    Anyway, do what feels right for you, and I do know what you are going through to a degree, so feel free to PM me if you ever need to. It's tough, but you'll be okay, things work out, and he is always there in some way with you....trust and love again...it's the best way to remember him too.

  6. #6
    Puddin
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    RayKay, I could have written much of that post. We're approaching the one year mark and I feel like I'm such a different person.

    I have no doubt that your late love had a hand in your current relationship. Congratulations on finding someone special and living your life the way it's meant to be lived To love and be loved is a wonderful thing

  7. #7
    Napoleon Bonaparte

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    if I was married and they died I probably wouldn't seriously date again. Esp if it was twenty yrs. Of course I may or may not have sex again...

  8. #8
    Puddin
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    Napolean, I really get what your saying and before I was in that position I had all sorts of ideas about what I would and wouldnt do. However, once the reality of the situation set in I realized that I don't want to be alone - still young and have many years left.

    I married really young and now I'm just exploring the whole dating thing which I had never really done - what a quagmire!

  9. #9
    S. Harris
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    I lost my husband after 28 years of marriage to lung cancer. Before he died, I never thought I'd remarry. After it happened, it was a different matter.

    I spent the first year after his death rededicating my life to Christ. I spent more time in prayer and Bible study. I also committed to change and really worked at becoming the person Christ wanted me to be.

    One year and one month after the death of my first husband, I was introduced to the man I later married. His wife of 28 years died of cancer one month after my husband.

  10. #10
    RayKay
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    Wow S. Harris, thanks for sharing, interesting how you and your spouse's story is very similar in terms of the years you were together with your former partners and the similar end as well.

    I never was religious, and have not become so since the death, but I am definitely far more spiritual, changed my priorities, what was important in life and also aim to be the best person I can be. As the Dalai Lamai said, "my religion is kindness" and I strive to hold to that. Kindness is about more than helping someone cross the street, it is about allowing it to encompass your life, to have compassion, empathy, and aim to better this world.

    Good luck in your future

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