Trust Issues

Me and my husband got married very young. I was 15 and he was 18, we have been married for 5 years now. We get along very good and have a good marriage. However, this has not always been the case and we both have trust issues that cause most of our fights. About a year after we go married I left him and started dating someone else. We got back together a few months later and then in June of 2004 I was pregnant with our twin boys and he left me for a 38 year old. I took him back and swore it would be the last time we split up and got back together. Well, since then we have along better than ever and I am very much in love with him. I love him unconditionally and never want to be apart from him again. I know that he loves me and wants to be with me also, but we cannot trust each other because of the past. Every time we argue, one of us brings up the other's mistakes. I know he doesn't cheat on me and I would NEVER cheat on him. But we are both so paranoid that we will cheat on each other that we can't stand it. We really don't know how to stop being so afraid of this, although we ech know that we don't cheat on ech other. It's just a major fear of both of us and I don't want it to ruin what we have together. Please help!

This is a very tough situation with no easy answers. Once you've lost trust for someone, it's very difficult to get it back, and sometimes not at all.

You can try the whole 'marriage counselling' approach, but I don't think that trust issues are solved with the help of an additional person.

Rebuilding trust is going to take honesty on both your parts, respect, and open communication for a very long time. Since you got married so young, it's understandable that there have been issues. After all, you were still growing into an adult when you met him. In fact, I think both of you still have some growing to do, which can be accomplished together but only with a mutual effort.

That is pretty hard. I'd be tempted to say that the two cheating incedences cancel each other out. But I know that's not so easy...you both got married very young--why was that? I thought one had to be at least 17 or 18 before they could legally be married. To me marriage that young is kinda like stunting someone's growth. I'm not saying that you couldn't have been with your husband and gone to college or gotten your education (you did graduate from high school, didn't you?) but having the responsibllity of being married can really put a stress on you and if you're not (forgive the word, it's nothing personal) mature mentally to deal with it then you end up not knowing how do deal with your feelings and you cheat. I think of my 15 year old cousin and can't for the life of me picture her married.

I think you just have to be open and communicate with each other; that way your feelings don't build up into something negitve. If someone is not happy, that's another reason they cheat...so I'm told.

Constantly fighting is not healthy. If the relationship is like a roller-coaster romance, think about how it would be like with a 3rd party involved (i.e. children). If you guys are planning to have kids, it would be unfair for them to witness mommy and daddy always fighting. In any cases though, if you guys can't trust each other at all, it's tough to go throughout life being stuck in that same situation. I understand how it feels though.

Like you, I had a partner very similar to yours. We were together for close to 4 years, me- starting at age 16, him- 21. Our relationship was similar to yours. We bonded really well. He was my only bestfriend, the only person who knew and understood me inside out. He loved me to death, and adored me like crazy. I saw it through his every little action. However, there were a few things that he did. I guess he was just full of testosterone, and had this problem with flirting with women. To him, it was not flirting, but I saw right through it. He cheated on me once, though he won't admit it.

Anyway, my point is, although we lasted for 4 years, like your relationship, we still had our quirrels about trust. I knew in my heart that it would just not work out. So, should you take the risk and break up or stay together? It's really up to you. Just to let you know about my progress, I would have to say that it's really hard to find someone who cares for you and you both bond a certain way. It's really tough. Once you break up with him, you will feel as though you're missing your other half, but you will eventually learn to get over it. It will be hard to get back on your feet and move on in life. You will continue to feel jaded, but you have to ask yourself if you really think that keeping an unhealthy romance is something worth holding onto. I know that it might be healthy in a sense that this person is the ultimate person who you confide in, someone who knows you best unlike no other, but it is very unhealthy if the fights are prolonged, and this drama drags on forever.

Listen to your heart, and weigh out your relationship's pros and cons.

Ok as I am sure you all have read from my topic me and my wife are in process of being separated and so forth, so I doubt I am the best to give advice here. One thing me and her have never argued about sense we have dated is cheating, I think we owe it mainly to the fact that we are honest with each other. Just and example, awhile back we went to hardee's drive thru and there was a really good looking woman at the window taking my money. Me and the girl sit there and talked with my wife in the passenger seat, I sat there and kept flirting and talking and so did the girl. I stopped and introduced her to my wife and they spoke for a few seconds and me and the girl were back at it. The whole time my wife was laughing at my cheesy pick up lines and was rubbing my arm and holding my hand. Afterwards I said and I quote "She looked good!" and as normal my wife agreed and just chuckled when she told me that the drive through girl was not going to be having #@$ with me that night so I better play nice.

Now this happens all the time, my wife flirts as well. It's weird I know but most of the time we give each other pointers and pick on each others mistakes, we ALWAYS introduce someone we are flirting with to the other. Again I know this sounds very strange but we are totally confident with each other in that way. lol most of the time she flirts more than me but I don't mind it because we are all humans and humans have hormones, hormones have to be released and so forth. We do draw a line though, under no reasons are we supposed to touch someone we flirt with. Now I let her go at hugging guys that she has been friends with for a long time I don't mind that at all, but I don't let my female friends hug on me, it just makes me feel weird lol.