Confused and wondering what's next...

I hardly know where to begin... it seems maybe timeline format might be easiest.

Early August 2004 - My husband and I experience a threesome with another woman - it was completely unplanned and a surprise to us both. It was fun and exciting, I chalked it up to a bizarr once in a lifetime experience. In retrospect I think I allowed Pandora's box to be opened.
 
Late August 2004 - I found out that I was pregnant with our first child, one we had been trying for since marrying in 1997. We were both excited, scared, and eager.
 
November 2004 - My husband informs me that his 'friends' - girls he met online - from Russia were sending me a baby gift... a handmade russian doll. These friends were two girls he met at an online sex site... like a cam deal, where the guys pay money to watch these girls perform. I was a bit peeved, but believed him when he said that he never watched them perform, but that he enjoyed talking to them and learning about their culture. I suggest we send them back a gift... something uniquely American, and I am then told that he already sent them each a gift. He sent them each a "dress" - if that is what you can call it - from a lingerie site. He spent about $100.00 in all on shipping and whatnot. I immediately told him that was NOT an appropriate gift to send. He apologized for being dumb, and agreed he had not used the best judgement and was sorry he hurt me. To my knowledge that was the last contact he had with those two girls.
 
December 2004 - April 2005 My husband continues to spend vast amounts of time on the internet on sex / porn sites with me finding out much later to what extent. He invites me to come chat with him in a Yahoo room geared toward sex. I refuse, because I was big as a house pregnant and frankly not in the mood.
 
Mid April 2005 - I sat down at his computer, to look up something... something I had done a million times before - when a PM popped up for him - it was very familiar sounding and too intimate for my comfort. That night I did a quick search on his computer finding enough information to piss me off. I confronted him about what I found, and was confused because the profile was set up as though he were a lesbian female. He simply stated that the whole thing was a joke that he and some other guys decided to do after the lesbian chat room ran them out of there while doing some major male bashing. He says that he will delete the profile... but something still doesn't feel right.
 
Mid April 2005 cont. - I ask him the following day if he has formed any relationships online of any meaning or that I should know of. At first he said no, but then mentions that their is this one girl named Jasmine that he talks to a lot. After he went to bed I searched for Jasmine and searched his Yahoo archives... what I found made me sick! His communications with Jasmine were very definitely not innocent... he had been PM'ing her privately and having cybersex with her since January. I confronted him and he reacted by saying it was nothing more than fantasy... and that I snooped, and it was the same as if I had read his diary. So the fight began... and I went into labor.
 
End of April 2005 - My husband agrees to 'break up' with Jasmine and no longer PM her privately. My water breaks and on the way to the hospital I find out that just that morning he called her to comfort her, because she was feeling down about losing two guys in two days... one of the guys being him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing - I push it aside as best as I can... I am afterall about to have a baby.
 
Beginning of May 2005 - At the very end of April, I ended up delivering by c-section and having to stay in the hospital. My husband didn't stay overnight until the third night... at which point our fight promptly resumed. He explained to me that the only reason he ever went online in the first place was to get ideas to spice up our sex life. He did it all for me, and admitted getting caught up in the whole deal and not realizing how much time he had been spending on the computer each night. He also informed that if I got hurt it was my own fault for having snooped in his stuff. Plus he needed friends and since I was unwilling to go out with him, he figured he would make friends via the net. Actually I posted about this part of this whole mess at one other time.
 
End of May - Beginning of June - The fight roars on... I say he was cheating and he says he was not. I ask him to stop talking to Jasmine all together and reluctently he agrees. His parents come to visit.
 
Mid June - He tells me he is no longer doing anything online other than hanging out in the chat rooms. I get suspicious though, and once again search his computer to find out that he STILL has the pretend lesbian profile up... and of course I was like, WTF? I do a little more research and figure out that it isn't some lark profile, but is in fact a profile that he is taking seriously. I confront him and at first he continues making excuses, but then finally after he could no longer explain away the things I found, he admitted having a 'relationship' that included cybering with another female who thought he was also female. He said he did it because he wanted to get a girl's point of view - again so that he could use that information to please me. When I asked him why he went to such great lengths to hide it from me and deceive me, he said that in part it was because he was pissed off at me - he felt like I was trying to control his thoughts, trying to tell him what he could and could not think. During this search, I also found numerous emails inviting women to meet him for coffee or a beer - and even one to go out to the lake with him. He explained this away by saying he just wanted to find out if they were bots and pointed out that none had ever replied.
 
End of June - Current - Amazingly we came to a point of peace if you will... basically it involved me getting online with him and him agreeing not to go online without me. He still wanted to go out, though - and that is when we ended up checking out a swinger's club at his suggestion. I decide to keep an open mind, and I am surprised to find that I actually enjoy the club. It was NOTHING like I imagined it would be... I have fun, and am now comfortable enough basically what happens at the club stays at the club... once we walk out the doors, fantasy time is over. This is an offsite club - so there is no sex allowed. We go every other weekend. He has stopped using the internet for his sexual outlet, he seems to now be focusing his energy on me and our new daughter, and our sex life has improved by leaps and bounds.

So what is it that is still bugging me?? I am afraid of what comes next... we have not actively participated in any swing activities, but my husband has made it very clear that he is absolutely up for it. I just don't see me ever being comfortable with even light swinging... which is basically watching others have sex. I would be happy simply seeing our swing friends in the club and that be it, but he wants to be friends with these people - go out to dinner, socialize, etc. They are really nice and all, but they all casually have sex with each other and I don't want to have casual sex with any of them... it is just not my thing.

Plus, I guess I am still pissed off that my husband to this day has never acknowledged having ever done anything wrong. I can't help but blaming him for turning the birth of our daughter into something less than ideal, because he wanted so much to be online. Does that make any sense? Now, despite my resistance, he is wanting me to be more outgoing than I am comfortable with. I also feel like I have made all the compromises while he continues to just be insensitive. Just the other day I had told him about something that did make me uncomfortable - I didn't scold or anything, just basically told him I was bothered. So the next time we are in the club he jokingly tells everyone that I got pissed off at him.

I feel like I don't even know this man anymore... and when he does something to offend me, he always goes back to the same old excuse that he didn't intend to hurt me - and that he used poor judgement. What I call the stupid boy excuse. Also, I can't help but to feel like a fool. If anyone else told me this story, I would tell them they were ignoring the obvious that they are being played by a man who wants to have his cake and eat it too. Even so, I can't make myself believe that my husband is like that.

I am confused... I can't survive another deception from him. I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it is hard not to be suspicious of the time he still spends on his computer - probably legitamently working. Yet before I got pregnant - since 1994 we have been together - he never ever did anything like this. I want to just trust him again - but this sexual exploration kick he is on makes me nervous as hell... it is like he is having a mid-life crisis of sorts. I am really scared of him doing it again and forcing my hand... I couldn't live with myself if I allowed myself to be his doormat and yet I have nothing of my own and no way to care of our daughter. Plus, I love him.

Trust but verify. He has been doing things he continues to say he will not do. So how can you trust? He also seems a bit addicted, so he mgiht find himself unable to stop. So, tell him this is how it is going to be. You get to see everything he does on line. Nothing goes on without you knowing. There are ways to check. Do it and check. When he does something, he gets punished. When he seems to have given up doing things, check more infrequently and so him some trust. Don't tolerate what he does, and he might stop doing it. Tolerate it, and he won't stop.

Trust but verify. He has been doing things he continues to say he will not do. So how can you trust? He also seems a bit addicted, so he mgiht find himself unable to stop. So, tell him this is how it is going to be. You get to see everything he does on line. Nothing goes on without you knowing. There are ways to check. Do it and check. When he does something, he gets punished. When he seems to have given up doing things, check more infrequently and so him some trust. Don't tolerate what he does, and he might stop doing it. Tolerate it, and he won't stop.

That isn't trust. If you have to check on him and verify everything he does, it simply isn't trust. Who wants to live like that?

Having said that, I don't think you should trust him. He lied to you, continued to lie to you, and regardless of the excuses he's giving you, was actively seeking to cheat on you. Was this all stemmed from the threesome that you allowed? Maybe.

Did he suddenly feel overwhelmed when you became pregnant after 7 years of trying, and when he possibly thought it would never happen, thereforeeee adding a whole new dynamic of responsibility to you and this child? Maybe. Are any of these excuses for his behaviour? NO.

What he has done is completely unacceptable, and I don't see how you could trust him. He was keeping secrets from you left and right, and if he actually thinks you will believe his ridiculous excuses, I can't understand why.

Have you suggested therapy to him?

Are you really comfortable with the concept of a swinger's club? It sounds more like you like the thought of having new friends, but not the environment of casual sex and swapping partners.

I just don't see how this relationship can survive if there is no trust, and clearly right now you can't trust him.

Have you suggested therapy to him?

 

Are you really comfortable with the concept of a swinger's club? It sounds more like you like the thought of having new friends, but not the environment of casual sex and swapping partners.

Yes, I have suggested therapy and he refuses to even discuss the idea. As far as enjoying the swinger's club... the club itself is actually pretty fun, but honestly I could take it or leave it. For me to be really getting out again is a really big thing for me... maybe I should have included on my timeline that only about 6 months before all this went down I had just completed ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) for serious depression. The ECT was like a miricle, but during the coarse of the depression I became agoraphobic - so I went from being so depressed I was at the end of my rope and unable to leave the house to not being depressed anymore, but still having trouble leaving my house... to finally being decently comfortable leaving my house under certain circumstances... to now where I can leave this house and go to familiar places even though it still causes me a great deal of anxiety.

So, the club itself doesn't bother me - but going out in general is still really difficult for me. The movie, The Aviater, does a good job of portraying how it feels to emotionally ramp myself up to go out. It takes all I have to do it, and I don't mind pushing myself hard to get back into society... but the added expectation to go to 'parties' or to socialize in general is just simply too much for me - even if the socializing is nothing more than a completely vanilla event.

My husband has been dealing with my depression practicallly since we met and even though he really is a social bug, he has basically stayed home with me for all these years, because I simply wouldn't go out. So I do believe him when he says he craves people again and just can't stand being holed up in the house anymore... whereas if left to my own, I am perfectly happy being a hermit and never seeing another person except him and our daughter. So while the idea of having friends really charges him up, it makes me want to run and jump under my covers. Having a social life and friends is NOT easy for me, it is hard work... so even if we were going bowling instead of to the club, my anxiety would still be the same.

As far as trusting him... you are right, I don't trust him. I believe him about not being online anymore and such - but being confronted with a side of him I didn't even imagine existed has made me question everything I thought I knew about him. The way he acted and the things he said to me were just unbelievable, completely unacceptable and so out of character that I was left speechless.

I want my one-in-a-million back. I want to trust him and myself. I don't want to feel like an idiot for staying with him. I don't want to be stuck without options if this situation presents itself again.