Painful breakup.....

I usually dont like getting advice from people who don't know me or her but I'm in a bad situation. I've been with the same girl for almost 8 years now. But this past

month it has ended. I made mistakes that I regret but want to hopefully be given a chance to fix them if possible because I love this girl more than anything. I'm

a very emotional person and when I feel that someone

is hurting me in any way, I either push away or get

mean. My ex is very emotional as well but she kind of

like hides within herself when she is hurt. Anyway, I

have done things throughout the relationship when hurt

like get frustrated and either say something I regret

or end it, only to change my mind. It's not a game I

was playing but just frustration from being hurt.

Over the years, this took a toll on her. A heavy toll.

We had a very loving relationship when not fighting.

Anyway, the last time I did this (didn't speak to her

for a month and we don't live together), something hit

and she just got tired and fed up. She doesn't trust

me and was not happy. I have checked into therapy for

my emotional issues. I have never hit her or cheated

on her. My biggest problem was how much I care about

her so when she would do something that hurt me, many

time unintentional, I would just lose it.

So this was the last 3 weeks. When I speak to her

mostly, she is very cold now. Last week, and the week

before, she said things differently than this week.

First, she said she didn't trust me and she doesn't

like that she is thinking that way. I have to add that

she has trust issues with many people, as I do in that

we are both very caring and unselfish people, while

most are not that way. We always spoke about that.

Last week she said she doesn't think she can trust me,

and I asked what she wanted me to do. She said she

thinks it's unfair but she wants me to wait until she

clears her mind. We continued to talk. 5 days later,

she is much colder and saying she doesn't want it

anymore. knowing her as I do, I feel her anger in her

voice. She talks about wanting to be completely happy

and how she wants to be a hermit because she has trust issues with people and always has. It's almost like a midlife crisis/selfish phase and it is very tough for me to take. She is even buying

herself a new car she clearly cannot afford with the money she was saving up to get a place near me so we could eventually live together. My guess

is that she thinks that car will help her be happy. I care so much about her hurt.

I know my fault and I realize that it made her feel

this way, along with her own emotions. I am getting

into therapy because of it. Now, of course, people

around me (who I don't really trust) tell me to forget

her. But I cannot. We still do love each other and I

can see it. I mean just 2 months ago, we were looking

for a place and have been all year. Doesn't sound like

someone who intended to leave. She told me how fed up

and tired she was and I feel her in a selfish phase.

My heart is broken and I love her so much and we

always envisioned each other forever. I still do. I feel blindsided as my last 8 years has been me doing everything with her by her request. I included her in everything. Some friends say that if I have to give her some space and all that. We have always told each other everything. She knows more about me than my own family and vice versa. Sorry for the rant. Help please. Thank you.

sounds very much like my own story. I guess we're in the same boat so to speak. I suggest just letting her alone for awhile. Sounds to me like she would come back but I think you have to show her that you will and have changed. Not to just tell her but show it. Maybe go out together some weekend..do that for awhile. That is what I am hoping we will do durning this "seperation".

Sounds like she'll be back. Take your time, dont put any pressure on her at all, no relationship talk. Let her blow off some of her steam and i'm sure she'll be in contact with you soon.... Show her the progress you made with you actions, instead of your words., Good Luck

When I mentioned seeing each other to talk, she said no because she is afraid of how I may act (I do have a temper but never hit her but it can get scary) and /or she is scared she might give in perhaps and the whole cycle begins again?

We have trusted each other with everything. Almost everything I own was either bought with her or a gift from her.

I just can't stand how cold she is being right now. Sounds like a COMPLETELY different person from day to day. I know she is also talking to no one about all this as she has told me and I believe her from what I know about her. She feels no one should know her private business.

I know I hurt her and take full responsibility. But I feel like the things I have been planning for the past 7 years went away. She told me a few months ago that she was doing new things (like going to concerts) because she was feeling unhappy. I asked her what I can do to change it and she said it wasn't anything with me. This last time, she all of a sudden said she realized it was me and basically is blaming me (from her tone) for everything. She doesn't even realize her emotional issues (many of them) were there for a long time before. But I can't help it. I love her. And I'm dying inside.

Let me add that she keeps saying she feels the whole thing is tainted and she can't get those thoughts out of her head.

She is going to be cold and distant at times, so expect it. She'll be warm to you one day and cold the next. Let her do the contacting, when shes ready, she'll let you know where you stand.

Avoid the topic of us for now, until she brings it up. Take care of yourself and you start doing new things. Break up the old routine you had, and just get out and make yourself happy. She'll come around when her interest level in you is back up. Right now it seems shes searching for anything to make her happy.

It almost seems like the same problem I had with my girl. Anything you say to her about the relationship, about how you changed, will just bounce off of her and she won't absorb it. She's not ready to hear it, nor wants to deal with it. Give her some time and make her want to be with you and curious of what you been up too by backing off.

Well friend, this is going to be hard. Dealing with these kinds of situations are the hardest thing i've ever had to do. Just understand that seeing her or talking to her is a bad thing you could do at this time. She needs time to figure out her emotions and she won't be able to figure anything out with you in the picture. You can't be around right now to console her and let her know you'll be there no matter what or she won't be forced to go through the process and make up her own mind. Go into strict No Contact and keep yourself busy with your things. And you have to start talking to other girls. Nothing serious if you don't want, but you need the casual conversation at least to take the pressure off the situation. Then if she decides to give it another try, you will be in a better position to deal with the situation. If not, stick to the NC and let the situation be.

Sorry about the pain that you feel. I can definitly relate to this. There's nothing more that you can do, then to just give her the space that she wants. Maybe she'll come back around, but I would not wait forever on that. It's good that you are seeking help. It will take time to heal, but you will be okay. Best of luck to you.

I wish my ex would read your post and think of me, of coarse I was way worst to my ex. I abused her in our relationship, and I thought because it only happened in extreme situations, and only once every 4-8 months that it was nothing to worry about WRONG!

I know how you feel though, I get to feel even worse because I actually hit the the only person I have ever really loved, the only girl I have made love to. It is really hard for me now because my self esteen has taken a big hit, I think that no one will ever go out with me again, and that I was lucky to have even gotten my ex.

Are you married? after 8 years you should be seriously thinking about it, that is one thing that women will not tolerate, if she is talking about marriage, so should you be!

But as for now, I agree with everyone else, just let her be for a while, I know this is hard, believe me! I am so tempted to phone, email, stop by, send flowers, send a ring, do anything to even see my ex for one second. But she doesn't want that so I am trying to repect her wishes, it is hard and you will probably screw up lots of times, as I have, she may also claim that you are trying to contact her, driving by her house, etc. Make sure you have someone there that can vouch that you have not done any of these things, women tend to get crazy about the whole stalker thing, even though you have been in this long term relationship, you are expecte d to just get over it and never see that person again. When they stalk us, it is perfectly fine!

Sorry, going into a rant again, so to sum up, give her time, don't contact her, at least not for a while, maybe if you have someone that you know that can talk to her, or someone you know is around her a lot, you can ask them to tell you when she is doing better, then maybe you can try and contact her.

Good luck, I hope you can sort this out.

I suggest you buy or read some books on controlling people. Or on anger management. The root cause too why you said the things you did is crucial for you to know. It isnt because you love her so much, sounds like maybe you love yourself less.

I maybe wrong, but i have been in simialr situation, i said some harsh harsh things to my ex wife, and i dont think i will ever get another opportunity to straighten things out.

I hope you gain control of your emotions, i keep thinking if i loved her so much why did i treat her the way i did?? Lack of relationship skills, lack of self control?? A lack of self respect? self love?

anyway best of luck, i hope eveything works out.

Give her some space, dont call her or pressure her on anything, It is a pivotal point your ex made with you, coming to the decision to break it off. Being tired of the arguing the harsh statements, man if you want her back, a change is needed big time, and i am not talking no tricks, or manipulation. If you done or said something to hurt her repeatedly when together, if giving a chance to get back together, you can never never say anthing like that again. It will be hard. She'll know when your lying, and almost waiting for that other foot to drop.

Take care of you now. Pay attention to your thoughts and your emotions. ANd do not contact her at all, until you are sure you wont blow up on her again.

Thanks people for the feedback.

Here are some more things to add: I never hit her but I get so mad sometimes that I appear like I can and will. I take full responsibility for this and I am going to start therapy for it this week.

I love this girl so much. I never meant to hurt her. But when someone I care about deeply does anything that I take as mean, whether on purpose or not, I get bad. This is what I am gonna try and work on.

As of now, it's bad. She is very cold to me.

Ironically, when she would do something that hurt me and I would break it off, she would do anything (1000 phone calls, unexpected visits etc) to get me back. I always gave in eventually because I still love her. It's just hard that I can't get this chance when I take responsibility and want to get help. My entire life has been centered around her. People say get rid of stuff that reminds. That would be EVERYTHING I OWN.

Today, I went to a friend's (not a best friends) house to try to not be home alone. When I saw him with his wife and daughter, I had to leave because I was gonna cry. This is what I wanted to do with her and what we talked about always.

There is so much more backstory to this that I don't think I can just step away. I'm lying when I say she doesn't speak to anyone about this stuff. She does not trust anyone and feels like everyone will betray her. He closest friends and others have done it to heh throughout her life. The only people who haven't betrayed her are her parents and herself. She does not speak to her parents about her feelings because that is just not how they are. They love each other and spend tons of time together but it's not a sharing heartfelt feelings type. So she only trusts herself with stuff. Many many insecurites which I am ashamed to admit I used against her when I was real upset. I never meant to but it's just my emotion does not let me think straight when that happens. This is why I am getting help for it. I think she needs help too but when you go near that subject with her, she gets very defensive and goes into denial. It is just so hard to break through but I have to keep trying because I love her so much.

Any advice on how to break through? It's very very difficult.

she wont just sit down and have a real serious talk with you?? not as bf/gf but just as two people who know eachother?

I'm with the last poster. It would be nice if she agreed to sit down and have a chat with you about things, even if it's just to clarify matters that you're obviously guilty and confused about. Even if she did though, would it help?

You seem to have hurt her quite a bit, as you keep mentioning it. There is only a certain amount of pain that a person can take before their heart says "no more", even if you have no intention of ever doing it again (which you know is true, but you've said yourself, can't control).

If you have a tendency to be somewhat abusive when you are upset, you should concentrate on fixing that within yourself. It seems like the reason that she left was because she couldn't trust you to respect her and not hurt her. In order to build up that trust (which you may have to accept as an impossibiity), you're going to have to work to prove it. She's heard your words before, which is why they're not doing much good now. Get yourself to therapy, share your experiences with her, and go from there. You should actually want to change long-term, otherwise she's right about the same circle of behaviour. If you want to change the dynamic of your relationships, YOU have to change.

Good luck.

We had an ok conversation today. It was towards a positive level. Not positive as in she is giving me a chance or anything but positive in that there was honesty and I opened up to her about things I NEVER could say before. Plus, there was no coldness or meanness.

I guess I need to concentrate one day at a time. I love her more than anything and always will.

Went to the therapist today. I wrote a short update here

Do any of you think i am doing the right thing? I feel she has every right to be angry and to be fed up with how I hurt her but I felt like it was just all my pain that made me mean. I never wanted to and already started to see a therapist today because I don't want that to happen again. But my heart hurts so bad (unable to function) that I can't just let it go.