Your comments/opinions welcome

Am I a complete spoon?

I'm 31, he's 37. He's divorced. We've been together 7 years, living together for the last 4½ years.

When we bought our house he'd just finished a lengthy battle with his ex-wife concerning the deeds of their house, so he wouldn't entertain a joint mortgage and instisted the new house was his outright. I accepted his reasons and understood.

If I try to bring up the subject of marriage he closes up and either won't discuss it, or flips off a quick "sure we've no money at the moment but I'm sure we'll get around to it one day"...

After 7 years I'm getting kind of fed up with relatives and friends fussing over my ring finger and exclaiming to the high heavens when they see it is not sporting a ring. After 7 yrs I'm beginning to feel we are in a rut, and going nowhere fast. After 7 years I think I'd like marriage to have at least been discussed in a sensible fashion at some point in all that time.

Its a little girl thing isn't it? When you're little you dream of your wedding day, and his attitude is that he's done it once already and can't be bothered to go trough all the 'palaver' again...

His argument is that it is a piece of paper, an expensive day out and changes nothing, but without being morbid that's not exactly true. Without intentionally wanting to be morbid, in this country unless you're married you're mud. If, god forbid, he was ever involved in an accident I'd be out on my ear, as the unmarried 'partner' means nothing in the eyes of the law here. I've tried discussing his will with him, but he thinks I'm being morbid. At the moment his will goes out to the 'next of kin' which in law is his parents. My will is made over to him and my family. My mother insists that if he can't commit to me in marriage then he should at least show that I am a serious member of his life, and something like changing his will should be a given. He just says, "yes you're right, i'll get around to it one day"

Christ that makes me sound like a moneygrabber....and that isn't my intention, nor is it what I am, but you do have to look at the practical side of the law concerning unmarried couples in this country (Ireland). I love this guy with all my heart and soul, I'd do anything for him, I'd give up anything for him, I *DID* give up everything for him (when he got a job in this country I gave up my friends and family and emmigrated with him, I didn't even have to think about it), in my own small way I worship the ground he walks on, he's gentle, loving, kind, intelligent, amusing, caring, he puts up with my silly ways, I don't deserve him...but I want to marry him. I want to be his wife. I want to be Mrs. X. I want to seal this forever....but he's just not fussed...and won't discuss it in any meaningful way.

reading other forums of a similar vein to this one, I read that someone like me (living with for 7 yrs and no sign of a wedding) is a mug, a doormat, needs to co on to myself, pack up and walk out. I'm told "why buy the cow if the milk is coming for free", I'm told he'l never change and the relationship will never progress....and I'm afraid they may well be right....but I couldn't conceive of ending this relationship, he's my soulmate, he's my rock and my life would end!

But we have another growing gripe on children. We have none. We would both like to have children (in or out of wedlock), and we have discussed this at length in the past but can't seem to discuss this well at the moment, but then I'm told we're not ready. We haven't the money. The time isn't right. And 'maybe in the future'....that's all well and good, but I'm 31 already...and I don't really fancy having a toddler to look after in my 40s...

Incredibly glad to have found this forum, and apologise for pouring all my woes out...I can't tell how good it feels to have aired all this. I don't care if I get any replies, just so relieved to have unburdened myself. You see I've never really settled in this country, I'm only here because of him, and I've found it difficult to find good friends.....I miss not having mates to share a cup of tea with while we put the world to rights, I miss not being able to call a mate when I need a chat. And odd thought it might sound, it almost easier to pour it all out to an anonymous forum. I dropped my world for him when I moved to this country, but I don't feel there's been an equal show of committment from him...

Well, I guess I am going to agree with many other people who have given you advice and say 7 years is MORE than enough time to know whether you want to marry someone or not, and as obviously right now he is a "not" and does not seem to have any plans on changing that, you need to decide for you whether that is acceptable or not. If you stay with him now, it must be with understanding you will probably NEVER be married to him, or if he does, it sounds like it would be more out of guilt and pressure than actually wanting to at this point. At 7 years along, you SHOULD be AT least able to have a discussion about it without him brushing you off.

Would YOU be okay having children out of wedlock? Do you honestly think he will ever really WANT to have children, or does he say so in order to keep you around? Just like it sounds like he puts of talking of marriage...Would YOU be okay remaining unmarried? I am concerned he would not even put your name on the house...yes obviously it was a battle with his ex-wife but that to me just indicates he expects he will be going through the same thing all over again..meaning he is not thinking in terms of you being there forever. If he really was scared of that, but wanted to marry you, there are pre-nups.

The only case you would be a doormat is if you remain hoping he is going to suddenly change his mind about marriage, while denying yourself what you want...settling for someone else's goals for the relationship while denying your own.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married, nothing wrong with NOT wanting to get married. But there is a problem if both partners want something different! To you it is more than a piece of paper obviously, there are legal reasons too, but also marriage is a formal announcement of your commitment. More than that, the wedding itself does not need to be expensive in the least, it sounds like he has many reasons NOT to do it, but not many TO do it in his mind.

Another issue...the will. After 7 years if he cannot even include you in his will?......yet he is taken care of in yours? A red flag to me.

Honestly, I think you REALLY need to determine what YOU want. It does not sound like he is going to marry you anytime soon, or even have kids. If you left him today, and he came running after you with a ring, would you ever even honestly felt like he MEANT it? Shouldn't you KNOW that someone wants to marry you, not have to be "forced" too?

If your relationship goals are incompatible, I think you really need to consider leaving - won't this ALWAYS be something that hurts you/bothers you now? Can you really foresee denying yourself children for another 5, 10, forever years in order to stay with him?

Love is not always enough, we also need to share similar goals and values with one another too...and you DESERVE to feel absolutely wanted in his future too.

Anyone who claims "it's just a piece of paper" is someone who doesn't want to get married. That "piece of paper" makes a world of difference in how you are treated legally and in many cases how you are treated socially.

I've lived with 3 different bf's over the last 20 years. Been married for the last 3 years. There is a HUGE difference between the two...emotionally, socially and financially.

There's nothing that says you have to have a big ol' shindig when you get married. We didn't. So, that argument about "no money" and so forth is just another excuse.

The guy doesn't want to get married. You do. Like RayKay said, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married OR wanting to get married in of itself....the problem is when you're in a situation like this where your partner's relationship goals do not match your own.

I dated/lived with a guy for 2 years. I was ready to get married & build a life with him. He did a lot of the things your guy's doing...saying we'd talk about it later, saying the thing with the wills was a good idea, but not doing anything. I had him in my will as the go-to person if I was incapacitated. I broke off my relationship with my parents and as a single person, if something were to happen to me, they'd be in line to decide what to do and they were the last people I wanted making decisions for me, so I had the will, power of attorney, living will, etc...giving my ex everything....

Long story short, I caught him cheating. Seems he never even made the basic decision between being in a relationship or dating around. Yet, he was the one pushing for me to move in with him and so on. While I didn't move to a different country like you did, I did move 50 miles to another state and gave up everything but my job to be with him.

I thought there was a future with him. I thought wrong.

Now, compare that with my husband who tells me that within 5 minutes of meeting me f2f, he KNEW he had to be with me, and a week after our first date proposed with a ring he had shopped for and purchased 3 days after that first date.

There's not really anyway to reach a compromise when one partner wants to get married and the other doesn't. You can only decide for yourself how important it is to you. Is it important enough to leave? Would you really want to have children out of wedlock? If he's dragging his feet even including you in his will, how's he going to handle making provisions for children?

It's just as well the house is in his name only. Generally speaking, it's not a good idea to purchase property with someone you are not married to or blood-related to. I've heard many financial advisors/experts caution people against buying real estate with a bf/gf. I've seen a couple situations where non-married couples buy a house together then split up later and it just creates a lot of mess and hassle.

Anyway, what I'm seeing in your post is that you want to get married and have children, and he doesn't want to get married (he hasn't come out and said it, but his actions are basically screaming that) and he seems to have that same "someday" attitude toward children, too. As I said before, these are not issues you can compromise on. You don't sound too happy not having these things you want and that's understandable.

The ball is in your court. Can you give up your desire for marriage/children in order to stay with this guy or do you give up this guy in order to be single and available to find a guy who wants marriage & children with you? You're the only one who can answer that question.

Finally, don't be too hard on yourself. I myself wasn't terribly marriage minded til my late 30's. Point is, people change over time. When you got together, you may have wanted the same things. Now you're finding out you no longer want the same things. It happens. Your point of power is in the present moment....now that you are becoming aware of the mis-matched goals/expectations, what are you going to do about it?

Oh, and one other thing...when I left the cheating ex-bf, I honestly believed I would NEVER find another person who I was as compatible with, wanted to marry, and all the rest.

I'm quite happy to admit I was wrong. My husband and I are as close to perfectly matched as two people can get. If you would've told me 10 years ago that someone like him existed, I would've asked you what romance novels you'd been reading and told you to get in the real world.

I agree with the others. It is fair enough if he does not want to marry, fair enough if you do.

What is not f air is for either partner to mislead the other. If you had said "I don't care about marriage either" and then changed your mind that is hardly fair. Similarly, if he misled you into thinking marriage may be on the cards that is also unfair.

Separate out marriage from financial security. Ask him to sit down with you and review your financial situation now and what would happen if disaster strikes. Not just death, but disability. There is no reason you should be destitute in either case. Of particular importune is the house. - if you are contributing towards it - then you should share in it's financial security.

Once you are happy with the finances and so is he, it may be that any concerns he has about the financial implications of marriage may be allayed and he might be more open to the idea. Or you may be relieved of the worry of financial concerns and no longer worry about marriage as such.

If you can't get agreement on these issues then the sooner you make up your mind what you want and will settle for the sooner you can get on with your life one way or the other.

Oh, and one other thing...when I left the cheating ex-bf, I honestly believed I would NEVER find another person who I was as compatible with, wanted to marry, and all the rest.

 

I'm quite happy to admit I was wrong. My husband and I are as close to perfectly matched as two people can get. If you would've told me 10 years ago that someone like him existed, I would've asked you what romance novels you'd been reading and told you to get in the real world.

That is a good point S2S.

Often when we are in a relationship that is not satisfying us, or fulfilling our needs, we learn to "settle" for less or accept it as "normal" because we convince ourselves this is "our last chance" or this is the way it is for EVERYONE, which is so very far from the truth!

Until you do move on though, you are denying yourself that opportunity to discover that real love, complete with shared goals and desires, can all happen with someone, and does not need to be "forced" to happen.

wow 7years...I gave my ex boyfriend the flick because he was waffling at 15months.Not about marriage...but he didnt know where he wanted to head as he already had a bust up and a small child. I just realised it didnt matter what love was there...I knew what i wanted and where i wanted to head and at 33 was not willing to spend years with someone who had no idea what he wanted. I decided that it was best for him to be let go so he can find out and best for me to be free and available for someone more on the same page.Not easy as it sounds, but Im glad now.