Ex-G/F, No-Contact Questions, and Advice Needed in a BIG Way

Hi everyone, and thanks for reading my post. This is my first time here, although I have been "lurking" around and reading the advice/answers people give out. I have learned alot from all of the posts I have read, so thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences.

I would like to share my own Lifetime story, and would greatly appreciate any input from anyone out there. Thank you in advance!

1st, Some Background information on myself:

I am a 29 yr old, professional, feminine gay woman. I have been out since I was 18, good family who is accepting of me, master's degree, very independent, have my own place, lots of good friends, and consider myself to have strong morals and values. I love my career and live by the rules of loyalty, honesty, and learning from mistakes. I have it all figured out, it seems, with the exception of my personal relationships!!

I have had the WORST luck with women since I started dating. I am not bi, never married, never cheated, gay all the way. However, because I am tall and very feminine, no one ever suspects Im a lesbian. I had one LTR in college which mutually ended, no drama, and since then, it has been a harrowing experience. Now, I will get to that part!

About 3 yrs ago, I ended an emotionally/physically relationship with a psycho chick. As I was starting to pick up the pieces of my life and move on, I met this woman that I will call "Jen". We knew mutual people. We hit it off right away as friends. She was in a LTR with her own "psycho" at the time, but I became friendly w/both of them. Her g/f that she was with was nice enough, but had cheated on her for 9 of the 9 yrs they were together. I never involved myself in their stuff, I dont like drama and remained neutral w/both of them, although I was closer to Jen bec. she was more down to earth and easy to talk to.

They broke up in December 2003 after her then g/f moved in w/some other chick she had been eyeing for a time. Jen was absolutely devastated, as her ex had left her several yrs back when she had a tumor. The ex had told her that she was "too young" to go through that and was entitled to more in life. Nice, huh? In early 2003, Jen was diagnosed with breast cancer (only in her late 30s then). Of course, her ex left her and was completely unsupportive. After they finally broke up, Jen and I got closer. Not even 2 months later, Jen and I, who had become nearly best friends over the past 2 yrs, became intimate one evening. It was she who made the pass. I had never thought of her in that way because I have very strong feelings about cheating, and out of principle, never have allowed myself to even "go there" with someone I know who is in a relationship. But she was out of her relationship now, and I realized I felt something for her. I prefer to go slow with things, and haven't slept around alot. I have never been with a "friend" before bec. I was too worried about the risk of losing the friendship, etc. We discussed things and decided to try to date, even though she told me she couldnt promise anything. 2 months later, she wanted to break up. I knew it was too soon, and I didnt want to be a rebound. I was with her through all of her chemotherapy, surgeries, took off work at various times to be with her in the hospital. I was there partly bec. I wanted to be and also because she asked me to be. That is the kind of thing I would do for anyone I was close with or in a rel. with. I stood by her through many emotionally trying times. She had a double mastectomy and total reconstruction of her breasts. I never judged her, still cared exactly the same way, and helped her with her SSI paperwork when she needed Short Term Disability. Her illness prevented her from working for nearly 2 yrs.

After we "broke up", Jen and I pretty much simulated what a relationship would be......one would think! She stayed with me about 85-90% of the time, as she had to sell her condo when her and her ex broke up. (She had waited 7 yrs before buying smthg with that girl because of her cheating record, only to have to sell it less than a yr later). She had lost ALOT---her independence, her health, her home, her job, etc. She had always been the type of person who had nice things, worked hard for what she had, and was very level headed.

We were intimate for 11months, despite her telling me and the world we were "just friends". We stopped being intimate last December. The past

6 months, we did not have sex, yet every night we were together we slept in the same bed! She would tell me over and over how many times she did not want me, did I know where we stood, we were just friends, she didnt want to be w/anyone, yet at night she would say to me, "Put your hand on my head", as we were going to sleep. I guess it was a comfort thing, but you dont ask your friends to do smthg like that! I never understood the mixed signals.

She has also partied alot since the 12/03 breakup at this seedy gay bar where seedy, drama filled people hang out. She has not been with anyone besides me (and I know that for 100%). And she is over 40 now. I am not much of a partier, and I never knew that she was. I think it is so she can run from everything. She brought me to her family's home nearly every weekend, and I have grown close to them. Why would you bring someone you werent with to your family?

At the end of June, my best friend from out of state came down to visit me. My friend, who has gotten to know Jen, asked her if she wanted to hang out while she was here. Jen was very cold/rude to her, and lied and said she had to go home to rest. She totally blew us off. Now, my friend gave her money last yr to help her pay a bill when she was down & out, and now she is too good for us? What it was, she wanted to go out with other friends. I was so hurt and upset, it had been building for some time, that I blew her off when she TC'd me twice the next day. She did not leave a message, and I didn't call her back. She knows Im not like that. Her aunt, who was there when Jen lied to me/my friend, had told her later why we were hurt/angry. She kind of brushed it off like, whatever, no one is gonna tell me what to do. I mean, this is a 40 yr old! What I am angry about is that she lied, and couldnt make time for us when she sees those skanky people all the time. I didnt care if she had plans, but she lied about it. But when she needs a favor, support, whatever, who has been there to help her? Me! Over the past 6 months i feel she has become totally self-centered, ungrateful, and selfish. She treats the bar people better than me, but when I have tried to talk w/her about it she says what it comes down to is you want me and i dont want you.

She should be so lucky to be with me! Ihave stood by her unconditionally, and you would think she'd have realized that after her ex left her after she got cancer!

I have not heard from her since 6/25. I sent her a letter last week, which i figured she wouldnt respond to, explaining my hurt and angry feelings as neutral as i could, and why i didnt want to talk. She is a very stoic, poker faced person who hides alot of her feelings. But, she has been through so much in the past few yrs. Her aunt has told me that over 4th of July weekend she randomly walked up to her and said, Oh she must have missed us this weekend. So her aunt asks her, Why dont you call her to come here for dinner? And she replied no. Her aunt says she has been coming home most nights after work, and has gone out on average 1x per week since this happened.

My questions would be: As hard as it has been, has this no contact policy been good? Is there a chance we will ever reconcile? Does anyone think she should call me since she was the one who lied? She has some major issues from her past relationships and all, but its time to grow up.

I miss her company and spending time together. We were together nearly every day and she always called me between 2-4 times per day, for no reason. How can you cut someone out of your life just like that? I wonder if it is a time out period///////I was there for her more than some people are there for their spouses! I am so hurt, confused, and dont know what to think. I am trying to stay busy, but my heart hurts.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and sorry it was so long!

Surely, the question you should be asking yourself is why you want to be with someone who has treated you so badly when you have treated her so well?

I really don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me. I guess I am just so confused about the whole situation. I mean, if I was used the whole time, wasn't she wasting her own time?

I was there for her because it never occurred to me not to be. But it definitely became one sided during the last 6 months. Sometimes it would have been nice to have her ask me how my day was going, etc.

Her 18yr old cousin was killed in a single car wreck (87mph in a 35 mph zone) over Memorial Day. She called me at 6am and I was there the entire week with her and her family. They rock, by the way......and they know the truth.

I miss her, but have good self control about Tc'ing. I dont know.....i am so sad. I dont understand how you can cut someone out of ur life just like that.....it's like, if I had returned the TC, we would still be talking......

Sometimes we get misled by people's intentions. There are people who are so self-absorbed that they just take and never give back. The sort of people who act as if they are starring in a movie of their life and everyone else, including you, is just a supporting actor, or even just a bit player.

These people only care about themselves and so they can cut you out of their lives without a second thought - but you don't understand how they can do that because you care about other people and their feelings.

I do care about other's feelings. I am a counselor myself (but as I always say, every good counselor needs a counselor!! just truly blows my mind since we were together every day.

She is now back working, at an even better job than before. I am proud of that comeback for her, but I am still so blown away. Do you think I was just used, or she did have feelings, or what? Any input is helpful, as I am trying to move on, while attempting to understand totally bizarre human behavior here.....

I absolutely think you were used; it often happens to people who care about others, so don't feel bad about that aspect of it - it's not your fault.

I think you should write this one off as a bad experience and try to find someone who cares about you as much as you care about her.

Don't let this change the way you help and care for people - just be a little more careful next time to whom you give your love.

anyone else have any input into this situation? any additional input or advice would be much appreciated!.................thank you.....

Do you want even the opinions that are the same as what has already been offered?

I say a big whopping "DITTO" to eveything DN has written.

The relationship sounds very one-sided and you're better off without it. Definitely time to let go, move on, and find a relationship that is more balanced.

I agree with what has been written.....it is just very hard because it is so new. I just don't understand how some people can cut someone off, out of their life, like the other person never existed. It's really painful, esp. because I saw this woman through cancer, surgeries, and chemo---the whole bit. You see people go on Oprah w/a sig. other, who they cherish even more because the person didn't leave them during a major illness......I only wanted a "thank you" or a "how was your day today?" type thing every once in awhile....She and I were friends first, so I had a history w/her, knew her very well....or so i thought... didnt realize i set low standards for myself...and i think how hard it is to meet people these days....

It is not unusual for selfish people to leave partners or friends who have helped them through hard times. They overlook the help that was given and just see that person as a constant reminder of the bad things that happened to them. It is also not unusual for selfish people to be users - they present a loving facade so long as you are useful to them but once they have no further use for you then they drop you.

Don't beat yourself up - you are not the first kind person to have been taken in by someone like this and you won't be the last.

I agree with what has been written.....it is just very hard because it is so new. I just don't understand how some people can cut someone off, out of their life, like the other person never existed. It's really painful, esp. because I saw this woman through cancer, surgeries, and chemo---the whole bit. You see people go on Oprah w/a sig. other, who they cherish even more because the person didn't leave them during a major illness......I only wanted a "thank you" or a "how was your day today?" type thing every once in awhile....She and I were friends first, so I had a history w/her, knew her very well....or so i thought... didnt realize i set low standards for myself...and i think how hard it is to meet people these days....

Mstyiyd, your reluctance to let go is understandable. In good faith you invested quite a lot emotionally in this person. We often give to others what we would like to receive, and fully expect the other person would feel at least grateful to acknowledge all the attention and care we've given. But it's also not unusual for us to find out the other person regards the whole relationship in a way that doesn't make any logical sense from our perspective. The reason you don't understand her response is because you are a completely different type of person than she is. A self-sacrificing person will never understand the behavior and motivations of a selfish one, so there's no point in trying. There's just no way to reconcile her behavior with the type of logic that exists in your own understanding. And like DN wrote, this happens all the time. And I've been there plenty of times myself, so this is very understandable to me too.

I'm very sorry for your pain about this. You've had a rude awakening and I'm sure it's not fun for you right now. When I had a similar rude awakening I tried to find some comfort in the fact that I'm not the kind of person who would ever be so insensitive and ungrateful as the other. At least you aren't the kind of selfish person who would do something like that to another person. Try to give yourself a pat on the back for being the kind of person that is caring and giving. That's genuinely worth quite a lot, to yourself, and also to others, even if she didn't value it.

And hopefully don't let this kill your caring spirit. You just might want to consider carefully how/if you will invest yourself the next time, whether that next person is worth your trouble, what your own reasons are for giving, how much of your emotional investment you're willing to risk, how you will feel if you are similarly disregarded again. After my rude awakening I stopped to make a serious re-assessment. I find that I'm still a very giving person because there's no way to change that for me, but now it's just redirected in ways that I also find more self-fulfilling. And sometimes I do allow myself to bypass some people, to say no to helping them, without feeling any guilt.

Wow, thank you Miss M, for your insight. Reading your post made me feel better. Like you, I am going to try to keep being a good person, to myself and others, because I believe that is the way to go. I wouldn't feel right trying to be someone I'm not, and I don't think I could do it well anyway!

I feel proud that I was able to support another human being as they went through 2 yrs of cancer and the painful treatments that followed. I learned a lot of things that many people my age normally wouldn't. It makes you more aware of your own mortality. And knock on wood, I hope I dont ever get breast cancer, but you never know----I feel like I would be in a stronger position if it ever did happen, because of my experience with Jen. I hope anyone else reading this, if they have gone through a similar experience, also remembers to keep the faith and stay strong even when you don't feel it.

And I hope that God or whatever higher power exists up there knows I was there for her because it was the right thing to do, and maybe someday if I need that kind of help/support there will be people there for me. You should never burn your bridges, because you never know if you will need those people in the future>Good friends and good partners are quite hard to find.......