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really screwed up relationship problem here, help!


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Hello everyone,

I'm new to this forum because I have a question which I sort of couldn't ask someone face to face, I've looked at lots of forums about this topic and because I've found the most respect, compassion and intelligent answers here I'm just gonna take the plunge now. Okay…

Me and my gf have had a relationship for 9 years now, with lots of ups and downs we've both gotten over and a wonderful daughter who's been around for 4 years now.

The trouble is, quite simply, that we have not had sex since she's around. I know that at the beginning this had a lot to do with the fact that I wasn't very stable, emotionally. I was in a lot of stress, had just finished college and had to fight for every penny of income as a freelancer, plus we had no family and very little friends to help us out then. So I was very often quite a grump, strung out and tired. And, of course, so was my gf.

The thing is though, for over two years now, I have been extremely sucessful jobwise, so much in fact that my gf's been able to continue her studies. Everyone who's closer aquainted with me says I'm much better balanced, especially since I've taken up a martial arts form and regular work-outs to get back in shape and gain emotional balance. I have done all this for the sole purpose of regaining her affection, along, of course, with the sex that comes along with it. We used to have fantastic, kinky sex but now all I get to do in bed is massage her to sleep. She insists that she still loves me, and I'd like to believe that, but quite frankly I don't know.

I really don't know what to do! I love her a lot but I do not think I'm going to endure this a lot longer. Cheating on her is not an option I am willing to consider, which means I'd have to break up with her and in consequence wreck my family.

Sorry for all this text, I hope I haven't bored anybody. I'll get to my questions now, okay?

1. Has anyone reading this been in a similar situation and come out of it and if so, how?

2. Is it possible to love somebody and not want to have sex with them? (I mean, I could imagine wanting to have sex with someone I don't necessarily love, but not wanting to have sex with someone I love? (save my daughter of course, but that's different anyhow) I don't think so… But then I'm a guy…

I'm really fxxked up here, and would appreciate any kind of advice. Thanks!

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Hello fluke,

 

My initial reaction is the exact same as DN. I notice that you don't say what she says is the reason for the absense of sex. Have the two of you discussed this together? Do you have any feedback from her about what she says is the reason from her perspective?

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My question is the same as the others. What has she told you as far as reasons for her lack of desire?

 

When you talk to her about this try saying something like " What could we do together to change this?" then listen to her suggestions. Hopefully she can tell you exactly what needs to be done.

 

You're a team and you need to work on this as a team. No blaming or hurting each other...and please never ever say anything to her about cheating or breaking up. Try any and all options before considering leaving.

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