Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Is it time to throw in the towel

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Waipahu, HI
    Age
    56
    Posts
    8

    Is it time to throw in the towel

    My husband and I have been together for 11 years but only married for the last 6 yrs.

    We met through our work while talking on the telephone -- we clicked. The whole time we dated we would have wonderful conversations and we both truly enjoyed each others company.

    We finally got married, although I had serious cold feet not once, not twice but three times. I finally got over my fear of losing my independence and got married.

    Things really started to change once those papers were signed.

    He became controlling -- of not just the finances but over our social life too. Friends of mine, that he didn't like, were soon disappearing like flies due to my husband's attitude towards them.

    The wonderful conversation slowly started to fade -- he would rather watch tv now than carry on a conversation with me.

    He's always been verbally abusive towards his mother and brother. The only person he would take direction from was his father. He is a carbon copy of his father and I know for a fact that his mother had gone thru what I am experiencing right now.

    About a year ago he start becoming verbally abusive towards me. I just held my tongue not wanting to upset him more.

    When he was in a good mood, I brought up the verbally abusiveness. I was politely rebuffed with -- I don't hit you. I told him that maybe we needed to speak with a professional to help our relationship and his temper. His response -- nothing is wrong with his temper and if I just listened to him we wouldn't have any problems.

    His father passed away at the beginning of May. My husband was so close to him. The verbal abusiveness died down for a while but now it is back with a vengence to my mother-in-law, brother-in-law and to myself.

    A few weeks ago I talked to him again and he was just as unresponsive as before. He did make an attempt to control himself but this evening he couldn't help himself and started swearing at me again.

    I'm so tired -- He just lost his dad and I do love him. I don't want him to feel any more pain. But I look at my mother-in-law and don't want to grow old with this man and have to been belittled every day until I die.

    I don't know what to do -- should I throw in the towel and just say good bye?

    If anyone has an insight, please let me know.

    Mahalo!

  2. #2
    Gold Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    1,063
    I dont have words that might help your marrige. I just know you cant live like that for the rest of your life. I know how much it hurts! Its such a hard situation, and infact i think its worse that he verbally abuses you! I hope the best for you!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member shes2smart's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Shrine of Seven Stars
    Age
    55
    Posts
    6,497
    Gender
    Female
    If he won't go to counseling with you, go to counseling by yourself. Therapy is a great tool for sorting out a situation and figuring out what you need to do. You might want to find someone who specializes in brief, results-oriented therapy.

    We cannot make someone else change. We can only control the space within our own skin.

    You are still the independent woman you once were. If you decide it is in your best interest to leave -- whether it be a temporary separation or a permanent one -- you will be fine. You know where you DON'T want to end up (i.e. - like your mother-in-law), now you need to figure out where you DO want to end up. Therapy is good for that, too.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Shadows Light's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Posts
    2,473
    Gender
    Female
    Go to counseling yourself. Talking to a proffesional can help you sort it all out. And yes, sometimes you may already know the answer and its a hard hard thing to face up to.

    You can not change him. You can only change yourself.

    Sure he doesn't hit you. But he mentally hits you with his words, which can be so much worse. Those scars last longer.

    Yeah... I got it to with the, "If you just listened to me, everything would be just fine." swinging the problems back onto my shoulders. The swearing and name calling..."well they are just words." and I'd get the old... "its just words, sticks and stones... why are you so sensitive?" So that I would start thinking its all my fault.

    And yes, you find yourself receding into your shell because you don't want to make them angry. You tip toe. Until you can tip toe no longer.

    Go and talk to a counselor. It does help. And get yourself a back-bone... you will need it. Yes, I hear you... you love him and this is hurting you. Been there, done that. But there comes a time when you have to love yourself more and stand-up for yourself and what you believe in. If you find his behaviour unacceptable to you...then it is UNACCEPTABLE.

    When he starts swearing. But your hands up...palms out at him and loudly say..."STOP" and walk away. When he cuts you down... tell him its not TRUE...and to CUT IT OUT.

    There's a book you might find on Amazon called the "Verbally Abusive Relationship" By Patricia Evans. Really good book and defines the breadth and scope of Verbal abuse. Give insight into how people may become this way and how we become the victims.

    I always said that, you wouldn't put up with this type of treatment from anyone else. Best friends would never treat each other this way... so what gives our significant others the right to treat us this way. Your spouse is supposed to be your best friend and so much more.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member brando's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    South Of No North
    Age
    50
    Posts
    1,568
    Gender
    Male
    Another great book is Why Does He do That? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Waipahu, HI
    Age
    56
    Posts
    8
    Originally Posted by Shadows Light
    I always said that, you wouldn't put up with this type of treatment from anyone else. Best friends would never treat each other this way... so what gives our significant others the right to treat us this way. Your spouse is supposed to be your best friend and so much more.

    Thank you all for the quick response -- I guess I've know all along what I need to do but your responses have been very helpful.

    Since it's Saturday, I guess there is no better day to have this discussion. At least it will give one of us time to pack.

    Thank you again!

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Waipahu, HI
    Age
    56
    Posts
    8
    Just wanted to provide an update.

    Because I was so chicken about a face to face confrontation - I wrote him a letter.

    He didn't bother reading the whole thing...he read just the first two sentences and broke down crying.

    Everything that he was holding in came pouring out like a dam had burst. I held him in my arms and he just cried and talked for hours.

    He said he didn't realize how hurt I was until it was in black & white in front of his face.

    He made the appointment for our first counseling session and it's tomorrow.

    I think we are going to make it!

    Now if I could just get him to get rid of those pictures of his ex-girlfriend then things would be perfect .... but that's another story. lol

    Thank you!

  9. #8
    Gold Member arwen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    The Netherlands
    Age
    39
    Posts
    5,914
    Gender
    Female
    Hey lemonbar!

    That does sound like good news!!! I think many people here would be interested in the way this continues, and how therapy can help couples to grow back together.

    Maybe you can address the picture issue when he opens himself up about the therapy or when you are IN therapy.

    Take care,

    Ilse.


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •