Recently married

I recently got married (about 2 months ago). We had a reception this last month as we were married in Hawaii. So, we were incredibly busy this last couple of months. My fiancee's family were in town for a week and a half and there was planning, etc.

My work schedule has been murder lately (80+ hour weeks) and usually is this time of year for a month.

Now, everything in our marriage feels great and is going great, or so I thought. Last night my wife start talking to me about some feelings she is having in which she feels negelected and she reeled off a couple of other things. What she would do is reel off, in a nice tone, a lot of things in a row that make me feel like I am lacking or not making her happy. I told her that I have had no indication of anything wrong and what I could do to make things better. She couldn't come up with anything, just that she felt this way and she said that she probably shouldn't even be telling me.

Now, she owns a horse that she spends a lot of time with. ANd I have no problem with that. But because of this, she won't get home until 8:30 or 9:00 and spends afternoons there on the weekends. Now, at one point I made an effort to go out there with her and stand around for 4 or 5 hours to make time with her. However, this gets incredibly boring for me and I could be doing stuff around the house, getting caught up, etc. And, its like when I am with her there, she is concentrating on the horse, so I essentially am just a helper with some things. I asked her last night how she would feel if she was coming to something of mine that often that she had no interrest in. This all made her cry because she knows it is taking up time. Sometimes, I told her, It feels like her horse comes before I do in a lot of things.

Anyways, last night, she started to reel off nicely how inadequate I am in some areas and I ended up taking it a little personally. I would try to ask what I could do to change the issue, or make it better and she had no constructive criticism, just criticism. Am I wrong to get defensive about that? I try not to get sucked into a finger pointing issue, but when you are being framed as someone who is not making the wife happy, it hurts. Especially when she has done some of the same things to me and I got over them long ago. IT just seems that a lot of the things that she was blaming me for, root from the fact taht we don't get enough time together and a lot of that is because of the time she spends with her horse. Now, I have learned to deal with that, but now I am getting blamed for something that is not even in my control.

It is very confusing as I saw none of this on the horizon.

Any comments are welcome and appreciated.

Do you think part of it could be because you are working so much? Obviously that's not your fault, but once that starts to calm down, maybe there will be more time.

How about asking her to do something over the weekend? Maybe you have tried that, but whether it's sit together and watch movies all evening, or go out to eat. Just plan something special for one evening. If she says that she is going to spend time with her horse, then tell her that she doesn't have a right to be complaining about you not spending time with her when she won't make efforts to make time either.

Maybe her expectations are too high? You did just get married, so maybe she feels like you should be spending lots of time together. However, it's not your fault you have to work so much and she needs to be trying to make an effort as well. Although horses take a lot of care and time, I would hope she would rather spend more quality time with you.

Just talk to her about this. Try not to argue though, that might just make it worse. Try to see if there's an evening where it can just be the two of you. Maybe tell her that you care about her feelings, so you really want to know how you can improve with this.

See, that is part of what bothered me a bit. I am the type who can enjoy just doing nothing together (or doing a movie, or dinner, or anything really). She is the type of person who has to have a mission or has to stay busy. I did actually offer that we should go out this Saturday for a movie and dinner and have perhaps Sunday to just do fun things together, not busy stuff like shopping, or dealing with her horse.

Its just frustrating that she is saying she is not feeling loved because we don't spend enough time together, yet, even with working the hours I do, I still get home before she does, by about an hour.

So she spends every evening and every weekend afternoon with her horse - and you are not making enough time for her?

Does she have a wristwatch?

Perhaps you should log how much time she spends on her stuff and how much you spend on yours to underscore the discrepancy. I understand that you don't want to fingerpoint but she sounds very unreasonable about this.

And if she has a litany of complaints about you a mere two months after the wedding then the prospect of a happy and equal marriage seems remote. Why did dhe marry you if she was so dissatisfied?

Time for a talk - and one in which you get to make your point of view known as well as her.

Sounds to me like she is saving these things up and letting them fester before getting it all out. That's not fair to either of you.

You two need to communicate more effectively. Talk to her about it every day, and be frank with her. Getting married and sharing your life with another person is a very stressful event, and takes a LOT of adjustment. Small things become big things if you don't talk about them.

Ask her what is up with the time she spends with her horse. It's a good thing that you told her that your don't find it terribly exciting to go to the barn with her.

I think its more like you are spending your time on something responsible (making money to support the two of you) and she is spending time on something recreational (long afternoons with Mr. Ed).

I think you need to gently remind her that you are working your butt off for the two of you, and shes out playing around with Secratariat. Its called priorities, and yours are focused on being a good provider for her family, while hers is simply recreational.

Now, if you can cut back on the hours a little bit (if your money situation is good) to spend time with her (and not time with the horse) I think that would solve your situation quite nicely. You are in a new marriage, and marriages, like everything else in life, require a lot of sacrifice and dedication to work.

I'd also tell her that constructive criticism concerning you is appreciated, but if she wants to complain without resolving anything she should seek a psychologist.

I don't think her having a hobby which takes up a lot of time means that she doesn't want the time she does have to be spent with you. It just means that she is maybe being a bit inconsiderate or demanding. This is something you can work through and doesn't spell doom and gloom for your marriage at all.

The first year of marriage is the hardest and is the time when you are adjusting to each other and trying to come up with expectations of what is reasonable. You should expect to disagree at this time!! About everything to how you spend your time to how often you have sex. All it means is you guys need to talk a lot (argue if you have to too) and be open with each other about how you are feeling. There is no right or wrong, just how you both feel.

If you feel she spends too much time with the horse, tell her that and maybe she feels you spend too much time working- talk it out and compromise. Don't be at all surprised if it feels like you disagree or can't 'get each other'. I remember these feelings well from my first year of marriage and I can promise you with adjustment and compromise it does get easier.

Re. you hanging around with her and the horse, I think you should continue to make the effort and ask that she do the same with you (e.g. spend time doing stuff you like). If you have limited time, taking an interest in each others hobbies is going to be important and who knows you might end up liking the horse more than she does!!

Good luck

JZ

I took a little time to read some of your previous posts - and there does seem to be a pattern of her being a little selfish in this relationship and somehow turning it around so you are the one in the wrong.

Do you know why her first marriage broke up?