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Thread: I love my wife but....

  1. #1
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    I love my wife but....

    I love my wife so much. I have hurt her in the past, I had this macho attitude and said some mean stuff to her, even at the time I would think to myself " what in the world are you doing, this is stupid". So time has gone by and I have realized that she is the one and only woman in my life and could'nt imagine being without her. I start telling her that she is the most beautiful thing in my life and is so special to me. I tell her that even the smell of her gives me butterflies again like when we first met, we have been married for 13 yrs. She is having a hard time trusting me, and I know she feels like I'm crowding her because I dont want to ever hold anything back from her anymore. I am desperatly wanting her to treat me like before, she says she loves me and it means alot, I don't know. Does anyone have any advice at all for me in this situation? I have no friends to talk to about this and need help.

  2. #2
    Bronze Member princess81's Avatar
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    It is good that you are changing for the better but you also have to realize that some of the damage has already been done, dont give up it will take sometime and some hard work from your part but I believe that in the end she will come around. Good luck hope I was of some help.

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    I don't think I have advice avaliable for you, but I know a book that handles exact what you want. The book is made by a respectable author who walking her talk and eventually lead to a New York Best Sellers

    It's called "light her fire" Ellen Kreidman. It's published in 1993, I've had the luck to get into the material through a version in another language and thought it's got a lot of great advice.

    Check into it

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    Gold Member smallworld's Avatar
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    This is a problem a lot of couples have. I think the solution starts with a change in attitude, thinking more in terms of "we" (and what's in our best interests) vs. approaching your wife as if she's an adversary when you're having a disagreement.

    Lots of useful info here:
    link removed

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    Interesting website. How was the online course with the audio CDs?

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    Platinum Member Shadows Light's Avatar
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    Well good for you... you've come a long way. Change is a difficult thing to make and to hang onto. If you're wife is leary of you ...then give her time to get used to the "New and Improved You"....

    Unfortunately... here's the skinny. She may forgive but she'll never forget. Most people don't. What you were 14 years ago...can't be. You are only "NEW" once. However............ your saving grace is that you do have lots of good memories together. And you can build more good memories together.

    Its a good thing. 14 years ago... you'll never get back. The here and now... different story. Have patience and lead by example. If you stick with smothing long enough it becomes habit.... like your bad habit of having a bad attitude and saying mean things to her.

    Be patient. Be romantic. Be kind. Be gentle. Be consisant and stick with this NEW YOU....

    Read up my friend and keep learning.

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    Platinum Member brando's Avatar
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    If you have apologized to her, and admitted to her your wrong doings, and were sincere, then that is about all you can do for now. The thing is now that you ralized how you mistreated her, you can nver mistreat her again.

    If she feels she cant trust you, then i would have to say this is her problem, not yours. Forgive and forget, they go hand in hand, one cannot forgive without forgetting, sorry i just dont see it working any other way. By forgetting i dont imply pretending it didnt happen, or writing it off as an insignificant event, but if she says she forgives you but cant forget, then your relationship is doomed.

    I read once that understanding why you treated her the way you did is having awareness, and if she is still bitter, or is having a hard time trusting you, then at this point you need to show some compassion towards her for not seeing it in a different light.

    It appears aplogoies are worhtless these days, especially in marriages. It is either perfect, close to perfect, or it is over. People would rather hold on to the hurt, or the memory of the hurtful things and end a marriage then to accept a partners apology , forgive and forget, it seems their is too much personal importance involved to truly forgive and forget, rightfully so... not sure.

    For you to realize this, too admit your wrong doings to your wife is a hard step to take, it takes courage, maturity and apparently some growth on your part to come to this awakening. If your wife cannot see this, and wants to stay stuck on the hurt of the past, and it is her choice to do this, well then your marriage will surely dwindle. The other side to this is if she no longer can trust you and decides to dissolve the mariage, then you will ned to take that same awareness and accept her decision without any rebuttle on your part.
    It is a double edge sword.

    be well,

    Brando

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    Platinum Member Shadows Light's Avatar
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    Very well said Brando. Very eloquent. I still stand by that people don't forget. What I mean is they get over it and learn from it. Hopefully both parties have learned from it.

    In this day and age yes forgiveness doesn't seem to come easy. What I struggle with is the constant..."I'm sorry"... everytime you turn around its..."I'm sorry"... well, thats why we have morals, values and social conduct unspoken rules.. to make one aware. "I'm sorry" constantly doesn't cut it. We can be saying..."I'm sorry" till dooms day and that is wearing and old.

    I think you hit the nail on the head where you said that a person needs to be aware and mindful. That seems to be lacking in today's society...everyone is "ME ME ME ME ME" you don't see a lot of selflessness or mindfulness of other peoples feelings. What I see is people caring only for their own happiness and grasping for their own ESPRIT...and don't hold their partner in esteem, nor support one another and allow each other to grow and to learn.


    Gromlin33 keep learning and keep growing. You've found awareness... now find patience. Keep loving her and showing her that this "change" is a permanent change. You may be a manly man...but your also a gentle and loving soul. She'll get it. Give it time

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Shadows Light's Avatar
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    Very well said Brando. Very eloquent. I still stand by that people don't forget. What I mean is they get over it and learn from it. Hopefully both parties have learned from it.

    In this day and age yes forgiveness doesn't seem to come easy. What I struggle with is the constant..."I'm sorry"... everytime you turn around its..."I'm sorry"... well, thats why we have morals, values and social conduct unspoken rules.. to make one aware. "I'm sorry" constantly doesn't cut it. We can be saying..."I'm sorry" till dooms day and that is wearing and old.

    I think you hit the nail on the head where you said that a person needs to be aware and mindful. That seems to be lacking in today's society...everyone is "ME ME ME ME ME" you don't see a lot of selflessness or mindfulness of other peoples feelings. What I see is people caring only for their own happiness and grasping for their own ESPRIT...and don't hold their partner in esteem, nor support one another and allow each other to grow and to learn.


    Gromlin33 keep learning and keep growing. You've found awareness... now find patience. Keep loving her and showing her that this "change" is a permanent change. You may be a manly man...but your also a gentle and loving soul. She'll get it. Give it time

  11. #10
    Member OceanEyes's Avatar
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    gromlin, your story reminds me so much of my own that at first, I could have sworn that you were my boyfriend!

    When I first started dating my boyfriend (been together for 2+ years), he displayed similar traits; macho attitude, hurtful immature comments, condescending disposition, etc. Believe me, the list could go on. I suppose the only reason that I stayed with him was because I saw something else in him .. sort of though all that crap that he felt he needed pull.

    Something you have to remember, is that no matter how sorry you are, it means absolutely nothing if - even once - you revert back to your old ways. You can say "I'm sorry" until you're blue in the face, but if you don't back up your claims with consistent actions, it just won't matter. This whole issue is about trust - you probably broke some of that and it will take time to get it back.

    As princess said, sometimes there is a damage done when you treat someone badly, and even though that person still loves you (otherwise she wouldn't be with you), there's something inside of her that has already pushed you away.

    I think you're going to have to be patient in this case. Only time and continued good behaviour will really show her that you really mean what you're saying. It takes a strong man to admit that he's been wrong and try to make things better - keep it up and you'll be rewarded.

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