Wife wants divorce -- next steps

Married to the same woman "twice" for a total of 8yrs. 2 kiddos, 6 & 2

A couple of weeks ago after a heated argument my wife told me she couldn't be married to me anymore and wants a divorce. We have had our ups and downs in the last few months. Our last argument I was pretty loud and frustrated which has happened a couple of times in the last 8 to 10 months. Several factors have led her to get to this point.

She feels I have been condescending in my conversations lately...maybe I have with some of the tension between us. We have had several calm conversations since the blow up arguments and she tells me she knows there should be more to a happy marriage than what we have. She knows I don't want a divorce and that I love her dearly. She says she loves me but can't live like this anymore. During these converastions she was still pretty angry about things and told me there was one thing that I could own up to and the situation would not be as tense. So I searched my head for what she may be talking about. About 3 yrs. ago I had made phone contact with a woman while my wife was out of town and made an invitation to get together with her. The woman declined and nothing happened. I felt awful about my actions but decided not to tell my wife. (my wife knew something was up) I had no further contact with the woman. Since my wife had already told me she wanted a divorce I told her every detail about what I did and how I felt about it. (Probably solidified her decision to want the divorce) To many people this may not be a big deal but there are many reason's this is unacceptable to my wife. I have never physically cheated on my wife with the exception of the attempted hook up. She says she has lost all trust and honesty by my actions and hiding it for so long.

Another issue in the mix. A friend of mine has been staying on our property for the last year. Over this period he has spent a lot of time with my family. He and my wife have become really good friends. I never questioned their interaction until our marriage started seeing more problems. When I told her I thought their friendship was going a bit to far she got very defensive saying she doesn't have any friends where we live (she doesn't) and now I don't want her to be friends with him. She also says they can just sit and talk about things that she and I can't. Their close connection and comfort is more than "just friends" to me. I told her we could have the same connection but it will take work on both of our parts to make that happen. Living life every day fits in there too. I talked to him about this and he assured me that nothing is going on but I told him I feel that the connection they have is taking away from sorting out things going on in our marrige. I know he is attracted to her (I'm not that gullible) With everything going on he has moved but still talks to the both of us. I may be overreacting but thoughts and emotions are running on high right now.

Things between my wife and I are amicable but we haven't talked about US in several days. I told her I understand her standpoint on wanting a divorce but I don't think it is the right choice. I will fight for our marriage but I do my best not come accross to her as begging or pitiful. I also don't want to come accross like I'm okay with everything either?? I am trying to decide right now if I should move out for a while to let her think, as well as allow me to think. I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said no. We even sleep in the same bed (It's a king size so we each have our side). I am curious as to how long I should give her to think before we discuss what we are going to do? I have suggested that we go to conseling together. She was considering it until we talked about my actions of a couple of years ago. Maybe I just gave her a justification to leave me? She does seem more at ease since that conversation. Heck I'm even more at ease since then.....

IN my opinion....

Both of you need to sit down with a marriage counselor, a minister, etc. You both will need to work through issues without it turning into an all out shouting match and having a counselor there would help referee it and give the discussion guidance and keep things on track and figure out what's important for you both.

If you want to save the relationship, I would certainly suggest to her to do that.

Both of you need to sit down with a marriage counselor

he's right and if you two can't do it for eachother and the relationship at least do it for the kids that's you're first priority is the kids. divorces are really hard on kidsmy mom and step dad got a divorce i'm old enough to understand tho. those kids aren't going to know what to think

You need to nip this in the bud NOW. The best advise I can give you is to go see a counselor. Someone who can referee and help you develop better tools for communicating. And both of you make the adjustments you need to make it work.

I'm glad that you are taking her request for divorce seriously. I spent years reading self-help books, sweeping things under the rug.... tried marriage counseling. The counseling worked for a little while and only on "some" issues. More self-help books....and the "D" word came up a lot with me. It was almost a warning I kept sending out... telling him.."HELLO.. things need to change, I'm not happy... you're leaving me no alternatives here.... " I even asked to go to counseling again... and he blew off the "D" word... and things just sprialed out of control... until one day...

SNAP

And once you get that SNAP. And she's done. She wil be done. So take it seriously...that she's using the "D" word. Neither one of you can be too happy with the situation as it is... so do everything you can to fix it.

BTW... I am going through a Divorce right now. And we have 2 children. 6 and 3. And he is "nasty nasty nasty" about it. Has accused me of cheating... of lying... of everything under the sun. Becareful of accusing her of cheating... if you go on a WITCH HUNT...you might find one. Sometimes people get accused once too often...that they'll just might go out and do it... cause if they are going to be accused, the might as well be guilty of it. Not saying this is my case... have a good friend this happened to.

Bottom line... again.. nip it in the bud. Be gentle. Be non-confrontational. And go see a counselor. Good-luck. PM me anytime if you need to talk.

The sounding board here relaly helps...thanks for the replies, It really helps even it is not something that you want to hear

I definitely don't want to be hasty in my actions. I do love my wife with all my heart and I know she loves me. I know there are things that we can change about our marriage that we can move forward with. We have grown over the years and it is true that this is the first time when we have had problems that I have felt she is serious about leaving no matter how hard it would be. I know this is why she is continuing to be adamant about divorce. She is very intelligent and true to her word. That is what concerns me most. I know in my heart that we can have more. Her fear is that like times before it will be awesome for a while and then I lose focus on us (of course jointly we could keep that focus). I'm optimistic that she will have a change of heart but I also know she just can't say things are all going to be better after I apologize for my actions. I think she wants me to realize the gravity of the situation, which I do. Of course there is the fact that she may be at the last straw (SNAP)but I won't accept that just yet.....

Well friend, let things calm down and let her figure out what she wants. Take the pressure off the situation and be more normal ie not so emotionally charged. Let her bring up where you two stand when she wants to talk about it and listen more than talk.

Well, my wife informed me today that she has appreciated that I have given her time to think and the relaxed atmosphere for her to clarify the decision she made last week. She also told me that there is no recourse for our marriage, no counseling, no repair, no matter how bad that I would want that to happen and her decision is final. I told her I don't agree with her decision; I want to do what is necessary to work things out. I was told I should have thought about that a long time ago when I made the decision to act in a way that essentially destroyed our marriage. I accept that my actions were wrong. I know it was a mistake but I also know that I have a lot to offer and have learned a lot over the years. I made some mistakes and another woman will benefit from all of this. She will now have to train somebody else….no question she is an upstanding women or I wouldn't have married her in the first place. Life must go on.

We are having amicable conversations and plan to sit down to map out a way forward with all of the "D" stuff. We both have agreed with each other to keep it out of the courts and use a mediator to file what is necessary.

A major next step to figure out how to have the conversation with our 6 year old. Any advice on talking to her about what mommy and daddy are doing would be appreciated……

Took the kiddos to a friends house so we could have another conversation about things. My wife said that she has thought about everything long enough and it is time to get out of limbo land and move on. She intends to start the paperwork today. We agreed to use a mediator and try to work through this as best we can. She said that we could and should be friends for the kids. She told me she can't ever be at a trust level with me that would allow her to be married to me. I told her that this was not what I wanted but if she is certain that I would stop doing things that are attempts at reconciling the marrige. I also told her that any debate about what led her to this decision is done. The only way we can be friends is to move forward and not look back.

It won't be easy but we are adults. We both want what is best for the kids (that's a work in progress) because we have plenty time to figure out what is right for us as individuals.

Hello

Hang in there, things will get better...........

Kuhl

8)

The last few days I have adjusted my approach to give the persona that I am okay with the path we are taking. I also took off my wedding ring. This, my wife noticed the same day. She asked me why I took it off and I told her that she has been adamant that there is no recourse and that our marriage is over. I have told her in the last couple of weeks that I would do anything to work this out. When she asked about that statement I made I told her that I had accepted her decision about us and that I needed to start focusing on moving on. The ring represents us and there is no longer an us so I won't wear it. She immediately asked me if there is someone else. I replied no and said I am not in a place right to deal with pursuit of another woman. My primary focus is the kids and myself.

She told me today that she had a promising job prospect and will move out as soon as she knows about the job. I told her that there was no hurry for her to move because it will be soon enough I will not be able to see the kids daily. But I told her that it was her choice.

I don't want to lose her but I can't be a pawn either. I will act as if things ar okay trudge ahead...............

She was surprised that you took off your ring??? hmmm....

Maybe she thinks you capitulated to easily... after the valient efforts you put in and now you are taking it too easily.

Well... either way. She's making the descision to move on instead of working on it. See what happens.

You are right. The kids need stability. If it doesn't work between the two of you.. it doesn't work. If one is unhappy and the other is perfectly happy... does this a marriage make???? nope. So, you're both right to think about the kids next and how to make their world a safe and loving place. If the both of you can get along for the kids sakes, you'll be able to preserve and nurture that relationship with the kids. Good for you for being calm, cool and collected. The kids will need that.

I think I did surprise her when I shifted my focus to acceptance of what is happening (at least around her). I am as upbeat as I can be and spend as much time with my kids as I can. My wife and I talk but it is usually very brief and I let her initiate any R,D conversations. I am very respectful and engage her in any of our conversations. I also don't make myself too available but I'm not stanoffish either.

Inside I am going nuts but I know if I show those feelings it will only resurface her angst with me. She knows how I feel and that I don't want this to happen.

We will be talking with a mediator in a couple of days. All of this sure is going faster toward divorce than I would like but she wants to get it done and move on. All I can do is hope that she has an epiphany that we really do have something worth saving.

Being the dumper is not any easier than being the dumpee. From my end of it there is the feeling of failure and guilt. Even from teh dumpers point of view... acceptance that "it" is gone is difficult. Not lessening the fact that you didn't want this or how you are feeling.

I think its a very mature and practical stance you have taken. (OK.. so we tried. I tried. This isn't working. IF it doesn't work for one..it doesn't work for the other. What do we do now? How do we move on with the least amount of collateral damage and take care of the kids). I think thats the part that people don't get. Kids don't have a choice.... they have to live in whatever world we set up for them. And having emotionally charged parents bickering about what amounts to "stupid" stuff.. (sometimes) is just wrong. Yikes. What does that teach them. You and your wife were friends before all this started... before you had children... before you made your commitements to one another... the best approach is to get to that friendship level again... so maybe the kids have some sense of NORMALCY.

No.. who wants a relationship where the other person is not happy. Or might have been forced to accept because of finances or children or whatever. I ask myself with the divorce rate being up there near what 56%... how many people who ARE married are actually happy? How many are just sticking with it because they can't end it for whatever reason... financial..... or staying for the kids sake???? Would those numbers be higher???

And give those high statistics.... how do you turn it around? How can you prevent this from happening again.

Me...?? I'm trying to learn from my mistakes. Hard bitter lessons.

Glad you are doing the mediator thing. OMG.. will be soooo much more cost efficient for you. Mine tried to get me to mediation. However, I knew he wasn't interested in mediating... he was interested in shoving it down my gullet. Or stopping this. Soooooo... I was forced to shell out $$ to protect myself and my children.

And thats the thing he doesn't understand. I could care less about the STUFF. I'm fighting to keep a roof over my kids heads. I'm fighting to keep some sense of normalcy for them. Stability.... and Safety. He's made it a vendetta... REVENGE. And is only concerned about himself. Too bad.... so sad.

Well, we met with the mediator a few days ago and things went surprisingly well. Naturally it will be a challenge for both of us financially but over time I guess it will be fine. Many of the details for the paperwork are already set forth by the state and related guidelines. We were able to agree on everything which will get the ball rolling.

I was able to spend some time away with the kiddos this weekend. I really enjoyed being with them and had a lot of fun. I know they enjoyed it to.

This was the first time we were away and I had a lot of time to think with no other adults around. I must say I didn't like that part of it at all. I am trying to keep a positive attitude and tell myself that all is going to be okay but I wonder sometimes. It was good to give my wife some time alone but I was amazed at how much I missed her. I know her mind is made up (she presents herself to that fact so well too) and this is the path she chooses but I do hate it. I want her to be happy and I know that her being happy is without me(easy to say but god awful hard to do). That fact is what eats at me the most. I see her interact with other people and reflect back when we used to be that way. I am still very attracted to her and it becomes almost overwhelming that I want to just be around her. Some parts of the day I'm an oak and the other times I feel like sagebrush.

The last few days have been really bumpy. I got home in the afternoon a couple of days ago and I could sense that my W was upset. There were a couple of things that happened during the day and she was unable to get in touch with me (I forgot my cell at home). When I asked her about what happened she gave me a very sharp and pointed response. I then asked if she was okay. She told me very bluntly that she had a really sh!tty day and would not even look at me when making the statement. I proceeded to go about my evening with the kids in a fairly upbeat mode. I made it a point to just hang out with the kids in their rooms and give her space.

The next day she sent me an email asking a couple of generic questions about some jobs she was applying for and I responded but included a question in the email that I should have left out. I asked her if there was any remote chance that we could steer us in an alternative direction away from the D and that a simple no response would be fine. I received a very lengthy and scathing email reply that basically reiterated everything she has said over the past few weeks and adamantly stating that I just don't get it!! She said that I have told her I realize my actions were wrong but she told me that I don't accept or understand them as being wrong and I think that I am the victim. I responded to several of the items by email and she followed with another flamer. I finally picked up the phone instead of responding with email and was able to calmly talk to her about some of the verbiage in the email. I definitely won't respond in email anymore. Loses all of the context and positive interjection that may be on the words.

She also told me she will be moving out soon since I have been avoiding her for the last couple of days. I said that it wasn't necessary to move I had only sensed she was angry and wanted to give her some space. She also said that with my attitude that I didn't seem to care what actually happened. I told her that I do care or I wouldn't be asking if there is a chance left to work on things. She thinks I have alterior motives and she says she can see through the nice guy act. She says she is waiting any day for the supera@@hole to start shining through. I simply told her if that was the approach I was going to take I would already be doing it.

I guess I blew it big time…… …….today is another day.

Part of me will be glad when she moves but a larger part of me hopes she doesn't.

We are still waiting on paperwork to file for the D, probably be middle of next week and then we can file.

The daily emotions are unbelievable!!! Some days are great and then wham!!, a couple of days of horror!! ...

My STBX hasn't moved out yet and I still see her every evening. I am still totally attracted to her even though I feel that she can't stand me. We are cordial most days and coexist. The benefit is that I see the kids every day the downside is I feel like I'm lusting over some stranger. I am near her, want her, think of her but can't touch her or connect with her in any way!!!

I'm hoping when she does finally move out it will help......

An update…..

My STBX has began the process of moving. Even though we haven't filed for the D she has borrowed some money and is renting a house in another town. I know this is for the best but it is not very easy right now. Our paperwork to file should be ready next week in the middle of the week (again)…..at least that is what we have been told.

Last night things really hit home because the house was quiet and more reality was setting in. I'm hoping things will get better but man this is tough. She seems so…okay….with everything. I guess she is because it's her decision for the D.

I should let things go but in my head I keep dwelling on her being with someone else and what my upcoming devastated financial situation will be for several years to come. I really try to focus on positives like being with my kiddos when I can but the negatives are what's keeping me up at night. I just keep thinking that the punishment doesn't fit the crime….she is the judge and jury though….

It's been about 2 months since she dropped the bomb and it doesn't seem to be getting any easier.

I'm going to a "going away" party for a co-worker tonight.....hopefully that will help....

It's all done now. The divorce was final yesterday....

Thanks for the thoughts and the words!!!

The court appearance was noneventful I guess is the best way to put it. It was done in about 15 minutes. We sat next to each other as the judge went through everything. Done deal.

We walked outside the court and talked about a few financial issues. As we were walking toward my truck I told her that I wouldn't trade what we had for anything in the world, the good and the bad. I got in my truck and she walked away. Sorta like a heartwrenching TV drama playing out infront of your eyes.

I really didn't have a sick feeling but I was sad for sure. I drove to the pier on the edge of town. It was raining and cold out. I walked out to the end of the peer, took a few deep breaths and cried for a couple of minutes. After that I looked up into the rain and the clouds and told myself that this chapter is closed and she is gone, we are done. As I was driving home I didn't really feel anything.....

I know I will always love her and am still totally attracted to her. I know in time the attraction will wither and the love I have will shift. In time...

Life does go one......it can change so quickly too!!!!

Hey man, it is such a tough time isn't it. I can see you walking out on the pier and I remember doing something similar after my divorce.

So most of the hard part is over. You still have the kids together and you have a whole new life in front of you.

I wish you all the best, I really do. Fathers are so often the forgotten people in the equation. Be good to your ex wife and love your kids.

I'm very sorry to hear about this. I was kinda hoping you guys would some how work things out. I guess I felt that way because it's only a matter of time before I go down that road. Try your best to put your heart back together again, clear your mind and learn form your mistakes. Take it a day at a time I guarantee things will get better. I wish you all the best. God Bless.

Argo,

Sorry you are in this situation. Quite a few have been where you are.

accepting it is the hardest, most painful part. you'll get through it but it won't be fun. be patient with yourself and know there are a lot of sympathetic ears here.

Argo,

You may need to go to link removed to get a better insight into the dynamic that you describe. It will explain that the more you try and get through to your wife, the more it will push her away. You are going up against an emotional "wall" that she has erected to shield herself from the pain that she has had inside of her. It also prevents the entry of any possible emotional threat to her already distressed state. Since you are the closest person to her emotionally, you are her biggest threat. You will just end up, as a lot of us have, beating your head up against the wall and cause her to build a bigger one in self protection. It is emotionally dysfunctional, not logical and certainly not emotionally healthy, for her but it is part of the "beast".

Read some of the other posts by surfjon, tigger, scornandtorn, benga and others to see how we tried to cope with this situation.

bnćokćkkćk

brokenandsad,

Forgive my ignorance. I'll bite, what does this mean?