Obsessive Love - The receiver

Hi all,

So pleased I have found this site, haven't had chance to read through the forums yet but will spend the next few days reading u and will probably find lots of people going through or have gone through this.

I will try and keep this brief, about 20 months I met a beautiful girl. She was only just turning 17 and I was 21. After several meetings in clubs we hooked up together and was an official item.

Everything was going well, I could believe someone like this could fall for me (I'd been in a couple of relationships before, one serious but long distance) and I was on high. So was she and we got along great. I should have seen the warning signs early because she used to send around 20 SMS text messages a day right from the start. However, I took this as a great compliment. After a month or so we made love and she lost her virginity to me.

We were both falling in love and it was brilliant, we saw eachother 3 or 4 times a week on an evening whilst she was at college and I was working in a gap year. Looking back, this is where the "problems" started. 6 month into the relationship she had a family holiday planned for 3 weeks to the states ( I live in the UK). She was dreading it and I was too, but thought it would be ok. She really struggled, ringing everyday with long phonecalls.

When she got back, she insisted seeing me everyday. I thought this would feel strange but went along with it, we were fantasising about our future together and were still both happy. Anyway, the SMS's started increasing up to 50/60 a day. I replied to them all even though we would be seeing eachother. I'd get home and the phone would beep within 10 mins. I was starting back at uni 9 months into the relationship and she said how strange it would be. I said with it being my final year i would really have to concentrate on my study and some days I wouldn't be able to see her with the work load.

She accepted but when I did try to have "night off" she would go crazy, saying I was putting uni before her etc and not being fair. Anyway this continued up until May of this year where I was seeing her every day and receiving 50 SMS's a day. When i didn't reply straight away (i.e within 30 mins) I was called arrogant. It was getting to the point where I was feeling so suffocated, everything i did wasn't good enough, she wanted more, more and more. she would get very jealous of even my parents.

She was eroding my feelings with her temper and i coudln't believe what was happening. She was becoming very manipulative and I was nervous wreck. She didn't like me seeing my friends or going out with them, she denied this but everytime I did, I got so much hassle it was just easier to not even suggest me doing something by myself. I ended up on prozac People were saying that i was being taken for ride and to call it a day. I knew they were right but it would hurt her (and me so much). After 18 months of the relationship I eventually plucked up courage and we split up. she blamed everything for the relationship to break down, me (not respecting her), my parents, my friends, uni, prozac........ everything except herself.

I said I would cut her out of my life and wanted to keep in touch because I'm not heartless (whenever I see her, my heart still jumps and I find her so physically attractive). Anyway, after some research on the net, I found the obsession love wheel and all the phases are exactly the same as our relationship. I became suffocated and started to back away which led her to be more anxious etc.

Sorry for the long message, I just want some advice. I'm still getting loads of SMS but i can't just say "go away, leave me alone", I don't want to be cruel. A lot of her friends are blaming me so are her family (but they don't know all this obsessive stuff)..... even they say she is a selfish person.

What is the best way to deal with a person like this? She is now admitting she craves attention and when we were splitting up she was very nasty to me (i.e, "saying you won't get anyone better than me", "I'll end up happy where as you will be all lonely")......... I can understand her hurt but all this is horrible for me too, because my world is upside down aswell. She is very attractive and gets a lot of attention from males (but she has very low confidence).

How can I help her? All throughout this I've tried to protect her feelings etc and just tried to explain how suffocated I felt and so forth. Everyone say's I'm not in the wrng and have done the right thing and suggest i cut her completely off but that seems very drastic.

Anybody else been in this situation? It's awful

Thanks for reading this

22 (UK)

Well you answered part of your own question. The reason that she is so OBSESSIVE is because she is a cute girl with VERY low-self esteem. Seems to me that she is acting out on that with you, and even attacking you as the fault of the relationship. That proves that most women put blames on other things and everyone else except THEMSELVES. Only the real mature women admit to themselves that they are the ones that messed up, but I have not found many of them out there.

I realize that your world is upside down, and you need to understand that you have to get yourself back together and you will have to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to do that. What do you think you need to do? In this situation you make it seem you need to get away from her. IF that is the case then I suggest telling her and explaining to her why you would like for her not to message you anymore. If she can't accept that then it just shows her immaturity and selfishness. It seems that she has, in a way, mentally abused you and this is what is currently making you the way you are now.

My suggestion is to cut her off.. not forever, but for the time being... so you can get back on your feet with your head straight and maybe later on down the road, once her obsession and your feelings are more controllable you can talk with one another, if you even would want to.

Cheers mate, everyone was saying a lot of it was "emotional blackmail" all the time and bending the truth. I could see when she did it with members of her family but for a long time not when it was done to me. I slowly started to realise but she knew my weak spots. I've said I need to time and to be left alone to rebuild, she accepts that but keeps messaging me. I'm the kind of person who can't ignore people.

I know it is hard to "ignore" someone you loved and care about, I really do, but I think in this case you are going to HAVE to take some drastic actions.

Her behaviour is NOT healthy, and it is even more unhealthy as she does not even seem to recognize it herself and how destructive it is. Obsessive love, is not true love. It is based on low self esteem, and trying to fill a void or "patch over" your own problems with someone else...texting you 50-60 times a day was not normal when you were together, and it is even more "wrong" now. The same goes for expecting you to change your entire life, including risking your academic career and your friendships for her.

She is emotionally manipulative, obsessive and while that is something you may not have seen at start, you can see it now..so take action.

I know it sucks, but for BOTH of you, you need to cut contact for now at least. She will not improve or learn from her behaviours unless you do so, and you will not heal and move on unless you do so.

Now obviously she did not listen when you asked her to stop messaging you, so either you must change your number, or call your phone company and ask them to block those calls/messages.

You are in control of this situation, whether you feel like it or not, but you need to take the proper steps to correct it. Honestly, if you don't, then you can expect this behaviour to continue until she finds someone else to obsess over, and it will only delay your healing.

Besides, should you become interested in someone else, how do you think they will take to your ex messaging you 60 times a day?

That proves that most women put blames on other things and everyone else except THEMSELVES. Only the real mature women admit to themselves that they are the ones that messed up, but I have not found many of them out there.

I think that is a rather unfair statement...I believe there are men and women who do this, so it is an individual, not gender based, trait.

If this is your perspective, it may have a lot to do with either the women you currently meet (in a younger peer group and not having grown yet, but not that different from many men in same peer group) or just the inability to also see that many men also cannot accept their role in the failure or a relationship or in the consequences of their actions.

People learn to recognize their own part in their circumstances with experience and maturity, and that is not something that is specific to either men or women.

I think one thing to think about when you're deciding whether or not to reply to her messages and whatnot is that she knows exactly what she is doing. She knows which buttons to push and she knows how to make you feel badly. She knows how to make you give her more attention. She knows all of that.

People that tend towards obsessive behavior (towards others- not obsessive behavior in general) are most often aware of what they are doing and how it is affecting others. When the find someone who reacts and gives them the attention they are looking for, they lock on.

The only way to make her stop, and eventually make her stop hurting, is to end all contact.

I'm not saying what you should or shouldn't do. Only you can answer that. Good luck.

Oh- and no, not all women blame others etc., etc., Give me a break.

eek! run, fast. In all seriousness, I think that cutting her out of your life is exactly what you need to do. She is obsessed and so even if you give her a little bit of attention she will make a huge deal out of it. She needs to learn that her behavior is unhealthy and drives people away. This is an extreme example of how ppl learn to be better at relationships. Don't put the burden on yourself to help her...it's honorable that you want to and since you care for her it will be hard not to try but trust me what she needs right now is a good therapist, someone who she can talk with openly about the relationship so that she can come to some kind of resolution and understanding of why she needs to move on from you and conduct herself in a different manner in the future. I think she does need help but if you try to do it yourself there is a good chance it will backfire on you even though you mean well.

Thanks for the responses people, I've suggested no contact several times over the past few weeks but she just tends to ignore it when I say I want be left alone.

It making my parents ill, me ill and everyone around us. I've said I don't want any more contact at all. Silly me still feels sorry for her but it was getting so nasty in the last few months of our relationship with constant argueing.

Thank you very much for your help

Punto....

Did you see that movie "SwimFan"? Or Fatal Attraction??? Do you want to find boiling bunnies in your kitchen??? Yikes!!!

I am sorry but it would have taken ONCE for someone to message me 50 times in one day..and they would have seen skid marks! Why have you put up with that for so long??? I hate to say it but at THIS point, you are somewhat at fault

for allowing this to continue, by giving in to her. How the heck did you have TIME to answer 50 or 60 sms'es a day??

This girl is a certifiable PSYCHO...find a sane normal person!

Run very fast , obsessive behaviour is not something that should be taken lightly. Have you seen Vanilla Sky? ( the first 30 mins) or Fatal Attraction, when these people didnt get what they wanted , they decided to act on it, no matter what the cost. Tell her how you really feel and that she needs to stop. The other thing is that you were her first and thet probably makes her more obsessed with you. Maybe you should go over one day when you know she's not home and talk to her parents and set the record straight.

Also, I'd like to know what network you guys are on that you can both send a receive 50 texts a day. I have three phone and I know that that must be very expensive.

Hi,

I am an obsessive girl. Not taht bad but I am suffering for that for three years. I didnt aware of what am I doin since yesterday I ahve seen him after a year and today at work searching for obsession.

I did everythign she has done .. but not 50sms per a day.. Thank u for realising me what I am doin andhow is the situation for him..

I am at work and feeig awfull.

I hope I can survive and wont be in the same situation again..

maybe i should send him sms telling sorry but better not .. he hates me already..

and the best thing u can do is just to be away from her believe me! everything will make her feel that u r doing sth for her and it will make her think taht u r perfect ! u willl more and more the best !

just leave her alone..

Duygu