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Thread: Fiance slapped me with a prenup one month before wedding

  1. #1
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    Fiance slapped me with a prenup one month before wedding

    Summary:
    We have dated for almost 7 years.
    We were both married before and have teenage children from previous marriage.
    We have lived together for almost 2. We have been engaged since then.
    We started making plans for our wedding in October 2004.

    The wedding is July 23.
    My fiance had threatened to give me a prenup a few months ago during an argument. I wrote about it here. Many people were against it.
    Now last Monday he said he would not marry me without it. That was 39 days before the wedding. He will give me this document today, but he said I HAVE to sign it until this Thursday, June 23, because it will be one month before the wedding. He is afraid that less than a month I can have it invalidated one day.

    The reasons he wants a prenup?
    He has a lot more assets than me.
    He has a business he wants to protect.
    He has a child from his first marriage.

    The problem is the timing. He is giving me NO time to review it with my lawyer and make changes if necessary and negotiate these changes. he made it clear I have to sign it the way he wants. He is SCARED to death that I will take his money, because his first wife got 50% of all and tried to take his company. So he doesn't trust any woman.

    I also fear he wants to give me a minimum in case of divorce and in case of death. He wants to get away with the minumum he can. I can't accept anything unfair and if I sign something I am not confortable with I will not be a happy bride. And I this will always haunt me, and I will always throw this in his face. AFter all, it will be me who will take care of him when he is old, be by his side, support him, etc. Not his daughter or anyone else.

    He told me last week not to send the invitations. We have no time now. I have the whole wedding already planned, even though it is only 50 people.
    If we don't have time to negotiate, we will have to postpone it, which is sad for me. And if he doesn't accept my terms either, I have to cancel the wedding. I can't sign something unfair just to marry hiim.

    I hate prenups and I think it is horrible for the weaker part. I understand men in their second marriages want to have one, but if they are so afraid of losing their money maybe they shouldn't marry again.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Jetta's Avatar
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    Postpone the wedding now. Review the prenup with an attorney, and if you can agree to the terms then reschedule the wedding.

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    I agree that the timing is bad and if it's unfair to you then that is also bad, if you have to postpone the wedding, then do so. Decide what is fair and stick to your guns.
    I understand men in their second marriages want to have one, but if they are so afraid of losing their money maybe they shouldn't marry again.
    I'm sure his first marriage was "forever" and "til death do them part", but it turned out not to be. If you can understand why he'd want one then why say he shouldn't marry again?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member shes2smart's Avatar
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    If you're not comfortable being railroaded into this (and it sure sounds like you're not) don't sign it. For something that could have some very serious future consequences for you, you really need to have a lawyer look it over. It's a shame to say so, but you need to have YOUR lawyer look at it so you can protect YOUR best interests....it would appear your fiance isn't concerned about anything but his interests.

    If it was me, I'd be more pissed/concerned about the way the pre-nup was presented....not about the pre-nup itself. If it was brought up well in advance (and NOT in a moment of anger during an argument), and you were given time to look it over and felt it was fair, there wouldn't be a problem with it. But the way he's sprung it on you last minute and is trying to force you into it.....doesn't seem to me like a good way to start a marriage.

    Sorry to say this, but between this and some of your previous posts, I have to wonder if this guy really wants to/should get married at all.

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    Platinum Member Day_Walker's Avatar
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    You still have a couple days before the 23rd, I would advise you to schedule a meeting with your lawyer asap. Review the document and if you dont agree, then you know there is going to have to be a negotiation of the terms. Im sure it depends on the state in which you live but check with your lawyer about the length of time that a prenup needs to be signed before the marriage. If you need to negotiate then you need to postpone the wedding.

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    scenarios

    Postponing it also has another problem: my parents are coming from abroad to this wedding and already bought tickets. Is he willing to compensate them for that? I would not marry without my parents who I love so much.

    Cancelling the wedding seems I was only after his money. Although if I propose "let's just continue dating" it means I don't want his money too!
    And I know he wants to get married. But he wants it his way, with an easy way out if it doens't work (keeping all his money).

    Now I know of some people who signed the document in the last days. And the prenup was valid. So it all depends on how long the negotiations last. I am nervous as hell because it is today that I will see this damn document.

    I love first marriages when people are young and don't have much at all. No need for this stress.

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    Platinum Member Jetta's Avatar
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    I agree witht he presentation of it being a red flag. Had he mentioned it, brought it to your attention in plenty of time that's one thing. But he's said don't send the invitations out, and now you have only a couple of days to agree to whatever terms he's presented. He doesn't act like a man who wants to get married.

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    I already found a lawyer (woman) who will go over the document with me tiomorrow. But then I have only one day to sign it? NO way. It is taking him one week to have it done, that means it must be very long and full of clauses...I need to have time to analyze each clause.

    Also, I have to pay for any changes that the document needs. He is not paying for that. I have to send my hard earned savings to defend myself on something HE brought upon me! He said he would only pay for 2 hours for my lawyer to EXPLAIN it to me. He doesn't want me to contest it! I can't accept that. I also have considerations to make or I am calling off the wedding.

    My sister in law has a different view then most people. She said I should sign whatever it is because she thinks that he will always provide for me and I am better off financially with him than alone. But I loving men do not want an unequal relationship like that.
    Has marriage become a business? How sad.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member shes2smart's Avatar
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    Re: scenarios

    Originally Posted by Luciana
    Cancelling the wedding seems I was only after his money. Although if I propose "let's just continue dating" it means I don't want his money too!
    No, it means you don't want to be pushed around. If anyone outside the situation thinks any differently, it's none of their business. They're entitled to their opinion....and you're entitled to ignore it.

    Originally Posted by Luciana
    And I know he wants to get married. But he wants it his way, with an easy way out if it doens't work (keeping all his money).
    So you're going into a marriage where your partner wants a built-in, "easy out"? I'm sorry, I don't see the point of that. It's like he's expecting it to fail.

    Originally Posted by Luciana
    I love first marriages when people are young and don't have much at all. No need for this stress.
    Uh, IMO, there's no need for this stress at all. This is all coming up because he's assuming you're gonna screw him over at some point in the future. Don't you find that a little insulting? I would. Also, he may say he wants to get married, but his actions are saying otherwise. There are better ways to approach the topic of a prenup...this waiting until a point where you feel you are stuck isn't terribly considerate. Have you considered the possibility that he's doing it this way so that you will cancel or postpone the wedding?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
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    I think I was one of the posters who may have said that I don't really think there is anything wrong with a prenup - as long as both have a mutual input into it. That being said, him to thrust it onto you without you two going to lawyer together and working on it is unfair.

    Even those who are young and "have nothing" should have prenups...as things will come along in time, and admittedly, are more likely to fail in their marriages too.

    I know many see a prenup as dooming the commitment from the start, but I really do NOT see it that way. I don't think it makes you more likely to split, I think it can both show true intentions, and it also DOES protect you "in case". While we don't get married planning divorce, what if someone turns abusive, or destructive to marriage...you don't always KNOW for sure.

    When I get married I definitely plan on it being forever, however I am not in the least opposed to a prenup even so.

    However, I am not surprised he threw it at you. Honestly, I am not surprised at anything he does do. What does continue to surprise me is why you keep excusing his behaviour, and accepting it, even if "normally you would not accept it"...there is always a big "BUT" there it seems when it comes to him.

    I honestly wonder if he is doing this to squirm out of the wedding/marriage - I mean telling you to cancel the invitations is almost as close to saying cancel the wedding as you can get, isn't it? Or am I the only one who sees it that way?

    Do not sign it until you review it with a lawyer. Even if it takes past the 23rd, make sure you are protected as well as him. And honestly, I know I have said it many times before, but I REALLY think you should think about what you are doing. This guy does NOT sound like marriage material, and really, this relationship seems fraught with too much negativity in my mind...you BOTH should be delighted and happy to be planning your future and life together...it seems that this is not the case from all your posts.

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