Fiance slapped me with a prenup one month before wedding

Does this man love you? From the way you describe his behavior towards you it seems that he does not. He is not looking out for you, only for himself. That is not the behavior of a man who loves.

I wonder if he knows his attitude should be insulting to you and that you should want to run, but you don't and so he doesn't trust this. He thinks something is up here and that's why he wants to protect himself.

He doesn't trust you, and trust is very, very important. Why are you settling?

No, so I agree I am jumping the gun and imagining how bad it can be (I know he is very cheap when it comes to me).

Just from personal experience & observation, what I've noticed is people who are stingy with money also tend to be stingy with giving of their time and attention, too.

Being in a relationship with someone who is stingy when it comes to their time and attention and giving of themselves is a very lonely proposition.

Are you really sure you want to go through with this?

You say you want to be protected. Protected from what? You say you have a job and a salary. Are you thinking about giving up your job and depending on him? BTW, in none of your posts on this thread have you said that you love him.

As many posts as I have read on this guy and their relationship, it seems like a fairly bleak one. Isn't this the one where the engagement ring was too small?

He may have been nervous about the wedding and that's why he failed to do this the right way, but personally I agree that pre nuptial agreements are a wise thing, especially where there are assets and existing children.

Here are answers to some of your questions:

The diamond ring was fake, not diamond but moissanite. I can't complain now because I agreed with having one and think the whole diamond industry is after money.

ALthough it can seem like I value some financial protection over the man, it is also very clear that he values a bit more money than taking care of me when I am old.

I got the prenup. It is the most horrible one I have ever seen. I am in shock right now. It is totally one sided. I get NOTHING, ever. Not in 5 years, 20 years or 40 years. I am better off not marrying. He lied to me in front of the therapist. It is so cheap that every paragraph is him screwing me over and over. I don't know how his lawyer let him do this.

The wedding will be postponed no doubt, if we are to reach a compromise. It wil be difficult to reach any compromise with such a NOTHING prenup. I now have to think of life without him. It will be very hard, but I have to do it. Seven years lost.

I just don't kill myself because I have 2 daughters.

Well, luciana, you've known this man for 7 years, this can't come as any surprise.

My dad also asked my mom to sign a prenup after they had gotten engaged. They dated only 6 weeks before getting married. Same thing, if they got divorced, she gets what she contributed and he gets what he contributed. Nothing more, nothing less.

My mom was amused and hurt. Amused because she made more money than he did at the time. Hurt because she had no ulterior motives to marry him. So, she signed it and they were married happily for 13 years until his death in 1991 (leukemia). Throughout his illness, my mom was there for him and cared for him every second of his illness, to the point where she ignored me, her daughter (which I totally understand and am not angry about - my dad was very sick).

Honestly, it seems that you two are entering this marriage as adversaries, not as life partners.

I can't see how you two are possibly right for each other. The way you referred to his daughter frankly has me speechless.

There is no way that this man loves you and that you love him. I realize that there are different types of love, but this situation is just sad. You two don't even seem to like each other, let alone love or be able to spend the rest of your lives together.

All I can say is "good luck" if you go through with this wedding. From what I've read here, you are just not on the same team.

I can't see how you two are possibly right for each other. The way you referred to his daughter frankly has me speechless.

I agree with this comment; I was more than shocked.

I too am shocked at how you referred to his daughter--a completely innocent person in all of this. It reminded me of those "wicked stepmother" tales.

Hi Luciana,

When I got together with my second partner I briefly considered a pre-nup for [probably the same reason as your guy, if it didn't work I'd be down to 25% of the assets I had 5 years ago (50% to my first wife and then 50% of that to my second wife).

I didn't go through with it or even mention it in the end not for any great altruistic reasons, just because I decided what the heck. But I can understand where your fiance is coming from.

That said, if the terms of the prenup leave you with nothing then I can understand your hurt (if somewhat misguided in your sentiments about the daughter).

My understanding of prenups (here anyway) is that they are eroded over time and if the are overly punitive (as this one seems to be) they can often be disregarded.

Anyway you have other issues to resolve as well.

Good luck.

I am also horrified at the way you referred to his daughter.

There does not seem to be one iota of respect or mutual caring between the two of you, and it is unclear to me why you are even together let alone considering marriage,

I'm sad for both of you.

I don't really understand WHY you are marrying this man Luciana.

I believe I have asked you that question in a few of your threads about him, yet I don't believe there has ever been an answer. I have never heard because "I truly love him" or because "when I am around him, I feel like the whole world is brighter" or because "he touches me at my very heart and soul" or because "we are a team".

All I hear is why you CAN'T leave or WON'T leave: because he has not cheated on you. Because you don't want to be left with 'nothing'. Because you don't believe there is any better.

Honey, these are NOT reasons to stay with someone never mind to marry them.

Honestly, do you believe a man who loves and respects would create such a prenup? Do you think that you as a woman who loves someone would say such terrible comments about his daughter who may I remind you was brought into this world by your future husband, and whom did not choose to be here on her own volition?

It is apparent from the many posts there is lacking true love here, he never even SAYS it to you, and there is absolutely no respect in the way you treat and talk about one another. I do not know ANY single woman who complains as much about their partner, let alone the partner they are supposed to be excited to be creating a future with!

There is no partnership here, no respect, no true love and compassion or even honesty for that matter. I don't honestly know why you two are together, let alone getting married...but if you proceed with the marriage, all I can say is you will need all the luck in the world because I think the odds right now are against you having a healthy happy marriage with this man.

Where is the strong, independent woman that you say you were raised as? Shouldn't she be kicking this guy to the curb and going out there on her own, proud and free again?

I have to agree with everything the last several posters have said.

I know you have stated that he wants to marry you, why else would he be going through with the wedding, but I see a different picture. Yes, this prenup is incredibly harsh towards you. I understand your point of view - if you're going to be his wife, and things go downhill one day and you get divorced, you should get some credit for at least standing by his side while helping him get his business back on track. After all, a husband and wife should be partners and work as a team.

But that's the thing... him saying that he would owe you nothing in the case of a divorce, no matter how long you two were together, indicates that he doesn't think of you two as a team. It seems to me that a person who wants to get married would really think of the marriage in terms of a life-long partnership, not this, "you are entitled to nothing!" attitude. That seems more to me like a man who really doesn't want to get married at all.

Like Shes2smart said, the presentation of this document is really disturbing. I haven't been engaged, but it seems to me that most couples get the prenup stuff taken care of far before the wedding, or at least at the same time that they are choosing the location, finding a florist, etc. With this whole "1 day to sign it," it seems like he doesn't want you to accept the terms and he wants you to call off the wedding.

For lack of a better term, he seems too "chicken poop" to call off the wedding himself in clear terms, so he's decided to slap you with such a bad document that you will have no choice but to postpone things.

Isn't this all clicking yet? The way he never gave you a romantic proposal, even though he had many chances on vacations? That it took him so many years to "propose." That you said he's been romantic towards other women, but not towards you. That he rarely tells you he loves you. Does this really sound like a man that truly wants to marry you?

And from all your posts, it doesn't seem that you are deeply in love with him and want to be with him. It seems more that you feel you've invested a lot of time in this relationship, and you feel entitled to something.

Annie, you are absolutely right on everything. But I do love him, although now I am so hurt I cannot function. The sleeping pill I took last night did not work. I have been faithful, supportive and very affectionate all these years. But I am worth so little. I am still in shock and my mind is not working well. Sorry everybody, but I am well. I am going to see my lawyer today, but I know what she is going to say.

I have been faithful, supportive and very affectionate all these years. But I am worth so little.

This is not true. You probably feel you are worth so little because you've been treated very badly for a long time.

I am still in shock and my mind is not working well. Sorry everybody, but I am well. I am going to see my lawyer today, but I know what she is going to say.

Skip the lawyer, go to the library and get last Sunday's paper and start looking for an apartment. In the long run, I really think that leaving him is going to be better for you. It's been 7 years. He's not going to change, and you don't deserve to be treated like that. No one does.

You said in another post something about 7 years wasted. That's not true. You've had the opportunity to learn some really hard lessons, and now it's time to graduate and move on. Do you really want to stick around longer and realize 8 or 10 or 12 years has slipped by? You mentioned you have daughters, but you didn't mention their ages. What does staying with this guy teach them about what's acceptable behavior in a relationship? Would you want them to be in the same situation you are with a man who treats them like he's treated you?

I had a 2 hour meeting with a woman lawyer. She was fantastic. 25 years working with family law. She said this was one of the most one sided prenups she has ever seen. She is fundamentally against prenups but she said she has many clients male and female, and she tries to make them as fair as possible.

She told me she would never let me sign it.

Today is Wednesday. I have refused to accept any calls from my fiance, who is sleeping god knows where, since Monday evening. He has called 3 times asking me to call him, but he won't come home afraid of facing me.

He is a real coward.

The lawyer made so many changes I am not sure he will accept.

Can you guys believe that the first paragraph says that none of the parties shall be responsible for the other in case of unemployment, career changes, sickness, etc. That is the anthitesis of what marriage is. He is hallucinating and got himself an awful lawyer.

I am feeling much stronger now after going to her, I felt like hugging her. She made me realize that if he refused to negotiate I am more than certain that I need to kick this man's butt as far away from me as possible. I will suffer for a while, but I will survive.

He is paranoid in losing his money, but will lose a good woman instead. She made me feel better by saying I am smart and good looking and wil have no problem in finding another man.

My daughters are 18 and 14, and they are great loving kids.

What did your lawyer think of you referring to his daughter as

One lucky sperm club girl

Luciana - I am so happy to hear you feel more empowered after talking to the lawyer. Like you said, 25 years of experience, and they know something when something doesn't smell right.

I can't believe that he is not sleeping at your place! Honestly, with the lawyers, one-sided documents, and the hiding, it sounds more like you are going through a divorce, not a marriage.

Yes, you are right, he will lose much more. And you will gain so much more by finding a man who will be your partner in every way. You said that you are a fit, good-looking, and exciting woman. I bet that many men would desire to be in a relationship with you. It's not like this is your "last chance at love." My mom remarried at 63!

Your friends and family will be more understanding than you think. I think everyone would rather the wedding be cancelled 1 month before than to go through a messy divorce later. Or hell, even running away like the woman from Georgia did! Don't worry, your parents have plane tickets, they can visit you anyways in your new apartment!

Good luck!

DN, gsy

Thanks Annie for the upbeat tone. I need to be positive because I will go through lots of changes, my life will deteriorate in quality, I will barely survive on my salary and my teenage daughter will have to abandon her good school and friends. She will suffer the most. She will pay for her mother not choosing a kind, loving man.

Don't we all learn with life? I am sure the next guy I like will be the nice type: maybe less exciting, but less paranoid and trusting.

Luciana - now would be a good time to maybe take some night classes, you know, get some more skills so you can find a better job to support yourself and your daughter with.

DN, gsy

tell me that she isn't? She will never have to study or work hard in her life knowing daddy has a big trust fund for her and is leaving her millions when she is around 40. She already gets a 800 a month allowance to spend on clothes at the age of 14. She buys designer bags that cost 400 dollars while I buy discount clothes because her daddy makes me pay half od all expenses? And guess what? Her stepdad who she lives with is also rich!

 

Spoiled? Just a little. But we get along fine. I don't but in on how he deals with her and she lives in another state. I treat her VERY well, but that she is a member of the lucky sperm club, she is! Can you contest that?

He is her father, and he is supposed to support her and if he wants to spoil her that is his perogative. He's got the money, and it's up to him how he wants to spend it. You are supposed to be his equal partner, you are not his daughter, and you should be working together to pay the bills. He does not have an obligation to support you.

Personally I am still horrified that you call the daughter this man you claim to love such a derogatory name. Shame on you! How would you feel if your soon to be hubby called your daughter an awful name like that?

The prenup is a separate issue, but I am disgusted with the way you talk about her.

I can't help but wonder if your attitude towards his daughter, and your apparent sense of entitlement about money, is the reason that he decided to go for a prenup. You seem way more concerned about the financial impact of splitting with him than you do about losing someone you love.