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Fiance slapped me with a prenup one month before wedding


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Summary:

We have dated for almost 7 years.

We were both married before and have teenage children from previous marriage.

We have lived together for almost 2. We have been engaged since then.

We started making plans for our wedding in October 2004.

 

The wedding is July 23.

My fiance had threatened to give me a prenup a few months ago during an argument. I wrote about it here. Many people were against it.

Now last Monday he said he would not marry me without it. That was 39 days before the wedding. He will give me this document today, but he said I HAVE to sign it until this Thursday, June 23, because it will be one month before the wedding. He is afraid that less than a month I can have it invalidated one day.

 

The reasons he wants a prenup?

He has a lot more assets than me.

He has a business he wants to protect.

He has a child from his first marriage.

 

The problem is the timing. He is giving me NO time to review it with my lawyer and make changes if necessary and negotiate these changes. he made it clear I have to sign it the way he wants. He is SCARED to death that I will take his money, because his first wife got 50% of all and tried to take his company. So he doesn't trust any woman.

 

I also fear he wants to give me a minimum in case of divorce and in case of death. He wants to get away with the minumum he can. I can't accept anything unfair and if I sign something I am not confortable with I will not be a happy bride. And I this will always haunt me, and I will always throw this in his face. AFter all, it will be me who will take care of him when he is old, be by his side, support him, etc. Not his daughter or anyone else.

 

He told me last week not to send the invitations. We have no time now. I have the whole wedding already planned, even though it is only 50 people.

If we don't have time to negotiate, we will have to postpone it, which is sad for me. And if he doesn't accept my terms either, I have to cancel the wedding. I can't sign something unfair just to marry hiim.

 

I hate prenups and I think it is horrible for the weaker part. I understand men in their second marriages want to have one, but if they are so afraid of losing their money maybe they shouldn't marry again.

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I agree that the timing is bad and if it's unfair to you then that is also bad, if you have to postpone the wedding, then do so. Decide what is fair and stick to your guns.

I understand men in their second marriages want to have one, but if they are so afraid of losing their money maybe they shouldn't marry again.

I'm sure his first marriage was "forever" and "til death do them part", but it turned out not to be. If you can understand why he'd want one then why say he shouldn't marry again?

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If you're not comfortable being railroaded into this (and it sure sounds like you're not) don't sign it. For something that could have some very serious future consequences for you, you really need to have a lawyer look it over. It's a shame to say so, but you need to have YOUR lawyer look at it so you can protect YOUR best interests....it would appear your fiance isn't concerned about anything but his interests.

 

If it was me, I'd be more pissed/concerned about the way the pre-nup was presented....not about the pre-nup itself. If it was brought up well in advance (and NOT in a moment of anger during an argument), and you were given time to look it over and felt it was fair, there wouldn't be a problem with it. But the way he's sprung it on you last minute and is trying to force you into it.....doesn't seem to me like a good way to start a marriage.

 

Sorry to say this, but between this and some of your previous posts, I have to wonder if this guy really wants to/should get married at all.

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You still have a couple days before the 23rd, I would advise you to schedule a meeting with your lawyer asap. Review the document and if you dont agree, then you know there is going to have to be a negotiation of the terms. Im sure it depends on the state in which you live but check with your lawyer about the length of time that a prenup needs to be signed before the marriage. If you need to negotiate then you need to postpone the wedding.

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Postponing it also has another problem: my parents are coming from abroad to this wedding and already bought tickets. Is he willing to compensate them for that? I would not marry without my parents who I love so much.

 

Cancelling the wedding seems I was only after his money. Although if I propose "let's just continue dating" it means I don't want his money too!

And I know he wants to get married. But he wants it his way, with an easy way out if it doens't work (keeping all his money).

 

Now I know of some people who signed the document in the last days. And the prenup was valid. So it all depends on how long the negotiations last. I am nervous as hell because it is today that I will see this damn document.

 

I love first marriages when people are young and don't have much at all. No need for this stress.

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I agree witht he presentation of it being a red flag. Had he mentioned it, brought it to your attention in plenty of time that's one thing. But he's said don't send the invitations out, and now you have only a couple of days to agree to whatever terms he's presented. He doesn't act like a man who wants to get married.

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I already found a lawyer (woman) who will go over the document with me tiomorrow. But then I have only one day to sign it? NO way. It is taking him one week to have it done, that means it must be very long and full of clauses...I need to have time to analyze each clause.

 

Also, I have to pay for any changes that the document needs. He is not paying for that. I have to send my hard earned savings to defend myself on something HE brought upon me! He said he would only pay for 2 hours for my lawyer to EXPLAIN it to me. He doesn't want me to contest it! I can't accept that. I also have considerations to make or I am calling off the wedding.

 

My sister in law has a different view then most people. She said I should sign whatever it is because she thinks that he will always provide for me and I am better off financially with him than alone. But I loving men do not want an unequal relationship like that.

Has marriage become a business? How sad.

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Cancelling the wedding seems I was only after his money. Although if I propose "let's just continue dating" it means I don't want his money too!

 

No, it means you don't want to be pushed around. If anyone outside the situation thinks any differently, it's none of their business. They're entitled to their opinion....and you're entitled to ignore it.

 

And I know he wants to get married. But he wants it his way, with an easy way out if it doens't work (keeping all his money).

 

So you're going into a marriage where your partner wants a built-in, "easy out"? I'm sorry, I don't see the point of that. It's like he's expecting it to fail.

 

I love first marriages when people are young and don't have much at all. No need for this stress.

 

Uh, IMO, there's no need for this stress at all. This is all coming up because he's assuming you're gonna screw him over at some point in the future. Don't you find that a little insulting? I would. Also, he may say he wants to get married, but his actions are saying otherwise. There are better ways to approach the topic of a prenup...this waiting until a point where you feel you are stuck isn't terribly considerate. Have you considered the possibility that he's doing it this way so that you will cancel or postpone the wedding?

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I think I was one of the posters who may have said that I don't really think there is anything wrong with a prenup - as long as both have a mutual input into it. That being said, him to thrust it onto you without you two going to lawyer together and working on it is unfair.

 

Even those who are young and "have nothing" should have prenups...as things will come along in time, and admittedly, are more likely to fail in their marriages too.

 

I know many see a prenup as dooming the commitment from the start, but I really do NOT see it that way. I don't think it makes you more likely to split, I think it can both show true intentions, and it also DOES protect you "in case". While we don't get married planning divorce, what if someone turns abusive, or destructive to marriage...you don't always KNOW for sure.

 

When I get married I definitely plan on it being forever, however I am not in the least opposed to a prenup even so.

 

However, I am not surprised he threw it at you. Honestly, I am not surprised at anything he does do. What does continue to surprise me is why you keep excusing his behaviour, and accepting it, even if "normally you would not accept it"...there is always a big "BUT" there it seems when it comes to him.

 

I honestly wonder if he is doing this to squirm out of the wedding/marriage - I mean telling you to cancel the invitations is almost as close to saying cancel the wedding as you can get, isn't it? Or am I the only one who sees it that way?

 

Do not sign it until you review it with a lawyer. Even if it takes past the 23rd, make sure you are protected as well as him. And honestly, I know I have said it many times before, but I REALLY think you should think about what you are doing. This guy does NOT sound like marriage material, and really, this relationship seems fraught with too much negativity in my mind...you BOTH should be delighted and happy to be planning your future and life together...it seems that this is not the case from all your posts.

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I think he DOES want to get married, otherwise he wouldn't go through it.

The thing is that he wants to get married feeling absolutely safe that no broad will touch his money.

 

This is what I wanted, but won't have:

 

Everything he has BEFORE our wedding, even if I have been with him for almost 7 years, should be only HIS. I have no rights to all his assets now.

 

BUT: everything he and I made AFTER the wedding should be ours. This way I would feel part of a team and closer to him.

 

Of course he doesn't want that. He wants to keep everything separate. A poor woman married to a rich man. He would control the money, our vacations, and I would have to ask permission to spend anyting!

I have my salary which is not so bad, but nowhere as much as he will make soon(he is starting a new business).

 

it is such a touchy subject. None of my friends have a prenup, it is so alien in my world. I wish someone here could tell me of their experience.

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I also don't know what I will tell my friends if I postpone or cancel the wedding. The truth? Too much gossip will ensue. Some might twist things and say I was greedy.

 

DETAIL: 3 years ago he went through a VERY bad situation with his business. He lost a lot of money in a civil lawsuit brought by an ex-employee. I gave him support that whole period when he had little money. Even then I wanted to marry him, and he knows that. Now that his business rebounded and he knows he will probably make loads of money, he is scared to share it with me.

 

Of course I feel insulted! He doens't trust me! But if you google prenup on the internet ALL the articles are in favor. They stress how important it is for couples to have one (especially the richer one)! So he feels is doing the right thing: protecting himself and his daughter agaisnt BIG BAD me!

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I also fear he wants to give me a minimum in case of divorce and in case of death. He wants to get away with the minumum he can. I can't accept anything unfair and if I sign something I am not confortable with I will not be a happy bride. And I this will always haunt me, and I will always throw this in his face. AFter all, it will be me who will take care of him when he is old, be by his side, support him, etc. Not his daughter or anyone else.

 

A prenup should not be viewed as a shield guarding his assets from you. It should be viewed as "very personal insurance." It gives the wife/or husband no incentive to get a divorce, other than the mere fact that they wish to no longer be with the person. I can appreciate that he wants to protect his business and assets. A prenup does not mean that he does not love you, or that he does not trust you. Remember, he is merely protecting himself and I hate saying this, but humans are unpredictable, period.

 

Other posters said that you should review it with an attorney of your own. I second their opinion. You can also veto certain criteria set, and come up with your own ideas I believe. Remember, you are now in negotiations so treat this as a business transaction. You want to get the best deal you can, so make sure that you review it in its entirety and understand the legalities.

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But Chai, I understand your point (and his), but if I don't have an incentive for a divorce (since I won't be getting his money), then he WILL have an incentive to walk away anytime on me! Since he won't lose a dime he can leave me when he pleases me or finds younger meat.

 

Remember how Tom Cruise left Nicole Kidman just before their prenup was going to expire?

He can leave and I can't? Isn't that total control??

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But Chai, I understand your point (and his), but if I don't have an incentive for a divorce (since I won't be getting his money), then he WILL have an incentive to walk away anytime on me! Since he won't lose a dime he can leave me when he pleases me or finds younger meat.

 

Remember how Tom Cruise left Nicole Kidman just before their prenup was going to expire?

He can leave and I can't? Isn't that total control??

 

He can leave you or you can leave him. To me, that is equal power. Unless he said, "I want you to be a stay at home mom, and never work," and you agreed, then a prenup would be unfair.

 

You can't compare your relationship to any Hollywood relationship. Hollywood relationships are superficial (yes, I'm stereotyping them) and everyone sleeps with everyone in Hollywood. Don't let your insecurities make you believe he will leave you for younger meat. Remember, if your relationship is built on friendship and honesty you have nothing to worry about.

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Of course I feel insulted! He doens't trust me! But if you google prenup on the internet ALL the articles are in favor. They stress how important it is for couples to have one (especially the richer one)! So he feels is doing the right thing: protecting himself and his daughter agaisnt BIG BAD me!

 

I'll say it again. The problem here is not the prenup. It's the way he's pressuring you about it and the underlying lack of trust.

 

Even if you sign it, you will continue to struggle with this lack of trust issue in a million different ways after you say "I do." Personally, I wouldn't want to live that way. You've been with this man for 7 years, and he still doesn't trust you. He's either got some serious issues he's actively NOT working to resolve (more likely from what you've said) or he's got reason to not trust you (which I don't think is the case here). Either way, it's not a good situation.

 

I agree with RayKay in that you seem to make a lot of excuses for this guy.

 

My husband isn't rich by any stretch of the imagination. Maybe someday, but we do alright. What he does have is a high-dollar life insurance policy and children from a previous marriage. When we first met, he had his children and ex as beneficiaries on that policy. After we got married, he changed the beneficiary to me alone, and told me what amount of that money he wants put aside for his children if he should die. He trusts me to take care of that, and should the need arise, I will. There's nothing in writing, but for us, there doesn't need to be.

 

My friend Ray has always told me, "No Trust, No Relationship."

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There you go:

 

He wants a prenup because he thinks I will be dishonest one day and try to steal his business.

 

I also cannot guarantee he won't get tired of me one day when my wrinkles become deeper and being a well off man, he can find a woman 20 years younger. Maybe I should add an infidelity clause to this prenup. He is not the unfaithful type I know, but then again I am not the dishonest type! He is protected and I am not.

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Has marriage become a business? How sad.

 

I believe that prenuptual agreements are beneficial for marriages. As Chai714 has mentioned before, when there is a prenuptual agreement it destroys the incentive to leave the marriage for financial gain. The beneficial aspect is that you get to discuss issues within the marriage because of this you have a legally binding document that states that you have settled these issues and are ready to move forward with the marriage. Given certain states laws concerning spousal support and splitting up the assest, it can more beneficial for people to get a prenuptual agreement. I look at a prenuptual agreement as setting the rules that will be played out during the marriage, why would you go into something without them.

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Day Walker, there is nothing better than the feeling of being part of a team when you are married, and both building towards the future. I have been in that situation and you have few more fights about money.

 

Since he wants to keep any profit he has only his in the future, why should I even pay attention when he comes telling me of his business troubles? I have given him numerous ideas and advice all these years. Why bother...

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No, so I agree I am jumping the gun and imagining how bad it can be (I know he is very cheap when it comes to me).

 

I will have it tonight I guess, and go to a lawyer tomorrow. I will let everyone know the terms here, in summary.

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what state do you live in Luciana? many states will not honor a prenup at divorce time, my state, wisconsin is one of the states that you can easily get a prenup thrown out for any number of reasons, the biggest one being a violation of the community property state requirements necessary to keep property and assests separate from a marriage... just so you know

 

 

I also agree with what most others have said, Him asking for a prenup is fair, the way he did it is horrible, what he wants from it is ridiculous. The best prenups are the ones that protect both parties equally, ideally you two should have sat down together and wrote the prenup together, then have a meeting with you two and your two lawyers, for clarification and so the lawyers can tell you ramifications of what you are agreeing to. This should not have had to be a painful process.

 

I think your guy is bordering on emotional abuse in the way he is handling this, if it were me the wedding would be off.

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Luciana,

 

It really doesn't seem to me that you should be marrying this guy. you appear to have a lot of resentment towards him with regards to the financial issues. You say he is 'very cheap' with you and wants to have total financial control within the relationship. Do you really want spend the rest of your life with a cheapo man who expects you to ask permission every time you buy something?

I was a student just out of college when I met my husband, he already had the car and the apartment and the savings and does very well and I had absolutely nothing. I think I had about $500 dollars to my name when I arrived here in the states to move in with him. However my husband never even entertained the thought of a prenup despite being cleaned out by his first wife. Do you know why? Because he trusts me! He never would have asked me to marry him if he had any qualms about it working out as his first divorce was so painful.

 

Now I know this situation is a bit different as your fiance has a business but I don't think it really bodes well the marriage if it is going to be entered into with feelings of distrust and suspicion. it sounds to me like perhaps you are only staying with this guy and putting up with this because you feel like you can't do any better. You don't seem to have much confidence in yourself as you keep making excuses for his quite inexcusable behaviour.

 

To slap you with this pretty much out of the blue a month before your wedding and only give you a day or so to review it to try to hustle you into signing is appalling in my opnion. Okay I understand he wants to protect his future etc but what about yours? Will he have the rights to everything you buy together?

 

I would give very careful thought to marrying this person, he gives the impression that he wants this marriage to fail before it has even begun or perhaps he is being unreasonable now because he doesn't want to go through with it and he thinks if he acts like a complete bastard you will call it all off. Why don't you tell him how you feel? Explain to him that this is making you feel very uncomfortable and sad because it seems like he assumes that you will screw him sometime in the future. Ask him why he thinks that if he loves you and wants to marry you.

 

Good luck

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I have to agree with the poster who said that the number of problems that you have posted about before with this guy would seem to be the key. If he senses that you are as unhappy with him as you have said on a number of occasions that may well explain why he is trying to protect himself, because he may be questioning why you want to be with him if you are unhappy with him as a person other than looking ahead to being compensated for looking after him when he is old.

 

For instance: if you have given him the impression that you think he is cheap, he may be worried that after the wedding you will try to make up for his 'cheapness' by spending a lot of money and, if you should decide to divorce him, make up for it even more with a punitive divorce settlement. He may also be noting that you seem more concerned about losing any financial benefits of marriage with him because of the pre-nup than you are about losing him as a lover, companion and husband.

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