Old fashioned relationships - what's in it for the men?

Hey, hope everyone is getting ready for a great weekend.

Anyway, I think I'm starting to get a little nervous about the LTR I am in. I've been living with my gf for over a year now. We've been dating on and off for about 8 years. We are both actively working on aspects of our relationship that we've discussed as problems, and things are going well.

I am young (25), and somewhat successful for my age. I have a good career, own my own home, and have all the little toys that make life fun. I actively try to better myself (physical fitness, job promotions, etc). I am no angel though - I do party and get roudy sometimes, like most guys.

Anyway, my girlfriend's goal in life is to always work some non-important part time job, or eventually not really work any job at all. She wants me to continue being successful and support her. I already pay all the bills, mortgage, etc. She does help out a lot though - buys food and stuff. And I am completely ok with this now. I actually don't want her to pay that sort of thing. Eventually, though, she imagines a life where her part is just to stay in shape and look good and my part is to pay for everything, buy her new cars, vacations, etc.

I do like taking care of her and supporting her, don't get me wrong. I would love to just win the lotto and make her dream life come true. I don't mind continuing to pay for housing, bills, and eventually take over the food and things like that. She is very clear that this is how she expects her future to be. I like being the man, too, so that is ok.

My question is this - What the #$*@ is my dream future, then? Hers is to avoid the workforce and have nice things... mine is... What? I know a lot of couples live this way and I want to hear from someone with experience what is in it for the guy? I am decent looking, have all kinds of talents, people seem to like me, I don't need to give half my salary away just for occasional sex and a cute girl around. So in this situation, what is the woman's contribution to the man's life? Just looking pretty doesn't seem to be a fair trade...

I'm worried that I am getting really deep into this relationship and am just setting myself up for a life out of a 1970s TV show. I don't want to be a disgruntled husband.

Any thoughts?

Your post is somewhat contradictory because if you were really ok with the situation, why post about it? It seems to me she is taking advantage of you now and intends to do that, and more, in the future.

A good rule of thumb in life is to never take advantage of someone and never let anybody take advantage of you.

Are you saying the American Dream and perfect nuclear family is not fulfilling in reality?

Shocking! =)

Do you have a purpose to your life? That's kinda a bigger question than the one about "I have a toy house, toy car and toy wife, is that all there is?"

It's kinda a spiritual or even religious question that maybe you missed on your way to gathering up all them toys?

Kids aren't always the answer either...

and what does this girlfriend expect to do if, god forbid you were in a car accident tomorrow and died? how would she support herself?

and I can see your point, a relationship or marriage should be about 2 people working together towards a common goal or lifestyle, taking care of each other.

don't know what to tell you except you need to figure out what it is you want in a partner and a lifestyle.

I have to respond to this because it relates to my life all too well. I was in a relationship with a woman whose expectations were exactly parallel to your girlfriends. She expected the guy to be the stereotypical 1950's guy and her to look pretty and perform her stereotypical 1950's duties. However, I was raised in a liberal, feminist household and expected much more of her. I wanted her to finish college, have a career, carpe diem, basically. I guess it all stemmed from my expectations differed from hers and this caused a lot of resentment. It doesn't go away and only seems to grow like I am sure you are aware of. There are three types of compatability you have to have: love, religion(or lack there of), and expectations. You feel this way because you resent her for not fulfilling your expectations. If you cannot accept her as she is then you will always resent her for not being as ambitious as you.

Sorry, it did sound like I was contadicting myself.

What I mean is that I have no problem with how things are RIGHT NOW in our life. But I just can't imagine feeling great about this in the future. I really want her to be motivated to do something with herself (she is trying, but is easily frusterated). Also, I was hoping that someone who is in this situation might be able to say - Hey, there is light at the end of the tunnel - it is worth doing this for the long haul because the girl does ______ for you.

Otherwise, f it. I'll be single and 35 and drive a Dodge Viper and date 18 year olds. lol.

But no luck yet, huh?

I dont believe its a fair trade off. Personally my feelings on the issue have to deal with control, the men who like to be in control believe this lifestyle to be beneficial to them. If you think about it the man is in control over everything in this situation. If you value having a pretty wife that works out, cooks and takes care of the kids then this lifestyle will also appeal to you. If your relationship goals dont match hers then you should be concerned that you are heading in that direction if you take this relationship further. You can talk about the issue and present your idea of your future and see where that gets you. If your two goals dont match up then you need to solve the problem from there.

Coma, my suggestion to you is to stop shacking up with your girlfriend. You two are trying to act like a married couple, but aren't--and that is why you are confused. You will learn that once you are really married and both working toward a common goal that a woman isn't only there for you for "occasional sex and (having) a cute girl around".

Great comment

Yes, I do have purpose. I came from a tough childhood, not a lot of money, lots of trouble, blah blah blah... I raised myself up, have a great career that I really work at and feel very proud about. I've become a person that in general I am really proud of. I have hobbies, friends, etc. I also like flashy toys, but there is nothing wrong with that

Are you saying the American Dream and perfect nuclear family is not fulfilling in reality?

 

Shocking! =)

 

 

 

Do you have a purpose to your life? That's kinda a bigger question than the one about "I have a toy house, toy car and toy wife, is that all there is?"

 

It's kinda a spiritual or even religious question that maybe you missed on your way to gathering up all them toys?

 

Kids aren't always the answer either...

 

 

I think what Derek meant is that do you have a purpose such as helping homeless children, finding a cure to a disease, or making this world a better place by (?). A purpose in life can be to be a great father. How do you help others? Why are you here on this earth?

Just an addition... I see a lot of comments about children. Neither of us plan on having children, so that isn't really part of the issue.

I appreciate everyone's replies and the insight is helpful. I would especially like to hear from people who have themselves been in this sort of situation, though.

Thanks.

Coma, my suggestion to you is to stop shacking up with your girlfriend. You two are trying to act like a married couple, but aren't--and that is why you are confused. You will learn that once you are really married and both working toward a common goal that a woman isn't only there for you for "occasional sex and (having) a cute girl around".

Michele, thanks for the reply.

I did not mean that that is all I want from my girlfriend. I am very much in love with her and, although sex and physical attraction are a must, I value her in more ways than I can count. I'm just trying to get opinions on whether or not I will regret this type of relationship in the long run.

Thanks.

In a relationship it is ok to play the basic male/female roles, however there needs to be a mutual respect for one another. This is pertaining more to marriage, but you need to act as equal counterparts. It's so important to feel like she can lean on you, but in turn you can lean on her. It sounds like you enjoy taking care of your girlfriend, but you feel unappreciated... that is a problem. The two of you should be able to take care of each other in your roles and play off of each other good and bad traits. It sounds like your girlfriend takes you for granted and she isn't "holding up her end of the deal". This will definitlely present a problem in the future if your feelings of unsureness aren't resolved now. Have you communicated any of this to her?

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 2. I feel like I married him because it was the next logical step. I was in love with him when we married and things were great, but there are so many other componets to the equation. In my relationship the roles are slightly reversed from yours. I am extremely motivated and ready to take on the world. I have a great work ethic and have many goals I want to achieve in life. My husband is a lot more laid back and kind takes things as they come. It is quite frustrating to me!

It is important for a couple to see eye to eye and work toward the same common denominator while not losing sight of their individuality.

Well your ? basically boils down to "will I be happy in this relationship later on" and there's no way for anyone to answer that. That's the constant uncertainty that comes with any kind or relationship, whether or not both parties will continue to be interested in one another.

Me personally, I could care less what my partner's career aspirations are. It's just not a qualification for me.

The chances are that if you are questioning now whether your relationship will work given her attitudes that it will not work.

I think the fact that she is entirely dependent on your for HER happiness and her 'goals' (sorry, I don't see living off you and having you work so she can be a trophy wife (not even staying home for children, just for herself) is not a goal really) is likely going to end up being a source of resentment for you at some point.

It almost sounds like she does not have an identity of her own, I see you are both very young and have been together a long time - so I am not sure you KNOW different...I really don't know many couples like this honestly. I do know couples where the wife stays home with the KIDS, but even they had jobs and contributed to household finances before the children - it was then a mutual decision for one parent to stay home and raise the kids.

It would be one thing if she was going to school or something right now, but to just drift aimlessly and depend on you seems very..strange to me. It is not allowing her to be an equal.

What happens if you were to be unable to work for some reason - an accident or something, what then? What happens if you were layed off? What if you did find your "purpose" and it was something low paying...do you think she would stick around very long?

Whether you are happy with this situation or not only you can answer, maybe some would be. Most men I know personally prefer a woman who is complete and independent unto herself, someone who has made it on their own for a while, can do it by themselves, but chooses to join in a partnership with the person they love. I can't speak for you, but personally I am not sure I could be happy with someone who felt it was my respsonsibility to support them while they went to the gym everyday..it would feel less like a partnership and more like a parent/child relationship....I mean it would be one thing if you were having kids and she was staying home to take care of them but...hmm. You know, I work full time, my partner works full time, and we both still manage to pursue our passions of a very active, fit lifestyle and are in great shape...lol.

I also worry her own self esteem will crumble one day when she realizes how dependent she IS on you, or she will leave you if times are rough for someone else.

A relationship requires more than love to work - it needs mutual agremeent on goals, values, healthy communication and so on..if you both think this is great...well power to you I suppose. But you need to see if your goals DO match...if it is bothering you now, I am fairly suspicous you already know it is something that may bother you later.

have a proper discussion.

like what would happen if you (god forbid) had an accident and was paralysed. would she do.

a friend who is a great guy broke his back, with one of his flashy toys, and gf promptly dumped him, citing (rotten mole) that he could no longer afford her, after six years.

and seriously, staying home all day doing nothing but look good.. you could end up with a Jocelyn Wildenstein wannabe with a "pool cleaner", "gardener" and all sorts of handymen floating about.. do you really want to take the chance..

go for someone with actual goals. if you are questioning her now.. dude.. back it up and find a real friend and partner. not a leach

Thanks for all the replies, it is nice to get different perspectives on things.

I've been trying to encourage her lately to pursue some of the "dreams" that she talks about occasionally. It seems like she's starting to take an interest, now, and is working on a modeling career. I know, that fits right in with some of the replies about pool boys, etc, but I think it would be good for her.

I'm hoping that she'll stay motivated, as I assume that that is a rocky path to follow.

Anyway, thanks everyone!