Am I out of line?

Hey I need your input. All of you must be honest and no sugar coating!

This is different from anything else. Trust me on this .

Anyway,

I sent this email to a friend -well former now - to tell her point blank how she has been acting towards me and how she treated me in the past..

I also felt she has been a little insensitive to alot of things in the past.

But remember I sent out letters to explain to others how I really felt about their behavior towards me. That was a lesson to them too for screwing me over and stabbing me in the back when I was trying to help them.

I know this letter does not really solve anything and can severe all ties with good relationships, but I deserve peace too and this is my way of saying enough is enough.

I am quite grateful for her help as a friend but she can be a little self- centered too.

Others have acted as if they could take advantage of me, but now I am too swift to let them continue with their charade of lies and deceitfulness.

maybe I am being childish but if I am please let me know. I am 33 years old looking to find happiness and develop positive outlooks in life.

However, I refuse at this day and at my age to be anyone's doormat anymore.

here is the letter:

Comments and yeah if you think that Iam a buffoon for saying it writing and sending it. Then say so. Because this is how I feel.

Has anyone ever replied to any of these?

I noticed a ton of spelling and grammatical errors, but more importantly I think that letter is extremely inappropriate. First of all she is your friend, not a child you are disciplining, secondly to make it sound as if "everyone" thinks all of these things about her is mean and cowardly on your part, third to then say the subject is closed- to attack her like that and to try to not allow her to seek clarification or even defend herself, again cowardly!

This woman may be every thing you wrote in that email, but from the looks of what you sent her, you are not much better.

If you had wanted to address some issues with her, you would have done it person, allowing for discussion.

However, I refuse at this day and at my age to be anyone's doormat anymore.

and your email is much different than not being a door mat, you were being a sledghammer. When you decide not to be a doormat you don't need to hurt others, you just calmly decline to do the things you don't want to do anymore.

If I were your friend and got that email from you, I would never speak to you again.

I guess I did DN- haven't been here long enough to realize they were taboo

I've got to agree with punchy. I think that letter is totally out of line. There's no constructive criticism. There's no common courtesy much less the extra courtesy you'd extend to a friend. It's just a rant bashing this person for every little thing.

I meant has anyone ever replied to fantasia's letters to people (the recipients)

That letter will put her in the defensive mode. If you want to start a battle, that letter is a good beginning.

It would be much less effort to cut her out of your life. You may be able to shape or guide a child, but changing adults is often times too difficult to do, unless you have a background (I'm talking Ph.D) in psychology.

You would be better off burning this letter, and NC'ing her.

I meant has anyone ever replied to fantasia's letters to people (the recipients)

oh, again

Fantasia,

Telling someone HOW YOU FEEL will not make them want to re-examine how they feel.

Example:

I think that your avatar is ugly. The girl looks sleezy and you have poor taste.

Does that make you want to change your avatar? I doubt it.

Has anyone ever replied to any of these?

Only to one person in particular. I directed that letter towards.

Also agree with Punchy. If I received this I actually might laugh because my first thought would be "Okay. Definitely don't need someone like her in my life." The letter is far more of a negative reflection on you than on her. If she's got any sense, she won't respond at all because it's ridiculous.

I'm not trying to be harsh but you asked for candid feedback. This is really immature, particularly for a 33 year old. If by any chance you haven't sent it, I suggest you don't.

What I am interested in is why you seem to fall out with so many people who you were once friends with. Have you considered the possibility that the cause of some of these issues may lie with you and your attitude?

I know if I received something like that from a friend, I wouldn't talk to them ever again. Either that or I'd go into battle mode and take it upon myself to point out every single flaw they have with the same tone. At least if I replied right away anyway. If I calmed down first, I'd be the "bigger" person and wouldn't talk to you again.

I don't think that telling a friend if they're being a jerk is a bad thing, but tearing them apart with words isn't the way to do it. The letter was very aggressive and, to be blunt, damn mean. You could have said the same thing in neutral tones. For example"I know you have something to say, but I do to, it would be nice if you wouldn't interrupt me when I'm already talking" and so on and so forth.

Just my $0.02

DN-

Of course they have replied to my posts.

Ask Muneca or others what they have thought ....

Yes and when I am angry, the craziness of poorly written words does come out of me.

Well I do tend to be very confrontational towards others when I am put in that situation. I am that type. When you tell certain people in person as rough as I am . I do not believe in sugar coating the situation, I think you need to address it and be upfront with full force. No one should be offended by it. The worl d is a lot more cruel than what I wrote.

I can take constructive criticism. I enjoy people being honest with me when they have to explain my faults. But as far as I am concerned, I think it is better to tell them the truth without worrying about how to soften the blow.

I am not trying to hurt anyone else's feelings, and yes people I have been flamed and warned however you want to put it, by many moderators on my conduct on this site as well.

Listen, I know that I should have done this in a more respectful manner, but when you are that angry should you not be allowed to express yourself in a way that gets the message accross? Because , I had done this in person it would have been worse.

I have done this to my ex BF, to friends who have betrayed me, and family members.

I just became fed up.

Yes, I am brutal and that is the truth. I do not appreciate the idea of being criticized without the critics of me- take a good look inside of thesmselves and point out their own flaws.

Avman, that is how I see it. And to others, this is what I feel.

What I am interested in is why you seem to fall out with so many people who you were once friends with. Have you considered the possibility that the cause of some of these issues may lie with you and your attitude?

DN- you are perfectly right to question and come to that conclusion. I have and will continue to seek therapy to ask and find out why I am not being good to others who refuse to respect me. When I stood up for myself before, as an example, I was always responding to arguments by being loud, and belligerent as an effort to defend myself.

Now, I am trying to stop that because it seems to me that just wears you down and makes people not listen more. I am also telling you being cordial and quiet for others does not seem to work to get the message accross.

Are you still here with me on this ? I mean do you understand what I am saying now or is it not clear to you?

I mean for some reason I feel getting those people angry on purpose is the only way for them to see how serious I am. I just do not like to be taken adavtange of and also called a nice person.

Sounds a little sadistic doesn't it?

In Plain English. Little things that irritated me before that I never addresed because I was afraid to do so are coming out in a way that I fine easier to express.

I know it sounds and looks mean. I just don't like it when people choose to tell me off however they see fit and when I mouth off without the cursing and screaming it is percieved as wrong or people feel you are not entitled to expressing your anger.

Yes Dn- I sometimes probabaly severe these ties in relationships and treat people this way too by pushing them away to avoid being hurt.

Ok - well, you got it out of your system. I've written a similar e-mail...well...not quite that harsh, but I was pretty angry at the way I was being treated, and I know she was angry at me about something else. No, I never got a response back from her, but that is fine, because I didn't want anything else to do with her anymore.

I mean, yeah, she's not a kid, adults don't like being told to do this or that. I take it you don't want to be friends with her anymore, right? Sending something like this pretty much gaurantees you'll never hear from them again.

You can say what you like to people, within the bounds of the libel and slander laws, but I predict that if you continue to treat the people in your life as you have just demonstrated then you will soon reach a point at which there won't be anybody left in your life at all.

I know if I received something like that from a friend, I wouldn't talk to them ever again. Either that or I'd go into battle mode and take it upon myself to point out every single flaw they have with the same tone. At least if I replied right away anyway. If I calmed down first, I'd be the "bigger" person and wouldn't talk to you again.

 

I don't think that telling a friend if they're being a jerk is a bad thing, but tearing them apart with words isn't the way to do it. The letter was very aggressive and, to be blunt, damn mean. You could have said the same thing in neutral tones. For example"I know you have something to say, but I do to, it would be nice if you wouldn't interrupt me when I'm already talking" and so on and so forth.

 

Just my $0.02

Your 2 cents is greatly appreciated.

Yes but this is not about trading insults or being the bigger person(from a moral perspective).

This is about a person (who makes mistakes all the time and knows it) who feels she should have a right to tell people how she feels and what they did wrong and must own up to it. Because if you don't tell them the truth then they will feel like they have done nothing wrong. Some people need a slap in the face. I am sorry.

Letting go is the key, but being honest with them is something better too.

I don't think that telling a friend if they're being a jerk is a bad thing, but tearing them apart with words isn't the way to do it.

Trust me as I told DN- It would have been worse if it was in person.

 

I don't think that telling a friend if they're being a jerk is a bad thing, but tearing them apart with words isn't the way to do it.

 

Trust me as I told DN- It would have been worse if it was in person.

Claiming that a wrong or unwise action would have been worse under different circumstances does not justify or validate it.

You can say what you like to people, within the bounds of the libel and slander laws, but I predict that if you continue to treat the people in your life as you have just demonstrated then you will soon reach a point at which there won't be anybody left in your life at all.

I am aware of this DN. I am soo aware of this. I do not like any other way. I just don't like cuddling people where they can walk all over me. I have admitted to her my issues at hand as well.

Yes I know this.

And yet I still feel that I am not getting through to these people.

I just feel I deserve better.

well, if you feel that someone's mistreating you, just walk away and say goodbye forever, if you're really at your wit's end with them.

A whole group of people..... I'm glad you're in counseling to work this out.

What about your actions? What did you do that contributed to how they treated you? It is often said that we teach others how to treat us. How did you teach people to treat you?

If I received this I actually might laugh because my first thought would be "Okay. Definitely don't need someone like her in my life."

That's exactly how i would think as well.

I think there's one quote that you'll find useful

Think not what the country can do for you but what you can do for the country

Go read Emotional Intelligence, and all books related to this subject.

I think it is fine to address issues with people in your life, if you have thought them through and are sure that your complaints and concerns are valid.

But how you say something is as important as what you say. If you do it in the aggressive, demeaning and vicious way that you did, you won't get through to anybody. Ever. All they will do is dismiss your issues as ravings and/or be so hurt that they can't get past the insults to see where you are coming from.

It is not hypocritical to be diplomatic - especially if by being diplomatic you get what you want and preserve a friendship.

who said this quote?

"Diplomacy is the art of telling someone to go to hell and having them look forward to the trip."

who said this quote?

 

"Diplomacy is the art of telling someone to go to hell and having them look forward to the trip."

I am curious about that quote.