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Trouble with a friend.


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Okay, one the guys we hang out with has had a whole past of violence and a criminal record to back it up. At the moment he's clean of his past convictions and behavoir, but it wasnt until recently that me, and alot of other friends and people have noticed its starting to dawn back on him.

 

The other night when we were all out for drinks he was sort of just wasted and aggressive and we didnt take much notice until he starting playing up to people around him and trying to start something out of nothing. We stopped his attempts of violence and it took alot of us to calm him down and stop his aggressions. It's not only the knock up he started playing up with, he's also started using cocain and heroin drugs again and there's also been word around that he's sexually assaulted a girl he had a one off fling with.

 

It's gotten to the point where none of us are capable to stop him because he's pushing away to the point wher he only uses violence to communicate. During the day when he's sober he works and cant spare a minute for us to talk with him cause he basically doesnt care. Were more concern about the mess he's gunna get himself back into and the trouble hes gunna get involved in if he carries on this way and the efforts were putting in arnt helping. Is there any other way of getting help? His family such as older brothers and his father live out state and hes on his own out here. Its not just affecting us, its starting to pick up on my girlfriend who is refusing me to be around him after he drunkardly threw insults at her at an evening out. I spoke to him rationally about it because i knew it was the drink that caused himt to act so recklessly. Also family have become quite anxious about him.

 

Another thing is at the moment he's been dropped for raping a girl and he denies it. He states that she didnt say no or tell him to stop when it happened and that there was no violation or abuse involved in what happened. We dont know the girl who's involved, as she was just someone he met one night. None of us are set to believe anything at the moment but what he's getting into is serious.

 

What can we at least try to do here?

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What can we at least try to do here?

 

Stay away from him.

The guy sounds like either a loser or a psychopath. Obviously he has no respect for himself or anybody else and his anger is rooted in self-loathing and a sense of failure. Regardless, he's bad news. And unless he wants to get some serious psychiatric help (which you can suggest to him when he's sober) there isn't much you can do. The good news is that if he really is a rapist and a bully if he's doing heroin he wont be for much longer. I have seen what that stuff can do to the muscles and it ain't pretty. It almost seems to atrophy them. Every junkiee on that poison that I have met looked emaciated. Pretty soon the only thing he'll be able to do is vomit and gurgle on the street with burnt out eyes and skinny arms. He should immediately check himself into a clinic and get some methadone. It's the best remedy for heroin. And if you must help this guy, anger management courses are also sometimes effective.

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Look I know you want to help your friend, but there is nothing you can do. The only thing that could possibly help, as far as I can see, would be professional psychotherapy, anger management and/or drug rehabiliation. If you try to sit and "talk" to him, it will only fuel his anger and make things worse. He doesn't sound much like the talking type anyway. What you could do is have sort of an intervention type thing, just corner him and tell him that if he doesn't get some professional help, all of you will have no choice but to drop contact with him. If he really cares about you guys, he will consider how bad his problems have gotten for you to say that and hopefull try to help himself out.

 

As for the rape thing, I hate to tell you but the majority of rape/abuse claims are true- unless the girl is trying to get revenge on the guy for breaking up etc (and you said he only met her one night and didn't even know her, so I doubt this is the case). Maybe he himself didn't see it as rape. He says she didn't say no or tell him to stop. Well maybe she *couldn't*. If a girl is physically unable to say no- like sleeping, drunk, or passed out, it is still considered rape. Sex has to be consensual or it is rape. Maybe he doesn't see this or just doesn't want to fess up. But given what you have posted about him, I am sorry to say I believe it.

 

Just try the intervention thing. If it doesn't work, I think you need to really stop hanging out with him. He sounds destructive to all of your well-beings and your relationship with you girlfriend! This situation will not get better with time- only with professional help. Good luck!

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I agree with A Beautiful Disaster. What she suggests, about "cornering" him is called "creating a crisis" by a Drug Intervention Officer that I know. Most addicts (and this guy sounds like one) won't even think about quitting until they have hit rock bottom, or have a major crisis in their lives. A crisis usually involves things like losing a job, or a home; or a loved one or family member kicking them out. Since his family is far away, his friends may have to suffice. By the way, jail time also usually does the trick, but in this guy's case, it didn't appear to make an impression (?). If you're going to do this, here are a couple of friendly pointers:

 

DO IT WHILE HE'S SOBER. He's dangerous when he's drunk. I know you said he works a lot when sober, but fit it in somehow; otherwise, you risk injury (or worse).

 

Don't make it confrontational. Talk to him with an attitude of friendly concern. This is harder than it sounds, because if you come accross too gentle or caring, he'll just dismiss you; on the other hand, if you're too aggressive, he'll feel cornered and come out fighting.

 

Be prepared for any response. He may listen (we hope); he may ignore you; or he may get angry, and maybe attack. He may even break down and cry -- ok, maybe not. The point is to be emotionally ready for whatever response he might make, and act accordingly.

 

Suggest rehab first. Your friend sounds like an alcoholic (I can't tell about the other drugs from your posting). No amount of anger management therapy is going to work unless he's clean.

 

BE PREPARED TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON YOUR "THREAT". This is the hardest part. If all his friends decide that walking away from him en masse is the answer, then that is what has to happen if he doesn't toe the line. Everybody. All at once. Get gone, and stay gone. If you don't follow through then he will never listen to you again. Incidentally, this means that you should pick a threat that can be done. Don't threaten to horsewhip him into the next county, for example.

 

This is by no means an exhaustive list (the post would be intolerably long otherwise), just a few pointers. I suggest searching online or in a library for how to do an "intervention" (try the sections for alcoholism or substance abuse). Maybe even talk to a professional. Good luck, and keep us posted.

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