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The Sex Imperative


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Shy people, unconfident people, or those who have trouble with the opposite sex for whatever reason, often discuss their predicament in terms of not being able to find 'someone' or to 'being lonely'. But on a more basic level, what about sex? It's often seen as being 'shallow' to focus on the physical side, but none-the-less it exists and is a powerful drive in all animals, including humans, that is surpassed perhaps only by the need to eat and sleep. Yet for some people sex is not an option and has not or will not be part of their lives. Do people find that this is a heavy burden? Does it become an emotional issue and does it lead to other psychological problems? Are there people out there who have no trouble finding people to sleep with and cannot imagine what it is like to not be able to have that in their lives? Is this a male problem, in-so-much that women can get sex easily, whereas men can't? I'd like to hear people's opinions.

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interesting topic.

me personly ive been used to having a GF sense i was 15..so getting it hasnt really been a problem for me..but now im single..and dont have anyone to hrmm, do it with...but ya, i think its heathy to be single(i wont sleep with someone unless im with them) for a while...cause the sweet isnt really nearly as sweet without bitter, baby! although i wouldnt mind someone being interested in me..cause its been almost 5 months now.

 

I also think it much easier for girls to find a mate than it is for guys...probley like 10 times easier. Us guys have a bad rep..but i also feel that girls are just as bad, if not worse.

Anyways, sex isnt everything...i rather enjoy a good hug every now and then, more than sex sometimes.

-SC

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If I hadn't gotten yet when I reach 18, I think I'm going to see a prostitute. I can't believe how hard it is for one to get a girlfriend. And no, for me it's not about not meeting people or being shy - I converse easily, but can rarely get past nothing more than friendship and when I do it ends quickly before anything physical happens.

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corvidae,

 

I was perfectly serious. Sometimes the easy answer is the best one.

 

Well, I suspect Corvidae intended to discuss more elaborate alternatives to having no solid emotional attachments to a person, like so called "sex buddies". Prostitution is probably out of the question for him, as it is for me, because of the way prostitutes tend to associate with all sorts of criminals (I must mention, by the way, that the female friends with whom I have discussed this issue, also consider prostitution depressing). As to masturbation, of course it is nice, but one gets tired of it.

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Prostitutes: they'll love you no matter who you are.

 

Masturbation: I'm sure you know all about it.

 

Problems with that: Prostitues love the money, not you. So you are just as likely to end up with someone not into the act, which takes most of the fun right out of everything. And its not worth all the other problems (diseases, guilt, cost, etc.) As for the second one, maybe a temporary relief, but doesn't address the long term needs and would just get frustrating after awhile.

 

But back to the real issue. I think the shy, unconfident people are more likely to not care so much about sex. They don't see it as this powerful drive only surpassed by the need to eat and drink. Instead they connect it with an even more powerful drive, in my opinion the most powerful drive of all... to be loved and understood. I won't deny that we all have a sex drive and I'm sure it feels great. But some people don't see it as the vital necessity its made out to be. I don't think of it as shallow to think about the physical side, its just secondary to the greater need of being loved. That's why two people can have sex, it can feel great, and yet they can be unfullfilled after. The drive for love isn't being met, so the overall act diminishes.

 

Those who have trouble forming relationships with the opposite sex are more likely to see that. But that view tends to be in the minority, sadly. There are far too many people who live their lives not being able to imagine not having sex when they want to. And because of the differences in beliefs, this makes it even harder for the shy people since they aren't going to relate to and wouldn't want a relationship with someone like that.

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Solutions to this problem have been available since the beginning of time.

 

Prostitutes: they'll love you no matter who you are.

.

 

 

Prostitute!!! A serious suggestion was it! Honestly, I think women don't understand men one single bit. I could no more go and see a prostitute than I could remove one of my eyes with a spoon. If you don't have dignity and self-respect then you have nothing in this world. As for masturbation, well OBVIOUSLY, but it's not quite the same as sex is it!

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Just to elaborate, the reason I brought up this topic was because I was thinking about one of the other threads I had started about the so-called 'double standard'. It was a long thread, and it eventually got onto the subject of whether it was easier for women to 'get' men. Many women argued they had just as hard a time as men. But it struck me that the topic had actually gone far of course, because when we talk about the double standard, we are talking about sex. Not finding 'the one', or being loved and understood...we're talking about finding someone who wants to be with you however briefly. People on this forum often talk about only one kind of relationship, and that's the kind Shysoul keeps going on about, but there are many kinds out there. Ones that are bad but teach you things, ones that last only a little while but raise your self-esteem, ones that are wonderful but are never meant to be. They are part of the great flux that is life. So I just wanted to stop talking about 'finding the magic life-partner' and bring it down more to the gritty everyday getting it on with people level.

 

The way society is constructed a lot of people find themselves going years without contact (i.e. sex) with another person. Or maybe never. Humans weren't built for this by nature, and I think it can have serious repercussions on emotional health. So I suppose people faced with such problems develop strategies to cope (hobbies, religion, therapy?). OK, so, imagine you're in your mid-twenties and you look in a magic crystal ball and you learn you will never have sex again in your whole life. Well? How do you deal with this?

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Corvidae I am going through the exact same crap as you, except I'll admit that you have had to put up with six more years of it than I have.

 

I am going to see a prostitute when I turn 21 unless something changes. I do not see this as a reflection of my dignity or self-respect at all: rather it is an act of rebellion against a culture which rejected me. My dignity will still be 100% intact after it happens.

 

If your entire generation has rejected you, you no longer have to play by its rules. Do whatever you feel like doing, regardless of whether other people will think less of you. What do they know anyway.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Postscript: I always look forward to your threads. They are well-written and present a fresh and slightly unconventional perspective which always seems to strike a personal chord with me.

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Just to stick an opinion in:

 

I hope you aren't serious about seeing a prostitute. I assure you that seeing a hooker is a sure-fire way to shoot your digity out of the sky.

 

A real rebelion against the Fed up culture we live in would be to remain happy and content with yourself and who you are, reguardless of all the BS society feeds you and the ones around you.

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A real rebelion against the Fed up culture we live in would be to remain happy and content with yourself and who you are, reguardless of all the BS society feeds you and the ones around you.

 

That's a real rebellion. Don't play by society's rules or give into their pressures to do things. Make your own rules. Don't play there game, become a new game and make others play it. All going to a prostitute will say is that you gave into society's idea that you need to have sex and that something is wrong with you if you are a virgin. Don't do it. Change the rules to somethings wrong with you if you think you have to have sex. Be proud of who you are, no matter what anyone says.

 

Ones that are bad but teach you things, ones that last only a little while but raise your self-esteem, ones that are wonderful but are never meant to be. They are part of the great flux that is life. So I just wanted to stop talking about 'finding the magic life-partner' and bring it down more to the gritty everyday getting it on with people level.

 

I also mean those types of relationships as well. We have relationships with everyone we come accross, and they all have an impact in our lives. Some are smaller, some are smaller... but they all affect us. I know you are talking about romantic relationships, so I'll focus on them. Sex doesn't have to play a role in these either, and you can still get ever bit as much from them. I've learned this lesson very well recently, with a girl that raised my self-esteem, opened me to new possibilites, that was and still is wonderful, but which is sadly not meant to be. And sex was never once a concern of ours. I know other people who have had relationships in which sex didn't occur and they got much out of it. And when sex is brought into the equation, it adds a whole new dimension to the relationship which has its bad points in addition to the good. The nitty gritty is human relations/interaction. Where do you think the term relationship comes from, how people relate with one another. This can and often does involve sex, but thats still only part of the equation.

 

OK, so, imagine you're in your mid-twenties and you look in a magic crystal ball and you learn you will never have sex again in your whole life. Well? How do you deal with this?

 

Well, for starters I don't think the future is set in stone. So never say never. But going on a hypothetical, you just adjust. Humans weren't bult for alot of things but find ways to go on. Humans have two eyes from which to see, but people go blind. They adjust. People lose their hearing, but adjust. People lose their limbs, but adjust. The same with sex, people would adjust. And you do that by seeing that while these things were a part of you, they were not all you are. Who we are is not dependent upon some hormonal urges. Our sex drive may be part of us, but it is in no means the driving force its made out to be at times.

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I don't get this statement. What is the context of this statement. What are the bad points?

 

Take a trip to the sex and romance board and you'll get plenty of examples. People who aren't satisfied with their partners, people demanding new things to try despite the other person not being willing and letting that put a strain on their relationships, people who are feeling pressured into having sex with someone when they aren't ready or people who feel they need to have sex to keep a relationship, people's own insecurites about their, um, performance, even things like STD's or pregnancy.

 

Sex isn't all fun and games. There are all kinds of issues to consider. Yes, sex can be a pleasurable experience. But it can also be a bad one and can cause problems.

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With respect, I don't get that. All sorts of things cause problems in a relationship, finances, friends, values etc. etc. If you worry about problems occurring because of some action or activity you may as well never get into a relationship.

 

Every action has a reaction that is potentially positive or negative. I don't think anyone should ever advocate not having sex in a relationship because of the problems it might cause. The problems of not having sex in a relationship are likely to be far greater.

 

(and to put some context around that, of course I am talking about a romantic relationship between 2 consenting adults which I understand is the context of this thread).

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Every action has a reaction that is potentially positive or negative. I don't think anyone should ever advocate not having sex in a relationship because of the problems it might cause. The problems of not having sex in a relationship are likely to be far greater.

 

I'm not advocating not having sex because of potential problems. If two people agree to have sex, that is there decision. What I am saying is that a relationship does not HAVE to involve sex in order for it to work. Two people can have a perfectly happy, loving relationship in which both take alot from it, they break up because of other concerns, remain friends and have no bad feelings... and never does sex have to occur.

 

A lack of sex can cause problems yes. So can having sex. What I'm trying to point out is that sex isn't as vital as it seems to be made out to be. We are not just beings tied to our animal urges who have to have sex in our lives. People are perfectly capable of going years without sex, or even not having it ever again.

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Ok Shy, I can sort of see where you are coming from,

 

What I'm trying to point out is that sex isn't as vital as it seems to be made out to be. We are not just beings tied to our animal urges who have to have sex in our lives. People are perfectly capable of going years without sex, or even not having it ever again.

 

I think this is undoubtedly true but not in a relationship which was the context of your first post. Sex consumates a relationship and is probably the ultimate form of intimacy. A sexless romantic relationship is in no way as healthy as a sex filled one.

 

Forget about the emotional issues for a moment and think only of the health issues. there are countless medical studies with robust empirical evidence to show that a healthy sex life leads to a longer life. (not that I'm advocating that people have sex just so they will live longer but you know what I mean). Generally sex is a stress reliever, take the stress out of a relationship and again generally it will be healthier.

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Sex consumates a relationship and is probably the ultimate form of intimacy. A sexless romantic relationship is in no way as healthy as a sex filled one.

 

Not true. I agree that sex is the ultimate form of intimacy, which is why I personally don't plan on having sex until I'm married. If the person truly loves and cares about me, then they will not need to have sex before that. I think emotional and physical are linked, so you really have to talk about them together and not separate them. You can have sex, but no intimacy, and you can have intimacy without sex. Not having sex in the relationship can be just as healthy, maybe moreso. I was just talking about this with a girl and we both agreed that we could have a very healthy, intimate relationship without having sex.

 

Generally sex is a stress reliever, take the stress out of a relationship and again generally it will be healthier

 

Sex can also cause stress if it feels like an obligation. But as far as taking stress out there can be plenty of ways to do this. Try giving each other messages... intimate, sensual, and good at reliving stress. Try spending a night away with some other friends. There's plenty of things to do....

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Shy, you keep missing my point. Here is where I started from,

 

I know you are talking about romantic relationships, so I'll focus on them.

 

You cannot, cannot, cannot have a healthy romantic relationship without sex or the possibility of sex. I am not talking about waiting till your married (because then there is the anticipation of sex)or shool age sweetheart things. I am talking about two mature people in or planning to be in a long term relationship.

 

I would defy you to find me one relationship that lasted 5 plus years between 2 people over the age of 21 that had no sex involved.

 

Anyway, i don't want to hijack the thread so maybe we'll have to agree to disagree.

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I have to agree with Richgabe on this one, I think that sex is necessary for a healthy relationship, and if you find it's more a cause of problems then you both need to address the issue, possibly with professional help. I don't mean this in a rude way at all Shysoul, but I do often get the impression that your views are quite...er...original (unique?), and perhaps don't always reflect the general trend in feelings of your contemporaries. The 'need' for sex isn't just a societal pressure, but a biological one. Without delving into the genetic arguments, one could say that sex (or reproduction) is the single main goal of all organisms. Many animals (and humans ARE animals) risk death in order to breed. Sex is a fundamental part of the human condition, not something that you should see as something inflicted upon you by society. Your apparent lack of interest in sex, Shysoul, is interesting but I don't think it reflects the way 'most people' feel. NB (I'm aware that 'most people' is a generalisation, but sometimes generalisations are a useful shorthand and I'm sure you know what I mean).

 

I thank you for your comments arrowbee, but I wouldn't go to a prostitute and I hope you won't. You may gain physical release, but you'd lose self-respect and strength of character by degrading yourself and another person like that. In my opinion.

 

So. Anyone here coping with a sexless existence? Would you liken it to being blind or disabled in some way? What emotional or psychological mechanisms do you employ? Anyone turned to religion (at the risk of being blasphemous!!)? And women: how about we hear from some women. Or am I right in saying that this is a purely male problem?

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Saying this is purely a male problem is like saying that a woman doesn't have this problem because a man will have sex with any woman --as long as she is willing. Is this true?

 

Not necessarily. BUT most men's standards are much easier to meet than most women's standards.

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Saying this is purely a male problem is like saying that a woman doesn't have this problem because a man will have sex with any woman --as long as she is willing. Is this true?

 

Well now, that's somewhat of a loaded question... You've over-simplified the issue a bit, I don't mean that as a criticism, and I know you're asking not stating. So I'll try to give my two-penneth.

 

EDIT

 

I've changed my post because the original reply went off topic and was also quite, well, inflammatory. I don't want to get into a big debate over whether or not it is easier for women to get a relationship, but yes, it is MUCH easier for women to get sex. This is mainly to do with the fact that men do the chasing whereas women do the accepting. Women just need to accept a man. All women I've known, including one girl who was twice mistaken for a man, have had men chase them so it's not anything to do with looks. The fact is, men put all the effort in and thereforeeee can't afford to be fussy. A man who approaches you might have been rejected ten times that month already, so he's not going to turn you down given that he's approached you in the first place. If he really wasn't at all interested he wouldn't have approached you, and since women never approach the reverse is never an issue. So you say any woman, but the man would have to have approached in the first place, and if he's been rejected the last two dozen times he's unlikely to make high demands.

 

Speaking personally, because women have treated my like a diseased fungus my entire life, if someone actually asked me out or even showed a little interest I'd be bowled over! So, like most men, I'd take what I can get. This doesn't make me shallow, it's just, like most men, I'm a begger and I can't choose.

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The "problem" of a lack of sex is not at all restricted to men. I went trawling around on the 'Net one day looking for magical solutions and found exactly one site and one scholarly article on the subject. A search for "involuntary celibacy" should probably pull them up.

 

Let's see...to answer the original questions....

 

Yes, in many ways it is a heavy burden because yes, it is either the cause or the effect of psychological problems. Yes, I know people that can get random sex whenever they want it. Involuntary celibacy strikes both sexes. I suppose any strategies I have to cope include throwing myself needlessly into work or withdrawing into myself (ie helping to perpetuate the problem).

 

I'm in my mid-twenties. I'm approaching the ball and I see...life carrying on as per norm.

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