I am really scared! I need to tell this to someone.

I dont know if you enjoy readin... but their is a great book called Why Does He Do That, Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Lundy Bancroft is the author. This will educate you on what you went through, why he is the way he is, the signs of someone who is actually aware of what he did and seeking help. Alot of great information to help you sort things out.

Yes this book has been suggested to me by a ton of people lately, along with "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by. . . somebody Evans I believe. I think I'll look into both to make sure I don't fall back into his same trap again. Thanks a lot!

i dont think you should meet him yet

hang in there, let us know what's up

Beautifull Disaster, judging by your short response, I am taking a guess that you met him..... and that he's breaking through the armour you worked so hard to put around yourself. I really really hope this did not happen, and that you are still working on your new life, and you did not let this guy back in. PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS NOT SO

Run... don't look back... Run... leave him as quickly as you possibly can.

He has been abusive to you already. He is verbally manipulating you. He is verbally assaulting you. He is controlling. If you leave him he'll go crazy???? Thats abuse. No one has the right to tie you down anywhere girlfriend.. his little speaches about violence and how some people deserve it... oh yeahh... big time red flags. Thoughts about RAPE and VIOLATING you or someone else... big big red flag.

RUN.

You feel scared??? You should be. Listen to your gut instinct. That little tell tale scared feeling... its a flight/fight response... its your alert system telling you "something is very very wrong".

He hasn't hit you but he's thrown you on the bed, bruised you once, and forces you to "submit" so you can't run away or move..... BIG RED FLAG.

This is not the man for you. You can not fix him. You can not save him. You can not change him. RUN.

Beautiful,

Now I'm concerned..... You haven't been on but briefly for awhile now....I wonder if SonJam is right.... and you went back to him in spite of everything.....

Please let us know what's going on......

Are you OK???

Sorry I haven't posted. I've had a really bad week, guys. My mom lost her job. I've been working full time and we're having some serious legal trouble with an old landlord of ours. I appreciate the concern (it feels really nice to have someone that cares), but DO NOT worry about me. I'm okay !! I'll try to post more later this week. . .

Sorry I haven't posted. I've had a really bad week, guys. My mom lost her job. I've been working full time and we're having some serious legal trouble with an old landlord of ours. I appreciate the concern (it feels really nice to have someone that cares), but DO NOT worry about me. I'm okay !! I'll try to post more later this week. . .

 

Sorry to hear all that beautiful, take care of yourself and your mom, and I hope things look up for you soon. Stay strong, we are all hoping the best for you I am sure!

 

Please keep us updated, and give your mom a hug too.

 

I hope the legal issues work out too for the best.

Beautiful,

I'm sorry to hear that! Sounds like a tough week indeed.

Agreed with RayKay, Give your mom a big hug and hang in there, hopefully things will clear up soon.

Hang in there and stay strong!

Keep us updated when you can, we do care!

Just wanted to see how you were doing, and if things had improved on your end?

and.... to find out if you are managing to stay away from your ex??

Hey Hope, thanks for asking. Yeah things have improved slightly, but it's all still kind of stressful around here. My mom has stopped going through her "poor me" phase, which is always a plus.

I saw him at a 4th of July party yesterday. But yeah, I think I am doing okay in that department. He seems okay too, which makes me happy. I am still communicating with him a little, and he seems a lot better (I know what you guys will say- that he isn't different and all that. lol. but I see what I see, and I see that he has made a lot of improvements- though I won't take any chances this time. I know he has put on this facade of "betterness" for me in the past ). I haven't been feeling lonely lately at all, which is good. So no going back to that scene before. . . nope. I like to think I am a little stronger than that now. And everyone's been really supportive throughout this ordeal. I just go to my best friend or my parents if I am feeling weak and wanting to go back to him. Anyway, we spoke briefly about his counselling. He's pretty closed off about it- just says it's going fine. I don't know. He only has one session left.

I've been trying not to think about him much. Instead I am thinking about this really hot guy at work that I can't help but flirt with. Lol. He seems normal. Wow could it be that I have found a guy that isn't a psycho? Haha. Anyway, maybe it will blossom into something, maybe not. I think I'll just take it easy for awhile and work on my novel. Relationships get too complicated. . . Well it's getting late and I better go to bed. I'll continue to keep you guys updated. Thanks for the support!

Beautifull, I found this on a website, and just to strenthen your resolve I'm going to post it here, for you and others in this situation.

Profile of a Domestic Abuser

The first thing to know about any abuser is that he is a normal man. There is nothing unusual about him, nothing to indicate he is an abuser.

Every abuser believes he has a right to control a woman. Their need to control is far greater than his capacity for love of the woman or the children.

Abusers don't forget about their abuse, they just deny it.

Abusers minimize the impact and effect of their abuse. They make it less than it is which makes us feel that we are over reacting.

Abusers blame their partner for their abuse. They may blame alcohol, drugs, their parents, their job anything but themselves to justify their behavior.

Abusers tend to associate with other abusive men. They invite support for their abuse from other people.

Beliefs of Abusers

1. Anger causes violence!

2. Women are manipulative!

3. If I don't control her, she'll control me!

4. Smashing things isn't abusive, it's venting!

5. Sometimes there's no alternative to violence!

6. Women are just as abusive as men!

7. Women want to be dominated by men!

8. Somebody has to be in charge!

9. Jealousy is natural to men!

10. Violence is a breakdown in communications!

11. Men can't change if women won't!

Just how dangerous is he?

* If he threatens to kill you, himself, your family, accept the fact that if he gets desperate enough, he just might.

* Does he ever fantasize or 'joke' about killing you, himself or a family member? The more often he fantasizes or the more evolved and thought out the fantasy is, the more likely he is to act it out.

* Is he depressed? If he becomes acutely depressed, to the point he feels there is no point in living (for anyone) Watch out!

* Is he a drug user? If he gets drunk or high and then starts to fantasize about killing, he is more likely to do it.

* How is his temper? Does he fly off into terrifying rages?

* Does he have a gun or other weapon? Has he threatened to use it against you? Access to a weapon while drunk, high or simply enraged could prove lethal.

* Is he obsessively jealous or controlling? Does he view you as his property? This kind of person will not let go easily and is likely to harass, stalk and threaten you after you have left.

* Is he cruel to pets, siblings? If so consider he feels it's OK to abuser those he deems weaker than himself. That includes you.

* If any of the above apply to your situation, call your local crisis center TODAY.

article found on link removed

Thankyou for sharing that SonJam, I think it is good for everyone to see it.

BD,

Did you notice how many things on Sonjam's list matched your ex? The fantasies, the depression, the control....thank God you got out when you did.

You know that we are going to say he hasn't changed because he hasn't. It's been what, a month? These types of changes take months and sometimes years. not 5 or 6 counselling sessions.

You say his counselling is ending.... he should be in therapy for a long time. This is not something that just goes away after a few counselling sessions.

Yes, you saw what you saw, him, keeping himself under control and presenting you with a facade for a few hours. "See how good I am now? See how wrong you were?" I don't think so. It took him awhile to get into the controlling, abusive pattern he is in, it's going to take alot more to get out of it. It's easy to keep it under wraps for such a short period of time, maybe even a week or two, but you can bet his insecurities would rise up and take over again, and he would control you with fear and manipulation the minute you went back to him.

These guys don't change overnight, or in a month, if ever.

I'm glad that you are being strong and turning to friends and family when you feel weak.

Bravo for turning you attention to someone new at work as well! Learn from him how a woman should be treated.

I hope you can continue to be strong, and I am proud of you for staying away. Keep up with your novel, and great job!!

Wow, I don't know if you guys even remember me or not! lol. It has been months since I posted on here. I just thought I should give an update because I remember how helpful everyone was to me, and I appreciate that so much. I don't want anyone thinking I just died or dropped off the face of the earth, because I haven't!

I'm in college now, on Christmas break. Me and my boyfriend are still no longer together. After I posted here for the last time, we did get back together. Yeah, I know, I know. It was stupid. I knew it was stupid. But it only lasted about a month. This time things went from bad to worse in a much shorter time frame. Just before school started, he "broke up" with me, and I said "that's a great idea!" Apparently he hadn't expected me to say this, so he tried to get me back and all of that. I know he only said he was breaking up with me to manipulate me into doing what he wanted, but I took it as my chance to leave for good.

He still calls me. And emails me. And makes every attempt in the world to see me and have contact with me. And sometimes I get really lonely and I want to go back. But I haven't. We broke up in August officially. It's now January, and I am still single.

I am starting counselling next semester. This is mostly for my parent's alcoholism and the problems I have with that, but I'm going to at least mention this. Because it still bothers me. I feel really worthless sometimes, like the only person who ever loved me only wanted me around for sex. And what if that's how it is forever? It hurts really bad, because I loved him and I just don't understand why he couldn't love me for who I am. I try not to think about this situation very much, because apparently it still hurts. Reading over these old posts made me remember it all, and I feel like crying now.

I met a guy this year, named Sean, who I liked, and he liked me. But I just brushed him off after awhile. I don't know why we didn't date. It was like I couldn't. And he assumed I just wasn't into him, so he stopped calling. And I just feel like there won't be many more chances for me. But at the same time, I had such a hard time even talking to him. I just kept thinkig, "if only he knew who I really was. maybe if he found out, he would agree with my ex-boyfriend that I'm too much trouble."

Anyway, I think like that sometimes. But all and all I am doing better. This site literally saved my life I think. I would have been with him forever if I hadn't written that post and if you guys hadn't put up with all my defending him until the end. I feel certain that I would still be with him now. So thank you. Just wanted to give an update and say happy new year!

Hey Girl!

I'm so glad you came back to update us. I was wondering what had happened to you.

Sometimes we need to fall a time or two more before we finally can get up and take back our lives and it sounds like you really have.

I think counseling is a very good idea, you have some things you need to work through and some self esteem issues that it will do you good to sort out.

I hope you will come back from time to time and let us know how you are doing, and I am very proud of you for staying away from your ex.

You saved your own life. We only confirmed what you thought, anyway.