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Thread: I am really scared! I need to tell this to someone.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
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    This is a serious issue, and the fact he does not even seem to comprehend why it may upset you is even worse.

    This is about control, and he is doing it right now to you through fear.

    Tell your family and friends you are leaving him, I would make sure one of them is nearby, or you are in a very public place when you break it off with him (which I hope you do). Do not be alone with him.

    If you stay, I fear what he said WILL come true, and he will then say "well, I told you about it" and turn the blame onto you.

    No one who loves their partner would EVER think of this, or want to treat their partner like this. He does not love you, that is not true love.

    And do NOT in any case marry someone who just wants to do it so you will sleep with them...ugh.


    This reminded me of Paul Bernardo/Karla Homolka murderers - Paul did not like that Karla was not a virgin when they got married, so he had her get him girls (including her younger sister) whom were so he could rape them, and at LEAST three of them were murdered (there may be more). Sick sick, but he manipulated and controlled her with sex....

  2. #12
    Platinum Member chai714's Avatar
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    It sounds like your boyfriend is insecure with himself and does not have much control in his own life. This is exactly why his rape fantasy is in his head - he wants control over someone or something because he lacks control of his own life. This is the psychology of rapists at work here - it's not about sex, but control.

    It sounds like he does not respect your values/morals. A big part of being in a relationship is having shared values. He will either have to respect your values of saving your virginity until marriage, or go elsewhere. Don't allow him to make you feel bad. You did the right thing by sticking up for yourself and should feel proud.

    You'll soon figure out though, that if he does not or will not appreciate your values then your relationship will continue to worsen. Do not allow him to manipulate you. You're in control of your own body. If he thinks otherwise, or if you have ANY amount of fear of him - break up with him and do it in a public place.

  3. #13
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    Thanks everyone for reading this and being supportive. I wrote this at two am last night when I was really freaking out. Someone asked if he came from an abusive background- yes and no. His father raped his mother (which is part of the reason I am so uneasy about what he tells me) and he has always been emotionally abusive to her, but never violent.

    I know I need to leave him. I have known for the better part of five months that he does not love me anymore, and maybe never did. This is a really hard thing for me to accept, because he is always saying that he loves me, yet he says terrible things so I am always confused. I don't know what he is trying to do. He says over and over that he respects my moral and religious beliefs, but then he pulls something like he did last night! He has manipulated me in the past, so I guess he thinks he can do it now too and get me to have sex with him. But he doesn't understand that this is my *religion*. I am not going to give it up because he is whining about it!

    And in reply to Napoleon Bonaparte's question about the violence thing: No, he was not talking about me. He tells me constantly that some people, most people (besides me and a few others), could not possibly have souls or exist (he has a thing about deciding things for other people, like whether they are "real" or not- he sees most people as not real because he hates just about everyone) so violence is the only way to get the message accross to these "not real" people who "don't have souls"!

    Anyway, the obvious answer is to leave. But leaving him not only seems hard, but impossible. For one thing, I feel as though I need him, the worse he becomes. I do not know why I feel like this, but I feel like I can't live without him. When we were first dating, I had a lot of self confidence and independance, but now it's like he's taken all that away! He tells me that he thinks I couldn't live without him, and I am starting to believe it. Is there a way I can detach myself from him slowly? Leaving him outright would be dangerous, on more levels than one. And I feel like to truly stay away from him for good, I will need to detach myself from my feelings for him. He is going through a terrible time, and I am afraid of what he will do to himself if I leave. He has put me in a terrible position. His mother is forcing him to get counseling, so I keep hoping that maybe that will help! But if it doesn't, I need to leave. Either way, I have to detach myself just in case. Is there any way to do this???

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Hope75's Avatar
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    I hate to tell you, sweetheart, but his father raping his mother is most certainly violence.

    You need to get away from him now. None of this weaning off him and breaking away slowly. How old are you? Regardless, tell your friends and your family what is going on. Contact the police and tell them what he's said and that you are afraid of him and want to break it off. They may be able to send a police escort with you to break it off, but they should at least be aware of the situation so they can be ready to jump should you need them.

    Honey, this is really scary behaviour. I was involved with an abusive bf for 5 years and what your bf is doing to you is exactly how my bf started with me. He broke me down to make me think I was worth nothing and he made me afraid to talk to friends and family about it, he told me I was the only thing he had in his life and if I left he would kill himself.

    Your bf is manipulating you in very much the same way. You need to get out and now. This is really dangerous, and if you don't act on your gut intuition which is telling you this is very wrong, you could be in worse shape then you are now.

    Someone brought up a good point about Paul Bernardo & Karla Homolka, he broke her will down and by the end of that whole nightmare she had drugged her sister and let her then fiance rape her and then her sister died. It was so sick and it started out with rape fantasies, just like your bf is telling you he has now.

    GET OUT.


    I cannot stress this enough. GET OUT NOW.

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  6. #15
    Gold Member DragonGirl724's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Dragongirl724
    we all here fear for your life. dont keep us worrying. i suggest breaking it off over the phone, and dont call from your home. when you DO MAKE THE CALL, dont break down. be strong! LET HIM HAVE IT! NO IFs ANDs OR BUTs!! DONT LISTEN TO ANY OF HIS REASONINGS, PLEADS, OR EXCUSES!!! JUST SAY YOUR PIECE AND HANG UP!! DITCH THIS PSYCHO!!!

    -DG724
    im appauled at you "compromising"...

    head youre opening willing to accept verbal abuse from this guy. dont say we didnt warn you.

    GOODLUCK is all i have left to say....

    -DG724

  7. #16
    Member Strandysmommy's Avatar
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    You say all this stuff about not being able to live without him...well, I hate to break it to ya, but you won't be living too long with him either. He'll kill you. He is a bad man, HE would certainly know about people with no souls because he also has none. Get out of this relationship, he doesn't even respect the fact that this kind of talk bothers you. That's reason enough. Get a restraining order and some pepper spray.

  8. #17
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    First off: In reply to the question of how old I am- I am nineteen and he is eighteen.

    Second: You guys have all made me think really hard about what I need to do, and I am closer, I think, to actually doing it than I ever have been before! I have planned out what I need to say, and I think I will do this over the phone so I can hang up when he starts crying and guilt-tripping me (which he always does when I ask for a few days apart). I have also thought about switching to the day-schedule at my job (we have to work at the same place, and we have to work the same hours or else he can't handle me having a job and not seeing him). So I think that can be arranged if I tell my boss what is going on.

    I know I sound pathetic for being with this guy, for staying with him, for loving him. But I can't control what I feel. It wasn't until it had gotten really bad that I realized I was emotionally stuck to him. But I know that he does not love me, and it's really bad that we have only been together a year! I can just imagine how it will be if we marry!

    My family knows part of the story, but I have not told them everything. I have just told them the not-so-bad stuff (like having to work at the same job, having to be together all the time, his moodswings), and they suggested a restraining order! So I know they overreact. I haven't told them about the rape thing because they would go crazy and I don't want to think about what my boyfriend would do if he found out I told them. I think I really need to do this by myself. My boyfriend hates my family anyway, and he would try to manipulate me by saying they are poisoning my mind against him (something he has already said on numerous occasions).

    My best friend knows the whole story, but she has fallen away from me and doesn't really talk to me anymore because she is so angry with me that I have not left him yet. I understand her frustration, but she can't understand mine (I don't expect her to, by any means). So my outside support is kind of limited. But I think I can do this by myself. The first step I will take is talking to my boss today about switching schedules. After that, I will (hopefully) be able to drop the bomb, if I don't chicken out! Thanks so much everyone, and wish me luck! (I will need it!)

  9. #18
    Gold Member DragonGirl724's Avatar
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    goodluck, and you better not chicken out.

    him saying your family is 'poisoning your mind' is a method of him to isolate you from those around you who are trying to protect you from predators like him. he knows what hes doing. dont fall for his BS!

    get it done. be strong.

    -DG724

  10. #19
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    Obviously he will tell someone that they have been fantasizing about raping them suffers from some severe mental / emotional problems. I think you should leave him, and recommend to him that he get some counselling.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Hope75's Avatar
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    we have to work the same hours or else he can't handle me having a job and not seeing him). So I think that can be arranged if I tell my boss what is going on.
    God, this is terrible. I hope you see where this is going. This guy is really scary and controlling. You need to get away from him NOW.

    I know I sound pathetic for being with this guy, for staying with him, for loving him. But I can't control what I feel. It wasn't until it had gotten really bad that I realized I was emotionally stuck to him. But I know that he does not love me, and it's really bad that we have only been together a year! I can just imagine how it will be if we marry!
    You may not be able to control how you feel but you can control what you do about this. You need to get away from him. Being in love doesn't necessarily mean that you should be with that person, esp. when he is as dangerous and controlling at your bf is.
    My family knows part of the story, but I have not told them everything. I have just told them the not-so-bad stuff (like having to work at the same job, having to be together all the time, his moodswings), and they suggested a restraining order! So I know they overreacting

    Your parents are absoloutely not overreacting.
    These things that you have let thim in on are cardinal signs of a pattern of behavior that leads to abuse. I suspect they know more than you let on, anyway. On the other end is your bf trying to poison your mind against your family because he knows that if they knew what was really going on they would flip, and with good reason!

    This is seriously very dangerous. The more you talk about it the worse it gets. Your own best friend can't even handle dealing with you anymore because you won't leave this guy. These are all people who really care about you. Do you see a pattern here? Everyone is telling you how dangerous he is and you need to get away from him ASAP.

    We are not telling you to be mean. We are telling you because we have seen this before, and it is never good.

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