Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: I'm crazy and swear i am wrecking my relationship

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Posts
    55

    I'm crazy and swear i am wrecking my relationship

    I have been going out with my great boyfriend for 15 months. We have had our ups and downs but never anything major and are totally in love. He buys me flowers and does the sweetest things for me and is always happy for me when I get invited to great places with my friends or do well at work or get lucky with stuff.

    I, on the otherhand, get paranoid when he gets invited places without me and has fun without me. I worry that he doesn't love me as much anymore. When he goes to parties or barbeques and I can't come I get jealous that he is having fun and spending time talking to girls and laughing without me. I feel so crazy and stupid. Surely I should be happy that he is happy? I can't understand why I am like this.

    We have started arguing about how much time we spend together now and I get moody when he goes ot his friends houses. I know its stupid but I keep doing it. He has just got a car and started visiting his friends and going places without me. before we would go together because i had a car. now he has one, I feel like he used me before. We still do lots of stuff together but his friends recently seem to come first. Is this normal when you have been going out for a longer time? I play things down now and say we porbably won't last and we'll end up with other people and this hurts him. he says he wants to stay with me for awlays, get married have kids etc etc. So why do I still get insanely jealous and angry when he goes to his friends houses? Why do I hate the idea of him having a good time without me.

    An example of this is we went to the oark the other day for about four hours. As we were leaving he saud he was going to his friends house thta night and i instantly got mad, felt left out and wondered why he didn't want to spend the evening with me. We left with hin saying he loved me and would spend thurday day and evening with me. So am I being silly and paranoid? Please can someone pinpoint why i am feeling jealous and how I can solve this?

    Background on me. I am 25, have agreat job and great friends, so can't understand why I have these insane feelings, which I know are insane!

  2. #2
    Member ms anthrope's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    mcallen tx
    Age
    47
    Posts
    15
    youre prob really jealous because youre insecure. you prob need a lot of reassurances that your bf does indeed love you and that he is trustworthy. i understand feeling this way but you may need to try harder to keep yourself in check and not go overboard. i have also seen relationships fizzle because the other person was just too jealous. this DID cause the other person to seek out others because the jealousy was too much. it was like because she was so insecure and paranoid her bf did eventually leave her. he later told her it was because she pushed him to another.

    maybe he just used that as an excuse also. it's just ive also heard that excuse several times and so i wonder how much truth is in it. anybody else heard this?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Houston
    Age
    41
    Posts
    2,981
    Gender
    Male
    This is not you being jealous, this is a change in his behavior and you are curious and have feelings about the way he is behaving.

    My suggestion to you ask him why he is all of a sudden leaving you out of things, and to tell him how you feel.

  4. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    packerland
    Posts
    266
    and please please please get a life and some interests and activities outside of your boyfriend, that will really help your situation

  5.  

  6. #5
    Silver Member freeindeed's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Dallas, TX
    Age
    38
    Posts
    554
    Gender
    Female
    I can completely identify with your situation. When we go out somewhere during the day (and have a great time) I always assume that since we're having fun, why not just spend the remainder of the day together. So when he'd suggest that we go pick up his friends or that he wants to "get stuff done" (meaning his alone time), I'm always kinda shocked. In my mind I'm thinking "Am I not good enough to hang out with for a whole day? Don't I satisfy you? Didn't you have fun with me?" And then I start to become paranoid...and that's when I fight will start.

    Unfortunately, this is probably a deeply rooted personality trait in you. It's insecurity, jealousy, and envy...and it's definitely a relationship killer ( I know firsthand). I, too, would get jealous if my boyfriend was having fun without me...just the thought of some other girl possibly making him laugh would make my blood boil. But I'm taking ahold of those feelings now, I don't jump right from my thoughts into accusing, or getting upset, I actually take the time to think about it rationally.

    Men and women are just so different. Each individual is so different, but i think in relationship women generally tend to be more needy, as you might be feeling right now. You need him to hang out with you all the time, you need him to be there, you need him to be loyal to you and only you. Right now you need him to make you feel secure about you. Isn't it crazy how we can be so independent (have good jobs, good friends, a good life) yet we can become so clingy and dependent on another person? I know, this scared me too when I first began dealing with it. I'm definitely not a relationship expert, but I understand what you're going through, and if you ever want to pm me, feel free.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Hope75's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    kitteh ville
    Age
    43
    Posts
    12,743
    Gender
    Female
    he says he wants to stay with me for awlays, get married have kids etc etc.
    An example of this is we went to the oark the other day for about four hours.
    He buys me flowers and does the sweetest things for me and is always happy for me when I get invited to great places with my friends or do well at work or get lucky with stuff.
    Your guy is telling you over and over that he wants to be with you and that he loves you. Why don't you trust that? Has he ever given you a reason not to?

    It sounds like you have some growing up to do. Your bf is spending alot of time with you, and he also has a right to spend time without you, with his friends. He just got the car, and so is experiencing a new freedom and probably enjoying not having to depend on you for transportation, and now he has the ability to get around and see friends without you always being there.

    This does not mean he does not love you, or loves you any less because he goes out and also has fun with friends, just as he does when he is with you.

    Part of a healthy relationship is having different interests, and spending time apart and bonding with friends outside of coupledom. It fulfulls other area of your lives and makes you feel more complete as a person, and that makes you a better partner for someone.

    Don't you enjoy spending time with your friends? Does he always need to be there?

    I think you are way overreacting, have some insecurity issues you need to work on, and you need to relax and accept that he is in love with you and is proving it though words and actions.

    If you don't chill and find your own interests outside of the relationship and let him have his, you are going to smother him and sabotage the relationship.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Houston
    Age
    41
    Posts
    2,981
    Gender
    Male
    Has he always been this way or has this been happening recently?

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Atlanta, GA
    Age
    39
    Posts
    121
    Your feelings of jealousy could be caused by several different factors, so I think you should try to figure out what's causing them. Overall, are you satisfied with the amount of time you spend together? If you went from spending a great deal of time together to spending much less time together, it's completely normal to feel hurt or excluded. Do you feel that he's hiding things from you? Is your primary concern the fact that he didn't do this before, but now he is?

    I had this problem over a year ago, but it's not a problem for me anymore. For me, the issue was that my boyfriend started going out with his friends 5+ times a week when he hadn't gone out with them more than once a week (usually even less often) for the first few years of our relationship. Also, I felt left out because he wasn't open about his activities with his friends - I was hurt by the fact that he'd casually mention something he had done weeks or months before and I had never even heard about it before. I felt that I was being excluded from an entirely new aspect of his life.

    Things are much better for me now. I can't even remember the last time I had that instant, nagging feeling of annoyance upon hearing he was going out with his friends. In fact, my b/f is out with one of his friends right now and it doesn't bother me one bit!

    Several factors contributed to me feeling better. First of all, we've been living together for almost a year now. No matter what he does, I know that it's me that he's coming home to, and that helps a lot. Also, he's a lot more open about his activities - I no longer feel that it's a part of his life that completely excludes me; it's just something he does without me sometimes, like work, and we talk about it later. Although he has even more friends now than he did when this was a problem for me, he really doesn't spend as much time with them as he did when this bothered me. While he may see his friends several times a week some weeks, other weeks he may only see them once. And finally, and probably most importantly, we now spend much more time together (since we're living together), so I no longer feel neglected. I can see him as much as I want and still have plenty of my own "alone" or "with friends" time.

    That's probably more than you wanted to know, but the point is that it can get better with time. It's great that you recognize that this is a problem with you rather than starting silly arguments in which you blame him. Now it's time for you to try to figure out exactly what bothers you about him going out with his friends and work on fixing that. Good luck!!

  10. #9
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Posts
    55
    Thank you all of you for the great advice. It all rings very true. Alleycat, you are definitely right! iceman, it has beena fairly recent thing that he has seen more of his friends than he used to. However when we first started going out, maybe he also did but it didn't bother me so much because it was still casual. Now we are serious I guess on top of jealosy Ialso feel a bit used that i seem to come last on his list of things to do. I don't wnat to be a wet doormat but at the same time I don't want to make myself unavailable when i really do want to see him.
    He says he feels very secure in our relationship and he knows he is serious about me etc etc. he says I obviously don't feel as secure becasue I get annoyed when he goes out without me.

    However, what i think I am annoyed about is that he used to make a lot more effort with me than he does now! But perhaps that is what happens after a longer period of going out together.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Houston
    Age
    41
    Posts
    2,981
    Gender
    Male
    Sounds like he may be taking you for granted a little bit as well

    Well, then my advice would be to make yourself more "unavailable" to him, because thats what he is taking for granted; the fact that you are there at his beck and call.

    Go out with your friends more. I'll bet that will make him realize that you aren't just going to sit around and wait for him if he wants to go out and party.

    He'll change his routine pretty quick if you do that.


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •