I think it is time for me to write a goodbye note

I have been here before and see everything is caving in. Well it is. I am have tried to keep a positive outlook and it is not happening. I am at a critical stage with financial that I don;t know what to do.

First of all it had to do with my job in the last 2 months who is screwing me around with my wages and then minium wage and now to commission. IT is hard to live on commission. This is where the financial problem comes in and it is near about as low it can get. Sure there is another problem of relationship but right now the main 2 is the biggest thing.

I have been looking at temp agencies and been on interviews and it is a waiting game. I am even so desperate that if I go to walmart or a another store I am overqualified etc. Nothing is working for me anymore. Sure everybody thinks it is easy to get a job and it is not. I have tried to keep my head up on all of this and it is not happening.

Do I have someone to talk to. Right now no one wants to listen to me or be around me. Everybody I have heard I need to change my thinking but that is impossible when you are not going to have money.

Is leaving the earth the answer. Well writing a good bye note to people who I know will understand then including my ex and how bad it is has gotten. Then they will have no idea how I felt until it is too late. They would not have been able to change it either.

Sure I have heard it all, other people have it far worse etc. and it will get better. Last time I was thinking of this was in the year 2000 in Oct and was going to end it in 2001 in Jan, but instead it did not happen.

Right now it seems I might just as well be done. There is a lake I go to and just sit there and think since I cannot swim well there will be no one to save me, or sometime just want to take my vehicle and run away from here and see where it takes me.

Is there a point in trying to feel good when you have the triple effect? I doubt it. Heck when the company took away my health insurance it makes it tougher now. This is why some people go postal when they get mad or angry but take it out on other people but me, No I will not hurt anyone, only myself.

But the more I am writing this I think the better it is time for me to start writing my good bye note. This way I would not have to feel the pain I am in anymore, people then can come after me for money and the relationship well, it will be the ex;s loss. Yeah I know the ex will feel different after that but hey I will not have to hear it.

THe tears keep coming and coming and it gets harder to go to work where I have been unhappy. Don;t get me wrong about me being a hard worker but when you have been dwindled to commission it takes a toll on you.

So am I venting. Maybe, but I am thinking of setting a date till end of May but who knows. IT seems the jobs are not coming fast enough and I am digging myself deeper in the hole.

Right now it is too hard for me to understand why and why things happen but one less person on this earth might be better.

Suicide is NEVER the answer. Can you imagine how your parents are going to feel when they have to go to your funeral? No parent should ever have to burry thier child. You can not be selfish.. other peoples lives will be effected. There is hope. Although you aren't making money right now doesn't mean that you never will. Money isn't everything... I know you've heard people say this before but I would hate to live a life worrying about money. Things will work out. You will get a job. If you NEED money then you can call a parent or go to a bank and borrow some. It's not the end of the world. People DO love you and want you to live. Killing yourself will only make things worse.

[You can not be selfish.. other peoples lives will be effectedquote=kskm]

I am not being selfish it is the way I feel. I don;t see how other people lives will be effected. I would explain to them in the note anyways but it will not make it easier but perhaps understanding. Where are they now?

If you NEED money then you can call a parent or go to a bank and borrow some

Well my credit is completely shot, and I did ask my sister and we had an argument and she gave me a speech I need to turn this around etc.

Look, I am trying to help you. Apparently you want help or you wouldn't be on this site- but I can only help people that are willing to receive.

Other peoples lives WILL be effected. Just because they aren't there now doesn't mean that are never there. They probably aren't there now because you aren't welcoming them into your life.

If your credit is shot and your sister won't give you money then try unemployment.... there is always another solution. Killing yourself is not an option that should be taken. It would be ENDING YOUR LIFE FOREVER that's not really something that is reversed..

You´re going through a lot. I feel your pain... must be awful to be in the place you´re at right now. I can understand why you´d just want to disappear and not deal with anything anymore...

Keep hanging in there, you won´t be stuck in that same place forever. That´s just not even possible. Soon enough you´ll have a break and you´ll be able to breathe a bit easier, until then keep taking care of yourself as best you can. And remember that you want to feel better, not nothing (although I´m sure that nothing sounds a lot more appealing than pain, but only if you´re alive to feel it). Death won´t bring you any relief because, well, you´re dead. That´s why it´s such a stupid notion, among all the other things like massive trauma to your folks and such.

Is thinking about suicide maybe a way for you to deal better with your current problems? Does it make you feel better to think that you can just leave the Earth and not have to deal with bills, heartache and problems anymore? You seem to be fresh out of choices, but are you really? Just pretend for a second that suicide doesn´t exist. That there´s no way you could commit suicide, that people don´t die. What would you do then? (And you can´t say "Oh, I´d kill myself!")

Look, I am trying to help you. Apparently you want help or you wouldn't be on this site- but I can only help people that are willing to receive.

 

To me the way you responded is with some force of anger but maybe I am taking it the wrong way.

 

They probably aren't there now because you aren't welcoming them into your life.

 

Well that is not true at all. When I speak to them they are too busy or do not want to hear me because I am so down. I really do believe it is time for me just to shut down completely.

 

Yes I do know taking my life is not reverseable but when the pain is so bad then what? Sure you can only talk to so much before you are talked out. You can only cry so much before your tears are dried. How much can you hurt before the pain goes away?

I am not being selfish it is the way I feel. I don;t see how other people lives will be effected. I would explain to them in the note anyways but it will not make it easier but perhaps understanding. Where are they now?

I do agree that this is about you, not other people. Yes, other people would be affected, but when someone is in so much pain that they are considering taking their lives, the least of their worries is other people. Especially because I don´t think people who want to kill themselves are feeling particularly loved and supported by those they would invariably affect. Doesn´t matter who´s alienating whom.

"EDIT: It´s always disturbing to me that when people are desperate and in major pain, and talk about suicide, there is always someone quick to point out the supposed selfishness of the act. They don´t look at the person in pain, they look at how bad other people *would* feel when right in front of them is someone already feeling horrible. I never understood that."

Just hang in there as best you can. As soon as you feel a little control back, get out there and do something to help yourself... be it talking to someone, taking meds (don´t know if that would be the case), finding a better job, WHATEVER.

How much can you hurt before the pain goes away?

A lot. Oh, a lot. Doesn´t matter how much it hurts though, it will go away. I promise. It will.

"It always gets better in the end- if it's not better then it's not the end."

your life is what you make it. If one sees life as only making and keeping money, then that's how one will live and only see it. If one sees life as something pleasurable and non-materialistic, well that person is way better off. Don't measure your life by human standards.

Life is an adventure, not a challenge that has to be overcome. Take time to smell the roses, literally! Take time to yourself to enjoy nature. Walk around and listen to the wind, watch the swaying of the trees. listen to the birds. Forget about your financial problems!!You will see that these things are what matter. money is not what life is about. If you let money determine your happiness then you might as well be considered blind. Don't take your life, what would have accomplished by doing this? Don't let money win, an inademate object.

Give yourself a second chance at life, discover what is really means to be alive!

your life is what you make it. If one sees life as only making and keeping money, then that's how one will live and only see it. If one sees life as something pleasurable and non-materialistic, well that person is way better off. Don't measure your life by human standards.

 

Life is an adventure, not a challenge that has to be overcome.

Sorry, just my opinion, but she isn´t trying to become a millionaire. She´s trying to pay her bills and make a living. One can´t just peruse around city parks and smell roses and relish in how non-materialistic they are. Those people are called bums.

I think that life can be a challenge sometimes. Just look at the world around you. Some people are barely surviving, and that is according to "human standards"... but I´m sure they´d be better off if we measured them by "plant standards", since plants don´t have to eat food.

you missed my point, im not saying plants are more important he, i was using a metaphor about the fact that money is only one element in life and that there are much better things in life to know of.

I

do agree that this is about you, not other people. Yes, other people would be affected, but when someone is in so much pain that they are considering taking their lives, the least of their worries is other people. Especially because I don´t think people who want to kill themselves are feeling particularly loved and supported by those they would invariably affect. Doesn´t matter who´s alienating whom.

 

"EDIT: It´s always disturbing to me that when people are desperate and in major pain, and talk about suicide, there is always someone quick to point out the supposed selfishness of the act. They don´t look at the person in pain, they look at how bad other people *would* feel when right in front of them is someone already feeling horrible. I never understood that."

Your right about one thing the pain is so much, and don;t feel loved or supported. That is so true. Sure some people might be affected by it but then it will be questions Why. Heck the note will explain it why.

True I know it is a selfishness act and the coward way out but again some people don;t experience the pain the other person is in or never went through it.

It is just getting tougher for me, woke up crying and have no energy to go to work and will probably end up crying at work. I just don;t have much energy to eat either and did not sleep well. It is getting harder to live with life and waiting for a job to come through.

I went through pain serveral times, and one of them was cancer when I was younger. Sure I made it but this feels just has bad.

I was looking at it from all angels and trying to make her see that it's not just her that will be effected. She knows that she will be effected, and apparently doesn't care. Maybe if she knew that people loved her and would hurt to see her go she wouldn't? Ever think about THAT?

suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem

suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem

Yes I know it is a permanent solution, but is it a temporary problem? It is hard to live when there is no money, and looking for a job where it is a waiting game to be hired. As a friend of mine said sure I am alive because we have gocery store to go into, we are not stopped by the police often asking for ID, but when it is hard when things are not going right and everything is caving in. It gets hard when there is no money, cannot ask a bank for a loan when credit is shot etc.

Sure the pain is bad but can it be stopped?

An update that now I am feeling the pain and their is darkness. I had out with the bank and they act like robots in extending the money and when I hung up I told them I am ending my life and it will be their blood on their hands.

Sure this is all temporay but right now it is not. There is no hope anymore

I have written letters for my friends and preparing to write letter to my invdividual friends in explaining why I am doing this.

Everybody says this will pass but it will not when you are going to lose everything so what is the point in living.

All I do is cry and cry and it stops and then I cry again. I think since I live near a lake will just jump in and drown since I cannot swim.

Right now everything is caving in and everybody is against me and does not want to listen. Robots at the bank, job treates you like your nobody and need money to survive otherwise will lose everything. I rather lose my life than lose everything. There is no hope.

You can't be that materialistic to where you would end your life for a few bucks.

You can't be that materialistic to where you would end your life for a few bucks.

 

I am not materialistic but you need to money to survive beside stealing or robbing a bank. What do I need to lose everything and say yes it is going to be alright and live like a bum. There is no way. There is no where to turn anymore.

 

I guess since you are a law student and going to be a lawyer possible that you think it is going to be easy and you are only 21. You have your whole life ahead of you. Remember that.

You can't be that materialistic to where you would end your life for a few bucks.

 

I am not materialistic but you need to money to survive beside stealing or robbing a bank. What do I need to lose everything and say yes it is going to be alright and live like a bum. There is no way. There is no where to turn anymore.

 

I guess since you are a law student and going to be a lawyer possible that you think it is going to be easy and you are only 21. You have your whole life ahead of you. Remember that.

So you think that because I am only 21 and a law student that everything has been easy for me? I don't think so... don't be so quick to judge me. The entire reason that I am a law student is so that I can eventually be a judge and help out people that have gone through what I have been through, and put people in jail that need to be. I know I have my whole life ahead of me, and I can't wait to go through more hardships and great times. That's what life is- an experience.

So you think that because I am only 21 and a law student that everything has been easy for me? I don't think so... don't be so quick to judge me. The entire reason that I am a law student is so that I can eventually be a judge and help out people that have gone through what I have been through, and put people in jail that need to be. I know I have my whole life ahead of me, and I can't wait to go through more hardships and great times. That's what life is- an experience.

Your right I should have not judge you so quickly but your comments also are harsh. If you say you are ready to go through more hardships then so it be because further down the road there is a possiblity that you will feel in the same position I am in and see there is no light. Mark my words. It takes lots of years to become a judge and you say to put people in jail that need to be, but you know also there are some people who were put in jail should not have been? How would you feel?

Anyway I just think some of your comments are harsh and should be more understanding.

How do I feel about people that are put into jail that shouldn't have been? That's not my mistake- I didn't put them there- why worry about things that don't have anything to do with you?

I am not here to talk about my future, or my beliefs in the career field that I have chosen.. I replied to you because I wanted you to know that there are other ways to think about things. Sometimes people need to hear what they don't want to hear to make the reality set it. Why would you end your life just because it's getting hard? That's all. I think that it's immature, and I think that you can be better then that. Why not overcome your obsticles??

I replied to you because I wanted you to know that there are other ways to think about things. Sometimes people need to hear what they don't want to hear to make the reality set it. Why would you end your life just because it's getting hard? That's all. I think that it's immature, and I think that you can be better then that. Why not overcome your obsticles??

Sometimes what you say can be very hard to hear to another person. So you think that is immature to end my life well that is your own opinion and again you have right to say what you need to say but again you need to choose your words wisely. Once you go through it then you will see what I am talking about. Again I have tried to overcome it and done everything but again the same thing comes back the waiting game. I guess you just don;t get it. The PAIN is still there.

I know the pain will last for a long time. There are things that can be done to help. Meditation is one of them. Talking about it in detail with someone can be painful at first but it often helps in the end.

Again, I am not trying to bring you down, I have been there. Last year, April 14th 2004 I was raped. By two stangers. I went into the deepest depression ever- I thought why me, why should I live, so someone could do it again? I wanted to take my life. I got help. And within that help I they made me realize, by telling me what I have told you- the hard honest truth- that it's stupid, and immature. I got over it, and I think that you have it in you to do as well.

I know the pain will last for a long time. There are things that can be done to help. Meditation is one of them. Talking about it in detail with someone can be painful at first but it often helps in the end.

As for medication I have been on it before and trying to avoid it. All it does it is a temporary solution. I appreciate you understanding that the pain will last a long time. I know even talking will help but then the next day it will come back. Like right now it is even a struggle just to get up or eat. I appreciate the kind words.