Double Personality

After two years of the most amazing and loving relationship in my life, I realize that my boyfriend seems to have a double personality.

It all started last tuesday, when playing with his computer I realized he had a collection of the most disgusting porn videos. I didn't make a scene because I tought it may've been a mistake , but I felt really bad.

Yesterday I talked to him about it, and he admitted that he's had this problem since many years ago... That he feels the necessity to go online and wacth it, then he masturbates , and then he says he feels really bad about it, and hates himself for doing it, but he cannot stop it.

I asked him to get out of my life and he bursted in tears, beg me not to do it, and aksed for my help. At first I didn't want him to be close to me, but then felt really sorry about him , he seemed pretty honest and willing to fight this,

I wanna help him, but I feel really bad about this and I dont know how to approach this, On the one hand , I feel disgusted and cheated on, On the other , I wanna help him .

He was the sweetest and most caring guy, I dont understand this new facet of his personality, It seems like I dont know him amymore.

I would like for someone to tell me how to approach this, now I feel totally overwhelmed.

I thought porn was kinda common? Unless it's some kind of nasty fetish, I think you ARE making a scene out of it...lot's of people watch it, especially guys.

What kind of porn was it?

Well, i think you are making a small scene about it all. I mean, i understand your position, and i understand his. I think it is one of the most confousing moments you can have, personally. Well, i think you should stay with him and help him fight through it, i mean, if he was "the most caring and sweetist guy ever" then there's your evdiance. Anyway, think of it as this, he has a metal problem, he has self control problems and then he loses his gf? I mean, come on, if he wasn't telling the truth he wouldn't of burst into tears over you two braking up becauyse he would supposidly have another gf. So personally, i think he is genuinly telling the truth, you should stay with him, and help him fight through things...and anyway, guys do sometimes like to look at these things, i mean, at keast every man has looked at some sort of softcore/hardcore porn.

Goodluck with your issue. =)

Luna I totally can understand where u are coming from. I am dealing with the same situation right now but with my husband. I have to say at least your boyfriend sees that he has a problem & may need help or actually does need help. I fimly believe that when a man is committed to a woman he should want to be with her & not the fantasy life. Just take my advise & make sure he gets help especially if you guys are planning on being together forever.

Unless it was some nasty fetish, I believe you're making a huge deal over it. Every guy has watched porn/watches porn. It's natural.

Being sweet or being the most caring has nothing to do with whether or not a person watches porn. If you base your judgement on this, then you need help. I take huge offense if you say my best friend is a jerk simply because he watches porn? He is THE nicest guy I've ever met in my life. He treats his girlfriend with such respect that it would put you to shame for how you're reacting to this.

I think you're making a huge deal, leaving a caring and kind lover of two years because he watchs porn... If it was child porn or something of that sort, I would understand, but if it's just porn, I'm not sure I see the problem...

That's why I asked what kind it was. If it was just "typical" porn and you were with someone for that long, it isn't the "porn" alone that makes you want to leave.

I can definitely sympathize with your situation. I have been there and I am still dealing with it. If you help him you will put yourself into a codependency situation. Before making that decision you need to consider many things.

First, do some research on codependency to see if you really want to put yourself in that position. What your boyfriend more than likely has is a Sexual Addiction and you need to research that as well. He also, has a Porn Addiction. Helping him through this will completely consume you. All of your emotions, brain power, life, and dependence will be focused on him. He will hurt you over and over again even if he does want to change. If you can leave then you should. He lied to you during your entire relationship by deceiving you into thinking that he was different than he really was. This is betrayal, dishonesty, infidelity, cheating, and so so many other things.

DO NOT LISTEN to these people that are telling you that this is normal. Do some research on pornography and what it does to a person's perspective on women and you will find that it is very damaging. They learn that women are objects, that they have no feelings, trophies, etc. If he is watching pornography and lusting after other women and maturbating to other women then he is using them as his source of pleasure instead of you. He is thinking of them as he is masturbating instead of being with you in a health sexual manner. You need to be aware that if he has a instant messaging program like AOL, MSN, or Yahoo that he could be chatting with people. People that watch porn learn that their major excitement comes from anonymous sex and cannot have health sex lives with that crap in their lives. Also, go to dating websites like Yahoo, Msn, Match, etc and see if he has a profile listed looking for women this way. Pornography use with escalate and he will begin using stuff that he would not have thought that he would at the beginning.

I am telling you right now that I know all of this above because my husband has a sexual addiction. We dated for a year and a half before we were married and I knew nothing of it. He was really great except for that he did seem a little withdrawn and that he didn't really care whether or not he was with me sometimes. This is because he would want to look up the porn when he wasn't with me. He seemed very mature and trustworthy, but was far from it. About four months after we were married I found some pornography as well as photos of women on his computer. He told me that he loved looking at women and promised to change. We went to counseling for over another year. I was still suspicious of him looking during that year and confronted him many many times to be faced with lie after lie. It turned out that my suspicions were right, cause after three years with this man I was talking to him about separating and he made a confession. He confessed to me that right after I found the photos and porn that he was talking with a girl online and got an offer to come to her house. He didn't pass it up and actually cheated on me. After the first time of physically cheating on me he got a disease and gave it to me. I came down with it soon after he cheated, but wondered how I got it. I even asked him if he had cheated, but he would insist that he had not. I still didn't really believe him, so I kept asking.

Two weeks later I found emails where he had been chatting with other women online with MSN and Yahoo. He had met these girls through his online profile on these chat services. I then researched more and discovered that he had profiles on lots of dating websites acting like he was single.

Sexual and Porn Addiction is all about secrecy and now that the truth is out he is more shameful of his actions. This shame will be the very reason that he will need to act out even more against you. I suggest that you do your research before you decide to stay with this man, because you really need to know what you are up against. It is going to take more than just admitting a problem for him to stop this addiction. He will have to first admit he is powerless over it and that he CANNOT stop this on his own. He will need a support group, a therapist who knows about sexual addiction. If you all are going to a counselor and they have not mentioned sexual or porn addiction you have the wrong counselor. If the counselor seems to spend all the time trying to work on your healing than his problem get another counselor. Don't make the same mistake I did.

These addictions are about medicating away feelings of shame and worthlessness and until those feelings are dealt with he will need his addiction to cope, to medicate them away.

My husband is in a support group for Sexual Addiction. If your partner can find a 12-Step Support Group for Sexual Addiction that would be best. If not, then an accountability support group will need to be involved. If you stay with him, he will need to be COMPLETELY accountable to you for his feelings, thoughts, temptations, and actions in order to recover from the addiction. If he is not then he is either trying to do it himself or is deceiving you and is choosing to do porn. If he is trying to do it himself, he WILL fail and will be right back in it again but worse if he has gone away from it for awhile.

Good Luck and I am so sorry for your hurt. I am going through it as well. It was only 6 months ago that he confessed. If you would like to talk further feel free to email me.

godschld7777, I find it mighty odd that you've come to these conclusions based on what "little" information has been given by the original poster. I understand you had a bad situation with your husband, but why not ask more questions before jumping to such extremes?

It doesn't matter how we feel about pornography Luna - we don't have to live our lives in your relationship. Some of us are bothered by certain things that we can't live with - it doesn't even have to be porn - whereas others would find such things trivial and petty (for example, spending too much time with friends of the opposite sex/ being irresponsible with money, etc.). All that matters is how YOU, yourself feel about this. Really, when it all comes down to it, who cares what other people think? YOU are the one in your relationship. You're the one who has to live with your decisions.

One thing I can say, is that most guys I know have watched/ do watch porn. And the ones I've spoken to about it have told me that it has absolutely nothing to do with their girlfriends, how they feel about them, or whether or not they're turned on by their girlfriends. According to 'my sources', it is completely separate and totally harmless. But again, this will be little comfort to you if you see porn on his computer and feel like throwing up afterwards - how you feel about this matters.

Don't be afraid to address your concerns with him. As a person in your relationship, you have a right to be heard and respected. If it's really something that you can't live with, it will end up killing your passion for this man slowly and painfully if you keep it to yourself. Either way, it's impossible to stay with someone if you're always hurting.

I really wouldn't worry about the porn thing. I know its easier to say that do, but as you have seen from soem of the guy posts, it really is part of what most men do. My boyfriend tells me he doesn't watch porn but I am sure he does. Unless it is a problem I wouldn't worry. My last boyfriend watched porn a lot, would turn it on when we were in the bedroom, would make me watch it too, would masturbate over it in front of me etc etc. it annoyed me so much and ,ade me love him less because this wasn't the type of person I wanted to be with.

My boyfriend now however, doesn't MAKE me watch porn and doesn't highlight the fact that he does, or let it interfere with our relationship. if he does watch it, its porbably with his mates and it is perfectly normal. Its just a guy thing. As long as it doesn't interefer with you and its not sick porn, you really shouldn't worry. Men like looking at women. It's never going to change!