in laws...me too!

Anyone have any good advice for dealing with inlaws?

Mine are in-laws-to-be, but really upsetting me. They are local, and have always been very involved/intrusive in my fiance's life. Sometimes he thinks that's the norm and deals with it, other times he just ignores them.

Now, I've known these people for almost 4 years now. but now that we're making decisions, they're intruding, and not only is it making me angry, but upsetting me. For example, the fiance and I just bought a house. We were thrilled but a little nervous, since it's our first...we don't fully know what we're getting into. From the minute they heard -they were upset -that we didn't ask his dad to do a walk through, that it was too much money, that my fiance was in over his head...(no mention of me, btw). The dad picked apart the house once he saw it, and scared the living daylights out of my fiance. By the way, the stuff wasn't that major. He just made him feel bad for paying that much. -every time he sees him he had a new snippet of info. Last time it was that the mirror image house accross the street went for 25k less last year. Again, making us feel bad.

It's settled a bit, but the dad is coming to the inspection. I really don't want him there -My fiance says it'll be fine, and so now I have to let it go, since I don't want to go behind my fiance's back and disinvite the dad. His dad even has a contractor coming to look at an unstable porch. We coulc use one, -and maybe he's helping, but this feels like it's spinning out of control. My fiance said he'll have a talk with them to tell them we're buying this house regardless of what they say -and ask him to lay off a bit.

But how is the best way to approach this? By the way, they say none of this in front of me, so I never get the opportunity to put in my 2 cents. I CAN'T have these people affecting our decisions in life!!!!

Make sure you are there for the inspection, and if his Dad starts to bother you by what he is saying then tell him how you feel, that it's your and your fiances decisions and you wish for him to know and respect this.

Well, don't get in the middle. And make him stick up for you if someone fights with you in his family. You are becoming commited to each other, more than to your families.

However, I see this thing bothering you as if you are trying to exert independence. It's like a child who pulls away from its mother when she tries to tie the child's shoe: "No, I can do it myself." And you probably can, but wouldn't it be easier to have their help.

I know you can do without their comments, but they are probably aimed more at him than you. I like your reaction though, you seem protective of him. Good.

I agree completely with Beec - it is an issue I had as well. To some degree we fixed it by being consistent in how we acted toward his mom. She would stop by unannounced constantly and would bang on all the windows if we didn't answer the door. We finally just buckled down and only answered our phone and soon she changed. She was intimidating us, I guess and we were just falling for it. Once we stopped doing that - things went to a normal state.

I think a big problem too, is that although he doesn't like his parents intruding, and tries to avoid it -they've done it so much throughout his life, that he doesn't even realize it when they're doing it. (he only does when they start being very unreasonable)

I was talking to my mother today, who A. lives 5 hours away, B. is respectful of my own decisions -she was appauled that his dad has a contractor coming. She seemed to think that was unacceptable, since it is my and my fiance's house, not his, to invite professionals to. Plus, a contractor should tell US about repairs, not dad. I completely agree, but feel I have to choose my battles wisely here. But how do I get them to butt out?!! we're the one paying the bills, signing the contracts and ultimiately living there!