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hm.. where should i start..

for a while now, i've been meaning to try to talk to my mom, which is odd, considering.. i never want to talk to her. i'm rather used to avoiding her, not always on purpose.. awell. i've been wanting to actually tell her that.. i'm.. different. heh. i can't even put it here.

i've been trying to get her attention with everything lately, with bad moods or being picky or ignoring her, trying to pierce my own lip, buying things i know she doesn't approve of..(black nailpolish and evil ernie comics..) and it's usually without even noticing it. when i finally get it, for like.. 5 minutes at a time, i'm not ready to say anything. i wish i could, but.. i'm not sure how to approach her.

my mikey left me recently too.. kinda.. odd, i didn't really care at first, then i was .. frantic. lol.. i went from chat room to chat room looking for a 'replacement mikey' and now i'm stuck being bothered by a man older than my dad. like.. 10 years older than my dad. and.. i don't like him that way... heh.. things are just weird lately.

i want to start the whole.. weird.. procedure thing already, i want the hormone treatment crap, i'm willing to be outcasted in school, just to get it.. i was willing to even go for drugs or something just so my mom would notice and try to talk to me about something..

i'd say desperate, but it sounds wrong somehow. i mean, i feel like i'm dying sometimes.. but i'm never dying of hunger. i'm usually dying of.. thirst. lol.

i just want everything. i want to be happy, i want to be hated, i want people to beat me up for my lunch money and i want to be held close and reassured that i'm supposed to be on earth for a reason. .. i want to do good in school, and yet i want to be kicked out for a stupid reason. i want to move away, far far away.. but.. i love my home. i want to be free, but i've wanted to be locked up for years.. with people watching my every move..

i guess i'm just saying i want to feel like i'm.. real. other people seem to be so real, real meaning.. they.. belong. they exist, they cope with things. i'm like.. a bystander. not an outcast, because to be an outcast, you have to be cast out. hence the name. i feel like i'm just watching life pass me by, like i've completely missed out my childhood, and i'm missing my teenage years very quickly. i don't want to be an adult, but.. that's going to be the only time i'll have to be myself..

damn i hate crying at the computer. lol

i'm such a pansy.

transsexual is such a cold.. term. it's.. not one i like much.

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Hey nosfetorious,

 

You are going through a difficult time now, having gender problems you even have more going on than the average teenager. I remember feeling exactly the way you do now, when I was 15. Like a sort of alien. Not cast out, but just not part of the world. I felt also like I was under a glass jar, every one could see me but no one could hear me or touch me.

 

I can assure you that this will pass. It's a part of being a teenager, it's part of finding out who you are.

 

I think you should try to really talk to your mom rather than just dropping hints. The hints like black nailpolish and stuff are things that she might consider 'typical' for someone in puberty, and maybe she hopes you will stop doing these things when she ignores them. That's my guess. I think deep down she IS worried about you. Maybe it's easier to write it down first, so you have things in order that you want to say?

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

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hey, this may sound harsh but i dont mean it that way, but it sounds like you yearn for attention. or did u say that lol! Yeh i think hormones are the cause. Are you trying to get your mums attention to tell her anything? Because she may just be getting vibes that you are going through a typical boys 'gothic' period. By painted nails did you mean black? sorry if i am wrong! Yea, i think things will calm down for you soon. I worry sometimes about how i am already 17 and i wasnt the sorta typical middle school guy loving girl i imagined myself and saw every1 around me to be. I worry a fair bit that my teenage years are almost over, arrgh i h8 the thought!!! and my hormones are driving me mad too! You know figuring out who i really am. From what i hear this is all normal. Just think that yesterday was acted out according to how you felt yesterday and the attitude of you to your day and your day's attitude to you. We all go through bad days, and sometimes i realise im having a bad day/week and i just have to long for the next day, when i might feel differentli about things. I have this strange belief everything we do suits the time and place that we do it in, and you cant blame yourself for not being someone you wanted to be, or letting your life pass you by. Its all relative...i hope i used that ord right. Dont worry about wats happening to you too much, let things sort themselves out! goodluck!! ur not alone

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Nosfetorious,

 

Hey!!!!!

 

Sometimes it is easier to be on the side watching life pass you by because it is either that or face life with all it drama and bulls**t. Personally I choose to face life. With drama and bull s**t comes happiness, contentment, love and all that other good stuff.

 

Life is not about the whole picture...to be honest the whole pic is kinda depressing but if u tak eit one day at a time u will realize that it adds up. You say u want so many things but most of all u want to feel real!!!! You are real but you haven't realized that yet...you have to let go of wanting so much and open ur eyes to what u have infront of you!!!!...what u are feeling is real...confusion is real, wanting is real, the need for acceptance is real...these are all real feeling but u have to allow your self to feel it!!!!

 

If u keep locked up within four walls around ur computer u will miss out on all the fun stuff that life has to offer. Do u have friends??? do u hang out at the mall?? go to movies?? play video games???....These things may sound corney to you....what do u find interesting???? You have to open ur heart to ppl maybe u will find some real friends.

 

About ur mom, maybe she is just as afraid as u are!!! Write her a letter....that will open up the communication lines between the two of you. I will tell you that I and maybe alot of ppl on this site may not have the strength to do what u want to do....courage is about fighting fear...and u are fighting it!!!! U will get there...and that is real. Fighting fear is just about as real as u get.

 

I am sorry I cannot give u the advise u may be seeking. The best I can do is tel you is open ur heart to this life and love one day at a time.

 

kere

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