my husband says he doesn't love me anymore

This is new to me, but after a month of this I need some advice. My husband walked in on March 15th, after I got back from taking my mother to the doctor, we had just found out she had cancer, and said I dont love you I am leaving. I was shoked and hurt and out of control. He left, we talked that night on the phone, then he came home the next morning. He left again the following Monday, he stayed gone for three nights, after my presistance and calling and begging he came home. I tried for about 3 weeks doing what ever he said was the problem trying to make things right. Until one day I could not take it anymore. I told him if he did not want ot be here then he needed to leave. He came in and said again I do not love you and I want to go. I agreed he is still here. He said he changed his mind until my son graduates next year, maybe his feelings will change, this has been another week, of course touching me is out of the question. He stays away more and more. He finds extra work not to come home. After 20 years of marriage I want to stay married, but not at the expense of my dignity. Please give me something, I am out of ideas. I just feel helpless.

tinalynns,

Welcome. The first thing you need to know is that you need to change how he feels, or he will not be around. But that may not be to just do whatever he wants. After all, the first move in your direction occurred right after you stopped doing what he wanted.

Your firs tstep should not be to try to latch on or cling to him. And you should not fight, agree with him about almost everything, but you need not do what he wants.

And learn. The only real way you get him back is to get inside his head and work on his feelings. You may to learn a lot to do that.

Good luck.

What is it he has said is wrong with your marriage?

I tried for about 3 weeks doing what ever he said was the problem trying to make things right.

Can't really advise properly without knowing what was wrong.

He seems conflicted, coming back and leaving etc. does not seem to mean that he is fully out just yet.

Tina, how awful. My heart goes out to you. First finding out your mom has cancer, and then having to deal with your husband telling you he does not love you after 20 years. That is alot to deal with! I can't even imagine what you are going through.

Has your husband given you any reasons why he feels this way? Was your marriage good and then bam, he says this? Could there be another woman? Perhaps it's a mid-life crisis?

I think telling you he does not love you is horrible, and his timing is even worse. That is very selfish of him when you are dealing with a sick mother and its a time you need the support of your husband more than ever.

I understand you wanting to keep your pride. You can push for counselling, try talking to him, let him know you are willing to work to save the marriage, but beyond that you cannot force him to stay nor should you try to. Saying "I don't love you" is something that would be VERY hard to get over, for me anyway.

You need to realize that because of the stress of your mom, and needing support dealing with that, you may not be as strong as you normally would be. If you are able financially to support yourself, I think it would be wise to take some time for yourself to think things through, surround yourself with family and friends who can help you stay strong and make the decisions that are right for YOU.

I am 38 and my husband is 50. I have also been married for 20 years. Your husband may mean what he saids. If he keeps telling you he does not love you, then the chances are ithat he does not. He may love you but not in a way that he used to. There is also a possibility that he is bored stiff. When I am feeling like I could just pack my things and not look back, I plan a nice night alone with hubby in a nice hotel. We usually come back laughing and discussing the things we did,even laughing at each other and the sexy tricks we tried. We make palns for our retirement and being children free, this also makes us feel alive.If this does not work for your husband, try therapy, if that does not work then it may be time to call it quits. Also my husband often tells me he loves me and that reminds me why I love him. Tell your husband you love him, and take him out and do something you have both never done to each other. You doing everything he saids will make him lose respect for you, dont take that approach. Desparation is not pretty or respectable...Live your life...with or without him....thats admirable and sexy!

I can't even imagine how you feel. Obviously, I've not been married to anyone, let alone for that length of time. I have, however, experienced rejection and I am also currently in a very strong "headed for marriage" relationship. So that's where this post comes from.

Thinking about my BF, the way I love him, the way I need him in my life... I don't care if I was married to him for 20 minutes or 20 years, the first time he told me he didn't love me and he was leaving, I'd help him pack his bags. There would be no coming back to me. In fact, when my BF was once so mad at me he threatened to leave (a very long time ago) I very calmly and matter of factly stated the following (more or less):

"I am fully capable of arguing with you without EVER falling out of love with you or wanting to leave you. I expect the same of you. It is our first real fight, so I'll warn you now, you will only ever break up with me once. Once you leave, there is no coming back. I will not spend my life in an on/off relationship, especially with someone I care about so deeply. It would ruin me. And the only thing I love more than you is myself. So you had better be sure you want to break up with me before you say it again, okay"

That was that. He never threatened to break up with me again. We don't fight a lot but still... I know that isn't the same situation as yours, but my point is, if you don't love YOURSELF how can anyone else love you? Your actions show you put him before you. Once a man has told you he doesn't love you anymore, why is it your duty to try and convince him otherwise?! He's going to KEEP breaking your heart because you insist on holding on to him when he doesn't want to be wholly invested in you anymore. Is that good enough for you?! His lame half-hearted "sorta hanging around" BS?!

Some people will say that because you've been together for 20 years its different, and that you should make it work... I disagree... If a man can do this to you after 20 years, he really must not care about you one bit.

Either way you choose to believe, and whatever you decide to do, I hope one day you are happy and feel whole again. Hugs.

I am confused as you are I have no idea why he needs to leave or doesn't love me he does but he is the type of man to never tell. I keep thinking if I try to just let things alone it will get better. But, I am the type I feel hurt and getting pissed off at the way he is treating me,,but I still have a son to think of.

Hi tinalynns123,

I think we could use more information here to try and help a bit.

Do you fight? If you do what do you fight about? Is this the first time you have noticed problems in your marriage?

He said he doesn't love you anymore, do you suppose he is just bored?

When was the last time you all took a vacation together? A weekend away from your son and housework?

I hate to be a doom profit tinalynns123, but his behaviour sounds like an affair is going on.

when you decide you don't love somoene anymore, you just don't walk in the one day and say so without having some motivation (like a lover pressuring him to leave you).

I really hope Im wrong about this!

Why not try and find out, talk to him to see when he first fell out of love with you, and what he thinks you (both) can do to recitfy the situation. If he's just staying for the sake of the kids he's stealing time away from you....

Sonjam,

Thanks for the insight, I feel the same way about an affair. But, believe me I have tried to find out, he will not talk about it. He just replies no. And the logical part of me believes him, because I know he is acting out of character for himself but he has always been real honest. And the not so logical part of me wants it to be someone else so at least I would have answers.

I guess what I am saying is rejection is hard enough to swallow after 20years. But if you don't have a reason why it is harder. A reason why no matter how terrible helps bring closure. So at this point if it is another woman, bring it on, lets get you to the place you will be happy so I can start to be happy.

I thought the same thing Sonjam did because I believe men don't leave unless they have someone else. Women leave even when they don't.

In your case, well, he came back home. As if things were not confusing enough.

Do you suppose he is bored? or Mid-life crisis, maybe questions where his life has gone... or he needs new hobbies, new adventures?

It really sucks that he is not telling you a thing. Interesting that when you told him to just leave, he decided to stay. Hmmm.. makes me wonder if he feels too "comfortable" with you.

Have you ever gone away alone for a few days?

I thought the same thing Sonjam did because I believe men don't leave unless they have someone else. Women leave even when they don't.

I think that is a broad assumption, and somewhat insulting to men in general for it implies that men only leave marriages because of cheating whereas women have less ignoble reasons. Like women, men leave for a variety of reasons:

Physical or emotional abuse, general dissatisfaction, feelings of being taken advantage of financially or in other ways, disillusionment with his partner, feelings of emotional abandonment, 'mid-life' crisis, to name a few. Another is the fact that his partner cheated with someone. None of these reasons necessarily mean that he is cheating.

I know of at least three men who left marriages for one of more of those reasons and no other woman was involved.

You are all right on the reason a man leaves or a woman leaves. It is always the assumption that one or the other has someone else. I have been asked that by everyone I have talked to. And he has been asked that by everyone he has talked to. I believe he is in some kind of a mid life crisis, he is 43, but he is always been so level headed I never expected it from him. We had our oldest son graduate last year, and moved out in Jan. he of course is not fully off our pocket book yet. I don't know could it be he has empty nest syndrome, all I have ever heard is how women go through that. Our other son graduates next year. He confuses me, with his back and forth. I am the type to not drag things out lets do it, get it over with if that is what you want to do. Of course, after 20 years, a house, kids, half of your life spent with one person just rushing it through to get it over with is a little hard.

As far as me going away without him, yes I have several times. As far as I know there has never been a problem with it. He is a work aholic (sorry that is spelled wrong) he has never been any where with out me. Except work. could it be that he needs to go off and do something? Could that help? Where I am right now is he has decided to stay the next year until our son graduates and then we will see from there. I will be honest, we both come from divorced families, and neither of us ever wanted our kids to go through this. I want to keep my family and my home and a place for the boys to bring the grandkids. I want this because I love them all including my husband.

Just need to find out if I can stop this from getting worse. I know that men do this without another woman. But , I also know years later they regret it end up alone. I dont want that for him. He is not close to the boys, thereforeeee their time and whom ever they spend their lives with will be with me. I live him I don't want him to be alone.

I have taken a hard blow to my ego when he said he does not love me. But, I am willing to swallow my pride and try to find a way to make things work. If I can't then I can hold my head up knowing I gave my marriage my best shot.

Not speaking for muneca but I wonder if she meant just the two of you alone - without the kids.

Even if she did not mean that, it could still be a good idea. Time to focus on just the two if you - not the kids, not the job, not the house. Leave the cell phones behind, tell anybody who needs to know where you are to only phone the hotel in an emergency and concentrate on putting the marriage back together. See if he'll go for that - it's maybe worth a shot.

DN

We have little time alone. He works alot. I kidnapped him one night last fall, took him to a hotel for a quiet evening, he got called out I stayed alone. He had a long weekend in Sept. so I made plans for a little road trip. That did not turn out well, was not terrible, just not great. He is a John deere antique tractor fanatic, so I planned for us to go to a tractor/car show (l love mustangs). We could not leave until Sat. morning and be back Sun. night. Friday night was football, which he hates, but there was what if my son got hurt and we werent there. Saturday went ok, but, I had a hard time with being interested in the tractors, and he knew that, thinking back I know he has always wanted to put more interest in that kind of stuff. Then we stayed too long there and were late getting to the hot air balloons, which I wanted to see. the weather was not right by then so we saw no flights. I blamed him for being selfish about his tractors. And of course, he never really left work he called all weekend and checked on things. And now he tells me all this when he is not allowed to take time off until Aug. or Sept, he works seven days a week.

Why does he work 7 days a week. Are you sure he is at work?

yes he is working 7 days a week it is the nature of the job. It is farming time here in Texas and he regulates the water to the feilds..I know this is the way it works. For I am 40 and lived this all my life, my dad did it, my brother did it and now he does it. No time for another woman, but he is burned out and I dont know how to help,,and he will not let me in to help

Then you may be forced into a ultimatum - he either works with you on the marriage or you will ask for a divorce. Say it calmly, without anger, but with obvious regret. Tell him you love him and want the marriage to work but you can't do it on your own nor can you continue to live in this soulless marriage.

Make sure that is what you want before you do that.

tinalynns,

I am looking at this seeing somethings and not sure how much of a picture it gives me.

However, look at this. You did something nice for him, but then you seem to know you had a hard time being happy while he was indulging in one of his favorite activities. He wanted to be in his glory at the this tractor show, but did not get to enjoy it because you were being passive aggressive in giving him a hard time about being there. Now, I was not there, so it could have been otherwise, but I think I might be right.

So then, after he did not get to truly enjoy being at the tractor show, you told him he was selfish for not letting you see the ballons. So, neither of you got to enjoy much of the weekend you planned.

Excellent idea (it was that), on your part. But it was probably poor execution. Of course, I don't know if I could have been happy walking around a tractor show either, so I am not throwing stones at you. But, you do need to try and see it. What to do to avoid poor execution like this, don't go if you cannot go and be happy in that you are mkaing him happy. Or go and find yourself some time and place to go off, do something you will enjoy and let him be happy doing what he enjoys. Say you let him see the tractors and went off to watch the balloons.

As far as him working so much and you trying to unburden him. Tough to say. He seems likely to be the kind of guy that thinks it is a man's job to just shoulder his burdens, bear them as well as he can and not complain. When things are tough, he is unlikely to want to talk about them. I would not try to make him talk. I would try to give him a very easy time when he gets home, most of the time. At other times, I would not make it so easy. But when it was not, I would be busy with something.

beec,

yes you are right, I know that now that is part of what I need to do to turn things around like we talked about, get more involved in the one thing he is interested in.

In fact, I just volunteered to go home and help him work on one of his tractors when I get off work. I am trying "agree, agree"

thanks again you are real helpful

Ah DN, I honestly believe most men won't leave unless they have someone else. It may be wrong, but I believe it. I have rarely seen a man walk away from a home, comfort, sex partner when there is no one else out there waiting with open arms.

Tinalynns I think it's time you start being your husbands friend again. I think going home to help him out with one of his tractors is an excellent idea.

Marriage is a partnership and like any other it is full of compromises. Also, sometimes we forget to be as courteous and gracious to our partner as we would be to a good friend.

Many times things change when we change.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Ah DN, I honestly believe most men won't leave unless they have someone else. It may be wrong, but I believe it. I have rarely seen a man walk away from a home, comfort, sex partner when there is no one else out there waiting with open arms.

Perhaps you should start a survey on here to see how many men have left their wives without someone waiting. To be honest I think your opinion is somewhat sexist and discounts the heartbreak that many men have suffered because of a bad relationship. It is the sort of thinking that can too easily lead to the 'men are bad and women are good' mentality so prevalent these days; similar to the often expressed belief that 'men cheat because they are dogs, women cheat because they are emotionally deprived by their men'.

I have seen many marriages go awry, I have seen men and women behave equally badly, for the same base motives and find neither gender better or worse than the other.

Ah DN, I honestly believe most men won't leave unless they have someone else. It may be wrong, but I believe it. I have rarely seen a man walk away from a home, comfort, sex partner when there is no one else out there waiting with open arms.

If a man considers having sex with another woman, then he either was not the faithful type to begin with, or something was wrong at home.

I've seen plenty and walk off with nothing there waiting. I also know they left in most cases because their so-called wife did not provide a home, comfort, partnership, and/or sex. If men are getting what they want and need, we are like loyal dogs. Or we never were going to be loyal dogs in the first place.

tinalynns knows her man is not cheating, but that does not mean he is getting comfort, etc. If he really had what floated his boat, he would not be doing this. Tinalynns, there will be a time to be disagreeable, but now is not it. Keep plugging.

Mid Life Crisis is "REAL" I have known many if have gone through it. Some without the involvement in marital affairs and some with. Does an affair always ruin a marriage for the remaining years of your life together?

What happen to "For Better or Worse"

I can think of far more worse things that can happen then some stupid marital affair. Do you think it is easy to get involved with someone else while married and be able to tell your spouse you are having an affair?

Do all affairs lead to divorce? And if the affair is a secret is it because of what some will say here "Maybe your husband is bored"

If Mid Life Crisis set in on you and you had an affair for an uncontrollable reason would you expect your husband to love you for better or worse?

Don't get fooled by what others think. Only you know how much your husband means to you. You have a child and I believe if there is no physical violence or abuse that is harmful to you or your child then the best interest for your child is to have both his or her parents to be together showing him/her the love.

Too easy to get divorced these days. Divorce is all about money its not about the kids. There is a Judge in Mississippi who once wrote a column in a magazine stating "In the 25 years as a divorcing Judge she has only seen parents give their children 2nd best and rarely ever what is really best" Her meaning of this was.... "What is the best for your child is that both parents stay together and work out their differences and give that child the love they deserve"!!!! After all it was the two of you that brought the child into this world. it wasn't by their choice. However the child needs both parents together not divorced.