Men and marriage proposals-does it really matter?

I know there is a lot of pressure on men to propose to their GF's in a creative and romantic style.

I wonder if the effort a man puts in his proposal is a measure of how interested/in love he is with a woman.

My therapist said about 30% of men are very romantic, 30 % are not at all and the rest is a happy medium.

Last week one of my best friends came back from Paris with her live in BF of years. It was one of the most romantic proposals I have seen.

He loved a book by Julio Cortazar, an Argentinian writer, called "Hopscotch". It is a complex love story. The lovers meet in a bridge in Paris (Pont Neuf).

When he met her he said if he ever gave her an original copy of this book in Spanish it meant she was the one.

They went to Paris and she had no idea he was going to propose, really.

In Paris he told her to wait at Pont Neuf (a bridge neat the Louvre museum) while he went to the hotel.

He came back with a small bag. She opened the bag and the book was there. She was very happy because she knew what that meant. In the book's dedication it told her to look in the bottom of the bag. There was a card. She opened the card and it said "Will you?".

When she turned the card around there was a beautiful ring attached to it (he designed the ring himself) with the words "marry me?".

She sobbed uncontrollaby in a bridge in Paris.

I was very happy for her since she is a genuinely nice person. But I couldn't help comparing to my own engagement story:

The least romantic I have seen! My BF just came into the bedroom once Saturday morning with his robe on and gave me the little box and said: "now we are officially engaged". That's it. No asking "Will you marry me?", no romantic setting, no extra effort. And I had picked the ring myself, he just bought it.

My therapist again said it doens't mean he doens't love me as much as the other guy. But I did feel a little bummed. I know it's an old fashioned tradition and that some men are naturally more romantic, but it makes me wonder....any thoughts?

I think it probably has more to do with how he feels about himself or toher thigns than about you.

For instance, I am not getting on my knee to propose to any woman. NOT DOING IT, unless she is getting on her knees too and/or saying OBEY in our vows.

On the otherhand, I would be the guy to make it very public, like paint it on a billboard or something.

There was letter a while back to an advice columnist in the local paper from a girl who dreamed of a romantic proposal. She envisioned a dinner in a good restaurant wine and a down on one knee proposal. Instead he proposed during a walk in the park. She was so angry she refused. She didn't hear from him for a few days so sent a message through friends why she turned him down - but he was so devastated he had taken a job in another country and had gone.

I think that girls who think for more than about 2 seconds about how they are going to be proposed to are high maintenence and should be avoided. Someone's offering to dedicate the rest of their life to you, and the girl gets jealous 'cause her proposal wasn't as cool as some other girl's?

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I guess if you're looking for romance and you're involved with a guy who is romance-challenged you either need to adjust your expectations to better match with who he is or prepare to be disappointed a lot. While he can try to meet you half way and try to make the romantic gesture every now and then, don't expect that you'll change him. He is what he is.

Dunno where this rates on the romance scale, but my husband propsed to me one week after our first date (we'd chatted online and on the phone for a couple weeks prior). He bought the ring 3 days after he met me f2f the first time. It was a small, heart-shaped ruby (his birthstone). At the time I owned a race horse and he came out to the track to watch my horse race after he got off work. I met him out in front of the grandstand entrance to the track, in my barn clothes & smelling like horse (I was a hands-on sort of owner). He told me to close my eyes and hold my hands out in front of me. He put the open ring box in my hands and told me to open my eyes, then asked me to marry him.

As if some sort of sign was needed, I tried the ring on and it fit perfectly.

He later said he picked the race track because he knew how much I loved horses and how much time I spent there. He wanted it to be something significant to me. So, while a run-down harness track isn't quite Paris...it was a very meaningful place for me.

3 years wedded bliss this July.

I think that girls who think for more than about 2 seconds about how they are going to be proposed to are high maintenence and should be avoided. Someone's offering to dedicate the rest of their life to you, and the girl gets jealous 'cause her proposal wasn't as cool as some other girl's?

 

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I pretty much agree with that. However, you also have to realize that you will be fighting with her friends telling her it was not good enough.

I don't think that the way a man proposes has anything to do with how he feels about you. Heck, you're lucky that your boyfriend proposed girl!! I'm still waiting!

Very cool...

I know that my boyfriend is planning to propose soon--July, as a matter of fact, which is my birthday month and the next time I'll see him. I also know that he has a specific place in mind that he says is one that means a lot to me (I've guessed where that place is and if I'm right, it'll be very romantic).

But to be honest... as much as the proposal itself means, I just can't wait to be engaged to him!

I think that girls who think for more than about 2 seconds about how they are going to be proposed to are high maintenence and should be avoided. Someone's offering to dedicate the rest of their life to you, and the girl gets jealous 'cause her proposal wasn't as cool as some other girl's?

 

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I pretty much agree with that. However, you also have to realize that you will be fighting with her friends telling her it was not good enough.

Which is why the girl who cares the least about proposals (and has her own head, regardless of her friends) deserves the VERY best proposal you can come up with. It's the whiny ones who dwell on it who do not.

If you didnt begin your thread with an example of your friends romatic proposal then I would be inclined to say its not so much envy that you seem to be suffering from. Since you did start the thread that way, it comes off as competition between women so one can say that my engagement was better than yours.

You already know the guy that you are engaged to and you knew about his idea of romance. You also know aobut him from the other issues you have posted about him. It seems that you just have a problem with your fiance altogether. You seem to want something that he isnt, but you also seem like you want to work on this. You need to realize the implications of the type of guy you are dealing with, you have been with him for some time and you know what he is like. There comes a point when his actions shouldnt be a surprise to you.

How a guy proposes DOES matter, because it is a sign of what sort of husband he will be later. Of course there are a few exceptions of bad proposals and happy marriages...but in general, if a guy can't propose in a romantic and idealic way, you should not expect your marriage to be romantic or idealic. Its like a job interview...you can't do poorly in a job interview and expect the employer to hire you. Its true that a job interview does not say everything about how well you can do the job, but it is a sign of things to come. Same with marriage proposals. Generally a bad proposal will for shadow a bad marriage ( well atleast a rather unromantic one).

The type of proposal REALLY depends on the guy! You may want something very flashy, or maybe something very subtle. Maybe you don't even WANT an official proposal! But HOPEFULLY, your guy will propose to you in a way that is meaningful to HIM as well as you. That's why I think it's always great for couples in serious relationships to sort of fantasize about it. Talk to each other about what you envision so he has some idea of what YOU expect from him. And He should tell you if his idea is really romantic or if he just wants to put a ring on your finger and call it good. THAT waht, YOU won't be disappointed if that's all you get!

Even if the proposal wasn't romantic, per say, it doesn't mean that he didn't have the best intentions, or that the way he did it doesn't mean something special to him. A lot of times, "non-romantic" proposals are romantic in their OWN way. A guy like that might say that he doesn't need to make some big performance to let his girl know that he loves her so much that he wants to spend the entire rest of his life with her! I mean, honestly, that knowledge in itself should really be enough for us women! Just knowing that he loves you so much to make that kind of commitment (a commitment that most men are terrified of)....

Too many people think that the engagement and the wedding are all about the girl. But it's his relationship too, and if you're both smart, you will find a good balance to accommodate BOTH of you!

How a guy proposes DOES matter, because it is a sign of what sort of husband he will be later. Of course there are a few exceptions of bad proposals and happy marriages...but in general, if a guy can't propose in a romantic and idealic way, you should not expect your marriage to be romantic or idealic. Its like a job interview...you can't do poorly in a job interview and expect the employer to hire you. Its true that a job interview does not say everything about how well you can do the job, but it is a sign of things to come. Same with marriage proposals. Generally a bad proposal will for shadow a bad marriage ( well atleast a rather unromantic one).

I don't see that. My father basically told my mother, "so what's it going to be?" And after 43 or so years, there are still there and Dad is pretty romantic in some ways.

Of course, I know what she will get on their Anniversary (A bouquet of roses (I think one for each year) and a card which says "all my love, then is signed by him). He is pretty predicitable.

And to fight with one of them is to fight with both of them. Of course, the rest of my family is the same way. And we all know how to fight.

I recently put my thoughts on this on another post....

As I said there, it does not matter to me whether it is funny and sweet, or romantic and big....what matters it is out of love, genuine, and about us, we are together and yes I would like some thought into it, but a lot of thought does not necessarily mean a HUGE thing.

I am pretty positive from some hints and comments my boyfriend has made that it will happen in the not-TOO distant future, and I can say I look very much forward to it (of course, not trying to get my hopes up too much, though I would love nothing more than to marry him ) and honestly to me all that matters is that it comes from him and his heart.

I think he will do something memorable, as he has mentioned he has tried to think of ways, but I mean memorable for us is not what would be for others..for example we are both huge into the outdoors, cycling and the like...I personally would think stopping in the middle of a mountain bike ride and asking me would be fantastic, but to others that would seem unplanned and unromantic. It is very individual. And again, I know he will put his heart into it whatever he does, and to me I will love it anyway it is done, as in any case I will be delighted to say yes in a heartbeat!

I fully agree with you PAdreamer. Everything you said is how I believe it to be true also. The commitment in itself is extremely romantic because for someone to be able to do that (especially a guy) is a brave thing to do, and it is a huge step for most guys.

I worry sometimes though that people who are into that whole romantic bit aren't setting expectations too high. I cannot imagine why anyone would turn down a proposal because it wasn't romantic enough, or he didn't put enough effort into it. I would have to seriously doubt the love that the girl felt for the guy if she did that.

I proposed while we were sitting on the grass in a park. I don't remember it being traditionally romantic but we both felt pretty good about it. Our marriage has lasted despite the lack of romance.

It's like people who have to have the perfect wedding - it is the marriage that is important.

 

It's like people who have to have the perfect wedding - it is the marriage that is important.

Agreed on that 100%!!!!!! I would get married in a bus shelter if need be..lol. Of course, I think I am going to elope and skip the whole broo-ha...if bf is agreeable at that time!

It really is not all about the wedding people! It is about the marriage, TOGETHER, that is.

I was very happy for her since she is a genuinely nice person. But I couldn't help comparing to my own engagement story:

 

The least romantic I have seen! My BF just came into the bedroom once Saturday morning with his robe on and gave me the little box and said: "now we are officially engaged". That's it. No asking "Will you marry me?", no romantic setting, no extra effort. And I had picked the ring myself, he just bought it.

Luciana,

I wonder why you say "since she is a genuinely nice person" you are happy for her. Is she not a gorgeous, exciting woman like you are?

Luciana I think that proposal you got can be romantic too, it just depends how you look at it. Here is a guy who had resisted marriage, finally getting the ring and making that committment you wanted for so long. That in itself something special.

As long as he makes you feel like the most special woman to him, you dont' have anything to worry about.

But, if you are going to constantly be comparing what he gives to what other men give, you have a big problem in the relationship.

Okay yes the way a man proposes to you basically says a lot about the man himself. Not kidding. I've been married twice. The first one went all out, and was really about pleasing his friends than me as he invited them all along (same way in the marriage). The 2nd well it sucked as has the marriage. How can a proposal suck? Trust me it can.

I wanted to say NO in both cases but was thinking about their feelings rather than my own. First guy I didn't want to embaress, the 2nd asked so many times I just gave up basically.

yeah... I agree with muneca. Some men are very romantic and others aren't. It sounds like your man, Luciana, just isn't the warm and fuzzy type. I'm just curious - about your engagement -- you said that you chose the ring, which means that you two pretty much discussed getting married before the "official" engagement. Perhaps he didn't feel a need to ask a question and all that pomp and circumstance, because you two had already decided to get married (hence, the trip to the jewlery store).

So, like I said, your man doesn't sound like the ewwey-gooey type. So, are you alright with that for the rest of your life. Like Muneca said, you can't spend the rest of your life comparing what he got you for your 5 year anniversary to what presents the other husbands bought their wives for the 5 year anniversary. He is who he is, and you can't do much except to accept it, or break off the engagement. I guess you could talk to him about him being more "romantic," but even if he did do those things, they might not necessarily be from the heart.

PS - Shes2smart - I think that's a VERY romantic proposal. It's lovely.

Holy Moly, so, according to some people, added to the stress and worry that a man faces in overcoming the fear of rejection in proposing marriage, now he has to pass the 'romance test'.

And people wonder why men are so afraid of commitment! Some men just can't be bothered to go through this sort of nonsense. Why can't it just be a simple "I love you, will you marry me" and an equally simple "I love you too, yes please."? That is the only test that should matter.

Why can't it just be a simple "I love you, will you marry me" and an equally simple "I love you too, yes please."? That is the only test that should matter.

Amen!

Well - to play devil's advocate... You watch TV and movies, and you see these incredibly romantic proposals. And you say to yourself, "Oh - that's just TV - that's not real life." But then, your friend flies off to Paris, and gets a book in Spanish, and gets engaged in the most sappy story you've ever heard.

And then you realize... oh - romance DOES exist! These men DO exist. So, what's wrong with me? That I don't get the ewwey-gooey proposal? Do I not inspire those types of feelings within him?

(Well - that's how I'd feel if a man proposed to me during a commercial break or something.)

And then you realize... oh - romance DOES exist! These men DO exist. So, what's wrong with me? That I don't get the ewwey-gooey proposal? Do I not inspire those types of feelings within him?

Well I suppose he may just want to marry you so you can help him work the farm and look after his children. That's not very romantic - oh, wait, hang on. Didn't they make a romantic fim about that very thing. Sarah, Plain and Tall"?

If your expectations are so high that you expect a perfectly romantic proposal, there's something wrong. A man shouldn't be expected to think about the most romantic way to propose. It's hard enough. You should be happy that he even proposes. Like I said in a past post, some of us aren't even lucky enough to have a guy even think about getting married any time soon.