Conflicts w/ girlfriends parents

My girlfriend is 32 years old and her parents forbid her to see me. The main reasons they do this are as follows:

When I first met her mother she wanted to sit down and discuss things about her daughter which I found kind of odd. She began telling me that her daughter had a lot of issues about her that I should know. She insisted that I listen. She began telling me things about her daughter's past and how she was abused by her ex-husband and how he was convicted of felonious stalking of her daughter. I had already had these discussions with her daughter and shared her (the daughter)views and concerns on the subject. Her mom began saying how dangerous he was and how her daughter needed to be protected and how scared she was for her family. This situation was already a popular topic in the gossip circle in the community and had been going around for awhile. My girlfriend shared with me that she herself didn't feel that her ex-husband was dangerous to her anymore, but her mother insisted he was dangerous to her and herself. I even had to get driveway clearence from her parents to visit her. She lived in a home next dootr to her parents on their land. I am acquanted with my girlfriends ex and I didn't feel that he was a threat either, but her mother insists differently. I made the mistake of letting her mother know about this and that I was sure that it was a traumatic experience but as an outsider looking in it seemed as though she ( her mother) was experiencing some post stress over a situation that had passed and she might think about seeing a counselor to talk about it. She hads hated my guts ever since. I would also witness her mother calling her on the phone daily and telling her how terrible, irresponsible and shameful it was for her to be dating me. She would tell her she wasn't ready, that she was being irresponsible to her children and a lot of other degradations. My girlfriend would sit and weep after every phone call with her. After a period of about 1year I could not stand to witness this degradation any longer so I called her mother against her wishes and let her know the sadness and stress it was causing her daughter. Her mother denied that it was happening and that she herself knew what Sindy needed in her life and that her daughter wasn't capable of making her own decisions. I let her know that I sat with her daughter many times and overheard these degradations at her daughter's request and that I witnessed it happening and that her daughter shared some other pretty hoorifying things that her parents had done to her and that it wasn't proper. This really ignited things and they have only gotten worse. We continue to have a relationship but her daughter sneaks to see me because her mom totally dissaproves. My girlfriend is 32 years old and I just can't understand this. She says she loves me and wants to continue to see me. There are two things she fears most: one, that her children have developed a strong bond with her parents and that if she marrys me or decides to move in with me her parents will disown her and destroy this relationship with her children, and two, that her dad had bypass surgery about sic months ago and that she is afraid he might not speak to her and pass away on bad terms. I have tried to appoligize to her mother for any problems that I have caused her but she will not except and insists that she never wants me in her life and. I tell her how much her daughter and I love eachother but she will not except this. Can you please help us all?

Unfortunately the problem is between your gf and her parents, and probably has very little to do with you.

Your gf has had a rough past, and her parents may be trying to protect her from further harm, but she is an adult and has been for quite some time, and her parents are in effect preventing her from moving on from her past and having any hope of a future.

Your gf needs to step up and let her parents know that although she greatly appreciates thier concerns, that she is an adult and a parent herself and has a right to make her own decisions.

It doesn't help that she lives on thier property, thus exasterbating the control issue her mom has over her.

You are never going to be able to compete with your gf's parents, that is something she is going to have to work out with them herself.

If she is unwilling or unable to stand up to them then you have to decide how much you are willing to put up with and how much headache this romance is worth.

I agree. Your GF is a grown woman and can do whatever she wants. She allows her parents to rule her life the way they do. I'm not saying give her an ultimatum but tell her that you need her to take charge of her own life.

Hope I helped!

Jaiva

Hi Tim,

The fears that your gf has about her father's health and her children's relationships with her parents are somewhat valid, but they are exagerated.

She is using them as a crutch to avoid dealing with this issue, probably because she feels overwhelmed and pulled in two directions, but it is not going to go away and she really needs to address this, sooner rather than later, as it is already getting out of hand.

What I would suggest is she arrange a time when she has a few hours without the children to go over and talk with her parents.

She should be prepared to calmly tell them that while she has clearly made some bad choices in her past, that she has learned from her mistakes and that although she really does appreciate her parents' concerns for her, that she is an adult and she has a right to make her own choices, and that she chooses to date you.

Now from what you've said I can't see anything about you that is raising red flags with her folks (unless you aren't telling the whole truth).

Have your gf allow time for answering any questions or concerns that your parents may have, have her let them know her concerns about jeopordizing her children's relationship with her parents and how that has nothing to do with her choice to date you. Also have her address the concern over her father's health, and that she clearly does love her parents and just wants everyone to be happy, but that she as an adult HAS A RIGHT TO DATE YOU, WITHOUT FEAR OF COMPLETELY ALIENATING HER PARENTS.

Good luck!!