I...MUST...LEAVE! (but securely)

I haven't posted on here in quite some time. I was recently contacted by someone who was a mod or something online (lija something?) and I remembered this place. My situation's changed little in 10 months and it bothers me to no end. The only difference now is that I've sought counseling locally, and now I'm not depressed anymore.

...First time I saw this place, I wondered how my concerns would ever actually be addressed. These folks seem more about emotional comforting, and naturally this place deals with a lot more folks with emotional issues, issues of personal relationships, issues of intimacy--things that are important to one's well-being, as I can attest, but are still far dwarfed by the SERIOUS, SERIOUS matter of finding a legitimate purpose in life. You know, a job, academic pursuits, charitable causes... Whatever it takes either to pay the bills or to otherwise sustain oneself while providing something valuable to the community or the world.

--

So the point...is I need that purpose. But, I'm unwilling to leave the home with my parents before I have arranged some form of work beforehand. I have a small trust fund that could get me started, but I will NOT spend it until I have some secure way of knowing I can at least replace that money if something goes awry and I'm forced to return here one more time.

I came home from college after I was double-whammied: my first ever love interest, met online, was secretly using me for her own pleasure when her boyfriend wasn't putting out--something she revealed AFTER I traveled to her place during the college year to visit her, rushing me through all of my first ever sensual experiences and almost having me lose my virginity to her; and losing financial support from an elderly beneficiary for no rational reason whatsoever. (The closest reason I could imagine is that my mom, who owns a cleaning business, was backstabbed by her partner who badmouthed this person about her and thus tarnished me as well.) Even with a full tuition scholarship and covered room and board, I still needed to make a living, and the college town, like my home town, is very small and devoid of most every occupation. I found work (part-time, like 10 hours a week) at near minimum wage, but I had a progressively harder time managing even that as I emotionally collapsed from the earlier incident.

Though my last semester was managed well and I pulled grades that surprised me considerably (only one B?? Only failed Physics because of that exam I missed?), I chose to leave afterward because of my condition.

It's only now that I could feel I'm ready to return to work. Too bad there's no work.

And now my parents are all over me... 'You're almost 22,' 'you need to get out of here,' 'we can't support you forever,' the expected banter. My stepdad makes it a million times worse--always breathing down my neck whenever I do something like spend time online ('It's my phone!'), spend money (because even if I earned it doing some odd job, it's money that should go to him instead), stay up late (because I should wake up early so I can find the job that doesn't exist for me), or just mention something regarding food (because I eat them out of house and home, of course, and I'm an absolute leech). I would not be surprised if a few people here have been in either my position or his before. I understand where he's coming from, but my mom has to defend me from him time and time again, and now she is becoming poisoned to me too!! I sat down next to her this morning and she poured this conversation down my throat...how I have no position, no standing, no stability in this home.

I have agreed both with my online pals and my excellent counselor that my backbone, my strength, is based largely upon the security of the home. I'm a pure-and-through Cancer, that's for sure. The reason I was able to work at an absolutely wretched high-volume resort job for 15 months in high school, even though I had many time restraints and was depressed over a different matter, but then left after my third day of work recently at the same place my stepdad works after suicidal desires surfaced on the job, is obvious. I need a stable home life to have a stable work life. To go crosswise is taxing on my very soul. And right now I have no spiritual life to speak of (it's totally snuffed by my everburning concerns about my future). No social life either--I haven't even left this house for any reason other than to do something with mom or search for work, not even once since I was forced to come back shortly before my 21st birthday in June. I can't really have a social life in this...this hick town!! I hate to judge, but frankly, every single one of the decent people close to my age I've ever known in this town has had the good sense to leave. I must leave too.

It is the only thing on my mind. It is the only thing on my mind.

Now it's getting to the point where I don't even care about the little people who are so much worse than me--the ones in countries ravaged by war and famine and poverty... I always told myself that I have hope and that makes me fortunate.

But what if I run out of hope?

My spirit just told me a few days ago that I'm on my own...that this is a long haul......

Where is the end...? And if my spirit is abandoning me...what good could possibly come from this 'test'?

Maybe I'm not a materialist...but for once in my life I would take anything, ANYTHING, just to leave...to leave this family that is becoming averse to my very presense, if not my existence...to leave everything...to start over...but with a chance to at least stand up again, if I should fall... It is my priority to return to college, unless I can develop another skilled trade that doesn't require four years...which would mean I could save up money through that trade until I could choose academia when I was ready...

I don't care...I'm overwhelmed by how little my family respects my wishes...how they consider me to be nothing, NOTHING...

I don't want to hear consolation. I don't want to hear consideration. I don't want counseling or conventional wisdom.

I want a way out. Someone show me that way, or provide me something to allow me to accomplish this myself. I don't want your words unless they are specific instructions to a concrete goal, and that goal includes leaving this town.

I will curse you if you give me something other than that. And I frankly don't care how selfish I am. My mood fluctuates, and I know that right now is an unusual moment for me, but I DON'T F'ING WANT anything other than this!! So don't give me anything other than a job reference, or an ACTUAL ticket out of here, or instructions to apply for work or some status that would allow me to leave this godforsaken place.

(I was at Michigan Tech University, studying Computer Science, pursuing a minor in Physics and certification in French. I repair computers for-hire here, but I get no business because of how pitifully small this town is and how many established companies in the area already provide that service. I am highly if not extremely talented in math and have a deep understanding of the English language, something partially developed as I worked toward eventually attending the National Spelling Bee in 8th grade. I also have a somewhat functional understanding of French and can at least read it reliably well. I was not overly troubled over abandoning computer science, as I have realized that my greatest personal interest and gift lies in helping people directly, possibly as a tutor as in teaching or counseling but possibly also as a physical therapist, rather than in programming behind a desk. However, I greatly enjoy working on getting computers running and helping people do what they want to do with them. My only notable work history is in food service. I would really like to change that. My heart's deepest calling is to go to Australia to live, for reasons I won't discuss here.)

SO...PLEASE...HELP!!

Dionysus / Pouring Rain

I can't believe this

Ten days have past

And still this endless rain

Keeps falling from the sky

I know I'll survive it

But this time the clouds cover the midnight sun

The beauty of my land

I know I can't cope with it anymore

I have to go I fly away

To a distant place

I take the chance and leave,

Away from this pouring rain

Night's getting closer

The season of light is fading long before it even has begun

I know I'll survive it

But that is the only consolation

When we see our precious days

Turn in to pieces once again

I have to go I fly away

To a distant place

I take the chance and leave,

Away from this pouring rain

I never knew that this would be

This is no place for me

My ship is caught at sea, the storm comes towards me

It's not that I don't like the (winter) snow

But I need sun to rest my soul

I never knew I'd need a shelter from the rain in the end of June

Maybe someone has cast a spell?[/i]

Pourquoi demander de l'aide si tu veux un miracle. Tu connais déjà toutes les réponses, alors pourquoi poser des questions?

You want instructions, here's one for you: look for them yourself. Get your act together, stop living as a victim when all you want is to be a hero. Find out what you want, investigate places where you would like to move to according to job opportunities etc and just go. Don't look back. Don't expect people to give you the answers, all they can do is help you find them, once you know exactly what it is you want.

Aim and motivation.

You belittle and besmirch my very intention.

You imagine that I have not spent much of the past ten months searching for paths, examining places where I would go? My main method, though, is personal reference. Once I have a person on my side who can help me appropriately consider a place to live (for example, a cousin of mine who lives in Oregon, and a good friend out in Georgia), THEN I can research the matter. I do not search before having a solid personal reference.

THIS is part of that plan! I wish to find someone, anyone with solid and concrete information regarding a prospective move.

The main trouble with going to Oregon is that I would need more money before I could reliably move ($1500 is not really enough). And though Georgia is cheaper, I am currently checking whether my friend's dad, who runs a caretaking business, would have a position for me, which would solve a lot of my problems in one fell swoop.

And I am not a victim; I am a survivor. The only person I would want to pity me is me, if you want to get cynical. The true victims are in Colombia, in Sudan, in rural former provinces of the U.S.S.R., in the East Pacific Islands, in Venezuela, and in any household where a spouse's or child's life is being held in check by a true tyrant.

It is not a miracle for people to come together and discuss one's future. It is not a miracle that more folks find their living through personal networking than by any other method.

And I've settled down a tad...but I still despise your assumptions.

So essentially, despite the fact that your parents have raised you to adulthood and provided you with the necessities of life, you still expect your parents to support you. Meanwhile you despise them, the town you live in and the 'little' people who have lives incomparably worse than yours through no fault of their own and who would sacrifice almost anything to give their children a small fraction of the advantages you not only take as your due but also complain about.

Now you want people on here to do the work to get you out of this apparently horrible place that you find so intolerable instead of using your own resources to take control of your life. Perhaps if you use the energy that you will no doubt use in cursing me to find your own direction in life, or did spend writing this interminable foray into self-pity, you might be surprised at the result.

My sympathies are entirely with your step-father.

Alright - here's a plan: move out of the house, you're a full fledged adult. Go back to school, get some student loans, finish your degree, and then get a job.

Wow, I hate to tell you, but your approach here is lousy and I for one read your post and the last thing I wanted to do for your whiney, self serving soul is help you.

Get a grip guy, you are 21 years old. If you don't like the way your parents treat you, get out of thier house.

If you don't like the opportunities your town has to offer, move.

Frankly, with the amount of energy you waste whining about your situation you could be actually taking active measures to change it.

I don't assume anything, only that you seem to despise everything and everybody including the very people you are asking help from.

The miracle I'm talking about is that you expect us to find the solutions to your problems. We are here to support and encourage you. If that's not enough, then tough mate.

As for moving to away, talking from my personal experience, sometimes we've got to jump without safety nets. There are no absolute certainties in life. Not having enough money should not deter you from moving forward. I moved a few thousand miles from home with £200 in my pocket. But then again, that's me. You throw the dice and see.

yep you need to move away and get into Uni, take up a job at a fast food place or learn to be a soccer referee (they pay rather well) to pay the bills, then once you have a degree apply for every job that suits your skills until you find something

dedication and persistance is the key

Well, at the risk of sounding like I am besmirching you, the fact is that you are not the only 20-something to be in the same position as you, with little money and looking for path to follow.

The fact is that those who learn to stop complaining about their position and instead just take action for their path in life are those who are able to move on. Sometimes when they move on, everything is not perfect, but they take risks and get out there.

You write a lot, and use a lot of "educated words" but you use them to complain about where you are, and about the people who got you where you are. Maybe instead of staying "safe" where you are, take some risks. Find a part time job and get out to Australia, so what if the job is not perfect to begin, many graduates of great programs have to toil away before they find the job they wanted.

Move out from home, you are an adult and should not expect your parents to support you forever. Get a part time job, or apply for student loans, or do both. Go back to school, or go to Australia to find yourself or whatever. Learn that respect goes a long way in life. And kick start yourself onto continuing your life path rather than complaining about where you are...

It's definatly doable, when I was in highschool I spent a lot of my spare time as a soccer referee, worked my way to the national level, saved my money so that when i got to Uni I could pay for my text books and so on. I didn't want my parents to pay for anything from that stage onwards but that's how I am, I like to achieve things on my own. Then into my second year a uni I applied for all sorts of holiday work within Government agencies and got one, so I got more money to last me till the end. Then in my final year of uni i applied for every graduate position i could find, was a lot of work and very stressful but I got one a year and a bit on and ive gotten promoted to another job and have just got my home loan approved so ill soon have my own house.

My parents were supportive throughout my time in high school and they did put me up for free while at uni so full credit goes to them obviously, but really all you have to do is apply yourself and be persistent, it is a lot of work but you'll get there in the end.

I don't consider myself to be anything out of the ordinary and while my parents are well off I didn't rely on any money from them to get me through University, so I figure if I can do it on my own you can.

Good for you - an object lesson in independence and self-confidence.

...guys, I...

I don't know what to say.

I have recognized for some time that one of my character flaws is that I do not know how to properly respect people, whether I actually want to or not.

I wasn't trying to offend so blatantly...I just don't get it... I've felt like throwing up all this past evening, then I come back and read all this.

Ever since the first reply, I've been trying to figure out... Am I afraid of something inside? Is there something that terrifies me so much that I won't even talk about it with myself, let alone with others?

Whatever thing that is isn't talking...but I suspect I simply have no faith in my ability to live on my own.

I tried living in Arizona a year ago. I ventured out at the personal invitation of a guy I met online, initially as a love interest actually. I rather quickly discovered I wanted nothing to do with guys, and so I profoundly disrespected his way of life, and no amount of sincerity could make up for that. Then I had a hard time even finding a job. Either it paid total crap and took up such weird hours that I couldn't search for more work ($3.50/hr???) or it was sweatshop labor, the kind where if you're not one of the best 2 percent of 'the pit' then you'll be fired without notice in three weeks' work. That or the call center jobs, which I won't even pretend to be able to do.

He ended up kicking me out, even though we maintained a somewhat friendly relation. Right before considering signing up for the military (which I thought was asinine given my history of independent thinking), I found a ministry that would take me in. They provided a lot of things at an incredible rate--which was both impressive and amazing--and they even helped me locate work (through THEIR personal connections ^^). There was an obvious toll, though--I had to act as a reforming Protestant Christian, even though I had my own developed spiritual beliefs. I suffered it for quite some time, and tried to learn a few things about Christianity as well, but it's pretty hard looking straight at an institution that doesn't tolerate free thinking.

A month later, one of my personal adventures in the urban Arizona life (something that did make nearly everything worthwhile) led me to an oddball group showcasing on the streets by the city's main University party district. They ended up taking me in, on the spot. (I had to go back to the ministry later to affirm this and pick up my stuff--I really didn't have a ton of say in the matter that first night.) My work continued just fine, even as I lived inside this apartment with drama-flinging, drug-using defuncts. Over time, they realized that I wouldn't really ever fit in with them, and after failing to really show me their 'lifestyle' and my temp job finally came to an end, they decided to spring an ultimatum: leave in 48 hours, or we send our gang connections to beat the tar out of you, possibly kill you. Regardless of whether they had these connections, there wasn't any sense arguing the point, even though I had secured another job at the time. I had been looking for other ways to live somewhere all that past month, but I simply didn't have the money saved up to do it (or the will to move out when I was already marginally comfortable there). And Arizona's one of the cheapest places in the nation to live!

The night I was forced out, I was truly on the streets. I called everyone I could seeking some sort of aid, but noone had anything immediate they could provide. I slept on the doorstep of a church a block from my previous hangout, all my worldly possessions wrapped about me. Then in the morning, the guy who introduced me to the Arizona lifestyle came...and offered me a way to return home. At that point, I didn't have much choice. Even if I had a job waiting, you can't go to work unless you can also take a shower.

--

During that time, I experienced a lot of great things about living independently. I loved being able to walk the streets all on my own or drop by a local mall, knowing that the only reason I was able to do so was my own hard work. It was more than gratifying. But I also encountered the dark side of independent life, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Without enough of a personal network, you can end up making decisions that jeopardize your very life.

Regardless, I would like to try it again.

But hasn't anyone here ever heard of controlling risks?

Am I being too ridiculous when I say I'm not going to leave insecurely? Whether it is because of a calculated understanding of what awaits me out that door, or a primal fear of either being on my own or relying entirely on my own limited intuition and street skills...I am simply not seeing the point of jeopardizing such personal potential. And yes, I have considered that perhaps I hold myself too highly, and that my academic skills must bow to my apparent lack of personal grit and fortune. Maybe this is some sort of stunt in self-preservation. I don't know anymore.

If I disrespected the folks who watch these forums, then I guess I don't have enough apologies for you. You do great work. Really. I just wanted something that apparently is not provided here. Or perhaps anywhere. But then, how do you begin a personal network? Does anyone have any Ideas where to start?

First off, I have to stay in this nation for now (visas and permits to work in other countries are something I HAVE read about, and they are typically awarded only on a strict merit basis, to people with degrees and established careers, unless you are in college at the time and want to pay a work vacation visit to the U.K., or study abroad.) Places brought up so far are: Bend, Oregon; Rome, Georgia; Phoenix area, Arizona (where I was before); Nashville, Tennessee; and possibly Chicago, Illinois. I don't know what other places might be good, and it's the personal testimony I'm looking for here.

The goal is to return to college so that I can attain a degree, and I would consider getting a vocation like massage therapy first because it amounts to the same: JOB SECURITY!!!!!!!!! The last thing I will consider is getting outrageous amounts of student loans when I have no way of paying them. The college I previously went to was paid for entirely with scholarships, though that boat has since past. From my experience, it is *IMPOSSIBLE* to get COMPLETELY subsidized loans. You must also get loans which you cannot defer. If I were required to get even $2500 in unsubsidized loans per year, it would be very difficult to even pay interest on that the first year. By the fourth year, I would be dead in the water. If I screw up on a venture like that, it is more completely certain that I won't finish college in my lifetime. I have to have an awful lot more socked away before I can consider college, and at this point I would be looking at having to either work part-time or attend part-time. Maybe I'm just too afraid at looking into the possibility that I'll be stuck in one place for the next decade of my life. That is part of why I desperately want personal connections...some crazy desire for comfort when I'm all on my own and don't know what the heck is going on around me.

I don't really have any more to say. This is kind of humbling. I wish someone here would be at least more encouraging, but I guess you get what you ask for. Maybe I already know some of the answers as to what I should do for my life. Maybe I am just stunned in disbelief. Or maybe I am just seeking something that people in general are not entitled to.

You know, I'm not always this crabby...I try to be a lot nicer when I'm not so self-absorbed like this. Sorry if I'm no good at respecting you people. I gave it my best shot, but I'm also gonna be honest. I don't know where to turn to anymore.

geeezzz..... File a FAFSA form, see how much federal financial aid you can get for college. They can give you scholarships AND subsidized loans. I'm sure you can get some. Then, go back to school. Fine, you'll get into some debt, but after you graduate, you get a job and pay off your loans. That's simply the life of a student.