why do women date losers?

lurking and posting here has impressed me with the collective wisdom present. so an age old question that has bothered me literally more than half my life, is, why do attractive, bright women date losers? as in guys who have no drive, ambition, steady job, who mooch off the girlfriends, the parents, whomever, who like to party every night but not to wrok every day-- what is it about them that is more attractive than someone who is goal oriented, focused, has drive, ambition, an upward career-- ior at least prospects-- what's up with all that? and i don't mean white collar types alone-- successful skilled labor is certainly equivalent to, if not superior to, lawyering-- but why would the hyopthetical woman date the loser pushing the broom instead of the machinist?

It's about looks. They go a looong way in the game of dating. Of course if you have a good job and make a lot of money you shouldn't have problems getting women unless you're totally hideous. But even then some women will lower their standards to get a piece of the pie.

I've had a competition with one of those guys before over a girl he's not even that interested in. They're like magnets that will attract girls to no end. In the end, the attention of the girl switched from me to him. I've had no motivation to make myself look better before or talk more smoothly, but after that event, i swore i'm going to upgrade myself to no end. And yeah, he's a highschool dropout. Imagine losing to that.

Your question is grounded in personal interactions with people. You have to look at what attracts people intially. There seems to be a significant amount of women out there who arent thinking of anything long term, all they want to do is have fun right now. Now this attitude reflects the guys that they choose to deal with, at this point they to want a guy around who is exciting charismatic etc. Now it can be the case that these guys dont have much going for them except for these qualities, but at that point these qualities are all that matters to the girl because thats what she wants. Now as time progresses the relationship between the girl and the guy may go to higher level, maybe even a level where she didnt expect it to go. By this time feelings have developed and once you have feelings for a person its hard for them to go away.

I dont believe that this is all girls though this seems to be common behavior for a certain type of girl. Instead you shouldnt concern yourself with women dating losers. These woman have made a choice to date that guy so they deserve what they get. Yes from your perspective it seems that they made a bad choice, and people will continue to make bad choices all throughout their lives. You can stress about it or just let it go. It all comes down to what that woman wants and for whatever reason she has decided to pick that "loser" instead of you, so be always keep that in mind and move on to the next girl you are interested in.

Well - I agree and disagree with what you wrote. I don't fully agree with your definition of a "loser." Just because he has a low-paying job doesn't make him a loser. If he has good qualities, and would make a good husband or dad, I think that he's datable. But, if the guy treats her poorly and is just using her as his meal ticket... well, I have no clue. That certainly isn't what I go for!

I believe that what's been said is true, "There are no coincidences when it comes to choosing our partners." People date who they do for some reason. Perhaps a woman supporting her man makes her feel like the mother she never had? I don't know. But, I'm willing to bet that women who put up with these men have had some sort of problems earlier in their lives.

I agree with Day Walker. Don't bother yourself with the losers that some women date. Just go off and do your thing. You can't help other's poor choices.

I believe that the 'losers' are usually charming, exciting and fun...and that's what tends to attract women.

The 'winners' are usually serious about the future, not into 'partying' and may come off as boring for women. And that's probably why women will pick the more exciting 'bad guy' to be with.

Practice the way you talk and carry yourself. You can still be the good guy but give yourself an edge. That's my theory.

as in guys who have no drive, ambition, steady job, who mooch off the girlfriends, the parents, whomever, who like to party every night but not to wrok every day

In some ways ...you're right, none of those qualities sound like a person anyone would want to be with..but that's not why girls go out with them. It's confidence, attraction...and just like the above, said, 'knowing how to carry yourself.'

All of those qualities are just worldly things that again...aren't great qualities, but they aren't what matter to most people. All girls care about...is how much they like you, or are attracted to you..nothing else. So you could have the great job, nice car, great looks, but that won't matter if you don't know how to attract her to you. Personality is a bigger thing in women's minds than looks..I mean, we all know looks are the first judgement, but they aren't what matter if it came to a relationship. Guys..at least most...are visually attracted, and girls are too, but its just not as important. If a girl isn't attracted to you, there's nothing you can do to convince her otherwise....it doesn't matter how much YOU love her, or how much you buy her, whatever....its just what she feels. Attraction is a feeling...not based on logic or possessions...and its not really that controllable(and that SUCKS!! haha).

What I've learned personally...is that 9 outta 10 times you ask a girl what she wants in a guy, she will almost always say "A guy that can make me laugh and have a good time"....am I right? All I've done, is learn to be that way...and its not hard...it just takes the right jokes w/ the right time, and be not afraid to tease her a little, and she'll laugh. Flirting and teasing....are pretty much it, if you dont know how..learn.[/img]

as for me, i'm off the market but i have a daughter who is getting to that age...

and it's not about money-- i have a cousin has has a low paying job but it is steady and he is responsilbe and he and his wife have been maried 25 years and they just paid off their hous and they have three kids who are in college (well, 2, i think one graduated) -- he's not a loser, he is very responsilbe-- its a combination of things.

You know ... practicing to become more confident when talking and carrying yourself will help you with other things in life rather than just women. You will appear much better when giving presentations, when you're interviewed, when you're just talking to other people in general, and lots more. Don't change yourself just so you get more women. But it does help tremendously to have some form of charisma or confidence displayed when conversing with others.

Yes, we don't believe responsible people are losers either.

This is what the first poster posted though

why do attractive, bright women date losers? as in guys who have no drive, ambition, steady job, who mooch off the girlfriends, the parents, whomever, who like to party every night but not to wrok every day--

I'm sure the poster know the answer to it already, he just wants to vent.

It's about looks. They go a looong way in the game of dating.

Very true. This works like crazy, and it does go a long way. It can get to a point where 20 girls & 5-10 guys looks in your direction if you maximize your looks. The only problem with guys is that they don't know how to take good care of themselves.

You have to look at what attracts people intially.

So true. Like being unique and with social status. Those are what girls fly towards. Even the "innocent" ones.

And also, the more experience you have with girls, the more you know what clicks. It's true that confidence and all that are involved. But you don't need a lot of confidence either, just workable amount to live a life, and that it wouldn't inhibit you from talking to girls normally, would be sufficient.

I've been myself all my life. But there are some guys who are not themselves but knows when to compliment, when to create anger, when to be unavaliable. If you have to compete with one of these guys and you still hang into the "be myself" concept. It's a matter of time before the girl switches attention. By then i wouldn't blame on the girl for this or that, but i would blame myself for not putting the effort to grasp tightly to the person you like. Sometimes you want to be virtuous and 'hope' that the girl you like would like the person you are. But you should always be armed with methods if there are guys who knows how to grab attention as effortless as blinking their eyes.

I believe that the 'losers' are usually charming, exciting and fun...and that's what tends to attract women.

 

The 'winners' are usually serious about the future, not into 'partying' and may come off as boring for women. And that's probably why women will pick the more exciting 'bad guy' to be with.

I agree with this. Thou some of the girls i know want to get married, and have kids, and all that stuff, when you get real and serious about that kind of stuff, they get scared and retreat. As much as you wan't to be a "winner" and not party, and come off as a nice caring guy, they will see you ultimatly as boring, if all you do is talk about how you wana spend the rest of your life, with details on everything about it.. So they just move onto whatever gets there attention next. You gotta mix in a little of the charming, exciting and fun and lay back on looking into the future a little. You can still do it but don't talk about the future with them, let that future happen if it's ment to be.

Joke around, flirt, make them laugh. Don't think about if your going to end up with this person in a relationship (if your dating) and just be you.. Have fun.. Or you'll come off as a dry, same old story nice guy, and proclaim you finish last...

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the "not as ambitious" guys don't call others losers?

Honestly though, you can't think of it as girls going for losers or not, they do go for what attracts them and what attracts them may not be something YOU can see - you have no idea what these guys necessarily are like on a one on one basis with the girl and so on, or what these girls rate as attractive.

I don't go for guys because they are "ambitious, goal drive, family oriented men" - I go for them because of how they make me FEEL. Now while I am attracted to men who are dependable, long term material because I am more mature now in my decisions and make choices based on long term prospects, it still comes down to how they make me feel. My partner has a good, decent job, is stable, well, educated, independent (ie does NOT live with parents or mooches ), treats me very well, is fun and I love him to bits, but I did not go for him because of all the aforementioned, I fell for him because he makes my heart jump and me smile. My pulse gets faster thinking about him. And none of that is because he has a stable job and goals and can provide for a family! It is because he fulfills me emotionally, and drives me wild physically - the longer lasting love came with more time spent, but that initial attraction was based on more than his job/career prospects/education.

If a girl wants another guy instead of you, I think its probably better not to dwell on it or think about he's a "loser" in comparison to you and instead move on. Obviously there is something that attracts her to him and while it might not last, maybe it will as they develop something more.

Well some women lack self-esteem or don't think they deserve those type of guys. Others want to help or fix people. It really depends on person.

Good question though.

I see it more this way though. As long as girls are attracted to a guy whether it's physically or emotionally, and the guy is healthy enough that he doesn't turns the girl off. The girl will continue to feel good in his presense. Or would u find that a more shallow stage of love?

The way RayKay describes it is how the guy is making her feel good. But usually, just being by her side would make her feel good.

Why do girls date losers? I agree with Annie, just because a guy does not excel in school, doesn't always make him a loser, but I get what you're saying.

I dated guys of all types, and what I find is, guys who are more goal oriented, just have a different demeanor. The ones who were successful, tend to be more 'serious'. They were the ones that were a bit more on the uptight side. I'm not saying that all educated guys are like this, but the ones that I dated pretty much were. And that clearly was a turn-off.

There's a tradeoff though. Guys who were more educated and had prestigious careers pampered me a bit. Guys who were less educated and had okay jobs, pampered me here and there, but in the end, I always felt good around the guys who were less educated, because they appeared less pretentious and more giving (although they didn't have enough to give).

In the end, what girls go for, are guys who make them feel happy. This happiness has little to do with money. Money can buy temporary happiness, but not long-term. Ultimately, we're more compelled to stay with someone who we 'click' with. There's no way to explain how we click. We either just do, or we don't. It has nothing to do with what a guy's occupation is. Anyway, nice topic!

it was interesting that people focused on self confidence, didn't feel that educaitonal attainment or job status were indicatros or loser status. but there were other criteria as well: mooching off gf or parents, and the work aspect was lack of steady job (qualifed to elminate people in careers affected by globalization), as well as others.

nor is about confidence: a lot of the so called losers have tremendous self esteem/confidence problems and compensate by demeaning their gf. and maybe that is misinterpreted as confidence.

it was interesting that people focused on self confidence, didn't feel that educaitonal attainment or job status were indicatros or loser status. but there were other criteria as well: mooching off gf or parents, and the work aspect was lack of steady job (qualifed to elminate people in careers affected by globalization), as well as others.

 

nor is about confidence: a lot of the so called losers have tremendous self esteem/confidence problems and compensate by demeaning their gf. and maybe that is misinterpreted as confidence.

True.

Without looking at a dictionary, what would you guys describe confidence as? Just curious to see what kind of answers come up.

My definition of confidence would be standing up for yourself and believing in yourself in all aspects in life. If you disagree with someone and tell them your true beliefs on something, then you have some confidence in yourself right there. If you simply went up to a girl and started talking to her without worrying about the outcome, then you have confidence as well.

But what do you guys specifically describe confidence as?

Confidence can mean several things to different people, depending what their values are in life. My definition of a guy who's Confident is someone who's not afraid to stand up for what he believes in, someone who's not a follower, but only a believer to his own beliefs. He speaks from what he knows is right, and isn't afraid of what others think.

To me, a loser is a guy who follows, not leads. He's too weak to listen to himself. Instead, he always tries to fit in and act cool. Even if it meant hat he has to act like a jerk to fit in, he does so. That's what a LOSER is, a crowd pleaser. A guy who's confident, doesn't listen to what other people say by jumping on a bandwagon. He stands firmly to his own convictions.

Lastly, that previous quote about guys who lack confidence are the ones who demean their gfs is true, very true. Guys who come off as portraying this 'tough' exterior, really, to me, aren't confident. They're a bunch of winy babies. When it comes to life's challenges, they bail out, because they can't handle it. That quote is very true, because they find women to beat on, only because they're not 'real men.' A Man does not look to beat on women, nor does he degrade them. Those who do, truly aren't real men, but only a bunch of wussies who have some kind of ego trip.

Anyway, confidence is the ability for a guy to be authentic. If he's comfortable under his own skin, and lives by his own set of values, of course, good, humane morals, then he is confident, and truly a 'Real Man'. Lastly, he has to be humble and respectful of others. Otherwise, it negates everything that he says or does in order to appear confident.

i can totally accept your definition of loser. call it a mars venus thing but i amend or modify my definition of loser to include yours.

so, now my question, using [/i]your definition of loser, why do women date losers?

Thanks Nebbish,

According to what I define a guy who's a LOSER, I think that women who go for losers either are:

1. Confused of what they want, jaded, and don't know what they want.

2. Like Jetta said, some women hope to 'fix' or 'change' men. I find that this is very true in young, naiive-women who want to change a bad boy into a good guy. Eventually, they come to realize that they're with a loser, and will dump him, once they get older, wise, & mature.

3. Loser of all losers- abusive men- women who put up with them, either are feel so invisible and so dependent on these men (financially), that they start to internalize and think that abuse is 'normal.' In other words, they don't realize that they're with a loser. They just accept their situation, because they've gone to the point of having nothing, and just come to accept it at face value.

Some women go for losers because they don't know what they want. They identify their entire being through their personal relationship. They lack identity amongst themselves. They're totally clueless, and aren't really thinking of the real reasons why they're with the men they're with. They live in constant denial. It's unfortunate, but some women are like this. Most of the women who I know, don't tolerate with men who are losers, as I described. But the women who I do know, who date losers, just really aren't using their brains to think. They just aimlessly flounder around life without any kind of goal or value, as a guiding light. With women who do know what they want, they won't often date losers. It's all about whether or not, a woman knows what she wants.

P.S.- I also think that it has a lot to do with being 'street smart.' Educated women who go for losers, probably lack the experience of knowing what a loser is like. Just because they're booksmart, doesn't mean that they won't go for losers. They make mistakes just like any other human being. In the end, they will hopefully learn their lesson. If a girl knows what she wants, knows who she is, values herself, she won't go for a loser, because she won't settle.

Perhaps the definition of losers are those whom we have unconscious hatred towards due to their behaviors that causes us to see our weak selves at a certain point in life.

Another definition are those whom we have unconscious hatred towards who happen to work in an unfavorable way towards us and that we cannot overcome/outpower them.

I agree more girls should date machinist....being that i am one hahaha....No but seriously i hear ya the girl i like keeps going back for the same old loser that keeps breakin her heart...i dunno when she'll ever realize theres a guy that would treat her right, right infront of her eyes

I dont think its just looks.

Im not that attractive, but I consider my ex a bad choice.

And he wasnt hot or anything like that, he just knew the right words to say, and how to lie to me in order to use me.

Charisma and acting skills.

Tell them what they want to hear.

so then i would ask belinda, was it charism and acting skills? is that all it is? if someone were honest and truly themselves-- instead of saying what you wanted to hear, the charisma and acting, etc., is that why?