Help me, I am drowning...

I was married to a man of my dreams.

Only for a year.

We loved each other so passionatly and I was the happiest woman on the planet waking up next to him and thanking God for bringing him into my life...It was before marriage.

After we got married we still loved each other but started fighting over stupid, mandane, domestic issues that's sometimes come in a package with marriage. He started to pull away and became rebellious, vendictive.

I tried to psychoanalyse everything and transform him instead of letting him be himself...I basically drove him away.

He got fed up, moved to his mother's house and changed phone numbers.

Yesterday I was served with divorce papers.

He is angry and confused.

I am so heartbroken, this was someone I wanted to grow old with...

He is my life, my everything... How could I let it happened?

I spent the night drinking vodka alone and smoking a pack of cigarretts( I am not a drinker or smoker)

I cried my heart out to God to take my soul, cause this pain is twisting my guts into pretzels.

I am very good looking, intelligent songwriter and I feel like nothing is left of me...

Emotional death.

He called this morning and said that He is an a**hole for doing this to me, but it's for the best.

He said, that he would still like to date me after divorce is final. He said:

Don't worry, we will be o.k.

He also said that he will help me through this difficult time.

How can I date someone who was so completely mine?

He is afraid of responsibilities that come in a marriage,doesn't like the routine, the bills...Always lived at Mother's house for free, that's were he is now.

I was always a breadwinner and he was out of work most of the time and I guess it bothered me. I told him so and he wanted out.

Now I regret it, I should of kept on paying the bills and not nagg about him being so irresponsible. I know it's wrong, but if you love someone as much as I loved him, does it matter?

After all he always had a choice to live with mother, who he is very close to,-for free. I guess I just replaced her for a while.

Now I am all alone, not willing to see the day,I spent the day laying in bed crying my heart out and regretting everything that happened to us.

I know, he still loves me, but he is also a momma's boy, who will not recupricate in a relationship. Very immature at 33.

How can I survive this?

I love him soooo much.

Should I date him? Will I be one of many? Will I drink myself to death?

Someone, please help me to stay alife.

hey hang in there, you WILL survive. have faith, you will get through this. you are a great person and you will get over this. please do not drink! that's not the answer, you don't need that. that could hurt you and other people, remember that. we're all here for you!

Hey,

Phew, sorry this is such a tough time for you.

Well, first I read this:

He said, that he would still like to date me after divorce is final. He said:

Don't worry, we will be o.k.

He also said that he will help me through this difficult time.

Have you ever seen when Harry met Sally? When Harry's wife left him she said the same thing, "I don't want to be married but we can still date." and he said, " Why would I want to date my wife? I got married so I could stop dating." I think what he was trying to say is after you are married how can you expect to go back and date your ex husband? The answer is you can't. What he is looking for is all the good that is you without any of the responsibilities of a committed relationship/marriage. How is he going to help you get through this? He is the reason you are going through this. If he was truly here for you, he wouldn't have left.

Then I read on and saw that he lived with his mother for free until you got married. The sad fact is, you are never going to be able to compete with Mom, and that's what he was looking for when he moved in with you and you were stuck paying all the bills. You are not his mother. Marriage is a 50/50 arrangement where both parties contribute to the good of the union, bringing in money, raising the children, caring for the home. It was not fair that you were paying all the bills while he was out of work but it's not a surprise, his mom has been there to care for him and support him all his life, he sees no practical reason to care for himself, and why should he? Mom created a monster by wiping his bottom all this time and then handing him over to you. Congratulations, it's a boy.

I am sorry, but I think you are better off without him. I know how much it hurts, believe me, I have been there, but the reason you didn't keep quiet and pay all the bills is because it isn't fair and it's wrong, and you knew that and spoke up for yourself, and like a child, he went running home to mommy.

If I were you I would sign the divorce papers, tell him there's no way you are going to go back to dating him since he obviously doesn't respect the commitment you made together when you got married, and move on with your life as best you can.

thank you so much Hope 75.

You are sooo right. I am just trying to hold on to what's not there any more. My love for him is not selfish and I can't think about moving on.

He is happier without me,dating me appeals to him cause he will be responsibilities free.

Did I mention that he owes me money, he always told me I will see it back once he start working...

He is working now, and his first paycheck went on filing divirce papers...

He said, he owes me nothing.

I care less. I love him. I miss him...

I drove him away by making him see the wrong in himself.

I guess am so codependent. I miss our closeness, making love to him,being in love...

It's so hard.

Feels like I will never be able to let go..

I wander why I only remember the good times we shared.

I forgot about all the ugly things, like him running to mother every time I said something that bothered him.

In fact, she was the one serving me with divorce papers yesterday.

she had tears in her eyes and showed a lot of sympathy for my pain.

She said, I shouldn;t call it quits yet, her third husband( who divorced her resently) and her were getting along a lot better after they divorced each other...That's a pile of crap! He moved to another state and all they have are phone conversations.

I am sure, she brainwashed my husband to do this.

She said, I will always be her family and the daughter she never had.

Yak! When she was gone I wandered how could I be served if they both claim to love me so much?

Woke up at 4am.

Can't sleep.

He doesn't leave my mind.

Last night tried to stay away from drinking. wAS Hard.

Do you really think it will get better?

I think I am going crazy.

Was thinking about an easy way to end my life.

I hate it.

Buba,

It WILL get better I promise. And this is coming from someone who did the SAME thing last night. I tossed and turned... drank it away. Drank that PERSON away. It is still SOO painful... but it WILL get better. Do believe in God or some higher power?

Thank you Tarheelfan for your reply.

I truly hope it will get better.

I do believe in God, but sometimes wander why he doesn't hear my prayers...

Every day is such torture. It's 9am here in California and I am making a drink to stop my guts from turning.

I was thinking about going to the Jym instead, but can't get motivated.

Don't make the drink. Not yet. Talk to me.

God DOES hear your prayers. Trust me. He is hearing every single word and there IS a reason for this. We just don't know what it is yet. But you have to do your part too. If you TRULY have faith and TRULY believe in God... then hand it off to HIM. Tell HIM. Say "God, I can't do this one alone. You're going to have to take this one over. You're going to have to help me up this mountain because I can NOT do it alone."

Pass it off to him. But remember, when times are better, and they will be, remember to give credit where credit is due. If you really believe in God, He isn't just there for the bad times. You have to acknowledge the good too.

I'm the last person in the world to be the religious type, but i will tell you this, god listens to everyone, even if you don't go to church. He's been there for me when i've been down. "Luckly blessings aren't just for the ones who kneel." Right now your in an insane state of mind, and pain, and you need someone to talk to, a friend or a parent, or relative, someone. The only way you'll start to feel better is if you start spuring out all those feelings inside. You can even post them up here if you need to. Just let go and type how you feel, how you hurt, whatever it is you need to let out. Don't turn to drinking, and drugs, those are the easy quick fixes. We can't play superman here and fix everything in an instance, and save the day, but we can help you get through this. Only if you let us.

Thank you guys.

Thank you guys.

I will try to get out of the house, out of bed, for the first time in 48 hours.

I will ask God for his assistance.

Should I stay in no contact with my husband?

I was thinking about writing an Email, telling him how badly he treated me.

I am not sure it's a good idea.

Can you help?

NO! Don't write the email yet. NO ONE can tell you whether to contact him or not because you are going to do what you have to do. BUT if you DO make contact make sure it is when you are in a GOOD place and not full of hate. You sound angry with him now (as well you should be) but an email may only make it worse right now. Just my advice.

Buba,

How are you doing?

Don't email him, just leave it be. What purpose will that serve except to make him feel bad and more upset with you and perpetuate the cycle of you feeling bad that you lashed out at him.

Your husband doesn't realize that he's done anything wrong, he;s just hiding behind mommy like he aways has.

Your best revenge is to get on with your life and find fulfillment in other things. Trust me, eventaully you will look back on this and think, "what did I see in him? What was I thinking?"

It does get easier, just give it time.

Hang in there, and stay away from the drink, do you need any more problems?

You're right, I shouldn't write.

Yes, I am angry!

I have friends in this country but unfortunately I have no family members to talk to.

I grew up in Eastern Europe and moved here 12 years ago.

He was my only family. And his annoying mother.

It was still better than this emptiness. I liked getting together for holidays.

My family back home is not a functional one.

I have an abusive, selfish , alcoholic mother who was never availible.

I help them financially, but every time I fly to visit, I hate seing her waisting away.

I left home at 15 to study in an Academy of film and Television, had a sucessful career and never looked back.

But I always felt abandoned as a child, I had to grow up fast, had no other choice. My husband was also damaged and confused, it sort of brought up those memories of me being a child.

Now more than ever. All alone. Abandoned.

What happened to my confidence?

I know he will call to check on me.

Should I play cool? Should I vent?

What should I do?

Keep VENTING hon. Get it ALL out. Talk to us.

I mean when he calls.

I know he will.

I don't think he should know that I am a wreck.

If you want any chance of getting him back:

don't vent to him

dont blame him

don't drink

don't blame his mother

None of those things will work. They will just drive him further away.

There is no guarantee that he will ever come back but your best bet is to become as independent, grounded and healed from the hurt as you can.

One thing I would like to ask you - you said he was 'rebellious' - what did you mean by that?

Hi, DN.

Thanks for your help.

He admitted to me that he became rebellious cause I nagged him about his unemploynment and tried to help him get a job.

He hated it. He let me pay the bills.

He even quit one Job, cause I helped him get it.

Soooo irresponsible.

Now, after nine months of not working, he finally got a job and claims to be very happy at it.

Now, when he left me...

Why not while we lived together?

Moving on seems hard. Just got back home and yelled at my little dog.

What is the dog has to do with anything?

I am angry. Tired of it.

Fed up. Why? Why me?

The dog will forgive you - they always do. His love is unconditional.

If you do get a chance to talk to him try talking to him in a different way. It may be too late but I will send you by pm something that may help you in how to communicate and get what you want from a partner. It was written for someone else but it may help you - if not this time then in any future relationship.

DN, I haven't gotten your pm.

Was invited to a party tonight.

Can't go. Damn Depression.

I don't know why, but when I get outside and see other people, every pretty woman in my mind could be his potential lover...

He haven't called, despite yesterdays conversation, when he said he really cared and will help me through this.

Don't I get it?

I got served with divorce papers! By his own mother!

Why am I still holding on to some hope?

It was sent last night at 7.43 and is still in my outbox marked as unread.

It's 4 am here in California and I can't sleep.

No, there were no phone calls.

His comment " don't worry, I will help you through this difficult time, I will call you a bit later" was almost 48 hours ago...

It was another lie.

It hurts like hell. No, he doesn't care. He just wants to get it over with.

I am not making any progress. God knows if I ever will.

How brutal.

I am getting angrier. He has moved on, got himself a great job and doesn't give a damn any more as I try to clean up the mess.

When he was down, I was there, supporting him emotionally and paying the bills for almost a year. He forgot. I feel used. I was his dumping ground.

My house ois a mess.

I am so sorry Buba. And if it is ANY consolation... there is a house on the East Coast that is JUST as big a mess as yours!

Hang in there my sweet... you are getting closer and closer to feeling better. One step at a time.

Thank you Tarheelfan for consoling me.

It's amazing, how my emotions change from hurt to anger, from missing him to death to hating him.

Should I just sign divorce papers and let him have his way, be a doormat ? Or should I get an attorney and ask him for my $9000 back?

Would it make me feel better or worse?

Would it be fair? Would it make me feel less used and walked all over?Would it make look like a B***h?

After all, I love him.

Should I just let him be and not ask for anything?