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Thread: "I'm not the marrying kind"

  1. #1
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    "I'm not the marrying kind"

    I have never posted any kind of solicitation for advice before, but I feel like I have absolutely nowhere left to find any answers.
    Three years ago I married a fantastic man. He's loyal, honest, good-looking, sweet, extremely kind to me, loving, everything! He is absolutely everything any woman would dream of!
    Since the day we married I have regretted it. He remains all those things above and more, but I have never felt "comfortable" as a married woman. When I would attempt to explain this feeling to my friends and family (to a more limited extent), the best I can describe it as is suddenly being very uncomfortable in your own skin. It was like I woke up one day and didn't recognize myself. Now, nothing spectacular changed in my life like I was giving up friends, free time, dreams, etc. In fact, quite the opposite. I was getting a masters degree when we married (he has not finished college by the way and is in a blue collar trade, while I am entering into a different level of professional development. I feel kind of like this increases distance between us). I then decided to pursue a PhD. (He still is working in the shop to support us and I am ETERNALLY grateful). I never thought the whole education gap between would matter... I'm not that kind of person. I don't think it can be the reason for my wanting a divorce either because I literally felt uncomfortable in marriage from day one. I finally made the decision to get a divorce (uncontested... he only wants my happiness above all else and would do anything for me). However, we are still living together and plan to continue. But I'm now wondering if after the divorce is final (next week) I will still want more space. I am now thinking of moving out (but haven't told him this part yet). Financially, it will be really tough to move out (it doesn't make a lot of sense, other than the fact that I want more space). But I still can't let myself just break it off totally with him. I don't want to hurt him and I'm not even sure I don't want to be with him. But I know that I don't want to be married and I want more space. I suppose the best thing I can do is just tell him that, but I feel as if I need some kind of compelling reason to have these feelings... and I have none. I can't even begin to explain to my family why I would do this. They love him (and with good reason), but I feel like I just can't do it this anymore. I am under extreme pressure and stress with school and everything, and I seriously am clueless about the reasons for my feeling this way. I wish more than anything that somehow this problem would just resolve itself (its dragged on and on since I can't justify my feelings to myself or anyone else). I'm so tired and hopeless at this point, I just want someone to tell me what the right thing to do is and I will do it.
    I can't understand why I can't commit and why I don't love him the way I'm supposed to. I did love him once... and I'm not sure what happened. Everyone in my life (most of all him) will be devastated by my leaving. I need to have a solid explanation for everyone and I need to do it decisively. Can anyone please please help me? Please tell me if you are (or know of) a woman who has had similar feelings/experiences. I feel like I am the first woman in history to have this problem (usually commitment problems are mens domain). I need some guidance. Any responses are VERY much appreciated!!!!!

  2. #2
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    Hey hon - First off, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You are welcome here anytime to post your thought and we'll try to help you the best we can.

    Second - You're right - your hubby (soon to be ex) sounds amazing. Can I have his number!?!? I bet there are a lot of other girls here who also want to meet this man!

    In all seriousness, it sounds complicated. I bet it must be hard to be with a great person, but feel like you don't want to be with him anymore.

    If you will be divorced next week, I think it only makes sense to move out. What doesn't make sense is for a divorced couple to live together. It just holds the both of you back from finding the happiness you both deserve.

    Do you think that there's a possibility of getting back together with him one day? I still think you should move out, get space, and perhaps, you two might realize you really do want to try to work things out once you have some time to reflect.

    Good luck - I wish you well.

  3. #3
    Member marolua's Avatar
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    Hi Lella,
    From your post I can feel what an ambigious situation you are in. But I don't think you are the only women in this world who has commitment problems. He might be a really really good men, but is that enough to spend your whole life with him?
    I am not sure but if you have got married during your masters education, it might be some age around the early twenties. And now deciding to pursue a PhD, well that is probably what has changed you this much. (Trust me I am having a PhD also)

    There is a saying, should be some
    thing like this in English: A good men is like a rectangle, it is usable for any purpose, but it has corners. AND he is usually boring.

    I have also left men who are very nice, helpful, honest, bla bla. But I was not in love with them. The question is are you in love with him?

    I think that you need to be YOURSELF, before you begin to live a life together with a person. That seems to be the missing element, and no one in the world woud understand this except than you.

    Take a road on your own, give it a try, try your own life It is by no means better than feeling together but alone.
    Good luck

  4. #4
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    Hi, Iīm obviously not an expert, but it seems to me that you are saying that your problem is in "being married", not being with you husband. You are filing for divorce and seem to think it is ok to still live together, since your problem is just the actual title of marriage. That does sound confusing, and you seem to feel guilty about moving out.

    I think that, although your husband is wonderful and all, you just donīt love him anymore. He might be a good friend, a good provider, a good everything, but you do not love him the way you should. Maybe thatīs what you are struggling with? Maybe itīs not that you donīt want to be a "wife", itīs just that you donīt want to be his wife. And since heīs great, hasnīt done anything bad to you, youīre having a hard time finding a reason to leave. But you donīt need a reason like cheating or abuse to leave...

    Just my two cents.

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  6. #5
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    Thank you all so very much! Your thoughts have prompted me to think about this situation in a different way now. Very much appreciated!!!!


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