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Thread: After infidelity has occured....(women respond)

  1. #1
    scaredsilly
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    After infidelity has occured....(women respond)

    I am interested in everyones opinion, but I would like womens opinion on this too.

    Yesterday I posted my story, I am interested in knowing if anyone thinks that things can get better after infidelity has occurred or if there is no hope for things to get back to where they were before it occurred.

    My wife insists that NOW is our chance to start over, when I insist that I dont look at her the same since I found out about what she is capable of. She is telling me that things can and will get even better than they were before, when I am worried that I am just going to waste more time and have resentment towards her for the things that she has done in our relationship.

    PLEASE help, read my other postings and lend advice....
    WOMEN, I am interested in knowing what you think after reading my story and what my wife has said.

  2. #2
    desparatehousewife
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    I've read your story and the responses. From a woman's point of view, there are two types of affairs. A physical affair and and affair of the heart. In my opinion, an emotional affair is far more dangerous to the marriage than a one night stand. She made a horrible mistake which without a doubt she feels remorse. In not telling you, she was trying to spare your feelings and I imagine was too humilated and ashamed to admit that she had been weak and done something that unfortunately happens all the time in our society. Women have had to openly deal with this type of situation for many many years and receive advice on "how to survive it and save the marriage". Just pick up any woman's magazine or turn on any talk show.

    Follow your heart. Find some confort in knowing that she did not give herself emotionaly to this other person Her heart belongs to you and that is the foundation you need to rebuild your marriage.

  3. #3
    Day_Walker
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    If you look at the reason/s why affairs happen then you will realize that there is a problem in the relationship and the affair is a manifestation of one parties displeasure. It is possible that things can go back the way they were or be even better, but its going to take work from both people. Even if one party is unable to put forth the effort necessary to make the relationship work then it will be a failure. If you are having problems seeing your wife in a different light after she has cheated then you need to address those issues before you decide if you want to even try and work things out. There are instances when its best not to work things out and you need to decide your next course of action before decisions get made too quickly and you end up regretting what you have done.

  4. #4
    scaredsilly
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    So, the question is....

    How do I get past how I see her NOW? It is very difficult for me, obviously I thought she would never hurt me, but now I know she is capable of much more. How do I get past the resentment I have towards her for not saving herself for me, physically and emotionally? How do I see her like I once did?

  5. #5
    kskm
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    Nope, I hate to say it, but once she's cheated there is no trust. You will always be questioning things, always. It will drive you crazy plus there are so many girls out there that will not cheat on you, becasue they will value your relationship more than that.

  6. #6
    spiderman_56
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    I think there r 2 kind of affair ... the one which is strictly physical, just to 'empty' itself and the other one which is emotional. The sexual cheating is somewhat 'understandable' ..but not acceptable ... we are all living beeing and 'animals' ... we would be lying if we deny the sexual urges we might feel for others and the fact that another male or females can turn us on or make us desire them ...

    SHe broke the rules , because it was well understood that it was a monogamous relationship , u don't f**k others and she broke it and for that reason , a 1/1000 sec past the time i knew she cheated , she would have been trough the door ! ..cuz someone who can't stick to an agreement has no value whatsoever ..human nature.

    I think you made a big mistake , she screwed up but you screwed up big because you showed little respect to yourself... you let it pass , u let it get in ur way of life and kill u inside like a virus, growing certainly but surely...You should have confronted her years ago , at the moment you knew she strayed , took charge and call her on her actions .... this is crucial ..in life and girls ..always call ppl up on their bs , cuz if u don't ..that will be considered as an okay attitude and they will repeat it and don't even hope that they will do the right thing ...cuz ppl r not considerate of others... and if u do call them on their bs they will respect u for it and most of all you will respect urself ...

    The best thing you can do is cut everything loose ...take some time off for urself ...to rest ur emotions and see clearly in all that ... at this moment whatever she feels for u is pointless... and the truth is , after someone has cheated the normal partner has no or little value because they have just proved that they can get someone else to do the damn same job ! plus there is some adrealine rush cuz it's someone new ...
    and it's that value we attribute to our love as the 'only' person who can make us feel 'that way'...

    I don't think she loves you anymore because u r no longer 'special' ..do urself a favor and forget her ...and if she truly loves u she will prove it .

  7. #7
    heat
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    I honestly believe that there is a reason for everything. If some one falls in love with another person I feel that is more unforgiveable then a simple role in the hay. Sometimes when you take someone for granted then yes it can be a wakeup call. Maybe its better to habve a spouse who still loves you and has realized they made a mistake and rebuild the relationship then for your spouse to fall in love right under you nose and you had no idea. If it were me and I wanted to remain with my husband then the person did not mean anything. It was sex. Just like with men

  8. #8
    LostInLA
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    Hmmm...I tend to agree with you...

    if I ever cheated on my husband, I would NEVER expect him to stay with me. Hence, I would never cheat on him unless I was ready to say "goodbye." I also would never stay with him if he cheated on me. I'm progressive in most areas...but I think that once that trust is betrayed (at it's something really feral and deep with humans), it's gonzo and there's no getting it back. You can almost get it back, but it will never be like before. Some people say that it's a different kind of trust...but seriously...I would never be able to get over the "Hey if you were looking to have sex with someone else why didn't you tell me BEFORE you did it and then give ME the option of choosing what to do with this knowledge?" thing.

  9. #9
    sunnysky2k
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    I remember someone saying " cheating is symptom of ..."
    My case, physically and emotionally, total separation from my spouse...He is so deep into his own unhappiness...depression...
    We haven't had sex for year...Legally we're married.
    If you think you do your share as a spouse and she cheated on you, then I don't know the answer.
    My situation, it's matter of filing divorce...it's painful but I will do it before I am too old...
    Please, talk with her. You know what caused her to cheat better than anyone...if not then talk her why.
    Good luck!

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  11. #10
    mrmaximum
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    Cheating is NOT a mistake.

    It's a series of choices that happen that lead to a result, which one knows about beforehand. People see the signs when in a social environment, heck, you saw them when you met your SO. thereforeeee, when you are in a committed relationship and you see these same signs from someone else? Well, you know better. Sure you shouldn't have given this guy/girl your phone number, or danced with them on the dancefloor. But from getting to know someone to getting in the sack with them are a series of steps that have to be requested from one party and then accepted by the other. A mistake, no, sorry.

    So you guys had some issues, okay, i can see that. But ALL relationships have issues, ALL OF THEM!! Here's the sitch, life can be tough on relationships, plain and simple and we all know that. But here you are looking at your car that you love so much that blew a head gasket and the mechanic is telling you that it can be fixed over time with a lot of effort but it may not be the same. Now you have to wonder if this car that you have invested so much time in is worth the long trek accross the wilderness.

    Only you know for sure, but the fact that you knew for 2 years and expected her to come clean while she didn't was very damning. I see where you are coming from with that but I believe that it did more harm than good. As for her, well, I'll be honest, you will NEVER feel like you did again. Ever, things may get better, heck you guys may even move past this, and I really hope you do. But like KSKM said, trust will never be back to 100% and with the fact that you knew she was lying to you face and was clearly covering her own @ss, well, what do you say.

    Gang, a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link. Life has it's ups and downs and there are days where I and my family are tested with the things life throws at us, at times it can feel like your climbing a mountain!! If you where to go and climb Everest, are you going to bring a harness with you that ripped horribly in the past and are not 100% confident in it's ablilities to hold you up?

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