help..

i'm almost shaking too much to ... to type this..

i don't .. want to die..

but it's killing me to live like this..

i ... i can't live without my mikey. i can't live with everybody.. hating me... because i can't do any thing. i can't be with them, i can't be without them..

i can't even cut myself right now.. this knife's too dull... and i.. i don't want to.. but i dont' know what else to do..

please..

tell.. me .. what to do..

i'm sorry... i've... calmed down some now..

whew.....

ok....

but when you're rocking back and forth, whispering to no one in particular, "dream with me baby" and begging, ..... you know there's something wrong with your head. heh.

as for my m... heh. as for that guy. he... i supposedly spoiled his plans for seeing me, because my parents are butt holes, and won't let me see anyone from anywhere. that and this part i didn't tell him, i can't see him yet because i haven't had that ... weird.. "sexual reassignment" crap done yet. so... yeah. he got mad, because i can't go visiting him and whatever, i spoiled his plans. me. my fault. i'm trying to ... fix my body, i'm bleeding for him (yes, i'm a cutter, i'm not going to say it any prettier.) i'm crying for him, i'm doing everything i can to speed up the whole change process, and... he...

frack. i'm just... blown away.

he's mad at me. the only one i've ever loved so hard, so... much. and he just.. walks away. just tosses it away. for what? nothing. i'm sure he's just as hurt, but he doesn't understand ...why.

i'm just.. at a loss as to where to go from here. i was living day to day based on him. when i'd see him next, what i'd do, where i'd go.. what i'd do after high school... i changed my entire life plan around just for him.

i suppose this is heard here often, but i'm not used to it.

i've only had one other bf before (both online.. yeah, real stable.) and.. he just left one day and never came back. so... that was a kick in the pants, let me tell you this.

i just.. don't know what to do. i honestly felt like dying. still do, but with much MUCH more sarcasm.

man... i just need some help with.... how to... deal with this garbage. and i dont' mean "breakup advice" because that's not where i want this to go.

I KNOW IT HURTS TO LOSE A PERSON YOU LOVE . MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME BECAUSE SHE DECIDED THAT HER LIFE OVERSEAS WAS WHAT SHE WANTED RATHER THAN ME AND A LIFE LONG HAPPY LIFE WITH ME . WE WERE PLANNING TO MARRY . TALK ABOUT SHOCK . I COULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT SHE TOLD ME . BUT I FEEL THAT SHE WILL REALIZE ONE DAY AND COME BACK . I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT SHE WAS WRONG AND SHE SHOULD COME BACK . BUT SHE CHOSE THAT . BUT I STAND TALL AND KNOW THAT GOD LOVES ME AND ALL WILL WORK OUT FOR MY GOOD . I SAY YOU SHOULD THINK THE SAME . YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON AND YOU SHOULD NOT GET DOWN OVER YOUR BOYFRIEND NOT REALIZING YOUR WORTH . GO OUT , BE WITH FRIENDS AND PRAY GOD WILL HELP YOU . GOOD THINGS WILL HAPPEN . GOD BLESS YOU . YOU CAN TALK I WILL LISTEN . TAKE CARE ,

umm... ok then. i'm sorry.

as for me, i'm.. hoping this isn't "losing the one i love" because... yeah. that would suck like.. a vacuum cleaner on speed.

but thank you anyway.. you're... cool. heh.

i'm just wondering what i'd do about the.. other stuff still. i mean.. my life is the epitomy of crap right now, and will be for the next three years. two if i'm really lucky.

most people say their worst time of their life was in high school. i say, mine's worse. heh. not only am i having most of the problems the other kids are having, add onto that that you need a sex change. i mean come on. who really needs that kind of stress? i hate shaking like a bumble ball... oh well.. i'll just get more and more depressed until my parents finally let me get some sort of help..

i think you should keep talking to him , but in a less pushy way . in other words show you care and be there for him , but dont push . show a little independence . it may help . he may turn around and want you . sometimes people dont realize what they have until it is not around them . i say give it time . meanwhile focus on yourself and doing things that make you happy , being totally in his world only , is not fair to you . you had a life before you met him , so think about your needs and likes . good luck for now . take care .

well tanks.. heheh. ^^ i almost forgot what .. i used to do.

ok so i did. but tank you anyway.. i'll try to let up a bit..

Hey,

It is hard to deal with losing someone you love. I agree with the other post.....give him some space. I honestly cannot give you any advise on how to deal with that situation.....I have never been in love so thereforeeee I have never lost.................BUT I do know some thing about wanting to get the hell out of this world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A couple yrs ago, it seemed to me that nothing I did was right...I hated every one and every one hated me. My life was a complete mess, my head was completely gone and I just could not deal with the pressure of every body's opinions and blatant recentment. At one point I seriously thought of ways to end my life...........

Then I realized one day...thank GOD......That my life is not a game, I don't screw up this life and then say...."ok, do over'.........it doesn't work like that!!!!!!! ..........and this is what I want you to realize too.

I know what your going through seems endless and I know it hurts like crazy, but honey.....nothing is forever!!!! We don't get more than we can handle. With some help I know you will be able to get past this hurtfull time in your life.

I thought I would never finish high school......I hate those kids so much.....but I did finish, I went to college....met some incredible friends, graduated got a great job. Now my life doesn't seem so empty, I am happy....I have so much right now, friends, family, love ect..........It wasn't easy, it tock work and committment.

You have to make to choice....how are you gonna live your life????? are you gonna make everbody controll it or are you gonna take controll and do what you have to do???????

You seem like a smart kid, I am sure you will figure it out.

Good luck with everything.

kere