having weird problems with stuff..impatience being the worst

k so... um...

well, let's just say, i don't have my .. um..

i'm looking to get an operation done. *hides* see, i was sorta kinda born female.. physically. even though i consider myself to be male.. um.. in my head.. and... yeah.

yeah. i'm one of those weirdos. 9-9;

in any other case, i could wait another two years to get something like that done, since i obviously am considered "underage" and well.. miserable.

but...

there's this dude.. that wants to meet me in the summer.. i really like him, and he really likes me, but.. i'm afraid of meeting anyone particularly special before my operation stuff... 'cause... i think they'd be disappointed that i wasn't born completely male, just..like i'm disappointed about it. and.. um.. yeah. it's happened before.. my first-ever gay friend online was all happy with me, and for once in my life i actually liked him, but he went all mean on me and told me i was fake and a liar and that i wasn't important and other stuff... i guess i'm just afraid of hurting someone else and being hurt in the process...

any.. er.. suggestions..?

Well, first of all, you're not a 'weirdo'. We all have things on our bodies we are not happy with.

So, you're male but don't have a penis, is that right? I know it's a personal question, i am just trying to understand your situation a little better. So, if you're going to stay male, do you identify yourself as being gay?

I mean, it's really tough. We all have things we don't like about our bodies. I have a birthmark on my stomach that is about half as big as the palm of your hand and i feel self-conscious about it even now, because it stops me from doing a lot of things, but i realise that i have to love myself and not let it bother me.

If somebody has antagonised you for being who you are, then that is their immaturity and is really narrow-minded. I wouldn't take it personally. That person is obviously really young and inexperienced with things and probably didn't know how to handle something he hadn't encountered before.

As you get to know people further, you can disclose more about yourself, as you get to know them. The thing is, life is tough for anyone who is 'different', whether it be sexually, their gender or race. You just have to keep standing up for yourself no matter what.

Hey nosfetorious (cool name),

1. Welcome here!

2. you are not a weirdo

Now that's been ruled out:

Are you in the process of hormonal treatment/counselling? A friend of mine was born a male, but hid the fact that he is actually a woman inside for 40!!! years. She (yes, she is really starting to look like a she!) is going through a whole lot. On top of it, she's married with a woman. There is zilch left of the marriage.

You are 15, and I think it will be ok to just go out with the guy. Maybe restrict a bit to casual dating, not going for sex or anything like that. I can imagine your experience with your other 'friend' has really scared you. It's a difficult process. Sometimes we really can't prevent hurting others, you know. You are a male inside, and you will be miserable having to live as a woman. Your happiness comes first. Maybe you should wait with relationships after you are through this process. In a real relationship, you'd want to be able to be honest, I think. It will be ok, I'm sure.

I'd really like to hear more of your story, maybe I can help some more.

Take care,

Ilse.

....k. well i got most of that..

yeah, i'd say i identify as gay, but.. i dunno. other people'd beg to differ.

i get the whole.. other dude was an idiot thing.. but..

you kinda lost me with the rest of it. o-o

^^; thanks about the name and welcome thing.. heh

and the not a weirdo thing.. hm...

the .. counselling and whatever... um no. there's this therapist lady that my mom made me see, because i refused to talk to her about anything, and she's worried about the cuts on my arms... (i seem to have another problem with that.) but that therapist lady seems to think i'm a lesbian instead of trying to understand it.. >

interesting story thing.. hm. that's... really something.

Hey,

Being a male on the inside and female on the outside is really a thing that should be recognized by a professional as being genderdysphoric/transgender. Is this person a psychologist, or like a social worker?

I suppose you have known you are in fact a man from very early on?

Well, cutting could be a way to deal with the frustrations this problem gives you. I think it should really be recognized. I have a close friend who specialized in helping transgender teens during the process. I myself am no professional, I would really recommend you to take your stand, tell someone how this is tearing you apart, and seek the proper counselling.

I will ask my friend for some more things that could help you. I am Dutch though, so it might be that I first need to translate some stuff. lol.

Ilse.

....k. well i got most of that..

yeah, i'd say i identify as gay, but.. i dunno. other people'd beg to differ.

i get the whole.. other dude was an idiot thing.. but..

you kinda lost me with the rest of it. o-o

Okay, sorry! I was saying, love yourself. It doesn't matter what you look like etc., it's what you are on the inside (your personality etc.) that is important. But what the above poster said about casual dating is good advice.

Ilse is a cool name. ^^

that person's a certified "children's mental health therapist" and... yeah. (although my mom does work with social workers.)

hm... far as i can remember i've always known i was male.. and before i came to that conclusion, i thought i was weird, and i wanted to be a cat.

hm... i don't really know about the whole stand thing though..

i live and go to school and stuff near a weird little homophobic town, where everyone and their dogs are cowboys, and the area around where my house is... it's too dangerous for me to even take a walk outside my driveway. >

it's just odd. *pouts*

^^ oh, alright

heheh thanks..

hm.. *blinks* i shall indeed ponder these things.

thanks!!

I always wanted to be a cat as well! (Still want to, I have to admit

Anyway, you seem really stuck between the rock and the hard place... In this respect, life in a big town is really easier I think. I have always been a town-girl (not Amsterdam but similar big cities), and have no experience with living in a place where people know so many things about you.

The pressure of religion can be really hard. The friend I referred to, was a member of the church my parents go to. I am not religious myself, but I still go sometimes to meet the old friends. However, the church really treated him/her as if she was 'ill' and 'this was a test from God'. He is no member anymore, the pressure got to high.

Talking to your mother despite of the religious issues that play a role in your family would be really courageous. I myself still hide parts of my life for my parents for the exact same reason you mentioned. The lectures about hell, and how mankind was supposed to be when God made us. I understand you really don't need that. However, I think your mother might respond differently once she knows how this is killing you inside.

She works with social workers? Does she have any experience with the problems you have?

About school, and living in a small, narrowminded town, you don't have to tell people about this. What they think about you, or what you think they think about you is really irrelevant. Are you planning on leaving town and for example study in a big city?

About the counsellor, does she know you have been a male inside for as long as you remember?

Ilse.

my mom works mostly with parents that drink and leave their kids to play in the dirt with no shoes, or food and sometimes no clothes... those kinda parents.. there seems to be a lot around here. and.. nothing really with anything beyond those things. i was actually planning on getting as much education in high school as i could here, like.. summer school and no spares and whatever.. then going to germany for university.. or at least edmonton.. heh

i like living in cities better... i seem to just.. fit better with the variety of people. ^^ cities can be so awesome.

back to that counsellor chick... i've told her this specifically before, a few times, and i thought i had made it clear in other ways like.. not wearing specific "girl's clothing" and stuff.. but i don't think she has much experience with something like this..

the religion thing's a really touchy subject isn't it though? hm.. i remember last time i went to church there was a new priest, and he was really against the whole gay thing in general. he said that gays and wife beaters and child rapists and whatever were all in the same category and weren't worthy to receive communion.. so i didn't go up there people just stared... some kid sitting with a blank face, all alone, wearing black. that must have looked sorta suspicious..

hm...

Oh, great, I think you'll really enjoy Europe/Germany!

Well, I'd just try to open up to your mom. Is she aware of what the therapist thinks of your problem? That she thinks you're a lesbian? I would find that kinda odd, regarding the fact you feel you are male, and are attracted to males!

Take care,

Ilse.

^^ i'd really like going there, even just to visit..

i'll try talking to my mom.. hm...

well thank you anyways ^-^

I wish you strength!

Keep us posted,

Ilse.

... he wants me to live with him in calgary... obviously this has to be after the whole ... operation/surgery whatever thing... but ... would that be a good idea? o-o hm...

that's got to sound like a step backwards or something...

but it's.... something i've wanted for a long time.. not to have to worry about stuff here, not having to worry about being qualified to be everywhere and everything, but.. just one man. lol

this guy... really.. i don't know.. i guess he just put on some tinfoil and cardoboard, and went riding around on a wooden horse.. so i went running after him. *huggles self*

anyone know where i can get stuff done? (adhering or whatever to my original q, not like.. homework or manicures or whatever.... 'cause a manicure would be weird, and my homework's fine where it is.. 9-9)

i just can't seem to find resources for what i'm... um.. talking about.. offline. it's all right there on the internet, but.. internet surgery. wow. that's overrated alright.

i haven't tried talking to my mom yet.. i keep imagining what she'd say.. and it'd probably include her getting all .. disgusted.. and disappointed. (i don't know how disappointed she could be, she wanted a son in the first place and got one. sheesh.) i'm just.. not ready to be shunned. not until i can support myself.. on my own... (please, no bra jokes. they're getting old.)

talking to that lady seems ok.. but now that i told her about my .. er.. shiny armored dude, XD .. she seems more interested in that than anything. i think she's still just a little girl at heart.. likes hearing stuff like that.

to repeat my q, since ... it kinda got lost in that pile of words there...

is there anything.. that people might know of, anywhere in canada, preferably in .. a saskatchewan - british columbia area... that would be of use to me? like... a world class surgeon that boasts his expertise in exactly my situation, advertised on tv with a shiny red cape? ... (kidding. no cape or tv..obviously.)

and she's worried about the cuts on my arms... (i seem to have another problem with that.)

So why the cuts on the arms? You say it's another problem? It seems strange to me that these problems would be unrelated, I would at least think they may be 'caused' by another problem, or that one of them 'causes' the other one...

but that therapist lady seems to think i'm a lesbian instead of trying to understand it.

...but this was before you told her about the shiny armored dude, right?

... he wants me to live with him in calgary...

Sounds nice but um... you didn't actually meet him yet did you?

anyone know where i can get stuff done?

That sounds like a question to ask the therapist lady, once she's ready...

talking to that lady seems ok.. but now that i told her about my .. er.. shiny armored dude, XD .. she seems more interested in that than anything. i think she's still just a little girl at heart.. likes hearing stuff like that.

Call me a little girl, but if I was in her place, I think I would want to hear about this too. Nicer too hear than the cutting, and probably not less interesting.

Have you got any brothers/sisters, nosfetorious? And where's your dad in this story?

the religion thing's a really touchy subject isn't it though?

Dunno... is the average Canadian an equally fanatic christian as the average American? Here in Belgium, you don't meet that many people who believe in it, most don't care at all about what the bible says...

The only thing that burns in hell

Is the part of you that won't let go of your life

Your memories, your attachments

They burn them all away

But they're not punishing you, they say

They're freeing your soul...relax

Hey!

Yeah, I guess you have done enough research on the web. The web can be a confusing source of information, I have found some sites too, but I will refrain from posting them here, I assume you've seen it all.

I recommend you to also visit forums for transgender teens especially. I know they are there, just google 'transgender teens forum', maybe even with 'canada' added.

Next to that, I am sure you can visit a health care centre for sexuality-related issues. Just for the information. I am still working on the info I can get from the friend of my best friend. She is in 3 jobs and going crazy, but I will ask her soon! Maybe she can recommend you a good book with useful tips on handling this in your family, your school, and mostly, for yourself.

There is nothing wrong or weird about you. THere are many people who have this problem, and there are things that can be done. The only thing I know that before they will 'select' you for a procedure (operations etc), you will really undergo a lot of things, from talking to a counsellor specialized in genderrelated issues to eventually taking hormones, and talking to a surgeon. It's not something that can be done overnight.

If I were you, I would really focus on the first steps and find reliable information at a local healthcare centre. Then you can make an appointment, maybe there is an address for a support group or specialized person in there. Take it day by day and step by step. Thinking about a relationship with this guy is really quite a lot of steps down the road you're just starting to walk on.

Stay friends with him. You're too young to move in with anyone at this age, really. I am 25 years old and still not ready but that's another thing

Keep us posted!

Take care,

Ilse.

Fenrisulfr - the cuts stuff... it isn't really unrelated, just.. distantly.. sorta. it's more like a... yeah. the first one causes the second one. ^^;

.. yeah, it was before the shiny armored dude, and i'm calling him that 'cause... well, it's apparent.

nopes. didn't meet him yet.. but when somebody just ... i dunno. i'm still in the whole.. *koff koff* i'm living with him.

the therapist lady.. i don't think she knows much about it.. but it might be worth it to ask more..hm.

i've got a younger brother.. and a whackload of little cousins.. and an older one. (i'm counting them too ... simply because ... they're practically my brothers and sisters) my dad... i didn't put him in there? o-o odd.

i love my daddy. heheh.. but he... doesn't seem to like me much. i dunno.. i've always had trouble with him, but i just.. keep trying.. kinda gave up on my mum, but she's not always as bad as i make her sound..

just most of the time.

when you live in a little redneck town like the one i go to school in, religion is huge. it's like... stupid huge. and then people look at me funny when i do my own cultural stuffs... they're odd about everything.

so... yeah.

ilse - i've seen a lot of stuff.. maybe not 'it all' but yeah.. lots. enough to know that this year i'm 'eligible' for that .. first step type stuff.. where i can have stuff that's.. slightly reversible, but not quite.. just to get me into the hang of things..

i appreciate you trying to help ^^ it's so awesome...

i know it's really early.. but the whole moving in thing wasn't anything soon... it's more like.. a few years from now sorta .... like after i'm finished school and procedure and whatnot. i was hoping to live with someone after schooling stuff anyway, ... i'm too afraid to live on my own i can't even cross the street without at least strangers with me..

hafoo.. i stay on.

Hey nosfetorious,

I think for the start of the procedures you can already get yourself a doctors appointment. Just to talk about things, right? I mean they really won't start you on any procedure before having seen you over a longer period of time.

About your city. Seems really narrowminded to me, there. Hang on to the thought that your personal happiness is in the end the most important. Those people who will comment on you or have 'opinions', well, you never asked for their opinions, right? I know it can hurt anyway.

Do you have close friends in town?

Ilse.

i used to have friends in town.. but the goot ones moved away, the bad ones all stayed and got worse. >

I don't know how small the town is of course. Is it like that small that there is only one school? Yeah, it's definitely not helping that they moved away

If there is another school, maybe you could switch? Or join in some activities outside of school? Like sports? It's usually a great way to find new friends.

Ilse.

there's only one other school i'm able to go in that town... and i'm not much of a hockey or a tae kwon do nut. the other school i've already been to.. and it's a catholic school. not that that's bad, but i left it because i was getting severely depressed there.. what with old ladies yelling at me and teachers telling me i'm incompetent (however you spell it)

the new school's a little better, in that.. no one cares who you are or what you do until you scare them. kinda odd, but that's how it works.... 9-9 sad really. my mom was thinking of moving to the other small town her sister lives in, but... i'm not so sure about it.. moving would be fun, but i'd be farther away from what i'm used to.. i mean i've lived in the same house for the last 11 years, counting this one.

hafoo..

nice suggestion though. heheh ^^

i just had to add this, even if i am ... being odd.

^^ but i love my mikeys..

*huggles self*

and... yeah. that's part of my problem. it's happy, yet risky, and..

man... he's amazing... *turns into a goopy pile of sap*

just.. yeah. lol

so i'm a bit of a.. i don't know...show off. lol

i guess i'm just making things worse, but.. i'm like a depressed optimist, y'know..? hm... no idea what to do still... 9-9;;