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Thread: He's Just Not That Into You-Has anyone read this book?

  1. #1
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    He's Just Not That Into You-Has anyone read this book?

    For those of you who are actively dating out there...it's a tough game to play. I heard about this book mainly because I've been trying to figure out what the guy is thinking when there seems to be too many questions on why he hasn't called etc.

    The excerpts basically say that in general, men like to do the pursuing and that if the woman turns the tables around and does the pursuing that it ultimately turns the guy off. Is this true guys???

    The book also says that if the guy likes the woman to pursue him, then that means that he is just lazy.

    Any thoughts on this guys?

  2. #2
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    Ok - so I am the BIGGEST fan of this book.

    I think that the major message from this book is that if you are in a situation with a guy, but he never calls you, isn't "dating" you, doesn't want to marry you, he's seeing other people, or if he only wants to see you when he's drunk, then... HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!

    I watched an interview with the authors on Larry King Live on CNN last month. They said that it pretty much applies to 9 out of 10 instances. Sure, there are exceptions to the rule. Some men are shy. Some have severe personal issues, so they can't get into a relationship. But, in general, I think that once you've gotten past the initial getting to know you phase, if he's being standoffish and weird, it's basically because HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!

    It would save a lot of women thousands of dollars in therapy if they just read this book....

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    You know, I saw the Oprah show about this book. I agree. However, I always felt that that was 'common sense' knowledge. When Oprah mentions, (the author, forgot his name) "invented a new slogan that women should remember: He's Just Not that Into You!!" Well, I thought, "Geeh, I mean, isn't it obvious?"

    Not to offend anyone, but this is my take on this. As women, we are naturally more intuitive with our emotions. Though this is a generalization, not all women are intuitive. So, I guess this book would be good for women who aren't intuitive to the 'dating' rituals. For me, I've always been intuitive and keen on other people's intentions. So a book like that for me, doesn't offer any new insight. But for others, it does.

    If you feel as though it may help you, I say, purchase the book or check it out at your local library (if they have any copies). In the end, like Oprah jokingly says, "It may prevent years of long-term therapy!" (Btw, that was probably one of my fav. Oprah shows! It was quite touching to see that we all can relate to each other to some degree.)

  4. #4
    Super Moderator annie24's Avatar
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    Yeah - I agree. I'm a smart chick, but for the first part of my "dating" life, I just didn't get it. Guys would tell me, "Oh - I'm just busy with finals right now - It's not you, it's me." So, I would keep calling, and then I'd be scratching my head as to why, now that finals were over, that they weren't dating me?!? Now, in hindsight, I see that they just weren't that into me, but they didn't actually want to come out and say it.

    Yes ladies, if you are dating a man who is "too busy" to call you with a quick 5 minute phone call, and is "too busy" to meet you out for a cup of coffee, HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU! Because, really - think about it. When you like a guy, you make the time to see him - even if you are really busy because seeing him makes you feel better... Just are just like us in that way....

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    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
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    Yes I have read it, I think its not new news or information, but likely will drive the point home to many women who keep making excuses for their guys being too busy, or too stressed, or just not ready for marriage (after 5 years together for example) or who forget to call. We all know women who do this, heck some of us may BE these women.

    There are always going to be SOME mitigating factors that maybe get in the way, but basically the point of the book is you deserve someone who will return what you are giving to them. Do not settle for less, do not make excuses for your partners bad behaviour, do NOT settle out of fear for someone who is NOT into you 200%.

    Relationships are work yes, but it should be work that you both WANT to put into it! If a guy cannot give you HIS time, then its time to let him know that he is not worth YOUR time either. This does not mean you should not put any effort into a relationship or a guy - but you should be able to identlfy when it is a good investment.

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    men who don't pursue women even though they like them are probably weirdos.
    if he needs the girl to take the initiative he's probably got issues with trust, self-esteem, misogyny or some other mental illness.
    avoid these types at any cost

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    I love when a woman takes initiative! It feels nice to know the woman is interested and makes that interest apparent.

    It is wrong to assume that men are the ones who HAVE to take the first steps. So many times women are completely overwhelmed with cheese ball dudes always coming up and making the approach. Almost every girlfriend I've had made the first move. Not that I wouldn't have but they made it very obvious they liked me and even went as far as asking ME out! That was great! Not a turn off at all!!

    If you see or have met someone you like GO FOR IT!! you have nothing to lose.

    If a guy doesn't make the initial approach it isn't because he's lazy....maybe it's because he's just not that into you?

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    This is how I think of dating. Instead of going through the hassle of putting our hopes up, approach dating in a rational way. Place ourself in a guy's shoes. Pretend that we are the guy. Men tend to be rational and approach situations logically. Try to think like the guy we're dating, strategically. This is how I see it. How would a guy approach me, logically?

    Is he sincere? If he's sincere about me, then what is his approach? If he's genuine, then he's not following a set of strategic rules. Instead, he's just being himself, and treats me like how a lady should be treated. Does he adore me? If so, how? What does he say or do to show it? Does he actively show interest and ask personal questions about me?

    Is he a phony? One thing that ladies should realize is, just because a guy may act like he's totally into you, this is not always the case! Players have a good way of projecting that image. This is what I call the Don Juan wannabe's. We need to be able to spot out guys who are phonies. How would a phony approach this situation? Buy me a dozen roses on the first date and sweet talk the hell out of me?? Shower me with presents, gifts and cards that mean nothing?! Tell me he see's us married and having kids within the first month of dating? Why would he say this? Is it because I haven't given into having sex, and he says this to me as an ulterior motive to get laid? What would his intentions be? Any guy in his right mind will not straight out tell a girl he wants to marry her within the first month of dating (Not unless if they have a history of being good friends for a long time, hypothetically, say 2 years). Just be aware of false promises.

    To sum it all up, it's all in the guy's actions. Simple as that. Look at his words. Do they match up with his actions? Approach the situation, and think of how a guy who's genuinely sincere would treat the lady that he's totally into. Like the book says, "I'm busy" sounds like an excuse. Does that sound like a guy who's enthusiastic and is totally into you? No. An excuse is an excuse. Don't buy into it. This is his time to make a good impression. It's his time to show enthusiasm about this relationship.

    The secret to all of this is to spot out the sincere men, and weed out the one's who aren't worth your time. That's key. When we realize that we're being treated with respect, keep the guy. When we feel as though he's trying to get game, or is being dishonest, leave. Don't keep in touch. If a guy's being a jerk, we should respect ourself, and tell ourselves "He's Just Not That Good Enough!"

    There are plenty of fishes out there! Nice guys do exist. Never loose sight of how you want to be treated. Never settle for mediocre. Never settle for less! Trust yourself with what you want! ~Billy

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    Platinum Member Day_Walker's Avatar
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    Like most dating literature most of the inferences have no basis. When you generalize thats where mistakes are made. Literature like this should be taken with a grain of salt. It only perpetuates the old style of dating. man does all the work and the woman sits back and plays hard to get. As you can see from this board not all men like to chase. Now as far as the advice about a guy not being into you that has been known for a long time people hear it from their friends and never want to accept it. Take the information with a grain of salt. If you really want to know what works for you then you will look at guys on an individual basis then judge them on how they act if you want to come out with some concrete conclusions.

  10. #10
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    It's funny - the episode of Sex and the City that inspired the book was just on last night. Greg Brehndt (or whatever) is one of the authors for the book, and he was also a writer/consultant for Sex in the City. The scene is funny. Miranda is overhearing a conversation that two girls, about 21 or 22 years old, are having:

    Girl #1: Yeah, he said he was going to call me, but then he didn't. He's been so busy at the office lately! He has that big project!

    Girl #2: Yeah! I'm sure he'll call - he's just totally stressing.

    Girl #1: Oh! And he's getting his kitchen rewired - I think it's really stressing him out.

    Girl #2: Oh my god! That is sooo stressful! He'll call you tomorrow I'm sure.

    Miranda: Excuse me ladies, I couldn't help but overhear. I just wanted to let you know - this will clear it all up... He's just not that into you! Have a great day! (she walks away)

    Girl #1: What a B****!

    Girl #2: Yeah! What does she know? Who asked her?

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