Dad abuses alcohol, on the couch all day

I am a 20 year old live-at-home college student. I am the oldest sibling in a family of 6 consisting of two parents and 4 children. I have one 19-year-old brother and two younger siblings both in their early years of high school. The problem my family is faced with concerns my father. He is at the moment (2005) out of work, sick, abusing alcohol, not doing his fair share, changed from the way he was in as little time as 2 years ago. I am looking for any advice anyone might have for me after all considerations.

Our dad up until 2000-2001 for many years (15) had been his own boss and owner of a small computer consulting company. I only recently learned that it had been failing for some time, and around 2001 he declared bankruptcy. For the most part since that time he has been out of work. He had one full time salary job that lasted 6 months in 2002-2003, and one full time salary sales job that lasted 6 month in 2004. He was laid off from both jobs. His attitude about the jobs he did get after losing his business? He was too good, overqualified for the jobs. He slacked off and showed up late, took days off work and abused sick days on the ones that he didn't feel like going to.

(2000-2001). Several months before our dad claimed bankruptcy he began to develop a serious medical condition. Our dad would at any time develop stomach pains and began violent episodes of vomiting. He would be sick until the point when my mom or grandparents would have to take him to the hospital where he would stay anywhere from a night to days to weeks. He has since been the subject of specialist treatment, some citing his condition as chronic stomach migraines, while others doctors do not know what to make out of it and prescribe pain medication. Our dad since 2001-2002 has been on a vigorous regiment of medication including, not limited to and not necessarily simultaneously; MORPHINE injections, STADOL, and presently CESAMET (intended to control nausea/vomiting for cancer patients).

Our dad doesn't sleep in our parent's bedroom. Our dad has been on the couch for 10 years, he NEEDS to sleep with the TV on and most the time he falls asleep with all the living room lights on. He has a beer in his hand all the time now, mixing alcohol with medication. He'll come to my room three times in 4 hours to ask me if I'm home for dinner, yes I told you 3 times already. He makes dinner every night but that's about the only thing he does around the house.

Something has to be done. This family is falling apart and he seems content on the couch. My mom is losing her mind; many times she breaks down in front of me or my 19-year-old brother crying. She barely supports the family on her salary, only to come home to our dad who has been on the couch all day while there is renovations to be done around the house that she blows away her weekends to work on. How can she go on like this, how can anyone go on like this? My dad is so selfish, I remember coming home from a weekend after working two nightshifts and because he had lost his license, needed me to drive him to to work, pick him up at lunch, bring him home, take him back to work, then at 5 o'clock come and pick him up again. He has always been a relatively self-absorbed, stubborn person. Years before he was ever sick or lost his business, my mother told me that while she was a stay-at-home mom our dad told her she had to get a job or he was leaving. My, how times have changed.

What should we do?? He's stubborn, my mom tells him things and he blows them off. My grandparents have tried talking to him, my uncles have tried talking to him. His day is lying on the couch all day, drinking beer, then around 5;30 he makes dinner and my mom comes home. He is content. Nobody knows how to talk to him. Help me.

He sounds like he has a depression problem from being so high and then losing it all and having to be dependent now. Sometimes people don't adjust to dramatic changes well in life and you have to push them in the right direction. I would say try talking to him and see if the message doesn't sink in after some weeks or else your mom is gonna have to kick him out. If she is too weak to do this then you have to make due the best you can and make sure it doesn't harm you much.

I agree that your father sounds like he is severely depressed. When someone goes from being a functional, contributing human being to being on the couch all of the time and drinking that much, something is going on. He could be too scared to ask for help or embarrassed about it. My guess is he's not that content, or as content as he lets on.

Have you tried talking to your dad about this? Has your mom?

He sounds like he needs professional help, desperately. Does your mom's job include benefits, such as psychiatric help? That is really what your dad needs. Since your mom is allowing him to be on the couch all of the time, drinking, and not contributing to the family, she's allowing him to be co-dependent.

I would talk to him, if I were you or have your mom. Try to approach the subject like you are concerned about him and his happiness and the stability of the family. See how he reacts. Then approach the subject of counseling.

Call AlAnon - they are affilated with Alcoholics Anonymous but are there as support for the families of alcoholics, they can help you in allsorts of ways, especially about how to persuade your Dad to get help.

Good luck.

My dad.... for the most part, has reacted stubbornly and acts like there is no problem. In his diabetes, there are times when he is not responsible for it and lets his sugars get too high or too low. And then goes driving! Same with drinking, he'll be drinking beer all day (light beer) and then drive out at night to go pick up some groceries. My mom has tried approaching him, gives him hints and the attitude she gets back is there is no problem.