I recently found this site whilst looking up cheating and found it to be very interesting.
I would now like some advice on my own situation.
I apologise now if the post is long and boring but would be greatly appreciative of any advice given (Opinions / Experiences).
I have been with my partner (Once Fiance, at the moment girlfriend) for over six years which has been mostly pleasent. I had never been with anyone before her but she had which I think bothered me at the time. After the first year I broke up with her as I did not know what I wanted out of the relationship for a couple of months. During that time I realised how much I loved her and did not care about no previous experience.
We would occasionally have little arguments, but then who doesn't?
In June 2003 I proposed to her and she accepted.
We then decided to look to buy a house together so that we could be together more. We then found the house and moved in in August 2003. To start with life was great, we would spend all time together cooking for each other and doing up the house.
Then 2004 came along which was not a great year for either of us. I started the year working away from home as most of my work is out of town. I did not think the working away (at the time) was a major problem as were still happy together and still rarely argued.
The working away was an ongoing thing week after week living in hotels (Monday afternoons till early hours Fridays). Then the worst day of our lives came (1st March 2004). I was working away in London and was looking for accommodation (With no luck), then the phone rang (My partner). Answered as normal happy to a tearful partner "Adam, can you come home?", why, "My moms Dead", WHAT . Shocked, I then said I would call her back. I then had to ring my boss to inform him of the situation as I had work commitments too and it was the first day of the job. He was extremely understanding and said to not worry about the work. I then set of on probably the worst ever drive of my life. I was replaying the phone conversation in my head for the whole 1.5 Hour journey.
Once there, completely speachless, I just threw my arms around her and held her tight. The next week was tough (due to the circumstances, and not between us). I spent the remainder of that week at home to be with her and started work the week after (Locally, thanks to my understanding manager).
A few weeks past and I had to start working away again. This was a little more difficult as my partner was bottling up her emotions. We were still happy with each other (I thought). Then in July / August 2004 (We set the date for the wedding and booked the venue for 22 October 2005).
Then come October 2004 we started making other wedding arrangements (Registra's, photographer).
Towards the later part of the year we were arguing more as we were never spending much time together. As I worked away on nights I would get home early hours of Friday's (02.00 - 04.00) and be unable to sleep. I would eventually get into bed when she got up and sleep all day which was the cause of most arguments.
Then towards the end of the year she would be stopping out later with friends from work on friday nights.
Then comes the 31st November / 1st December 2004. It was a Tuesday night and I was working away. She had gone out with a friend from work (Male) and a mutual friend of us both (Female). At this point I was not too bothered (Actually, I probably was deep inside. Throughout that day I had an extremely unusual feeling that something was not right between us). I had to prove my senses either right or wrong so I decided to surprise her by going home.
Midnight arives and she has not rang (strange, she would normally be home and in bed at this point), so I rang the house. She eventually answers the phone and I ask why she was home so late. She tells me that she wend to our mutual friends house after the pub then her work colleague dropped her home. She then tells me she is going to play with the dog for half hour and then goto bed. This immediately rang alarm bells, this was not her and she was extremely drunk earlier in the night (Although she didn't sound that drunk on the phone). 20 minutes past and she rings back "i'm in bed now going to sleep" we then said the usual goodnight love you etc. etc. I now had the thought of him being in bed with her in my head.
The remainder of the journey seemed like a lifetime (About half hour). I then pulls up outside, and the house was all lit up. I then got my bags and walked in. I gets through the front door and find her on the living room floor having unprotected sex with her work colleague. I did not know what to do or say and my heart was in pieces (How could she do this to me, she was supposed to love me?). I then ordered him to leave in an extremely calm state. A few moments past (She was crouched over the setee, he was retrieving his clothes) and I had to get out. I grabed my bags and stormed out. I drove of in an emotional rage. I did not know where I was going or what I was doing (Shaking violently enough to pull my back). I then finds myself at my parents but they were all asleep. My mom eventualy woke up to me shouting down the phone at her.
I then spent the next half hour at my moms being bombarded with phone calls "We need to talk". I eventually decided to return home to talk. I sat in the opposite chair listening to what she had to say (Extremely calm with no visual emotions). She was in tears telling me hom much she loved me, how me need to be together, hom much I loved her (I didn't at this point, I hated her). the conversation went on for almost 2 hours which was mainly repetative.
I eventually left and went back to my moms (04.00 in the morning). She had give her bed up for me, but I could not sleep. She also stayed up preparing food for the wake of my uncles funeral later that morning.
Then 07.00 arrives and I am out on my travels to cancel all wedding arrangements and sell the house. By about 15.00 a I had cancelled all wedding plans and had the house on the market (I was amazed at how fast I achieved all this). The next week or so The only contact I made was for her to sign the paper work for the sale of the house. During this week I was out at every oppurtunity socialising with friends and getting drunk. That did not seem to bad and I thought I was actually over her.
Then mid December we catch up at the house and start talking. The conversation was extremely civil and that was when I realised how much she meant to me. We talked for a long time and she then asked if I wanted to go grab something to eat. I declined, I did not want to be sat in a pub eating with her (I did have one too many the night before and could not face a pub). We then eventually parted and I was all confused about my emotions. Later on that night I decided that I would go have some dinner with her, so I rang her. We then went out for a meal which was nice. We kept making eye contact for long periods just staring at one another. We then ended the evening by going to the cinema (The conversation was running dry so it seemed like a good idea). She then dropes me home (At my moms where I was now living) and we hugged. The hug appeared to last a long time. This was when she broke into tears and said "I have really messed things up, havn't I" which I responded to with Yes.
All that night and the following day I was trying to work out my feelings and constantly replaying the 1st December in my head. The more I thought about it the more I thought how odd her behaviour was on the night of the one night stand. Her attitude and the things she said were totally out of character of her. Even her best friend (The mutual one of that night) said she acted unusual at hers. I then had the idea of Date Rape in my head so did research on the internet. The more I researched the more it seemed to fit, but can someone who has been drugged be cappable of performing sex? (She was on top). Alchohol is also used as a date rape and after further conversation I found out that he bought the drinks all night. I then needed someone elses opinion on the matter so I rang our mutual friend. She said that she would not of put it past him and that she was definitely not acting normal.
I then had to confront my partner about this so I arranged to meet that night. We then had a long talk about the night which she has no memory of. She did not remember me ringing the house, and she does not remember having sex (Is this possible from just alchohol?). I then asked what she thought about my idea of what happened and she said she felt sick. I think it was then that night (maybee the next) that we decided that we would give things a second go. She continued to work at the same place as him which I was not majorly concerned with (Although it does play on my mind. Do they speak?, what do they speak about? etc. etc.).
Things appeared to be going OK. I talked her into having an STI test which was in January 2005 and were getting on OK. Christmas this year was supposed to be at my parents (1st time there) as we spent the previous christmas at hers (Thank God, as her mother was not around this christmas). so she decided that she would still come. Christmas was good, and then boxing day was at her dads which was also good. We then ended boxing day at my parents as her dad went out on the night. We had a few drinks and a generally good night. I think I had a little to much to drink and was in an extreme state and made a big mistake (I had sex without a condom). The sex was amazing though, as we both dislike condoms. We then continued to not use them as I had already made the mistake. I then made an appointment for myself to be tested for STI's (3 days after hers).
Then we had the tests. Hers on the day was negative, but you have to wait for the blood tests to be done which take 2 weeks. Mine, however, was not so good. I walked back into the room after having the swabs and blood tests and see a bottle of tablets on the table (I felt sick, what did i have?). I am then given a leaflet and told what I have (NSU) which has lots of causes and is not always sexually.
Then came the dreaded 2 week's waiting for the phone call with the confirmation of the tests (Including Blood). Luckily there were no other concerns and the infection was just NSU (Which women cannot get, but have to be treated for). So where did this come from? The health advisor said it could be anything such as shower gels (which I had recently started using to clean my penis).
Does anyone know about NSU? Could it of been transferred from him to her to me? (I forgot to ask the health advisor).
Throughout January my partner would still go out on fridays with her friends from work and he would occaasionally be there. Why would she go somewhere with him after what he done? (She said he made her feel physically sick after what happened).
One friday she is out again after work and is there for a good hour or so. I then decide to go to my local with friends as I was bored of being in alone. She later rings and asks what I am doing. I tell her i'm at the pub so she says she will stop out longer. This really annoyed me as I was only out waiting for her to come home so I ended up drinking more and more until I was drunk.
Then comes thurday 3rd February and I am working away (again) and due home early hours. She would normaly stop at my parents so I come home to her. She is going out after work for a colleagues birthday (female). She tells me (after asking) that he will not be there and he had gone home early from work. Then whilst she was at the pub I text her asking if she could swear on her nieces lives that he was not there. She rings back "What's meant by that?". I had a little feeling of a lie "Well is he?". She replies with yes, but I didn't know he was coming. That was it, she had gone one step to far so I told her not to bother coming up to my parents after the pub and we left it there.
Next day she rings asking what is going on and end in the response that it's over.
Then we catch up again 12th February and are talking. Again the conversation was very deep which added to my confusion. I then decided to give it another go (am i mad?). The night together was amazing and I was able to sleep right through (Which I have not been doing of late). The next day was also good, but I had to goto work on the night. Luckily the work is local so I may get to see her for an hour each day.
Sorry for the extremely long post but I wanted to be as detailed as possible and get things of my chest.
I do believe that she loves me, and I do believe she is sorry for what she has done.
The only problems I have are that I am unsure wether I love her or not. Is it possible to fall out of love in a split second?
Then I think of the future, would I be able trust her again?
Would I be able to marry her? (I don't think I would have as big a wedding as initially intended)
Would I be able to be happy having a family with her?
I have many questions which I cannot answer and would be appreciative of any comments/oppinions/experiences.
The one thing I am certain that I do not want to lose is the house. I cannot afford it alone and would never be able to buy again if we sold it.
Whilst separated (first time) we talked about keeping the house and living there as friends (Could this ever work?). We currently do not live there as I am in the process of fitting the central heating system so we have no heating or hot water. We have no intentions of moving back in until the end of the year.
Is it possible that I only want to be with her because of the house? Because it is what I have always been used to?
Because I am afraid of being alone? (I am very shy and unable to talk to women)
If you have got this far I would like to thank you, it means alot to me.
Is it possible to trust someone after a drunken affair?
Is it possible to love them again?
That's all for now. If you have any questions, please ask. It may help me get more off my chest.