** Tips For A Successful LDR **

As someone involved in a longterm LDR, I thought I'd offer some ideas that have worked to make my relationship a very happy, healthy one. I hope it helps someone else out there.

1) Communication. Every relationship needs an open, clear line of communication to survive, but none moreso than an LDR. Let's face it, for those of us whose loved ones are far, talking regularly in real-time (whether via phone or IM) is crucial because it's all we have. But take heart: we who start out this way often end up in the strongest relationships, because we had no choice but to fall in love with each other's soul.

2) Committment. This sounds obvious, right? Well, hang on a sec, will ya? What I mean by committment in this case, is that long-distant relationships should be reserved solely for couples already involved in a committed, exclusive relationship. After all, none of us would choose to jump into a situation that causes as much grief as an LDR does, so unless you're absolutely certain that this is the person you want to be with, save yourself some heartache. Besides, to make an LDR work, you have to be committed to each other--otherwise, trust issues will develop. Which brings me to...

3) Inspire & Give Trust. An LDR won't work unless there is a serious level of trust on each side, and that's accomplished by inpiring it in your partner. Don't do to him or her what you wouldn't want done to yourself, and that includes putting yourself in situations that give your SO justifiable reason to get upset (i.e. wild parties, bars, etc.)--unless it's something that you've each agreed upon from the start. (which brings me back to the issue of communication). Understand that being in an LDR is hard and it requires that each person go out of their way to inspire trust in their partner. And once your partner does the same for you, trust your trust.

4) Prioritize. Don't get so caught up with work or school that you forget that your relationship needs nurturing! Take the time to remind your mate that you love and are thinking of them, even though they can't be with you right now. Assure them that no amount of work or school will ever take priority over them or your relationship--and then make sure that's true. At the end of our lives, it's not how many degrees we had or how much money we made or what our career was that will count; it's who we loved and who loved us (whether romantically or otherwise)... because in the end, what else is life about but love?

5) Get your friends and family involved. When you can't be with your SO, it's comforting to know that you're still a huge part of their daily life--and nothing helps you feel that way more than being acknowledged and welcomed into the fold by his or her friends and family. (For example, my boyfriend's mom loves to send me things; she's constantly thinking of me or buying me things, and that reminds me just how important I am to her son and how much he's made me a part of his life even though I can't be there all the time. In turn, my mom absolutely adores my boyfriend and the two of them sometimes team up against me! But I know that this makes my boyfriend feel as though he's part of things even when he's not here.)

6) Work towards a common goal. No matter how wonderful an LDR is, it'll eventually fall apart if there is no ultimate goal towards which you can work as a couple. In other words, once things are serious enough to do so, start planning for your future together--living together, marriage, etc. That way, even during the worst bouts of depression from missing each other, neither of you will ever succumb to hopelessness or despondancy because there is no end in sight. For an LDR to work, the LD eventually has to depart from the R.

7) Be friends first. All romantic relationships work best if the couple is also good friends--but when it comes to LDRs, friendship can be even more vital to the couple's well-being. After all, if you enjoy each other in ways that don't just relate to romance or sex, your entire relationship will be more well-rounded, and the lack of phsycial contact for long periods at a time won't leave you feeling as though you and your mate have nothing else to relate about. (My boyfriend and I are best, best friends, and we spend ridiculous amounts of time laughing together. It helps, because even though we both wish we could regularly be cuddling, making love and doing other "couple" type things, we still have fun together and we never run out of things to say.)

Here are some more tips for making an LDR easier to endure

-Invest in a webcam! If you've got a high-speed connection and a webcam (which can be purchased fairly cheap), then you've got a powerful tool on your hands! Having a webcam can help minimize the intense feeling of distance between you and your beloved. My boyfriend and I "cam" every single night--which means that, despite our 3,000 miles separation, we can see each other every day! If my guy gets a haircut, I can instantly see how he looks; if I get some new clothes, I can model them for him that evening. You will find that a webcam will alleviate a lot of sadness for you and yours. Best of all, once you buy the webcam, the service is free using Internet Messaging (IM) programs such as AIM or Yahoo! Messenger (YIM).

(Click link removed, link removed and link removed offer calling plans with FREE long-distance. Better yet, if you and your mate use the same company, you have unlimited use, without using up your allotment of free minutes for the month. With a cell phone, you can talk to your SO wherever and whenever you want! Yay!

-It's the little things that count. If you know your girlfriend loves jellybeans, surprise her by sending her a pack of her favorite brand. If you know your boyfriend wears a certain type of boxers, send him some! (Once, my boyfriend sent me two tubes of flavored lipgloss just because he knows how much I love lipgloss and that I would adore these particular flavors; another time, I bought him an especially nice sketch book because he's an artist, and I thought it would be nice if he could draw on something I'd given him.) And it doesn't have to be something you purchased! Text messages (another perk of cell phone use) can be a fun and quick way to say hello and let someone know you're thinking about them during the day. Greeting cards (with a personal touch added, of course), are great, too. Or make your boyfriend a pillow to use on his computer chair for all the hours he spends webcamming with you...

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Ideas From Other eNotAlone Members

From MelodyCalls:

Make Stuff - This follows up on the "little things". I find making something personal really helps. Getting a card is always nice, but a hand-made one always has that extra special feel to it, plus you can get away with writing what you like on the front.

Letters - It may be the internet age, but a handwritten letter is still one of the best things you can send, especially if you decide to make it nice and romantic. I especially like them because in twenty years time I'll be able to take them out of the box I keep them in and read them with my SO (hopefully my wife by then!), and remember how all the time apart made our relationship so strong.

More little things - My girlfriend sent me a little card scented with her perfume, and so I returned the favour with some of my aftershave. I sometimes take some daft pictures on the camera and email them out of the blue, that always seems to go down well. Pictures include me dressed in full suit and bow tie, pulling my best James Bond pose with a squirt gun she bought me. I also dressed as a ninja with my brother, and sent pictures of the snowman we made (sadly we didn't make the snowman whilst dressed as ninjas. Perhaps another time).

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Well, that's it for now. If I can think of anything else, I'll be sure to add it--and if anyone else would like to contribute, post here and I'll add your suggestion to the list (giving you credit). Maybe we can make this some sort of compendium of ideas.

I always find writing my girlfriend a nice long e-mail every night before I get off the 'net... Even though we've been IM'ing and 'camming all night, she still has something to remind her of me while I sleep!!

XxX-Ben-xXx

Thanks for this list! You hit the nail on the head. My ld boyfriend and I have been talking about what is important in order to have a successful ldr, and basically got to the same conclusions. Can't think of any additional point right now.

The only thing I don't completely agree with: I don't think a webcam is absolutely necessary. We're fine with our 2-hour Skype conversation every day. We usually talk around midnight or 6 a.m. (Central European Time), and at those hours I don't always look presentable

Zimetra

P.S. Btw, I love your website!

Thanks for this list! You hit the nail on the head. My ld boyfriend and I have been talking about what is important in order to have a successful ldr, and basically got to the same conclusions. Can't think of any additional point right now.

 

The only thing I don't completely agree with: I don't think a webcam is absolutely necessary. We're fine with our 2-hour Skype conversation every day. We usually talk around midnight or 6 a.m. (Central European Time), and at those hours I don't always look presentable

 

Zimetra

 

P.S. Btw, I love your website!

Thanks!

And no, a webcam isn't absolutely necessary for everyone, but it's so nice if you can do it. And hey--my boyfriend has seen me, in person, at my worst--so looking less than stellar on webcam is no big deal...

That was a really thoughtful post Mermaid, thanks for taking the time to share it with us. They're all excellent points, and they're all things I aim for myself. I know couples who live in the same house who don't follow half of those tips!

I have a few ideas to add as well:

Make Stuff - This follows up on the "little things". I find making something personal really helps. Getting a card is always nice, but a hand-made one always has that extra special feel to it, plus you can get away with writing what you like on the front.

Letters - It may be the internet age, but a handwritten letter is still one of the best things you can send, especially if you decide to make it nice and romantic. I especially like them because in twenty years time I'll be able to take them out of the box I keep them in and read them with my SO (hopefully my wife by then!), and remember how all the time apart made our relationship so strong.

More little things - My girlfriend sent me a little card scented with her perfume, and so I returned the favour with some of my aftershave. I sometimes take some daft pictures on the camera and email them out of the blue, that always seems to go down well. Pictures include me dressed in full suit and bow tie, pulling my best James Bond pose with a squirt gun she bought me. I also dressed as a ninja with my brother, and sent pictures of the snowman we made (sadly we didn't make the snowman whilst dressed as ninjas. Perhaps another time).

I'm sure I'll think of more later.

Thanks, MC.

Your comment about perfume and aftershave reminded me of something we did. The last time we were together, my boyfriend left with me his deodorant and the body spray he wears (both of which he knows I love). I keep them in a drawer, and every now and then I spray them on something in my room to make it smell like he's here. On the same note, my boyfriend went and bought the same detergent I'd used to wash his clothes, because it reminded him of us being together.

Wow! This is a GREAT post!! Thank you!

Wow! This is a GREAT post!! Thank you!

Thanks! You're very welcome!

Thanks for the post! It helped me see that LDR isn't that hard at all though we're on that hardship stage..

Thanks again..

Just wanted to bump this because I think it could be of use!

I wish I had come to this forum earlier. In my relationship we had alot of communication when I was in the same place as my girlfriend. Communication from school and on the phone late at nights.

We had commitment and trust. But the only thing was that when she talked to another boy I feel jealous she might like him, that was my final step to gain her full trust, but I didn't know why my attitude was like that and I hated it, and was willing to change.

I always put her in my 1st priority. Everyone asked me, what is my first priority, I said my girlfriend comes first then other things. Everyone told me it should be the other way around. But Im different and I do like it that she comes first.

I never could involve my family. It just that in asia, parents can't accept relationships when you are still young and studying. They would go berserk if they had found out, but I think they did because they could see it from my eyes.

We used to laugh alot and make alot of jokes about other people

And we made things for each other and wrote little messages for each other, and wrote in a little diary kind of thing of how we felt about each other and ourselves. I remember making a hardcover book for her telling her why I love her.

Now that Im so far away we lack the communication, and because of the lack of communication we lack the trust and commitment, and her internet broke down, and later she just didn't want me. Shes now always angry with me.

Welcome back, Mermaid! I missed you and your positive attitude!

I hope everything is going well with your ldr! Mine is developing just fine...

Cheers,

Z.

Hey, there! Thanks, Z! Glad to hear things are going well for you--I love knowing that someone else in the LDR "family" is going strong. Mine is headed towards engagement, so I'm happy as can be.

I'm happy to hear that, Mermaid!

(It is not my goal to be engaged or married, but everyone has their own best way of expressing their love towards each other)

In the meantime, I crossed the Atlantic ocean once more. I finally got to know his hometown, his friends, family members, I guess I passed all the tests And I'll see him again in just a couple of weeks. This guy seems to spend all his money on airline tickets, just for me

Hi

Just want to make this thread up forum, because I have been searching on how to maintain a LDR.

Thought it might help others in the same situation.

Hi

To maintain a long distance relationship, there is no doubt financial expenses incurred. In fact, many LDR lover could not see other as often due to financial limitation.

However, a person also need to have personal asset for security.

How to handle the wealth management when you are making a move to another country?

Would you let your asset grow or sell all out?

Thank you.

Some link saying about LDR

link removed

That 'report' is quite outdated, though. Seems as if it had been written at the beginning of the age of Internet and email. In the meantime, we have Skype, meaning DAILY phone calls are possible...