New update and confessions of foolishness

Here is another update. This is for myself more in order to admit how idiotic the mistakes and choices I made and just the whole thing was.

I heard from the guy I was infatuated with, and thought I fell in love with. No, I don't think I actually was after all. I'd never even met him in person, and he wasn't my type if we had met. He can be cruel if he wants to. Why he can, who knows.

This will sound crazy to some of you. Through all the dumb mistakes, I have had a wonderful man for a husband, who talked me through and helped me to see clearly about this man, my choices, life and situation very patiently. We've had too many ups and downs and still do, but I'm liking him more everyday especially in light of such people as this other ex so-called "friend". How did I ever....?

Many of you responded with genuine concern, some shock, but still that was genuine concern for what's right. I know this and I don't disagree with any of you.

Anyway, this other guy now accuses me of trying to slander him on this forum, which I am not interested in doing. If that's what he thinks, I can't change that. I explained as I needed to about someone you know nothing about, which makes this a safe place to vent hurts we have from others.

I came to this forum to vent, which is what I have done. I'm not interested in ruining people's lives.

I realise that I was a fool to choose to even spend time on the net chatting with the other guy and he's truly someone I wish I'd not wasted my time with because it distracted me from important endeavors. Yet I was stupid enough to choose and allow this to happen, not to mention other idiotic mistakes in contacting him after the fact.

I won't go much into detail, but he out and out lied to me about himself and what he had said, which doesn't need explanation at this point. Sheesh what a manipulator. He says he doesn't read this forum, but obviously his girlfriend does, apparently. So maybe he *has* been reading this forum. Who cares?

Back to it, I apologized for some stupidity on my part. I hate some of the mistakes I've made, but at least it's never too late to keep learning from them.

Have you ever just wondered why you end up doing the stupidest things and can be deterred and detracted from more important things in life when you're not looking for what you need in the right place?

Still the guy is a jerk and I'm grateful to move forward from this. But how could I have ended up making choices to even go *near* there?

11Flower

Best thing to do now, is block the guy COMPLETELY from your life. NO CONTACT whatsoever. That way you will be able to loosen the hold he had on you, and you can forget about this whole sordid affair.

Don't get so upset. It's over, you learned from your mistakes. Move on. 8)

More to vent:

Indeed it is the best thing and it won't be a problem at all to never see this paramecium. Interestingly, he's the inspiration for the poem I posted in the poems forum about a worm. You don't meet many people so jacked up as this usually. I mean everyone has their iffy sides, but this guy... --it can be laughably pitiful sometimes. Gads.

He clearly has been able to learn ways to persuade and attract women, but by exploring outside adventures, it seems to me he wants to keep his options open, I guess. To each his own. He has an incredibly filthy mouth, as well. How could I have ever ?

Also, it is that my husband and I wonder whether he may try to actually bring a civil case against me, calling it "slander", because he mentioned my "risk of being sued." I take this as suggesting he might do this. If he did actually try to bring a civil case for money, I have proof as to his character. I wouldn't lie about what I have done, as he actually does. I have saved most of the emails ever exchanged. So I don't think it could hold up anyway.

Honestly, I told him I'm not interested in "slandering" him. I am saying to this forum I'm interested in venting about my experience, but I have no need to lie about it, rather clean the pollution from the brain. Chalk it up to experience--bad experience.

Overall I think he's trying to protect his present status with his girlfriend. They seem happy. Let 'em be; in such a person as his' case I wouldn't want the pitiful soul to lose her, which again is what I think he might be concerned about. I don't actually want to do anything to help him lose her, but overall I can't anyway as it will come out eventually. He lies, not owning up to his actions for fear of this, is my guess. He can be abusive and this will eventually come out. How he has treated me and any cheating tendencies and veneer in this regard will eventually come around to him without my doing anything at all!

It's easy to feel pity because there's also a warm side that appears genuinely concerned at times. So many people are addicted to sex, even addicted to cheating. Hence the poem about the worthless person of sorts. In some people's case, they are unable to stop sexually addictive behavior and end up ruining their own lives. This is sad.

So, if he' and gf are reading this, my hands are off! We all dig our own pits. The sort of pit you are in is one of your own making. Look; see and realise that you've got what *you* put there.

Stop cheating by exploring extra-relational adventures and be what you're saying you are, as you haven't yet. You may lose the most precious thing to you if you don't.

You haven't mentioned any names so thereforeeee he can not pursue it in court (or at least I don't think he can). This can be quite difficalt. I have read a few of your posts on this person and I have seen no slander, I have only seen sadness of what has happened to you and genuine concern for others.

I do strongly surgest you block him and never speak to him again. It can be very hard to deal with these types of situations. I do wish you luck..

I hope that things work out in the end.

Good Luck,

~S.

Thanks for the kindness SM,

I don't know whether he'll bother to try anything, but I may do some legal research just in case.

I've gotten one weird phonecall today asking for somewhat personal information, but this doesn't mean anything other than a weird phonecall. When I refused to give my info and hung up, my cell phone immediately rang. It was quite a long-distance prefix. But still means nothing yet.

Blocking him is not a problem for me. He wants me blocked from him so it works out.

Other than that, he also doesn't have that great of a reputation on other forums with those who know him whom I also know. The insulting and demeaning way he sometimes speaks to people would speak for itself.

I initially made more than a huge mistake by continuing to chat via internet and phone and got weak along the way. But I have definitely learned from this that I never want to meet or know people like him ever in my life. He's out only for what he needs and wants and manipulates to get it. Very few social and sexual boundaries and lacking in ability socially. From research I've done, I think he's somewhat a narcisstic personality disorder, but I'm not a doctor.

This is a true sleezebag. Very pitiful. The poor girlfriend may eventually see this but there's nothing I have to do in that case.

Too many people could concur as to the nature of this person.

If he even tries anything, I doubt it would hold up in court. But I am preparing for this if he does and we could afford a good attorney.

I was a ditzo idiot to have blundered forward with this imp.

11Flower

11flower,

I am glad to hear you are taking steps to protect yourself and that you have 'lived and learned' from the -er,um- crap this guy did (or tried to do) to you...

I was a ditzo idiot to have blundered forward with this imp.

I know firsthand what it means to be a 'ditzo idiot.' Best wishes for your future!

GettingOverIt,

You're the best. Thanks.

All the very best to you and yours in your future. And I'm betting you'll have this.

Double kudos 2 thumbs up!

11F.

Ah yes, but there's more to tell..

Okay, I have an incredibly ditzo-idiotic confession to make. I um...did a little extreme no-no. Yep. I did. Bad, bad me. . There you go, I reacted for you, whoever's reading this.

But seriously...

I did a bit of impersonation, which I recently admitted to him. Now bear in mind that my husband is privy to everything. Anyway, I said quite a few provocative and sordid things. I did this partly to get back at him, I think, anyway. (It takes some of us so long to grow up )It was very cathartic and relieved some hurt from some abusive and very unkind remarks he had made, which are usually so unnecessary. I laughed to tears for a few days. I know, I know what you're thinking. It was crazy.

Anyway, he did find out it was me. As I said, I think his gf may either be a member here and/or does read this list and supposedly showed him an email I'd posted about him being abusive, emotionally and verbally. He may read the list anonymously for all I know, yet said he doesn't. He lied about other things, why not that?

He responded with two emails. He sounded insulting and slightly threatening and manipulative, saying that I'd written him telling him how he still turns me on (part of the persona) and then insulted me. He mentioned how sorry he is that I "fell in love" with him and *he* "rejected" me and that it all ever happened. Then he proceeded to council me on what I should be doing with my life. Yet that part sounded rather good-willed, yet could also be him somewhat manipulating, using what works best with me to gain control, if this makes sense.

The thing is, yes, I had feelings. The other thing is that I have many emails in which he repeats that he requited my romantic feelings and about our romantic feelings with one another. So, he's acting as if it were just me and never him. Well, I realise I wasn't in love with him, rather infatuated at a rocky time in my marriage.

I believe the whole thing makes him feel powerful. In other words, he can finally reject. I think he has been rejected quite a lot by woman at different times. so this validates him, putting him above. I'm one more woman he gains power over.

He is an overweight, not that attractive guy, though not totally unattractive. He told me, "you old bag!" Now that sounds funny because yes, I'm 48. . But nowhere near a bag. I have more people telling me how attractive. Recently, a young guy, a clerk at a store was surprised and asked me re: my age and said he thought I was in my 30s. I age gracefully, I guess.

So, I am and appear much younger and more attractive by far than this man does, despite my 48 yrs. I guess I'm validating myself, and don't need to validate this, but I think he says this cause of how he feels about himSELF. He's got a huge belly ( I have a few photos of him) I certainly don't.

I've never been called an old bag before. LOL, esp. by a blind man, who is overweight, bald, and socially inept and challenged and who has never met me yet! LOL. My husband said, "If I lost you to a bald overweight blind guy, then go ahead!" LOL (he was joking, of course)

Looks don't matter as much to me overall (except when it comes to my own)tee hee!

Anyway, in the last fictitious persona, I advised him to stop cheating on his girlfriend. He lied in the last email stating he'd never verbally or physically done that, yet he had by email with fictitious person by responding in kind with sexual overtures and replies.

Now, who's lying? I have too many of his emails. I will never show them directly to anyone unless it became a legal issue. But I have them if I need them, and one never knows.

Today's chapter in the saga has come to a close. Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. Ha! LOL. All true.

11Flower

Thank God for this forum! When I need to get stuff off my chest, I can do it here, moreover anonymously. And whether I get replies or not, it still helps to get it out.

Today that "other guy" sent me an email. (What? LOL!). It is amusing and I'll go into more detail. But first I have to say that I read it to my husband and asked his opinion. The status is now that my husband and I want this guy to not write and out of my life in every way and are on the same page re: this situation. This guy has told me to never write him, yet if he gets the notion like some king Tutt, he writes. More like King Butt. oops, scuse me.

My husband gets the notion the "guy" wants to keep something going, whether the "guy" is insulting, manipulating or not. He just has to keep something, maybe a conflict going? A power turn on? I don't know.

The thing is that this guy is also on the same newsgroups I am on and read. He recently began to insult 2 other people during a discussion with disagreements and opinions and that. The disrespect bothered me, becuase it was belittling and demeaning, and was downright rude. So, though I'd not made direct reference to this guy, I brought out the fact that it's not acceptable to belittle and demean, as everyone deserves to be treated with respect overall in *most* cases.

So, I get this email with subject line "Advice", in which are his "just move on" (duh, ya' think?! ) and "be healed from your state of mind and troubles" crap. (Nice try, Bozo). He mentioned our "attempted friendship" and that I am trying to malign him publicly and write things about him where "I know he will be reading". For God's sake. No, this time, he dug his own pit and a few other people agreed as to his disrespect. I caused none of their reactions, as he is trying to imply. *He* did.

But sending me email trying to manipulate and accuse because he doesn't like dealing with what and who he really is...laughable, amusing. He is one person I wish I'd never chosen to keep in communication with and now I see even more why this is so. One of the few true nightmares in my history.

However, per my husband's advice, I answered a post of mine to which he replied, but in a professional impersonal manner. ( What a puke! )

If he wants me to move on, why doesn't he do this? Why does he keep writing me and accusing me of trying to malign him?

Icky people. I relearn daily that it's important to steer clear of people you feel bad around, who facilitate your wasting your precious time, and who are just nusty stink buckets who pretend they don't have any responsibility for their actions and will never have to confront what they are. They try to throw it back on you, as if there is nothing they've done wrong.

Is this antisocial? Borderline sociopath? Definitely narcissism and difficult to deal with.

Time will tell about this person, and there is nothing more I will do, as it's out of my hands now, so to speak, other than dump it on you folks who are distant because it helps me.

11Flower

Oh, I forgot to say that nope, I didn't respond to his email per my husband's advice (not to mention my better judgement), and I realise blocking his address is necessary, which I hadn't thought it would be till today.

8)

11Flower

11flower,

Yeah, blocking his address is a good idea! Too bad your program doesn't have some kind of auto-response thing... That would be funny! ;-)

Things tend to be a little more difficult when you frequent the same boards/newsgroups/forums as an 'ex' or even someone you just end up crossways with.... Hopefully, the 'public' bickering will subside in time, and the both of you will be able to feel free to answer openly without feeling like you're being attacked...

I know you may not always get responses to your posts, but know that there are some of us one here who do read them... Personally, I enjoy your escapades, how you handle them, and your wit! So, please keep us informed... Besides, we do like to know how you're doing....

Thanks so much, Gettingoverit,

It really helps to know someone at least is reading the posts and thanks for the friendly encouragement.

I think things will eventually settle I hope, peacefully.

No need to carry on with what takes precious time away. And time is all we got.

thanks,

11flower

Hokay,

So...tell me I'm crazy. Thanks, I needed that. . No, I didn't.

Here's the scooop! Scoop of what? Not ice cream...I tell ya'. I was accused today of lying about everthing that happened, about "withholding vital information." Wooah. I thought I'd confessed everything. But the guy, I guess I should name the poor chap, ummmm....Fred. Fred decided that I lied about everything here on this forum, withheld "vital information" ( I guess that means that I didn't tell all of how I participated), and impersonated someone. Well, I did impersonate. I didn't lie about that on this forum. I thought I'd expressed as much as necessary. It was not a lie, friends. My husband does know all this. All of the above he said I'd done "could have ruined his relationship with his girlfriend." And that would be on my head, he said. Hm. No, I don't think so. It would be on his.

I don't however believe that I withheld vital information. So, I told him I'd make good here. I told this group everything I think in the way I participated during the impersonation. I know how bad it is to impersonate. It's downright stupid and unfair. But if there's something I made him out to be that he isn't, I'll make good for it. I was as much a fool as this foo.

But he still refuses to take responsibility of sorts for some actions on his part. I won't recap these. He still wants to try to cover his ways.

Believe it or not, this is sad for me. Somehow, I do care about this dude's wellfare. He's still with his girlfriend and sounds happy. Why shouldn't he be? But if he lies to her about what and who he is, is that my fault? No.

I told him that his actions are on his head, and that mine are on mine! I told him that the past is the past, and in other words that to his girlfriend it no longer matters. It shouldn't matter! Now doesn't that sound like a second chance of sorts?

I hate being accused of lying, as I just don't do this sort of thing. I'd have to change alot to out and out slander or lie or say someone said things they didn't. I can't stand that sort of thing. Those who know me well would be able to attest to this.

I also have emails with his responses in them to prove his responses.

It sounds he's still reading this forum. I reassured him no one knows his or his gf real name. What's the deal? Why's he so scared...it sounds that way anyway.

See the attempt to escape responsiblity for actions on his part? It's sadder to me that he wouldn't just say, "Yep, it happened like that; it was a mistake. I'm no longer doing this sort of thing. Let past be past. I'm happy in the present relationship and never want anything to threaten the present relationship." Etc. I encouraged him even to do this! I told him to do all he can to keep the relationship with present gf and why not? But you see what I'm dealing with here?

I care about all people even when they're as JACKED UP as this guy. I can't help it. Maybe I'm a fool. But I want him and gf as happy and healthy as can be. So, you see, being a doofus has its good side.

LOL!

So and so, if you're reading this, I tell YOU, stop lying. Be honest about your mistakes. Get over yourself.

Do nothing to threaten your girl and you. You can change! You're not a half bad person when you want to be. Just admit your mistakes and know you must mean more to someone in this world than you know. You don't have to worry any more. No one's gonna take that away from you. But you can threaten all what good you have and lose it. I don't want this for you. You have to want this for yourself whatever it takes...and what it takes should be done honestly. If not, you will lose it. And that will be on no one's but your head, dude.

11flower

11flower,

Been a while since I've been on here, and WOW, look what I've been missing! ;-)

You're not crazy, but I have a feeling you're heading that way if you keep catering to this yahoo's whims and wishes and feelings... (I did not mean you would go literally crazy, and I mean no offense to any other yahoos.. lol)

You really need to go NC with this guy... Block his address from reaching you at all. If he is reading this forum, then maybe he'll see at least one guy's opinion on the whole mess.... This guy has quite some control over you, even now... Break it off. You have whatever 'proof' you need, so go NC on him. If he is sending you PM's, then just delete them when they come in. Do not read them. If he sending you email to another address, then set up your program to block his address... Or, create a rule (I will be happy to help you with this) to automatically delete mail from him as it comes in....

You need to move on and let this guy quit having this power over you... You know what? Who gives a flying rip's rear what he thinks of you or the whole situation?? You will always have your version, and he will always have his... You see, 'truth' is always in the eye of the beholder - perception is reality and all...

You have learned from your mistakes and your experiences.... I know you are concerned for his well-being and that of his gf, but honestly, that is not your beef... not your issue... Break these chains that have you imprisoned by this guy...

I am really starting to worry about ya, kiddo...

Thanks GettingOverIt,

No, I don't think he has that much control like your putting it, or as it may sound he does. Okay, I agree with the NC and that's not really a problem with me his being a sleezbag of sorts.

It's just that I hate being accused of lying and needed a place to vent.

It's just that the other day, unsuspecting that there would be illwill being that he sounds benevolent in general, I wrote him a professional question, and he beneficently answered it (he's a musical instructor and I'm a musician and student as well). I thought there was nothing more to be concerned about the recent past. How was I to know? I really didn't; and thought I wouldn't get a response like this. I don't meet too many people who really want to hurt people, as most people are pretty good, even if hornory, you know? And I am looking to reconcile bad things between any person at all and me if I can.

It was a mistake; he's trying to throw it back at me, writing back accusing me of lying, trying to cover his tracks and wanting me to take the blame for some trouble my posts on this forum caused him and his girlfriend, as if he hadn't lied, but that I'm trying to slander. All I"m trying to do in my life right now is lay all cards on the table. I hate someone setting me up like this in ANY case to take blame I am not responsible for. This forum has helped me a lot and I again need a place to vent and why not? Can't help if anyone's reading it or not.

It was a mistake to ask him the question. It's reconfirmed that there are some poisonous snakes associated with anything to do with him and they come out--this is how it makes me feel anyway. Yet, I don't know that I may get another email eventually trying to do the very thing you're talking about--attempts at control and accusation to shift blame.

He really doesn't have that much control and I told him that if he tries to do anything legally that I will come up with the bucks and legal councel to defend myself as ferociously and brutally as I have to. And I will and can easily most definitely do this. I hate being accused of anything that is just not true, and I'm not lying and wouldn't about anyone and haven't withheld vital information as alleged. I mean, read my posts!

I don't think you have to worry, really. It's just I don't get people acting like this. Again, I just don't meet many people who do this sort of thing.

NC it is, GettingOverIt. Thank you for your concern.

11Flower

11flower,

I have been through the exact same thing as you (not the threats, but the situation). I too believe the person I met has a narcissistic personality disorder, just as you had thought about the one you met.

It is very hard to come to terms with someone who lies to you after they tell you such wonderful things and you feel like you are on cloud nine because you are 'in love'. I too told my husband all that went on and he has stood by me.

All I can tell you is what I have told myself: my feelings were real, but they were based on lies and manipulations. I learned a lot about myself by having an 'other me' to find out the 'truth' which while it hurt was what I needed to hear. Lastly, I am a good person, a good friend and if he wasn't appreciative and took all that I did for granted then he is the loser because when he eventually realizes what he lost it will be too late. What goes around, comes around.

There are people out there who are only interested in themselves just like the two we met. Believe me, we are both not missing a thing!!

LI chick

LIChick,

You have no idea how much you have helped me by sharing what you have. Thank you so much--sometimes that's what helps make the difference and helps.

It's hard when dealing with someone who doesn't want to admit his lies because of fear of losing. I don't care what happened in the past. I will not lie. I never did lie, and am not now, as I'm accused of according to the most recent information.

You can't reconcile with someone who refuses the truth and tries to accuse you of being responsible of his/her loss. Sick world sometimes, isn't it?

I wonder if it was the same guy, BTW ?? It almost sounds like it.

Thanks so much again. I appreciate you having shared what you went through.

11flower