wants constant attention

I have a question, has any one had a problem with a child that wants constant attention. This is an older child. Like, stops in the middle of stuff he is doing to say I love you or what not, constantly wants held. Which it would be ok if he was small but he is nearly 8.

I am just wondering if this would be a good idea to take him to a therapist or something. It really is annoying at points, I can't do anything with out 15 interruptions of I love you, or something else (crying about things he makes up, wetting the bed, nightmares). He doesn't talk about his real feelings only mirrors it back to his mother leaving him. I don't let him cry and whine to me, I don't play into the I need attention 24/7 thing. I feel almost as if he is watching me constantly to see what I am doing and reporting back to his dad. It creeps me out at times. The worst part is it's carrying over onto my daughter and she is doing it now.

I read this post to mean that your are not his mother but in a relationship with his father, and that his mother has left. I hope I have that right, if so:

The poor kid is terrified that his mother left because he didn't love her enough and that it is going to happen again.

He is going to need reassurance that it is not going to happen and also that it was not his fault that his Mom left. If you and his Dad cannot provide that reassurance so that he believes it then he may need some professional help.

How long have you been in this relationship?

Yes I would suggest therapy. I think that it is fundamentally impossible to completely love the child if the child is not your own. You are doing the best that you can, but I feel that he needs more than you can handle.

He is a bright, affectionate, and insecure child, and you are not used to being around someone like that, I guess.

Take him to a therapist so that he can learn to love himself inspite of the world that he sees around him.

Yes I am a step parent. He fears things that his father does and is afraid I will leave too, the mother has been gone about 3 years. Barely calls, but gives him that small amount of hope (birthdays, holidays) She is just bizarre.

I have dealt with him to the best of my ability, but if his dad doesn't support the way I handle some of his behavior I am at a loss. He is at a loss for attention, and I talk to him and we have the discussion over and over and still nothing, he is terrified to tell the truth. He feels like he is betraying his dad, and is at competition with me. This is a 2 year relationship thus far.

I would seriously consider taking him to a counselor...I know that some people would not want to do that, but in life we are already doing too much as it is, if he had a counselor, then he would be getting the attention and affection of another adult too, so that would help.

I remember going to my mom one time and saying I love you to her, and she said -- so what do you want, now?

I stared at her and wondered why she would be so heartless. So she said -- that is what the other kids say when they want something, so I just assumed that you wanted something too.

I guess I was probably looking for attention, and like you said she was doing her own thing and never wanted to be interrupted.

At least I love you is better than some things that he could be saying, right??

How do you feel about him?

I do love the kid, but I mean this is literally something he does any where from 10-30 times in a 4 hour span. Will stop completely what ever it is he is doing and then interrupt me, whether it be on the phone, or talking to someone else. It's just excessive I feel. It concerns me that he feels the need to constantly do that, it feels like he is patterning an adult to adult relationship, thinking if he doesn't he wont be loved as much. It worries me because to go with it, he wants to constantly lay on me or his dad, which I feel is very inappropriate for a child of his age and I certainly don't need someone to think something else is going on.

It isn't so much an issue of what he is saying it's the actions and the frequency, it doesn;t seem normal.

I imagine that lying on you is not in any sort of inappropriate sexual way - it is merely that he craves contact. If you think about it, you cannot leave him when he is lying on you.

But it is a normal human reaction to want to be hugged and have close contact with people.

I feel so sorry for this kid (and for you in having to deal with it), I think a children's pyschiatrist may be needed to give some professional insight into his behaviour.

I am a substitute teacher and today I saw a kid that is similar to this child, except that instead of being clingy, he was more rejecting. Like if he had to wait seconds...he would say I am bored. This is not normal.

Finally toward the end of the day he revealed that he was in a similar home situation, that his mom had left the state, and he was dealing with his dad's girlfriend...just try and see it from his perspective.

He doesn't get that he is clingy. It feels normal to him. Another way of handling it is to maybe get a puppy or a cat that he can take care of. That would give him a living thing that he can bond with. Meet him half way, like say he can put his head on your shoulder for 5 or 7 minutes, then let him help you with the dishes or do some other task that he can earn rewards for.

Does he have other physical or emotional problems -- like delayed reading or speech?

Speech some times is a little with a lisp. But for the past year I been working on it with him and he has got much better. Not really behavior issues except the crying fits. I have been on this for about 2 years. Some of it is that his dad pays attention to the negative cries for attention and I encourage him to find some different ways to vent, like drawing or writing down his feelings.

When he does attempt to lay on me it is very akward because he is almost taking an adult role, like he watched someone behave a certain way with one of his parents and feels that is the only way to get that type of attention. I usually get up and move around, because he wants to have his head on my chest or if I am laying on my side he wants to blanket me. I do see your point too about if he is doing that it's because he doesn't want me to leave. And the counselor I talked to today agreed that I should not let him do this, because it could possibly get worse or become a battle with the other kids.

What about taking him to a karate class? I started to take my son to this, and he loves it, he is nine and a half.

The dad responding to the negative cries is partially guilt and partially a bad habbit that has been instilled in their way of relating to one another and it is something that will change as the two are more comfortable with the situation.

If he is crying easily or for no reason, then I would definitely have that looked at, I assume that the kids will make fun of that or shy away from that...

This boy is 8, right?

Are you sort of petite? Is that part of the reason that this is uncomfortable for you to snuggle him or anything. I can understand that would be a problem if he is almost as big as you are, or something.

My son is little, so I have probably babied him for too long.

I have heard that kids that are bigger can have emotional problems based on their size, people think that they are older and expect them to behave that way.

I am not really petite but I have a huge issue with being touched and laid all over. I am not even comfortable with my husband doing this. I have gotten much better though, I was kidnapped as a child and other things happened to me as I grew up, so I don't in general like being touched and the more he does it the more I want to run and hide. I understand about baby-ing him. My daughter and I are very close and I can play and let her hug me but I don't let her hang on me. I can't even sit in a chair without him sitting literally with his backside touching mine and it makes me feel very weird. The crying too, he is a petite kid, and the only time he really does it is with his dad. He doesn't do it with me because I don't let him get away with it. And he is relieved to know some times he has to stay in my guidelines and doesn't have to cry to talk to me. Now at school it appears as different behavior...it's more of a get liked by everyone thing, no matter how he has to do it, this includes acting up but again only with substitutes not his teacher. Which at one point he wrote a really not appropriate note to his teacher telling her he really loved her and a few other things, I did not let him take it in because it would have made a whole lot of trouble all around.

Your right about his dad too, his dad is afraid to discipline him, he wants to be his friend. So, to compensate because he works two jobs and I am a housewife, he lets him lay on him and cry things over, and make up excuses in order not to deal with things. I take a straight approach and tell him I am not a mind reader and if he needs to talk he needs to tell me what is wrong so we can fix it. He responds well to this kind of treatment because as I said, he has never had guidelines or boundries, things he is not allowed to do. The last person that lived here before me, blatantly was a royal idiot. She yelled and screamed about everything, and her son was spoiled rotten, traits I think he sees as if he behaves like him, he will get attention.

I started talking to a counselor, and I have to find out if I can legally take him without his dad's consent. His dad says absolutely no to the mere thought of it. But my nerves are on the burner. Like I said too the mom is pointless as she could care less. She does nothing, he even ask when the next holiday was so he could expect when she would call!

How many "mother-figures" (can't think of a better way to describe it) has this kid had? I gather from your posts that at least three: his mother, the woman who was a 'royal idiot' and you.

- The kid is eight. At least two major figures in his life have left him.

- And his father works two jobs so presumably isn't there much.

- And you have a daughter who also needs your attention and has a major claim on your affections.

- And he can almost certainly feel the stress that you are under.

Poor kid.

I doubt that you can take him to therapy without his father's permission but you need to tell his Dad that the stress is causing major problems and needs to be addressed

Tell him that just because he may need some help it doesn't mean the kid is a psychiatric case, just that he needs help adjusting to constantly changing domestic circumstances. And some reassurance that he is important to someone (anyone) who isn't going to exit his life or reject him emotionally.

If he doesn't get this sort of help soon he is going to have major problems with relationships for the rest of his life.

He should be allowed to talk to the mom at least once a week. Waiting too long is probably making his problem worse. I am starting to sense that the dad is enjoying the drama. If he put up with the bad behavior of the other woman, he doesn't know any better.

This boy sounds like he needs some peace. That is a good question. about taking a kid to the therapist w/out dad's permission.

That also reinforces that it is the dad that doesn't want anyone to leave him...this is why he spoiled the other woman, lets the boy cry and act like a baby.

He probably let things go in his first marriage too. My husband refuses to go too actually...not sure why...I went to one for a while, then I have been taking my son to one for a while on and off.

Another thing that has helped us is that I have been taking psychology classes at a local Junior College. This really helps to reinforce what I have been feeling and thinking for years, but hadn't developed the proper motivation to stand up to my husband until the last few years.

Men are not in touch with their emotions and intuition about family issues and how to develop our feelings about others. Does he become really close with people for no reason?

It is really a self esteem problem that is for loss of a better word.."changable"--he feels one way about himself in one situation and one way about himself in another sitution....how does the guy feel about his own mother? That would be interesting to find out the corralation between how he interects with the mother of his child and his own mother...

Does he ever exhibit a death wish? Either directly or indirctly? Like jumping out of air-planes, riding motorcycles?

sisterlynch please don't make generalised statements about men not being in touch with their emotions and families. After all, it was the mother in this case that left and the dad that allows the boy all the physical and emotional contact. He may be wrong about therapy but that does not mean he is emotionless or uncaring.

To extrapolate what happened to you and to project that onto this situation, or make general assertions about men based on your experiences is misguided and unfair.

Let's take these problems as they come and try to help without insulting a whole gender. This is a not a gender-specific problem, mothers can be withdrawn and hurtful to their children as well as fathers.

Dn, I was clearly making a generalization, why do you take everything that I say personally. You did this in the one about the guy making advances at work. I don't know where you are from, Mars? Men don't make the best parents. They live their life in the outer kingdom, women stay in the cave and rear their young, I realise that you have been indoctrinated into a world that denies the obvious, but I am speaking to the lady to give her emotional strength, or does that offend you too?

That I may teach her how to put her husband in his place?

Do you know what a stepford wife is? Someone who doesn't do a lot, like a trophy wife, they are a symbol, not a real human.

If you had any intuition, we wouldnt be having this conversation, if her husband had any intuition, she wouldn't be having this conversation...

DN, besides you have told me before that I was changing the subject, but you are now changing to another topic, why don't you start your own thread?

Why do women need to respect men> that would be a good question. Then all the guys could answer you!!

Because, as I said to you in a private post, I think your views are sexist.

It is clearly useless trying to convince you so I shall decline to continue. Prejudice is usually so ingrained it is futile arguing the point.

Okay, here is the deal, the first wife left 2 kids there and moved. Got 7 year itch but with a woman not a guy. Second did the same at 7 years. Okay, so mother figures....Oh my God where to start....

First his mom, we never know where she is or where to contact her, she has many different men that she stays with at random and lives in completely different states. Like extremely far away. Then we had 5 girlfriends....3 that moved in, then the idiot that moved in who was here for about a year. Then a woman he worked with, then me.

So I am like number 7. Okay, so last time I suggested maybe taking him to a therapist he told me I was accusing his son of being nuts that I was several not polite names, and told me if I can't deal with him he will find someone who can.

There is a trail of broken promises, a bunch of lies and worse off he feels unstable which could be why he has attached to me. Not to mention every time his dad and I argue he whips him away from me and tells him he is leaving me or throwing me out. In comes the nightmares and crying spells. I really am just trying to figure out what else I can do before I go nuts over the whole ordeal. I can't talk to his dad nor be with my daughter or my other child without him wanting to but in. I can't be on the phone, constantly he wants me to stop everything I am doing and pay attention. You can't have an adult conversation or balance the checkbook having a child over your shoulder listening to every word that is being said. I mean some things I can't talk to his father about in front of him.

Sounds like you need a good shoulder to cry on as well.

If he won't agree to therapy, try finding some sort of support group for you. You need to get some perspective on this whole situation. Being able to talk face to face to people in similar sorts of situations may give you some insights on how to cope with all this.

Good luck. You sound as if you really need it.

7 women, doesn't that prove my point right there, DN?

Cleverme, my best advice is to leave this guy, that sounds like a nightmare, I don't recommend leaving too often!!

You can provolk change on their part, by making plans to leave whether you really mean it or not. Sometimes just hearing the words I am leaving or I wont put up with that --will provolk change on their part.

The third child is with this guy, right?

Leaving him means yet another abandonment.

He isn't polite.

Look over this link:

books.nap.edu/books/0309069882/html/28.html#pagetop

It may help you to understand the situation from another view point...

about "contingency and reciprocity"

I don't want to abandon them both, but yet some times I feel hopeless and like I can't control it, there are a lot of issues.

well, as I said, try the support group. Things always seem more hopeless when you have to face them alone. You have been strong so far and need some help to gain perspective.

You might also try to persuade your man to go to couples counselling. If he won't go, get some counselling of your own. You need some sort of help to get this sorted.

Cleverme I read though the posts and I have to admit I feel so bad for this kid. He has been through so much in his short life... of course he is going to have all these issues. Pretty much everyone he has known has left him. Like DN said.. these things need to be addressed or he will have very serious relationship issues later on in life--he is already having them!

This kid needs alot of structure and reassurance that you all will not leave him. He also needs lots of discipline, which it sounds to me that you are already doing. His father can bury his head in the sand and deny counseling, but that is only going to make matters worst. Right now is the time to deal with all this... imagine when he hits puberty and starts hating the world.. you DON'T want to wait till then.

When he is demanding your attention. Very calmly let him know you will be right with him, but don't stop what you are doing. If you do it will only reinforce the bad behavior.

Have you tried the guidance counselors at his school? Explain the problems and the constant changes in the household so that they can get a good idea of where the problem lies. You shouldn't be going through this alone.

Good luck